Yugi carried the little blue book with him at all times, fearing someone could find it otherwise. He smuggled it into his bedroom every night and for a little while he was drowning in excitement, arousal, and satisfaction. But soon afterwards, those emotions were tainted by the guilt of having failed the gods' expectations for him. Yet, Yugi found himself unable to resist that craving and soon he had memorised every page of the book's first section.

"I'm a disgrace", Yugi mumbled one morning as he was preparing himself for the day in his study. He placed the little, blue book into a leather folder and stuffed it with a few papers he wouldn't need today. He grabbed a few other files and left his chambers. He almost bumped into Atem when he turned around a corner.

"Good morning, my prince", Atem said and bowed.

"G-Good morning."

"Did you sleep badly again? You look tired."

"Nothing to worry about, really", Yugi said and wiped the corners of his eyes.

"I just wanted to ask if you'd still like to take your weekly ride after your meeting."

"I'd love to. But it could take a while I'm afraid. There's a lot to talk about", Yugi said and nodded at the folders in his arms.

"That's no issue at all. I'll be waiting for you, my prince", Atem said with a smile that Yugi wished he could look at all day. He had to remind himself of where he was supposed to go.

"Then see you later", Yugi said and walked past him. He followed more corridors into a conference room with a long table and a dozen chairs. Only his mother sat at the head of the table, his grandfather to her left.

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting", Yugi said and took seat to the queen's right. A butler poured Yugi a cup of tea and withdrew. Yugi arranged his documents, the leather folder at the very bottom.

"We shall begin with some good news", the queen said. "Lord Otogi will arrive from Kallias in a few weeks. Once he's here he can start teaching you about his country right away. He's one of Kallias' most skilled and experienced diplomats."

"That's good news indeed", Yugi said. The royal family of Dareia had few friends at the Kallian court and even fewer who had been willing to be Yugi's ally at the upcoming mission. As an island nation, Kallias's culture had developed differently from the continent's. There was a lot of knowledge books couldn't provide about customs and gestures and all the little nuances that differed from the continent.

"Are we sure we can trust Lord Otogi?", his grandfather said to the queen. Her expression hardened.

"To an extent, yes."

"You must admit that's not exactly reassuring", his grandfather said as politely as possible. "Then again, how sure can we be when we talk about Kallians, not to mention their nobles … "

"Can we be any surer within the continental alliance?", Yugi said. "I think it were the Eurodokians who broke the trade agreement you worked out with them a few years ago?"

"That was different. Within the continent this happens once in a few years. In Kallias people are killed on a daily basis! The royal palace isn't known for nothing as the court of a thousand daggers. I've been there."

"During the civil war. Which has been over for years now", Yugi said and sighed. "Look, I'm not naïve. I know we have few friends in Kallias and that there is truth in your words. I'm also aware of the cultural differences between our countries. But I know what's at stake here and I refuse to let my fears or prejudices result in a war."

His grandfather sipped on his tea and took a deep breath.

"I know you're strong and smart, Prince Yugi. I'm just worried about you and Dareia. Kallians aren't known for their loyalty."

"Well, Atem is half Kallian. And you yourself have called him one of the finest and most loyal soldiers you've ever seen. Isn't that right?", Yugi said.

"That it is", his grandfather said and placed his cup on its saucer.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about you as well", the queen said. "But I also know the empress will only listen to the requests of another royal. Besides, you're careful, open-minded, and kind. I know the Kallians will believe I sent an angel to their court."

Yugi's cheeks glowed and his fingers dug into the leather folder that contained his secret.

"H-How is the correspondence with the other nations going, mother?"

"Not well", she said and picked up a letter in front of her. "Xanthos has been blocking shipments of metal to Eurodokia. Obviously, another provocation we can't give into. Eurodokia especially would be at a disadvantage if it came to an armed conflict. Most of the metal shipments were supposed to go into the few weapon factories they have."

In the middle of the table, a map was spread out. Eurodokia lay at the western end of the continent. To its north lay a few islands that were territory of Xanthos. That was probably where they were withholding the shipments from overseas for some made-up reason.

General Sennen had estimated that Dareia would last a year in war under good circumstances – and Dareia was the best-equipped country of the continent. Then how quickly would Eurokia fall … ? Yugi didn't want to imagine the piles of corpses Xanthos would leave behind.

"Another reason why your mission becomes more important every day", the queen said to Yugi. "You need to learn all you can from Lord Otogi about Kallias. Empress Mai is known to be … difficult so the advice from someone who knows her personally is even more valuable."

Yugi's posture straightened.

"I'll do everything within my power to convince her of siding with the continental alliance, mother."

"I'm sorry I have to put this burden on you", the queen said and gently squeezed Yugi's arm. Now she gave him the concerned look of a mother. "I wish I could go myself. But I need to stay in close contact with the continent now and if it should come to a war …"

Her face twisted in worry. The imagination sent a cold shiver over Yugi's back. The continent had been at peace for 150 years … He had grown up believing it would always be like that …

"Well, there's no use in being afraid", the queen said and turned to his grandfather. "We have more matters to talk about, I think?"


When the meeting was over, Yugi's mind was a swirl of numbers, facts, and names. He knew a ride would be perfect to clear his head. He changed into his riding attire and a purple coat. He stuffed the blue, little book into his vest pocket before making his way to the stables.

"My prince, my prince!", two familiar voices called when Yugi was adjusting his gloves. From a balcony, Rebecca and Vivian were waving at him with broad grins. Yugi returned the gesture and kept walking before they could ask to accompany him.

Atem was already waiting in the stables. Their horses, a sand-coloured stallion for Yugi and a maroon mare for Atem, were saddled and bridled. They mounted them and trotted through the inner gardens, now and then meeting nobles who were taking a walk. Only once they had passed the gates to the outer gardens, the ride could really begin.

They spurred their horses and galloped. The paths were wider and longer and instead of barren bushes and flower beds there were only snow-capped trees. The icy wind sliced at Yugi's skin and he squinted his eyes. Now and then their horses gave a happy whinny at the speed. When they reached the Royal Lake they slowed down.

As always when he dismounted, Atem was there to cushion his fall by catching him by his hips. Usually, this made Yugi's heart skitter. But not today.

They walked along the shore of the frozen lake and stopped on a small, white bridge. Yugi soaked in the crisp air and leaned against the bannister. The snowy landscape, the blue sky looked so peaceful. Would they stay like this …?

"In a few months all the birds should return from the south. Then we can feed the ducks again", Atem said.

"Hmm."

Silence.

"Is something wrong, my prince?", Atem said. Yugi sighed.

"So much", he said. "If I fail in Kallias, there will be war. Every life, both commoners and nobles, even the cats we petted at the hospital … they all depend on me …"

Yugi hid his face in his hands. It was as if he was carrying a rock on his shoulders that would cause endless destruction if he dropped it.

"I can only imagine what the pressure must be like", Atem said. "But I know you're smart and kind and strong and that noble from Kallias will teach you everything else."

"But what if that's not enough?", Yugi said and turned to him. "What if I'm not enough?"

Atem's eyes were wide but a moment later his expression softened. He placed his hands on Yugi's upper arms and a pleasant shiver went through Yugi.

"My prince, I have faith in you. You're so hard-working and caring and everyone who knows you loves you. And whatever happens I'm here for you."

Yugi swallowed the lump in his throat. He looked around but except for their horses they were alone.

"I know it might be inappropriate … but do you think you could … hold me …? Just for a moment", Yugi whispered. Atem's cheeks flushed but he smiled.

"Of course."

Both were hesitant in their moves and chuckled nervously but a moment later they had wrapped their arms around each other. Yugi leaned his cheek against Atem's shoulder and took a deep breath. Atem's body was so warm, his arms so strong, his scent so pleasant. The pressure seemed to ease and for a little while Atem carried that rock of responsibility with him.

No one, not even his mother and grandfather, were allowed to see his self-doubts. He couldn't risk them losing faith in him or neglecting their own duties to help him. Atem was the only person who was allowed to know the truth and he would never judge Yugi or think of him as weak.

"You know, it really must have been fate when …", Yugi said, raised his head and found his face closer to Atem's than it had ever been. Yugi's heartbeat quickened. He could see every single one of Atem's eyelashes, even a few golden spots in his crimson irises, and a faint scar above his lips. His lips … a little chapped but of such gentle, little curves … What if Yugi …?

Atem ended the hug before he could finish the thought. The cold around Yugi returned. How silly of him! Just the imagination was scandalous! No, no, it was for the better like this … but then why did his inner suddenly feel so heavy?

"S-Say, are you looking forward to seeing Kallias again? It used to be your home, after all", Yugi said. Atem only glanced at him, as if he too was feeling ashamed. Was it because he had had a similar thought …?

"Oh …! Y-Yes, of course. It's been four years … let's see if I'll recognise it", Atem said with an insecure laugh.

Shortly after that, they returned to the palace. During the ride Yugi did his best to keep up the conversation about Atem's life in Kallias. Over Atem's favourite food, past fashion trends, and stories of funny misunderstandings between his Kallian mother and Dareian father, the atmosphere relaxed and returned to normal.

What a silly thought it had been of Yugi …! Atem was his bodyguard, his confidant, his friend. Yugi should be grateful for all that instead of craving more. It was better for both of them to let things remain as they were.

They reached the stables. Again, Atem caught Yugi by his hips when he dismounted, only this time Yugi stumbled backwards until he leaned against Atem's chest. His legs wobbled at feeling Atem's body so close a second time.

"S-Sorry", Yugi mumbled and freed himself from Atem's wonderful arms. His knees were so shaky he wasn't sure if he'd lose balance a second time. "Th-Thank you for your company. I'm afraid I have more work to do now. See you."

"Uhm … my prince …!"

Yugi ignored Atem and rushed back into the palace. Just when he had thought to have regained his composure, this had to happen! Was it a punishment for his thought from before? What a cruel and wonderful punishment at the same time …

In his chambers, warmth greeted him. He let a servant take off his coat and boots while thinking that by now he was harbouring two secrets. His crush on Atem and …

"Excuse me for a moment. I'll be right back", Yugi said and walked into his study in slippers. He had to hide the little, blue book before the servants found it while helping him change. His hands slid into his vest pocket and …

Yugi believed to be falling into a dark hole. It was empty.

"No, no, no …!", Yugi said and checked all his pockets several times. He looked into every drawer, every folder, every place where he had hidden it at some point. But still: nothing …! "No …! No, it can't be …!"

Yugi dropped into a chair. His mouth turned dry at the undeniable realisation: He had lost the blue, little book …!


Yugi didn't leave his study all afternoon, not even to eat. He buried himself in his work but his thoughts always ended up with the little book. Where had he lost it? Who had found it by now? Was it already a scandal that travelled from one wing to another? But no one could link it back to Yugi, right? Maybe it was better like this. Now he couldn't sin at night any more … or could he? Some of the pictures were engraved in his mind by now …

A knock made Yugi flinch.

"Y-Yes?"

A maid poked her head into the room.

"My prince, Royal Protector Sennen would like to talk to you", she said. Yugi tilted his head. Atem never requested such things when he knew Yugi was busy.

"Let him in."

Atem entered, closed the door behind himself, and bowed. He approached Yugi's desk, rubbing his neck. Was it about what had almost happened earlier? The blood in Yugi's veins froze.

"My prince … I … uhm …"

Yugi played with the fountain pen in his hands.

"Y-Yes …?"

"Well … I'm sorry to disturb you … may I ask you … could it be that you … lost something?"

Yugi believed to be fainting. Atem pulled something out of his vest pocket … something blue …!

Yugi shot up, snatched it out of Atem's hands, stuffed it into a drawer and shut it with a loud noise. His face was burning and had to look like on oversized cherry.

"D-Did anyone see it?", he croaked.

"No. When you dropped it at the stables I hid it immediately."

All of Yugi's muscles were tensed up. He wished he could just disappear with the blink of an eye.

"Please don't tell anyone", he said and covered his eyes with his hands.

"Of course not", Atem said and sat down on a chair. He continued in a lower voice: "If it calms you … I really don't think it's all that bad. In my opinion, people on the continent are a little too strict in that regard, at least when it comes to nobles. In Kallias no one would mind or even care."

Yugi gulped. This was another reason why the Kallian court was considered immoral. Marriage and physical unions didn't have to be connected. Usually they didn't even wait until marriage! Like commoners! To Yugi, this had always seemed wrong. Why was it suddenly so appealing …?

"A-Atem?", Yugi said, circled the desk and sat down next to Atem. He moved his chair as close to his as possible. "Would it … Would you … Can I ask you a few things about … that …? I'd understand if you're not comfortable with it …"

Yugi braced himself for a loud and clear "no" from Atem. But he only gave Yugi a slightly confused look.

"Uhm … I'm more surprised than uncomfortable. If you're fine with it … what do you want to know?", he said. Yugi took a deep breath.

"H-How can this be? How can the Kallians justify these things when the gods say that nobles can only rule well when they always think rationally and resist the … temptations of the flesh …?"

"Well … on the continent people believe the new version of the Sacred Scrolls. In Kallias, we still believe in the old ones", Atem said. Yugi played with his silk cravat.

"And what exactly do the old ones say about … this …?"

"As you know, the new ones say that living these desires out makes you revert back to a barbarian, that it's the gateway to other sins", Atem said, his fingers running over the intricate carvings of his chair's armrest. "The old ones say that these urges are natural and that suppressing them causes more misery. They will manifest themselves in a different form, a crueller and more sinful one. So giving in is actually beneficial to your inner balance … you know?"

"Oh … that's … I never thought of it that way …"

"On the continent the subject is a taboo among nobles. Of course no one ever told you that", Atem said in an apologetic tone.

"Y-Yes … I know how reproduction works … and when I began to grow up … I was taught about what my body was going through and … how to suppress it … I thought that phase of temptation was over but …", Yugi said, twirling a blond strand around his finger. He looked to his feet. How could these words just stumble out of his mouth? Maybe because it was the first time someone talked to him about this without just giving him biological facts and rules for how to handle himself.

"Personally, I think there's a lot of good in the new ways but in that regard I disagree. A noble can be responsible and wise without being mostly abstinent", Atem said. Yugi chewed his bottom lip. There was something he was so curious about he needed to ask it, even if it was inappropriate.

"A-Atem … does that mean … you already …?", Yugi whispered, his face growing hotter with every word. Atem scratched his neck, his hand slightly wandering under his collar and revealing a small tattoo of an ancient symbol.

"Y-Yes …"

Yugi gasped both in shock and in fascination. He was so used to being untouched he had never given it much thought that many around him weren't. And the person next to him was one of them …! He knew what it was like to be this close to someone else …

"W-With a woman or a man …? If I may ask!", Yugi said. Atem crossed his legs and played with his cuff links.

"Uhm … both …"

"Multiple?!", Yugi said and jerked back. He took a file from his desk and fanned himself.

"N-Not all at once!", Atem said with a red face. "It was … four in total. Two men and two women. All back in Kallias."

Four …! The mere imagination made Yugi dizzy.

"Is … is four a lot in Kallias …?"

"For my age? No … not really", Atem said with a nervous chuckle. Yugi was afraid to ask what "a lot" meant in Kallias.

For the first time it was hard for Yugi to accept the way things would be for him: just enough times with his future wife to father an heiress or an heir. Unless there was a reason to wish for another child it'd be scandalous if they even tried to spend another night together. And things were so different, so free for others? Yugi had to swallow his jealousy.

"A-Atem …?", Yugi whispered and looked left and right before he asked: "What is it like …?"

Atem took a deep breath. A small grin played about his lips, which had to hint at memories.

"It's … it feels really good … I mean, when you do it right, then you feel … alive … on fire … and all you can think about is that you want more …"

Yugi had to fan himself again. How animalistic it sounded! Completely forgetting about your manners, your common sense, everything that made you human! As little as Yugi knew about the subject, he sensed that Atem's words only represented a fraction of the intensity of those feelings.

"And … what's better? Doing it with a woman or a man …?"

"Uhm … both have their advantages. With women it's … exciting to touch someone whose body is so different from your own … and with men there's … that harmony of being with someone who's physically so similar to yourself …", Atem said. Yugi stared at Atem as he spoke, not wanting to miss one word. He had so many more questions, one more inappropriate than the other. But before he could think about, which might be the least improper, someone knocked at the door and made Yugi wince.

"My prince, it's dinner time soon", the voice of a servant said.

"Thank you", Yugi said and turned back to Atem. Disappointment clenched Yugi's heart.

"I suppose I should go", Atem said. "And my prince … I really don't think you have to feel guilty for …" He nodded at the desk's drawer. "You're not harming anyone with that."

He gave Yugi a reassuring smile before he stood up and left.


Yugi was silent all evening and went to bed early. Was his secret really not as bad as he had thought? It was true that afterwards, before the guilt overwhelmed him, Yugi felt satisfied and relaxed. Maybe it really wasn't that immoral to enjoy his own touch …

Yugi was half lying, half sitting on his bed with the candle beside him as his only light source. He was leafing through the blue, little book and while the pictures still aroused him they were familiar to him by now and the first rush of excitement had worn off. He reached the section of the book, which only featured women.

Yugi had to admit that he had never given homosexuality much thought. Of course relationships between two people of the same gender were just as valid as others. Only last summer the court had celebrated a beautiful wedding between a countess and a duchess. The only difference Yugi had ever perceived was that no natural born children resulted from these marriages. That's why Yugi had assumed that those couples saw no need for physical love at all. While that might be true for nobles Yugi had never considered that these standards didn't apply to commoners …

Yugi flipped the page and was hit by the same wave of shock and fascination as when he had first opened the book. So that was how …! Even though the techniques were only between women it made Yugi feel dizzy to look at those illustrations. He studied every picture, gasped at some of them, until he reached the end of the section. The next one was between men. Yugi hesitated.

He had never wondered if he was interested in other men like that, given the fact that he'd have to marry a woman one day. Sure, there was his crush on Atem but the furthest he had ever considered going was a kiss, like earlier today and at the New Year's Ball. It seemed so obvious now that Yugi would also be interested in being intimate with another man, yet the realisation hit him only now.

His fingers were shaky when he turned to the next page.

"Holy …!"

Yugi dropped the book on his lap, only to pick it up a second later. The illustration showed one man on all fours with another one taking him from behind, just like the beginning of the book that had presented the "position of the week". But men had no … so did that mean they were …?

This time the tingle didn't only sizzle through Yugi's groin but also his bottom. He pictured himself as the one on all fours … someone behind him, grabbing his hips and thrusting into him over and over … Yugi rolled over the bed, the book clutched against his chest. What a new and thrilling possibility …! Somehow even more fascinating than the first section …

He was lying on his side. His hand caressed his firm buttocks. He had never considered it but suddenly it felt like he needed it … needed to know what it was like to feel … something … in there …

Yugi's hand slid under his pants and one moment later he drew a sharp breath that gave away his pleasure.


For a few days there was a sense of awkwardness between Yugi and Atem. They avoided talking to each other and when they did, it was accompanied by nervous chuckling. But Yugi soon realised that he had been lucky that it had been Atem who had found out about his secret. He hadn't only kept it for himself. He had eased Yugi's guilt and provided him with knowledge Yugi couldn't have received from anyone else.

Yugi didn't dare to thank Atem directly for his discretion. But he got into the habit of now and then bringing him a raspberry tart (Atem's favourite) from the nobles' game rounds into the library. Blushing, Yugi only explained that it was for Atem's "excellent services". Atem understood the gesture and the atmosphere between them returned to normal, if a little more intimate.

Yugi wondered if there was a chance to have a second conversation with Atem about the subject. There were so many things he wished to know. But he lacked the courage to just invite Atem or bring up the subject in the library …

"Prince?", Lord Shada said and made Yugi flinch. They were sitting across from each other at a table. In front of Yugi lay an empty sheet of paper, a fountain pen in his hand. "You haven't conjugated a single verb yet. Would you mind starting?"

"Y-Yes … I mean no! I mean … I'll start", Yugi said and looked at the book next to him.

"You seem rather absent-minded for a while now. Is it about your upcoming journey to Kallias?", Lord Shada said.

"That it is", Yugi lied without looking at him.

A knock sounded. Yugi and Lord Shada exchanged confused looks.

"Come in", Lord Shada said and a maid entered.

"I'm sorry to disturb your lesson. But Lord Otogi just arrived at the palace. Your presence is required to welcome him, my prince", she said. Yugi's eyes widened.

"Already? Wasn't his arrival scheduled in two weeks?", he said.

"He says the wind god delivered the ship earlier to the continent than expected", the maid said. Yugi looked at Shada.

"It seems we have to end the lesson now", Yugi said.

"Of course."

Yugi put down his pen, rose and followed the maid out of the room, curious about meeting his future ally in a moment.


Glossary (updated)

Dareia: Yugi's country, one of the countries of the continental alliance, located in the south east of the continent

Kallias: the country Atem grew up in, destination of Yugi's mission, consists of many islands, located south-eastern of Dareia, currently recovering from a civil war, lead by Empress Mai

Xanthos: country to the north of the continent, five times as big as the continent, intends to start a war

Eurodokia: country of the continental alliance, close partner of Dareia, located in the west of the continent

Continental Alliance: Alliance of the countries of the continent, has been at peace for 150 years