A/N: Just a quick note - our goal is to update at least once a week but it usually ends up being once every 4 1/2 days. We can't help it! We are just as excited about writing the story as people are about reading it. The last chapter was Edward's POV from the time Bella left The Roasted Seed until the next morning, this chapter is Bella's POV that begins in the same spot where she leaves The Roasted Seed and ends around the same time Edward's POV ended. We hope you enjoy it! Oh, and we do love the reviews!! Thanks to everyone who has read the story and a special thanks to those of you who took the time to leave a review or comment! You guys rock! :)
Disclaimer: Nicky and I do not own Twilight or any of its characters, we just like to play with them!
"Here comes the night
The bedroom in shadows
Candlelights
I don't know where it's coming from
But I, I keep moving on
Till the darkest thought makes me want to try these wings"
~ Lost in the Shadows by Lou Gramm
"Looks like I wasn't the only one who got lucky last night"
~*~
-:BPOV:-
Walking away from Edward at the coffee shop was one of the hardest things I had ever done. Everything in me screamed for him, everything I was as a vampire and everything I was as a woman; his scent, his eyes, his lips, his smile, his lips, his dimples, his lips, his lips… I had to force myself to keep walking. Even though every step away from him ensured his safety for me, every step became more grueling, every step became loss. I could feel his pull on me weakening and by the time we had reached the car I couldn't feel him at all. I pulled the car door open and glanced once more back toward the coffee shop. My mind battled with my body about getting in the car. It's for the best Isabella, walk away.
I finally took a deep breath and forced myself into the back seat knowing I had done the right thing but hating having to do it. I had come to terms with what I had become a long time ago and had gotten over all of my regret…until now. I looked at Alice in the passenger seat quietly talking with Jasper as he was driving us further away from Edward. She was holding his hand and I felt a tinge of sadness - sadness and longing. I had never missed having that type of a relationship…until now.
I loved being a part of the Cullen family. I could not have chosen a better family to live with and I was lucky they had found me the night I almost died, well, the night I did die. I thought about James and Victoria now and shuddered. They had hunted me, hunted me in the very streets of this town, and had stolen my human life from me, the life I thought I was just starting out in, and the life that I had taken for granted. I didn't want to be that to Edward, his destroyer. I didn't want him to feel disgust when he thought of me, even if it was only for his last dying breath. The idea of hunting him down and taking his life sickened me. A world without Edward, a world where I extinguished his light and epitomized the depths of the monster I had the capacity to be, was not a world worth living in. He has to live!
It was in that moment, feeling both desire for him and disgust in myself, in seeing the love emanating from Alice and Jasper in the front seat and knowing I wanted little more than to feel that myself, that I knew I could never see him again. After this tour I would have to leave Seattle and never come back. Edward would not suffer by my hand. It was done.
Edward would NOT suffer by my hand!
I was relieved and yet saddened by my resolve. I was not human. Edward deserved to be happy and he deserved to live out his human life. If my family wouldn't come with me, then I would have to go alone even though being alone terrified me. When I was human I enjoyed the silence that came from being alone but now that I was immortal, the silence was deafening. I can't pinpoint how or why that changed, but I felt as if the silence would swallow me if I sat in it too long. Human traits like fidgeting or shifting your weight when you stood too long were not necessary and yet I did them anyway just so I wouldn't lose that part of my humanity. I have seen members of my family sit for many hours and never move an inch, not even blinking. Did it bother me because I was the youngest of the family and had not fully adapted to the immortal lifestyle? Did it bother me because it was so…inhuman? No. Either way, I always made sure to keep myself distracted with music and books. Silence made the reality of my immortality too absolute and I tried to avoid it as much as possible. Reading and writing helped me hold onto my human emotions, and music was the glue that held it all together. I didn't want to stop feeling human emotions like some vampires have been known to do, so I reveled in the life and love of my characters, I wrote a life for them that I could have no more. I knew I was living through them, expressing and experiencing my desires through my writing, and I'm sure my family did as well, but I was grateful no one brought it up. What good would it do? They were all paired up and I wasn't, talking about it wasn't going to make a difference.
I gazed out the window at the passing scenery and realized we weren't headed home. Just as I was about to ask, Alice stopped talking with Jasper and looked back at me with a pained looked on her face that worried me.
"We need to hunt before we leave," she said. I had been so wrapped up in thinking about Edward that the basic need of feeding had completely slipped my mind. Hmmph, that's certainly a first, I wish I could laugh about it. Wait, what did she say?
"We leave?" I questioned
"Yes, I'm going with you to California." Alice's face melted into a bright smile but there was no point in questioning her because Alice was…Alice. There was always a reason behind what she did and if she didn't want you to know that reason, there was no way to get it out of her. My only thought was if she was leaving Jasper to come with me, she had to have seen me doing something bad. That was the only reason I could think of for her to come with me. But truth be known, I was thankful she was going with me and I wondered if she somehow knew that too.
It didn't take us long to find our prey. We came across a herd of elk after the first hour of hunting. Elk weren't my favorite, but at this point, I would take what I could get. After we feed our bodies always feel warmer and our skin becomes softer. It always makes me feel more human than inhuman. Feeding also gives our skin a more fleshy pink tone and my cheeks would appear to have a natural blush that lasts a few days. In reverse, the longer we went without feeding, the further away from anything resembling human we would get. Go more than two weeks and our skin would turn cold and hard like stone or marble. I tried not to let it get that far because the thirst almost becomes insatiable and you start to lose your focus on not feeding on humans. Yet another reminder of what I was.
On our way home I pulled out my iPod and as the music filtered through my ear buds my thoughts drifted back to Edward. My need for his blood was not as strong now that I had fed but because I had just fed, the need for him hit me full force. I had only dated a few guys when I was human and had only slept with one guy during my first year of college. I cared about that guy but it was awkward and even though we had still remained friends, I decided it would be better to wait until I was in love before I would sleep with anyone else. Thinking about it now almost made me wish that I had not experienced it at all. But even though my first time wasn't what I thought it would be, I still craved to be that close to someone again. If that someone could be Edward, I thought as I felt the pain of yearning in my stomach.
If I were still human I would have been old enough to be Edward's mother! I decided not to follow that line of thinking. I was, after all, forever trapped at the age of twenty. I would never grow old and I would never die. That was the price of my immortality. That was just another reason why a vampire should never fall in love with a human unless the human was eventually turned. Every emotion that a human felt was amplified one hundred fold when you were a vampire and the loss of a loved one would be devastating. Loving Edward and then losing him would be absolutely catastrophic.
I glanced up at Alice and Jasper's hands intertwined on the console between the front seats. Alice was lucky, fifty-one years ago she knew she would meet Jasper in that diner in Philadelphia and she set out to find him. Even though she waited a long time, she never gave up because she knew that fate would bring him to her. They were destined to be together, true soul mates and both vampires. That day in the diner where she found him, Jasper took Alice's hand without question and they have never looked back. I've never wanted a 'special power' like seeing into the future like Alice had, but sometimes I almost wished I could have that one little question answered. What is to become of me?
We drove across the Fox Island Bridge around three in the morning and I looked out across the black water thinking about the next ten days. The sooner I got on that plane, the better. Edward wouldn't be safe until I was gone. Even though I kept telling myself it was the right thing for Edward it was still hard for me to instantly let go of all the thoughts and emotions that had been flooding my mind since yesterday. Was it really only yesterday? How can everything be turned upside down, how can everything get so convoluted in such a short time? I had lived like this for two decades and in one afternoon it all came crashing down around me and I simply…fell. Fell into the scent of fresh coffee, vanilla, caramel and spice. And now I knew my only course was to run away, run from him rather than what I really wanted. But the monster would always be with me and the instrument of Edward's inevitable demise would live within me and follow me wherever I went, just waiting for the chance to take him. Edward would NOT suffer by my hand!
I ran my hands through my hair and laid my head back, trying to clear my mind of the deluge of misery and confused emotions which were overtaking me, and like a glutton for punishment as I closed my eyes my thoughts went straight to Edward, imagining him in his home lying in his bed. I could see him laying there on his back with the blankets pulled across his waist, his chest bare and his breathing shallow. His eyes were closed but were fluttering like he was about to wake and I held my breath for the moment when he would open them and his emerald embrace would assault my mind. The moonlight caressed his exposed skin…
"Bella!" Alice tapped my leg and I jumped. I pulled the ear buds out of my ears as I opened my eyes to look at her. I am sure she saw the confusion on my face as I realized I was still in the car. I looked around to see the lights of our home shining through the trees. "We're home." She said as I nodded a slow response. "I'll need a few hours to get myself packed and umm…," Alice paused as she shot a knowing look at Jasper and then finished her sentence, "anyway, I'll be ready around six." She said not being able to keep herself from smiling.
"OK," I nodded again in agreement as I bit my lip and looked down at my hands. We got out of the car in front of the house. The house sat on the highest hill on Fox Island with panoramic views that were breathtakingly beautiful. The house itself was made of stone, stucco, and wood with a cedar shake roof. It was modeled after a European French Country home. The wood and glass double French front doors opened and I saw Esme step out onto the front porch. I walked up to her feeling the need for her motherly love as her arms wrapped around me. When Esme hugged me, it made me feel like everything would be alright. All the stress of the day just melted away.
"Oh, honey, are you OK?" She asked as she stroked the back of my head. She needed no special powers to see right through me.
"I'm fine," I answered hugging her back suddenly feeling much better about my situation.
"Uh, we're going to go upstairs." Alice announced as she grabbed Jasper's hand tugging him up the partially winding staircase that was built into the curve of the wall across from the living room.
Esme let me go and turned to toward Alice and Jasper, "I must warn you," she called after the two going up the stairs, "Rosalie and Emmett are making up."
"Great," I mumbled under my breath as I glanced up the now empty staircase envisioning the other loved-up couple of the family. Out of all the houses we had lived in, this house was my favorite! I looked around the empty living area at the beautiful high lofted ceilings and the huge fireplace. There was a rod iron chandelier that hung in the living area and hardwood floors with an exquisite light colored oriental rug under the furniture. There were wood columns that ran across the living room and up along the ceilings. Every room had a breathtaking view during the day and there was a pool and Jacuzzi area outside that overlooked Hale's Passage. The Jacuzzi was one of my favorite features. If I sat in it long enough, my skin would become warm and soft again, just like a human's, but it didn't last long once I got out. Feeding was the only thing that gave me the closest thing to human skin that lasted nearly a week. A good hunt every five to seven days would keep me from turning gray and hardening like marble.
"You can stay down here with me sweetheart," Esme smiled as she turned to me.
"Actually, I think I need to freshen up. I feel a little gamey." I said as I dusted some dirt off my pants.
"Well, I'm here if you need me." Esme patted my shoulder and then turned toward the brightly lit kitchen. The brightly lit but unused kitchen was Emse's favorite part of the house.
I began to ascend the staircase wishing I didn't have to walk by Rosalie and Emmett's room on the way to mine. Sure enough, as I rounded the corner heading toward my room, I could hear the muffled sound of Emmett calling Rosalie's name as I passed their door. I rolled my eyes as I slipped into my room. I locked my door, quietly undressed, and walked into my bathroom to take a shower. Even though showering wasn't really necessary, it was still a human trait I couldn't let go of.
After I was finished, I wrapped myself in a towel and stepped back in my room putting on the stereo as I closed the bathroom door. Sarah McLachlan's acoustic version of Possession came on as I lied down on my bed and let Edward permeate my mind once more. I closed my eyes and went back to my earlier thoughts of Edward sleeping in his bed. In my mind, his beautiful body lay before me now completely uncovered and unclothed. I envisioned him looking at me and beckoning to me like a lover would. I touched my lips as I pretended it was his lips on mine. I then trailed my hand down my neck and undid my towel as my mind visualized him being the one to pull the towel off of me. I lifted one hand to my breast, teasing my nipple with it as the other started it's a path down my stomach still fantasizing that it was Edward touching me. My hand slipped between my legs feeling the wetness of the tender skin. A small moan escaped my lips and I whispered Edward's name in the dark and was rewarded by the memory of his sweet caramel smell. One hand slowly moved in small circles between my legs as the other gently rubbed and pulled at my breasts. I could see Edward smiling at me in my mind as the intensity of my desire began to build in my body. It didn't take long for the rapture to explode as the waves of my orgasm over took me.
Afterward, I rolled over to my side and pulled the towel over me wishing that I could really feel Edward's warm arms around me. I opened my eyes to the darkness of my room and instantly felt alone and hollow. My fantasy only momentarily filled the void and I realized it was stupid of me to allow myself to entertain any thoughts of being with Edward. It would only make staying away that much harder. I wanted him, but I knew I couldn't have him. It just wasn't possible. I didn't feel the need for his blood now but I was sure it was only because I had fed. I was also fully aware that the waning need for his blood didn't mean I didn't want to taste him, taste his skin, taste his tongue on mine while he breathed into me.
Reluctantly, I pulled myself off my bed and began to get dressed. I could tell that dawn was approaching because the sky was getting lighter outside. Alice would be banging on my door if I wasn't downstairs soon. I turned off my stereo, grabbed my bags, and stepped out of my room thankful that the hallway was now quiet. I moved down the stairs and into the kitchen where I found Esme going over some building plans. I knew she had been planning an addition to the house. Esme liked architecture and interior design. She did a lot of remodeling to occupy her time.
"All packed?" she asked looking up from her papers.
"I think so," I answered as I set my bags down on the kitchen floor.
"Carlisle sends his love and said he was sorry he couldn't be here to say goodbye himself," Esme stood up and walked over to me.
"It's OK," I answered as she took my hands in hers.
"I'm so proud of you," she whispered as she pulled me closer to hug me. "And whatever this is that is bothering you, it will work out."
It amazed me how she always knew when something was bothering me. I hugged her back as Alice came bounding into the kitchen.
"Ready to go?" Alice asked as she set her bags down.
"Finally rid of you huh?" I looked up to see Rosalie walk in behind Alice with Emmett close behind her.
"Aw, Rosie, lay off," Emmett said as he walked over to me and scooped me up in a big bear hug. "I'm gonna miss my little sister," He grunted as he swung me around the kitchen.
"Put me down Em!" I half laughed, half yelled. Emmett dropped me to my feet as his big hand ruffled the hair on top of my head.
"You know you love me!" He laughed as I punched him in the shoulder.
"You guys ready to head out?" Jasper appeared behind Alice as he kissed her on the cheek.
"Yup, we're ready!" Alice said as Jasper picked up her bags. I started to grab mine but Emmett grabbed them before I did.
"Let me help you with that kid," Emmett grabbed both suitcases in one hand as Rosalie gave a disapproving look.
"Bye sweetie," Esme leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. "Good luck."
"And good riddance," Rosalie mumbled under her breath. I cast a wary glance at Rosalie and then smiled at Esme as we said out final goodbyes and headed out the front door. Emmett gave me another hug before I got in the car and made sure that I knew if I needed him, all I had to do was call and he would be on his way. I loved Emmett, he and Alice were my favorites. Jasper was cool but he was really quiet. When Jasper looked at you, you could tell he was studying you, feeling out your emotions. He was great to have around when you were stressed or upset.
We chatted a little on the way to the airport. I tried not to think of Edward but blocking him out was nearly impossible. It was even harder as we drove by the interstate exit that would have taken us back to The Roasted Seed. It was a good thing I wasn't driving or I would have taken the exit that would take me to Edward, accidentally of course.
Once we were at the airport Jasper dropped us off at area two. I went in to check my bags and print my ticket just to give Alice and Jasper a few minutes alone. We had some time before our flight took off but I felt more secure knowing that Edward was safer now that I was at the airport and on my way to leaving.
As soon as my bags were checked I saw Alice a few counters down checking her bags. When she was finished we went through security and then we stopped off at a newsstand so Alice could pick up the latest fashion magazines for our trip. I knew Alice had checked a nearly empty suitcase just so she could fill it full of new purchases and souvenirs. Alice loved to shop and even though I didn't, I knew it made her happy so I wouldn't fight her about it. She kept the family up to date in all of the latest fashions. To me, a pair of jeans and a t-shirt was the perfect outfit but to Alice, that was blasphemy. Over time, I had learned to put up and shut up when it came to clothes.
Alice and I talked while we waited to board our flight. We talked about the book tour and what she wanted to do and see while we were in California. She was excited about going and I was just happy to have the company. Never once did she mention Edward and neither did I. Part of me was relieved that it didn't come up and yet part of me wanted to get it off my chest. I decided the best way to get over it was to get it out on paper.
They called for boarding and once we were on the plane I felt even better. I was proud of myself. It had almost been sixteen hours since I last saw Edward and now that I was on the plane, he was safe and I could relax. As we taxied down the runway and took off, I was able to relax even further. Alice was settled in with her magazine and I had in my ear buds with a fresh notebook on the pull down tray and a pen in hand. I tapped my pen mindlessly on the blank paper as I tried to figure out where to begin my new story.
My mind kept reflecting back to yesterday. All I could think about was Edward's smile. No matter how much I wanted to make him mine, the classic tale of love didn't work when you were a vampire and your love interest was a human. I laughed to myself; that would be like the lion falling in love with the lamb. Could the lion get beyond the carnal need to feed? Could the lamb ever feel anything but fear while in the arms of the lion? Would the lion loose all self control in the heat of passion and destroy everything? Could the lamb truly love the lion knowing that the lion was a natural born killer? Why am I comparing Edward to a farm animal?
Could predator and prey ever exist together without it ending in death? Hmmph, that's healthier!
Alice's hand fell upon my hand to stop my pen from tapping the paper. I turned to her and popped out my ear buds. "Sorry," I said apologizing for my annoyance.
"Bella, stop worrying," she whispered.
"I'm not worrying," I lied. Alice knew I was lying and gave me a grim look.
"Yes, you are," she huffed as she folded her arms across her chest.
"Well…maybe just a little," I admitted as I shrugged.
"Maybe a lot," she said as she closed her magazine.
"Alice, it's complicated," I signed as I turned off my iPod knowing that this conversation was unavoidable.
"It's only as complicated as you make it," she said as she turned in her seat to face me.
"I just can't risk it," I said, knowing there was no logical outcome that ended in happiness for me or Edward if I attempted a relationship with him.
Edward would NOT suffer by my hand!
"Don't you trust me?" Alice looked hurt as she looked down at her hands.
"Yes, I trust you Alice," I paused, "I just don't trust myself." I bit my lip as I looked down at the blank notebook page.
"I know it's tough now but you will be happy. I've seen it. You and Edward will be happy…together." There it was, she said it, out loud and to the point. Edward and I will be happy together. Alice was so certain in what she saw sometimes that it was easy to get caught up in her predictions. The truth of it was, the visions were only based off what people had decided but if they changed their minds the visions changed also, thus making the visions flawed and unstable.
Edward and I will be happy together.
Edward would NOT suffer by my hand!
"Thanks Alice," I smiled half heartedly hoping she would just let it go. I already felt like crap about all this I didn't want to have to argue with her as well.
"He's good for you," she said and she looked as if she totally believed it. "Human or not," she whispered, getting my full attention as she implored me with her gaze "You will be in love with him." My eyes held hers for too long, my thoughts a mixture of surprise and…hope? No Alice, don't do this to me! I didn't say anything back to her as I let her words sink in.
Love. That wasn't possible for me was it?
Love. I glanced across the aisle at the couple sitting across from us.
Edward and I will be happy together. They looked happy as they whispered and kissed each other quietly.
In love with him. I wanted to feel love.
Edward. I wanted what every member of my family had.
Edward would NOT suffer by my hand!
I was now more confused as I felt my resolve to be away from Edward slipping. There was definitely something there, wasn't there? I could tell by the way he looked at me that he was interested, couldn't I? Could he be? Would he be?
I thought about my self-gratification indulgence earlier that morning. Edward...
I glanced at Alice who was back to reading her magazine. I wondered if she knew what I had done. If she did, I doubt that she would ever say anything. It wasn't like I didn't know that she and Jasper had sex once when we got back to the house. The only difference was that Alice might have actually seen me doing it in her mind. Hopefully she was so involved with Jasper she didn't focus on anything else.
I looked back down at my notebook page, no longer blank but with a line of 'Edward Edward Edward Edward' written across the bottom which I hoped Alice hadn't seen. I closed my eyes and saw his piercing green eyes staring down at me; I could stare into those beautiful emerald eyes for the rest of my long life. I let myself imagine a life with Edward. I thought about him working at The Roasted Seed. I could see him running around with the white apron tied around his waist. I could picture myself working there with him, side by side, making coffee and giving each other knowing looks. How he would walk by me and let his hand gently touch me as he went by, or kiss me in the back room when no one was around. I could see it all and it suddenly felt…right? I could smell the aroma of the coffee around us, I could hear the buzz of the customers, I imagined his soft voice whispering to me, Good morning love, his hand in the small of my back, his lingering smile as he looked me up and down, the slight peek of his tongue as he licked his lips, his breath caressing my neck as he leaned in to rub his cheek on mine, so tender, so soft, so warm…
It was in that moment that I realized that my want for Edward superseded my want for his blood. My eyes flew open.
I could do this.
I looked over at Alice who was now smiling at me knowing that she was right all along. I smiled back at her as I gently bumped her shoulder with my own. "See! I told you!" she beamed.
"Yeah…you did." I smiled back at her and for the first time in twenty years, I felt hope, I almost felt truly happy.
Edward Edward Edward Edward Edward Edward Edward Edward…
A/N: See my profile for a link to Sarah McLachlan's Possession, and a picture of the Cullen House
