Bill had felt her all day while he slumbered. Dreams of her invaded his mind about the events of last night; actually, they were more like nightmares…He understood and knew that she had a right to feel all the emotions he felt coming through their blood bond, through his blood; the act thatgot it into her, that she thought was his ultimate betrayal of their love and her trust. If he could go back, knowing what he did now, he would have never let it happen. He could tell she was attracted to him from the beginning; that should have been enough to pursue her without the need to use his blood. All he knew at that fateful moment was his 'mark' saved his life, which did leave him intrigued, but still with a job to do. He took advantage of a situation that presented itself as a means to an end. How could he have known a peculiar, feisty human girl could be capable of making his dead heart feel alive?
Initially she only piqued my curiosity, as most humans are transparent, but the night I played my role with her family and afterward, walked with her through the cemetery, I was taken aback at her candor and spunk. As we stood in front of my home, I could not help but notice how the moonlight played off her skin. Perhaps it was because being here again brought back a lot of memories, I am not sure, but I felt the need to see her hair loose, as Caroline sometimes wore hers. When she removed her clip at my request the image was overwhelming. A breeze blew through her loose strands and I could smell a unique scent in the air and wondered if it could truly have come from her. I did not want to scare her, so after I asked for her permission, I leaned in as close as I dared without touching her to breathe her in. I was so disconcerted by what I smelled, it caused me to stumble back a bit. Lost in the thought of how I could smell the sun on her, I did not register the need I stirred in her until she pulled me into a kiss. A simple kiss…that for a moment let me forget the monster I was and let me feel like a man again. That was until the desire that rose in me caused my fangs to give me a harsh reminder of my reality. As I felt confusion race through me, since I had never lost my composure before now, I made haste to excuse myself with a desperate need to collect my thoughts and think over the events of the evening.
I did not have any dreams in my undead existence, that I was aware of other than of my lost family long ago so, the vision I had of Sookie being choked by the person stalking her and who killed her Gran, was as real as anything I had ever experienced. When I woke to find a dream was all it was, the revelation did nothing to extinguish the fear in me that believed she was in trouble or dead.
The relief I felt the moment she woke to my incessant shaking, I swear I felt my heart beat. To my own astonishment that was the moment I realized I loved her. Me… Feel love… it is beyond all reason.
From that moment on, she was all that mattered. I would protect her from all the evil I knew existed in the world, from those who would mean to harm her, until my final death. How naïve a notion that was. Look at all that has happened to her, to us. In trying to play every side, the lies I told to keep it all going, to everyone involved including myself, just kept building. I knew it would eventually all fall apart, I just thought if I could keep it together just a little longer all would work out and I could eventually tell Sookie everything. I hoped my sincerity when I explained and love would be enough that the past would no longer matter and she would not doubt me.
If I only had enough faith to tell her the truth the moment I knew she had my heart…
Now, Bill did not know if she would have ever understood his nature enough to realize his choices were not personal, and did not become so until after he had come to know her. He wanted Sookie to understand how he tried to fight his nature to be with her, to please her, though to him it was not natural. Moreover, he wanted to remind her that vampires could not be held to human standards, though he was trying to be capable of their morals.
There was a large part of him that loathed what he was, what he had done, what his existence had become since Lorena stole his soul. The atrocities he had been a party to would forever haunt him. After nearly a century and a half, he had resigned himself to walking this earth having to do as he needed to survive. He accepted what he now was, but never dared to believe he would ever be capable of finding redemption, that was until her. He had lived his life in the shadows, but because of Sookie, he had loved, cried, grown, changed, and was learning what it takes to step through those shadows to the other side.
I have been searching for my place in this world, where my soul could finally be at peace. I have finally found it…I cannot lose it now.
