Part Four:
Somewhere on The Very Important Quest

Lord of Minas Tirith
Denathor II - Steward of Gondor
Son of Ecthelion II
House of Húrin

My Lord Father:

Greetings and Salutations to the Steward and his family.

In answer to your last letter, though sadly it has been many a month since I have found time to write a proper response, I am fairing well enough. At least as well as can be expected when in such odd company as I am forced to keep. Many is the time I've feverently wished you had sent Faramir to this duty as he is much better suited to dealing with recalcitrant comrades and difficult co-workers. But, as always, I accept your decisions as you know what is best for our Kingdom.

How fairs our White City and its inhabitants? I am led to understand troops have been forced to respond to yet another threat from the walled Tower on our Eastern Borders. I trust Faramir leads them? I know he is young and can at times rebel against your wishes, but I urge you, he's a good lad, you would do well to place your trust in him. Especially true if you post him to the Wilds. His men are a serious lot and though I never had much luck leading them, Faramir seems to gather an inordinate amount of faithfulness from them. Quite surprisingly, I have discovered they will toil for him at the most meaningless tasks for little or no wages.

This brings me to my last subject. I have the opportunity to forge some friendships with a few of my fellow companions in this current posting. As we both know, these Peoples with whom I must travel can be tiresome and annoying, but are most necessary. If I could get one or two of them alone, in a soothing and stress free environment, I may be able to turn them to our cause and therefore increase the chance of me coming home with the prize for which you tasked me. To this end, I request an advance of 3 bags of gold, small denominations. This gold will be, of course, used wisely and in the best interests of Gondor and Her peoples.

I sincerely hope all is well with you and that your recent headaches and night terrors have subsided. I caution you against the homeopathic remedy you've chosen. Using a crystal seeing stone to alter your state of mind smacks of quackery to me. But, it is your path to choose and I remain,

Your humble servant and First Born Son,
Boromir - Captain of Gondor

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My Fairest Friend, Meriadoc:

I'm sincerely despondent that our mutual friend Peregrin would not be able to travel with us to the great Shire of Las Vegas. However, if it is your honest opinion that Peregrin stay with his eldest cousin Frodo Baggins, Esq. BOTOR, then I will acquiesce to your superior knowledge of Hobbit Understandings.

Might I comment, however, there are numerous Kids Quests in Las Vegas, where our friend, Peregrin, may feel at home and still be cared after should you or I or our friend Legolas determine that our chosen activity might be beyond Peregrin's, shall I say, ability to comprehend? The facilities offering Kids Quest activities offer an abundance of electronic games, strenuous wall climbing activities and other things to maintain the interest of such an exuberant youth as Pippin.

As for assuring that numerous beauteous persons of the female persuasion be available to you, have no fear. I know an associate of my father's who owns a transportation operation that guarantees discreet travel to the many Inns and Pubs where fantastical and wonderful ladies reside. Do not allow the names to dissuade you. Although The Chicken Ranch and Cheri's Patch sound as if they are farm institutions, they are far from this lowly, menial labor force. The ladies who live and operate from these Nye County establishments are well trained and very professional at making sure their guests are made comfortable. I'm sure a hobbit of your social standing can appreciate the work these ladies who work mostly in the evenings can provide.

We leave at dawn on Friday. I know you've been working with your sources for discount airfare and accommodations. I am looking forward to your company, with or without your cousin, with or without the Elf. I am in need of some serious relaxation and a different venue. Thank you so much for you interest in my attempt at providing an alternative to Dirt and Forced Marches for Breakfast.

Your faithful friend, as ever,
Boromir.

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Ned Goosebush, Head Clark
Dewey, Cheatum & Howe
Solicitors-at-Large
Offices in The Shire, Bree, Rivendell and The Gray Havens
Hobbiton

Dear Ned,

Thanks for letting me know what you overheard Mr. Dewey saying. I hope it's not true. I'd be right sorry to lose my position with Mr. Frodo, what with being with him for so long, but if he wants to hire someone new, that's his right. I more than half suspect he's looking to hire one of those lasses that are always following him around and battin' their eyelashes at him. There's plenty that would like to get a crack at working at Bag End, hoping to wind up the Mistress one of these days. His cousin, Lily Baggins, would like to knock his feet out from under him, sure enough.

Please let me know if you hear anything solid. I'd hate to have to explain losing my job to my Gaffer.

Your friend,
Sam

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Mr. Lotho Sackville-Baggins
S.O.B. Hall
Hobbiton

Dear Mr. Sackville-Baggins,

Thank you for your most recent offer of employment. That offer was right generous. I don't know if I am looking for another position yet or not, but I'll let you know.

Actually, I'm a bit leery of taking care of that new pipeweed you've started, the weed growing on those acres you out-bid Mr. Meriadoc Brandybuck for a few years ago. I heard Mr. Brandybuck was quite put-out; he wanted to plant that land with the new weed himself. It don't look like no pipeweed I've ever seen, and it sure smells funny. I've heard your last gardener got to spending all his time working in that patch, but most of the time he just sat around with a silly smile on his face.

Respectfully yours,
Samwise Gamgee

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Mr. Saradoc Brandybuck
Master of Buckland
Brandy Hall
Buckland
The Shire

Dear Cousin:

Of course I am perfectly well aware that you live at Brandy Hall, and not the Great Smials, despite the postscript to my last letter. I AM the Bearer of The One Ring, you know, and I have many things on my mind. I think it quite rude of you, in fact, to even point out such a mistake.

At any rate, I've decided to keep Sam on. My cousin Lily offered to come and stay for a bit, and she seemed very enthused about caring for me. However, she seems to be under the impression that I am sickly, and after her fifth letter detailing the tonics and treatments she believes would benefit me, I decided that Sam does quite a good job on his own.

By the by, I hear Lotho is doing quite well with that new variety of pipeweed. I told you we should have got in on the bottom floor of that.

Your son remains a disgrace.

Give my love to Esmie.

Frodo

PS -- Lily kept writing about my "condition" and saying that I must stay off my feet and lay off the drinking. Do you have any idea what she was talking about?

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Mr. Saradoc Brandybuck
Master of Buckland
Brandy Hall
Buckland
The Shire

Dear Dad,

Hope this finds you and Mum well, I'm still working very hard, as being on a Quest is far more strenuous than farming and I'm certainly getting plenty of fresh air, so Mum should be pleased.

Pippin is being a bit of a pain, but nothing I can't handle. But Cousin Frodo on the other hand is acting decidedly weird. I know he always was a bit peculiar, but it's gone beyond that. I don't want you to worry and I wouldn't have mentioned it at all, it's just that he's taken to writing strange letters to all and sundry and threatening them with legal action and all sorts. So I'm letting you know in case you get any odd letters from him, possibly about me even! I know he loves me dearly, but he has been making up some strange things about Pippin and me and I don't want you to worry, but you shouldn't pay any attention to him.

I know you'll trust me on this Dad. We all love Frodo and want the best for him, but I think that this whole Quest/Ringbearer stuff has gone to his head a bit.

In other news, I'm off this weekend for a little business trip, sort of a fact-finding mission really, to a place called Las Vegas. I understand they operate a very effective stealth tax there, which I've also heard referred to as a Prole Tax. In other words, the general populace pay up money to the powers that be, voluntarily and without expecting anything in return except the odd cash bonus, but overall the guys in charge get to keep most of the dosh.

I shall be in the company of the heir to Gondor and the son of King Thranduil, so obviously both their fathers want in on this scheme and I wouldn't want Buckland or the Shire to get left behind.

I know this sounds like an odd sort of tax but, as I understand it, the people who pay it really enjoy it and give up the money quite willingly and I think, Dad, we could really clean up here. All I need is a smallish advance of, say, two bags of gold, quite a paltry amount for such a worthwhile investment.

Love to Mum,

Your obedient son,

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Miss Rosie Cotton
Mr. Tom Cotton's Farm
Down South Lane
Hobbiton

Rosie-luv,

I don't know what to say about the problem you're having with Mr. Merry. Mr. Frodo's already upset about the young master's wandering eyes – he's been on about it something fierce. If I were to tell him that his cousin tried to … to … to touch what Mr. Frodo's been on him for lookin' at, my master just might blow up on the spot. I know Mr. Frodo fears that Mr. Merry is falling in with the wrong crowd, learning Big People ways and all sorts of things a gentlehobbit shouldn't know. Not one that's going to be the Master of Buckland someday. And that he's a bad influence on Master Pip. Mr. Frodo's complained to the lad's father, but I haven't seen anything come of it - except that my master's about to burst something.
All I can say is, if Mr. Merry tries it again at the Green Dragon or anywhere else, you let me know. I'll make sure those hands of his are too wrapped up in splints to hold anything for weeks.

Your Sam

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Virgin Travel
Mines of Moria Department
Gap of Rohan
Somewhere Down South
VG1 SDS6

Mr M Brandybuck
The Very Important Quest
Somewhere South East of Moria
Middle Earth

Dear Mr Brandybuck

Thank you for your recent letter, and we would like to say that we are very sorry you were dissatisfied with the tour we organised for you through the Mines of Moria.

However we feel it necessary to point out that it was clearly stated by our agent, L. Elrond in our Rivendell office, that the excursion was purely at your own risk and that the company or its agents cannot be held responsible for mishaps, inappropriate accommodations or loss of guides due to flaming demons summoned up from the depths of a fiery pit.

We did recommend that you avail yourself of our inexpensive holiday no-claim-by-you-will-be-paid insurance policy but you did not take advantage of this and under the circumstances there is no compulsion on our part to make recompense to you or your companions for the Mines of Moria trip.

Nevertheless, since you are good friends with our agent L. Elrond and he has, through several ages, also been a very good customer, we are pleased to enclose three double tickets (double in case any of you gentlemen wish to accommodate a companion) to Las Vegas.

Please let us know to whom we should forward our account.

Yours truly,

Willy Connuss
for
Virgin Travel

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Willy Connuss
Virgin Travel
Mines of Moria Department
Gap of Rohan
Somewhere Down South
VG1 SDS6

Dear Willy

Thanks for the tickets - that's just great. Please send the account to:

Frodo Baggins Esq., B.O.T.O.R., W.O.S.
Office of the Ringbearer
Somewhere on The Very Important Quest
Middle Earth

He is my cousin and temporarily my direct boss so he should be more than happy to settle this small matter.

Yours sincerely,

Merry Brandybuck

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Miss Rosie Cotton
Mr. Tom Cotton's Farm
Down South Lane
Hobbiton

Dear Rosie

I hope you don't mind me writing to you out of the blue, although I think you know that my feelings for you are slightly more than platonic by now. I have had a spot of luck as Virgin Travel have given me a couple of complimentary tickets to Las Vegas and I wondered if you fancied a quick trip.

The accommodations will be more than adequate, although you and I may have to double up on rooms, but I'm sure you understand that nothing untoward will take place. I think you will enjoy the resort as there is much to entertain a young lass of your obvious talents, especially as you are so well endowed in the talent area and, who knows, you may even get a whole new career modelling or as a professional hostess, which I understand is particularly well paid - far better than barmaiding in the Green Dragon in any case.

I'll pick you up at around 4.30 on Friday if that suits – oh and don't worry about Pippin, I've told him he can't come, but there will be a man and an elf along and they should be pretty cool company.

Yours, looking forward

Meriadoc
XXXXXX
PS Best not to mention this to Sam

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Dear Merry,

What a great cousin you are! I saw the mail today and there was an envelope from Virgin Travel. As I have been worried still about Cousin Frodo, B.O.T.O.R. and W.O.S. sending me off to that place for disturbed teens and tweens who are worried about dying, as obviously our elder cousin does not know the correct meaning of the initials ADD, I looked inside the envelope without noticing who it was addressed to. Sorry about that, but we have no secrets between us anyway so I know that you won't mind.

Tickets to Las Vegas, Mer! You got us complimentary tickets so that I can go too, even though I am currently short of funds. How can I possibly thank you? Oh well, I am sure that you will think of some way that I can make it up to you - you always do!

I am going to pack now, which should take no time at all as all I am wearing all that I own... maybe I should rinse a few things out? Don't worry though Merry, I won't wash my scarf, and all of my other things should be dry by the time we leave.

I'll bet you that we can find a Hoopla game somewhere in such a terrific sounding place, and maybe we can even figure out a way to help those foals in the cage as it bothers you so much. I have no doubt that between the two of us we can fix it so they'll all be out before we leave.

As to Boromir kissing me, he does sometimes, but don't worry Merry, he doesn't kiss me the way that you do.

Much Love and Excitement,
Your Pip

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My Very Dearest Pip

I'm afraid I have bad news for you. Unfortunately I have to take Rosie Cotton to Las Vegas with me as she is feeling somewhat deflated at the moment and Sam wanted someone to lift her up a little and as I had the free tickets it seemed like the perfect opportunity.

However, Boromir and Legolas also have double tickets and I suppose you could share with one of them. Although generally speaking the management prefer gentlemen and gentlehobbits to share with a member of the opposite sex, so you may have to wear a dress.

Nevertheless since you and Boromir are already on kissing terms (I didn't realise you two had become so intimate) it should not be too much of an inconvenience for either of you.

I do like your plan about releasing the foals though, we should see it we can pull that off.

Yours ever
Merry

PS Don't bring the scarf

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Dear Sam,

Could you do me a favour please? Merry has a double ticket to that Las Vegas place that Boromir likes so much and I really want to go with him. He's such a nice hobbit though, that he is taking Rosie Cotton as his guest as she is feeling a little down. Isn't that nice of him? I figure that she is feeling that way because she misses you so much, so maybe you could come along as well? That way you could make Rosie happy again, I could share a room with Merry (and between you and me I really miss having my private time with Merry - this mission-Quest-thing has turned out to be very crowded) and Boromir can share a room with Legolas.

I wouldn't mind if Boromir and Legolas got to be better friends as lately Boromir has started to get very touchy-feely toward me, and quite frankly if I am going to be kissed by another lad it's going to be Merry, like it's always been. Oh, I forgot, that's supposed to be a secret between Merry and me, but you're my good friend Sam, and Merry's too, so that's all right.

I know that Merry will be very happy if we can work this out between us, I will be happy, Rosie will be happy, and you will be too, and Boromir and Legolas can really do some bonding.

Really Sam, it wouldn't hurt you to come along and have a good time for once. Frodo, B.O.T.O.R. and W.O.S. has been grating on everyone's nerves lately, and it can't be pleasant waiting on such a disagreeable person hand and foot. Let go and live a little Sam! We'll have a great time!

Your Friend In Need,
Peregrin

(Future Thain of The Whole Shire who will solely own a massive smial surrounded by beautiful gardens that need tending... but don't worry, I am sure your job at Bag End is secure, really. I try not to listen to rumours so don't be upset by anything you may have heard along those lines.)

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Dear Merry,

I had a wonderful idea, and I have asked Sam to join us for the weekend, to be Rosie's escort! Isn't that wonderful? You know he is sweet on her anyway, and I think she feels the same about him.

I told him how you were taking her to make her feel better, and suggested that she was probably only sad because she is missing Sam so it was an obvious solution - in fact, with three double tickets I don't know why you didn't think of inviting Sam yourself. I can't believe I thought of it instead of you!

This way you and I can share a room and play those kissing games that you like so much, just the two of us. It's been an awfully long time since we've had any real fun like that. It really was rather uncomfortable you must admit when Frodo (B.O.T... yada, yada) tried to get the whole Fellowship playing that night before the wolves attacked us. I don't know about you but I was relieved to see the wolves.

And I'd much rather not share a room with Boromir. While he has been overly affectionate of late and kisses me a lot it has not reached the level of intimacy that you hinted at in your letter to me and I would prefer to keep it that way. I think Legolas is more Boromir's type anyway. I did like that you were jealous though, but you don't have to be. I like the way that you kiss me when we are alone much better than anyone else's kisses.

Just think Merry! A whole weekend, the two of us sharing a room, just like the old days before the Quest. I am not counting the room we shared at Rivendell because of the odd way you were acting around those elf maidens. You seemed quite distracted. I promise to distract you this weekend though, and I am sure we can set those foals free in our spare time.

I can't wait to get away from you-know-who for two whole days!

Your Pippin

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Miss Rosie Cotton
Mr. Tom Cotton's Farm
Down South Lane
Hobbiton

Rosie-luv,

Don't be angry, my rose, but Mr. Pippin tells me that Mr. Merry has invited you to spend the weekend with him in that Las Vegas place. Now I know a good girl like you don't know what goes on in that place, but it isn't proper for an unescorted lass. I know you want to go, Rosie, and I wouldn't tell you not to. But I have to tell you true that I don't trust Mr. Merry's intentions with an innocent lass in a place like that.

Mr. Pippin has kindly invited me to go along, and I intend to take him up on it. He wants to share a room with Merry, them being cousins and all. You and I can share a room too – nothing improper, of course. You tell your Da that for me. I'll hang a sheet in the centre of the room and you know I would never, never do anything dishonorable.

Mr. Pip tells me that the Elf, Legolas, and the Man, Boromir, are going too. I don't like that at all, but it isn't our business. These Big Folk are getting a little too friendly, if you ask me. Mr. Frodo owes me about seventeen years of unused leave, and I know he won't mind if I take a few days off. The Gaffer can keep an eye on the gardens, and water that patch of new pipeweed Mr. Frodo got from his cousin Lotho.

Is that all right, me dear? I've heard there are some very romantic places in Las Vegas, and I'd like to take you to see them. I just hope we don't see the rest of our party there. I don't like the looks that Man has been giving Mr. Pippin, but it's not my place to say anything.

Hopefully,
Your Sam

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Master Peregrin Took
The Great Smials
Tookland

Dear Mr. Pippin,

Thank you very much for the invite to Las Vegas. I'd be right glad to accept. I think it is a very good idea that you share a room with Mr. Merry, and Rosie and I'll share, too (nothing improper, of course). Mr. Merry needs you to keep an eye on him, if you ask me – that Elf and that Man might be taking advantage of him, him being the son of the Master and all. If you ask me, he needs you to watch out for him and never let him out of your sight. Not even for a second. Not even for half a second.

I'll just ask Mr. Frodo if it's all right with him if I take a few days off. I don't think he'll mind – he's been reading those books from his private library a lot recently, and seems a little distracted. He'd probably appreciate a few days of peace and quiet without anybody around.

Respectfully yours,
Samwise Gamgee

P.S. I really mean it about keeping an eye on Mr. Merry. He needs you to take care of him.

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Peregrin Took,
Son of Paladin II,
Future Thain of the Shire
(if he plays his cards right)

My Dearest Peregrin,

Forgive me, I have been remiss in my correspondence. I have had many things preying on my mind of late and have not checked to see if you sent an RSVP to my invitation to Las Vegas.

Though, I must admit, while at first I was greatly interested in Meriadoc's acquiring passage to The Shire of Las Vegas, now, it seems, with so many other, well, not to sound Southern-centric, but, how do I say this delicately, with so many Northern hobbit-types possibly going, I fear I'm not as excited as I was. I had hoped you and I could spend some quality time alone. Perhaps we might still arrange this, though if not, I suspect your cousin Meriadoc might have some free time and perhaps the three of us might take in a show?

I must close this missive for there are matters to which I must attend post haste.

As always, your faithful servant,
Boromir

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More Correspondence follows soon