"No Going Back"
Copyright 2007 Penn O'Hara
T
Usual disclaimers apply.
LOCI Canon Timeline: During-ep for LOCI: Season Six "Renewal"
My LOCI Timeline: Post "Wheelin' Car"
oOo
Chapter Four
Making their way laboriously up the stairs toward their apartments, Logan kept the mood with Holly light and friendly as he had all evening. They'd stayed at Peter J's some four hours and both had a little too much to drink, but Logan had enjoyed the company and was surprised by his feeling of connection with Holly, fed more by shared hidden scars than anything openly obvious.
"I don't know what happiness is," she had said, and he guessed there was something in her life which had taken the joy out of her.
As they stood in the corridor between their apartments, he jokingly offered to walk her home, eliciting the expected reaction to his quip.
"Please," she laughed, and he promenaded her to her door.
"So…" she said quietly, leaving the moment hovering as if reluctant to leave him.
Logan was ambivalent too, not wanting to retreat back to the emptiness of his apartment, but knowing there was nothing more between them and nowhere else to take their newly found friendship. "Well…" he began, "gotta work at seven."
She nodded. "G'night, Logan."
"Okay," he sighed.
He started to walk backward toward his door, then stopped. He hadn't been honest with her and he knew that he couldn't let her think there could be something more between them. He should have been upfront from the start. She deserved to know about Carolyn, but Logan needed a sober head to tell her gently, in a way she wouldn't feel he had deliberately misled her about his availability.
"Holly…" I need to talk to you again. "Can I see you again? Tomorrow night?"
Her delight was a balm to his misguided sense of abandonment. "At Peter J's. At eight."
He held up his thumb, pleased with his victory, knowing he could now sleep with a clear conscience.
He saw a shadow pass over her face and caught a glimpse of her own loneliness and a hurt that was raw and deep and somehow shocking. That fracture he'd glimpsed yesterday was cutting cruelly into the happiness she admitted to finding so elusive.
He went to her; to hold her hands, hug her, tell her it would be all right, but instead, their lips met and clung and Logan found himself offering her the comfort of a more intimate embrace. A little out of control, he kissed her again, then pulled away, confused and shaken.
"I'm happy to know you, Mike Logan," she said softly.
She kissed him again before moving back to her door, looking pleased with him and herself.
Logan took several steps backward, needing and instinctively finding the support of the wall beside his door. He had no idea what happened, but he knew he would meet her again, at Peter J's as promised.
But nothing more would come of it. No more comforting. Just companionship and an open ear. She had a hard story to share, he was sure of it, a wound to expose and heal, and he would listen and help her.
But that's as far as it would go.
He liked Holly, but he loved Carolyn.
oOo
Winding the towel around his hips as he left his bathroom, Logan grabbed his cell from the dresser and dialed Carolyn, rehearsing again what he would say to her. He'd spent an overlong shower coming up with several scenarios and speeches and hoped he'd hit upon the right one. The best one.
Her phone went to voice mail again, but this time Logan redialed, demanding she pick up.
"Unhh…Mike?" Carolyn yawned loudly. "Whaaa… It's late… No, it's early in the morning. Too early."
"Carolyn…"
His speech flew to the winds at the sound of her voice, presented with reality. What could he say? That he'd just kissed another woman and agreed to meet her again? Who was he kidding?
"I…I wanted to talk…" he mumbled.
"Can't it wait, hon? I've got…geezus, is that the time? I've an early start tomorrow…"
"No! I…" Shit! He tried again. "I wanted to tell you…"
"Hmmm?"
"I…I love you…"
"I love you too, hon." He could almost hear her smiling at the way his declarations always seemed dragged out of him. "You know I do. Nothing's changed."
The silence hung between them.
"Has it?" she asked, caution creeping across the gap of miles.
Logan went on instant alert. "No!"
"Then what? I gotta get some sleep." She made a sound, a soft and sensual purr that stirred him. "I was dreaming of you, hunk."
Yeah, right. "It's okay," he said. "Don't worry about it."
"Mike. Tell me. I'm awake now and I won't sleep if you don't—"
"I was with a woman," he blurted, then realized how that sounded. "In Peter J's. We had a drink together. That's all, but…"
There was no sound on the other end, but Logan knew he finally had Carolyn's undivided attention.
"I just wanted you to know," he said. "We talked…" And kissed. But he wasn't so stupid to tell her about the kiss. "And I agreed to meet her again. Tomorrow. At the bar again."
"To talk." Carolyn sounded calm, but wary.
"Yeah."
"Does she know? About me?"
Logan knew he was digging his grave, but Carolyn deserved his honesty.
"Mike!"
"Not…not yet. That's why I agreed to meet her again. To tell her."
"Mike! Men do not make second dates to tell a woman about their live-in girlfriend! They make second dates to get laid! Or has that already happened?"
"No!"
"I can't leave town for one night before you're bed-hopping—"
"Carolyn! I was not—!" He took a deep breath. "Nothing happened. The only woman I want to bed is half-way across the country!"
"Well, I'm sorry! It's my job!"
"Carolyn…" He tried to find a calm haven for both of them.
"What did you talk about?"
"Um…er…happiness…" It sounded lame even to Logan's own ears.
"Happiness… What? You didn't tell her about me, so you were telling her how happy you were being a free agent and highly available, free to screw—"
"No! She's unhappy. I could tell—"
"So you consoled her…" Carolyn made a frustrated sound that was a cross between a scream and a groan. "Better still."
"I didn't. We talked." Logan couldn't bring the conviction to his voice. That damned kiss hovered in the air, tainting every explanation. "Carolyn! Stop this! Where's that level head of yours? The one that keeps me cool and focused."
The explosions stopped, the cease-fire at the other end weighing heavily between them. Logan finally heard a huge sigh.
"Mike…I'm sorry. You're right. I'm over-reacting. But, hell, Mike, my guy's a hundred miles away from me, sitting in a bar with a woman I don't know, talking about… happiness!"
"And my woman's a hundred miles away partyin' with men I don't know, talkin' about…well, I know what men talk about. Worse still, I know what they think about and it scares the shit out of me."
Carolyn sighed again. "Point taken. This love stuff hurts, doesn't it?"
Logan relaxed a little, lying back on the bed and stretching an arm up behind his head. "Yeah, it does. You gonna trust me now? Want me to tell you what I'm wearin?"
"Yeah, I trust you. And I can guess you're not wearing much."
He could hear her mellowing. Hell, his body could feel her presence stroking him.
"But, Mike? Stay away from this woman...okay?"
Logan swallowed hard, rolling onto his side. "I promised to meet her again, Carolyn. It's not a promise I can break."
"Mike…"
"I'll just meet with her and go. Tell her I'm with somebody—"
"Look, you do what you gotta do. I'm gonna get some sleep."
She cut the connection with a snap that jarred him and boiled his blood.
A hell of a way to end a conversation with the man you professed to love.
tbc…
