Chapter Four
Lost
Dead trees and twisted vines all around, burned, black, their gnarled shapes silhouettes against the blood-red sky.
'Where am I?'
Ash was falling steadily from the air, pale and fragile, breaking against her clothes, and the ground a powdery layer of it that padded beneath her feet.
'Is this what snow is like?'
She was passing through this barren landscape not knowing where she was going, but hardly thinking much of it either. Her mind seemed hazy.
Ooooooo...
A constant low howl filled her ears, like the sound of a distant wind.
OoooOOOOoooo…
The ground was bumpy and uneven. Her forward foot slipped on something loose beneath the ash, making a hollow sound. She looked down and saw a round dome and two sunken holes where eyes should have been.
'Gasp!'
She stumbled away from the spot, her feet slipping on more loose and hollow objects.
'Oh god!'
She saw that the entire ground was strewn with skulls, bones too, partially poking out of the ash for as far as she could see. Her heart pounded, she felt paralyzed as she searched for a place to get away, every direction looking the same. Something was happning: the shadows behind her… were growing darker and getting closer!
'Goooo…' She began to hear a message in the wind. She stared, frozen, at the approaching darkness. 'GOOOOOOO!'
She took off running in the opposite direction, the shadows following her, swallowing everything behind. She ran as fast as she could, past the twisted trees that all looked the same, her feet slipping on every bone beneath them. She glanced behind her and saw something roiling and twisting in the blackness. There was something inside! Up ahead, light began to appear through the trees. She went for it. The shadows were almost upon her. She felt something touch her from behind.
'Goooo!' The wind called. 'GOOOOOOOOO!'
She dived through light—'Oomph!'—and landed on hard ground. She panted and gasped. Her hands were clasping dry dirt and there was grass around her, yellow and dry. No ash, no trees, no engulfing shadows—she looked behind her; the forest was gone. She was overlooking an ocean, flat and shimmering red. The sky was crimson and dotted with stars, and a bright red light emanated over the horizon.
'Stars during the day?'
She looked ahead and noticed that she lay on a winding dirt path on the side of a hill that was topped by a castle.
'Shelter!'
She got to her feet and took a step forward; her vision shook; suddenly she was before the castle's great wooden gate.
'Gooooo!' The wind continued to howl. She felt drawn to this place. She reached for the iron knocker-
-She was inside.
Silence; the wind was gone.
"Hello?" Her voice echoed through the dark passages. "Is anybody here?"
No answer. All was quiet. The hallways to her left and right terminated in utter darkness.
"Please, I need help!" She stayed put, holding her injured arm, waiting for someone to come. There was no light, except for what came through a row of large glass doors at the far end of a room in front of her. The room was large and full of tables with chairs overturned atop of them. It looked like a dining hall. She peered through the entryway to see out through the glass doors to the outside. Standing beneath a tree by a small pond was the shape of a person!
She headed straight for them, pushing past the dusty chairs and tables and sliding the doors aside.
"Hello?" She called to the person, their back turned. "Hello!" She called again, louder, still receiving no response. It appeared to be a woman, her shape slender and thin, hair long and flowing down her back. Her arms looked to be folded in front of her chest and she seemed to be gazing at the water. Azula stopped a few paces short of the person, who didn't seem to notice she was there. She could see their reflection in the water, but it was muddled in the grayness. "Please," she begged. "I know you don't know who I am, but-"
"Ha ha ha ha…" The woman laughed in a slow, low voice. Azula was unnerved. She began to take a step back when the unknown woman turned around quickly, her long untamed hair whipping around. "Welcome back!" Azula's own face sneered at her!
"No…" Azula tripped and fell backwards, watching as her own image approached her, laughing, crazy-eyed and grinning. The light fell away and she found herself in a dark room with soft walls and her arms wrapped tightly to her sides.
'No!' She knew what it all was now. 'I need to get out!' She twisted and squirmed against the jacket's embrace, her legs stuck together too. 'I need to get out!' A mask was secured to her face with a piece of leather between her teeth, muffling her words. She fought and kicked and tried to burn away the restraints, but only felt unbearable heat in her hands and feet. She froze at the sound of clunking metal, followed by a long screech and blinding light filling the room.
"We're not going to hurt you, Princess Azula."
It was a woman's voice, her body silhouetted in the doorway. Azula's eyes strained in the light. She kept still and watched as the person walk toward her.
"I'm sure you're very worried," the woman began to crouch near her. "But you have nothing-"
Thock!
The heels of Azula's shoes struck the woman squarely in the jaw. Her head whipped back and her body fell to the floor. She didn't move. Two more shadows filed into the room, slipping past her attempts to assault them. She sneered and growled as they grabbed her by the shoulders.
"Ah!" Several sharp jabs pierced into her neck and sides. Her limbs turned to jelly and her whole body fell limp. Her head slumped forward and she felt her weight lifted off the floor.
Her feet were dragging and the smooth stone floor was passing beneath. They were taking her somewhere. She tried hard to look around, but her head wouldn't budge. Her mind was racing, she felt disoriented; she had just arrived at this place; her body felt dead. They came to a stop; another door opened; she was brought inside.
She heard murmuring.
"Okay, Princess!" Sounded a man's voice in a friendly, chipper tone. She was spun around and lifted off the floor, one of her captors holding her feet and the hands of the other beneath her arms. She caught sight of a porcelain tub out of the corner of her eye. There were lumpy and shiny things floating in it. "The cold will be unpleasant." He said as they lowered her down. "But the shock will help clear your mind…"
The frigid water engulfed her body up to her neck, piercing her like a thousand frozen knives…
"AAAH!"
She sat straight up, one of her bare feet pulling out of the river, the dream world collapsing around her for the dim blues and grays of morning. She panted and scanned around, feeling her body for the restraints. Masses of mist were rolling eerily past her on the surface of the water, like clouds in the sky. It was barely light out. Her limbs were free. She placed a hand firmly on the rock; it was warm from her body. She sighed.
"It was only a dream." She closed her eyes and waited for the lingering feelings to pass…
"Ow!" She clutched her injured arm and moaned. "Oooh..." The pain was worse than yesterday. I need to get out of here. She gathered up her clothes and plunged into the river.
The small stones and twigs of the shore pressed into her bare skin as she sat wrestling her damp pants up her legs, still not dry from pulled and kicked; one leg on. It felt so real. The nightmare continued to haunt her. She pictured all the nurses and doctors, all the hallways and corridors, clean and regal, but hiding what really went on inside; the piercing screams and wailing of the inmates, of her own, the touch of the restraints, the taste of the leather-
"Stop," she told herself. "You'll never go back there." She was anxious to get moving. She looked up at the trees, seeing no sign of the mysterious spirit bat from yesterday. Birds were beginning to sing. She finished dressing and continued her journey through the forest.
How far did I go yesterday—she could hardly see in the dim, pre-dawn twilight, the thickness of the forest making it seem even darker—twenty miles? She tried to imagine all of the maps of the countryside she had ever seen in order to get an idea of the average distance between towns and cities, and therefore, how far she had to go.
Gah!
But it was no use; what looked like two days of journey in her mind could have been much more, and Hira'a was lost among all of the nameless dots.
Why didn't I look at a map before I left!? She took a deep breath. Just keep following the river; you're bound to arrive somewhere.
She was racked by an intense pang of hunger. She clutched her stomach, feeling like it was turning inside out.
"Follow me and I will show you your way," the bat's words repeated in her head.
No, she countered, feeling herself beginning to doubt her decision to turn it away. I can't trust it. There's no reason for a spirit to want to help me-
Thud!
Something soft and dense stuck her on the top of her head.
"Oof!"
She fell onto her rump, the surprise sending a shock through her body that made her legs run out from under her and her right hand reflexively shoot a halfhearted jet of blue flame that fizzled. The strange object rolled onto the ground and settled in front of her. She rubbed her head, feeling a sticky wetness. Blood?! She probed her scalp with her fingers, but felt no wound. She picked up the object that had hit her; it was round, yielded to her grasp and, in the dim light, had the resemblance of a fruit. She gasped—Could it be!?—and looked up for the tree that had borne it.
Staring down at her was the horrific bug-face of the spirit bat.
"Ah!" It looked like a monster.
It hovered overhead beating the air in near silence.
"Eat," the familiar voice sounded in her head.
She was startled, but not afraid. She looked down at the fruit. It didn't fall from a tree… It brought it here. Her stomach growled. "'Keep her alive,' they probably said." She threw it away and got back to her feet. She looked up defiantly at the bat's eyes. "Don't help me," she declared to it aloud. "And tell them they'll never take me alive!"
The flutter bat hovered in place as it watched the strange human walk away.
The sky was a flat, unbroken layer of gray and white, a sheet of clouds having moved in during the night. She still sweltered in the choking humidity, but the lack of sun made it a bit more bearable. She saw her first land animals other than the tiger; a pack of deer wolves began to approach her, but quickly dispersed when she showed them her fire and sent one squealing with its fur burning from a well-placed shot. She smirked, but remained on edge for more. The landscape was beginning to change; it was becoming uneven and rocky, leading her to wonder if the river was just winding around through the mountains, to nowhere.
Another morning of trudging through the wilderness passed and she was finally beginning to feel the isolation of being very far away.
There was an unusually bright patch of light through the trees ahead. She maneuvered past the rocks and boulders that littered the base of a hill she was traveling across and arrived at the light; it was an opening to the edge of a wide clearing. She sighed, relieved, finally getting a break from the jungle. It was a flat and rocky area devoid of trees, the grass swept over in the direction of the river and covered in a fine layer dry mud as if from a recent flood. To the left, the river flowed on, and to the right, a gray wall of tall, unclimbable rock… blocked her way.
She groaned, lowering her head in dismay. The ridge extended to the water and terminated in a bare cliff that was capped by a smooth spire that reached high above the trees. She kicked the ground in frustration, all of the wasted time and energy it'd take going around. I don't know how much longer I can keep going like this! Already she was feeling weak and it was only morning. Her plan could be right; there really could be village or city somewhere down this river, but she might not last long enough to get there. Or, maybe she'd have to turn away from the river at some point. Where would that be? She needed to know where she was going; simply walking blindly through this place, hoping to arrive somewhere… just didn't feel possible.
Wait a minute… She looked up at the spire, paying attention to its height. I can climb to the top… and look out! The slope to the summit was gradual before becoming near vertical for a shorter length. It looked doable. Her eyes grew wide with excitement; she could scout the surrounding area and know for certain which way to go! There was no time to lose. She turned and began scrambling up the hill, hoping it'd take her to the ridge. It was a steadily steepening, rocky incline with trees growing from it, forcing her to grab hold of the bare roots that snaked over the stone and thin dirt.
I'll know how much farther I have to go. She felt the energy to keep going; two days, three days, maybe more, if she only knew there was a destination in the end. No more wondering. I'll know my chances. I just have to see it. I just have to know it's there.
The hill began to flatten and turn to bare stone, putting her at the edge of the ridge. She held onto a root and pulled herself up to stand on the top, the canopies from the trees below close above her head.
There it is.
The spire stood like a gray beacon at the far end of the ridge. She took a step forward, and stopped; it was open sky between here and there, all tree-less and bare. She'd be even more noticeable on the spire. If Zuko was in the sky right now, he would certainly see her. Fear pulsed through her. "It's worth it," she said to herself. "They probably won't follow me into the forest anyway. Just keep an eye out. Get up and down fast. You need to see what's out there..." She took a deep breath, clenched her fists, and ran.
She kept a watchful eye on the sky. It was blank, except some soaring black dots that hopefully were just birds. Could any of them be the bison? Perhaps they could come shooting over the treetops any moment. Her confidence grew as the spire got closer and the possibility of seeing where this ordeal would end drew near. She pushed herself to run faster. I need to know! She was half-way there.
She arrived at the base, panting, trying to catch her breath for the climb. She looked up; it looked much taller than from afar. Good. Save for an unevenness that appeared to provide places for footholds, it was smooth. Her hands began to sweat."You can do this." She had been in higher places before. She looked over her shoulder, giving the sky one last scan, and turned back to begin the climb.
She huffed and hissed, timing her breath with each careful motion, her right arm burning with exhaustion while the other clung uselessly to her shirt. Every muscle strained to keep her steady on the stone face, feeling just one wrong move away from falling. She could hardly turn to see the sky behind her; no turning back now. She looked down; it was a long way to the rocky, jagged ground below.
Slip!
"Ah!"
Her right foot slid down an inch before catching. Her body tensed, her heart thumped. She pressed her fingers and feet harder into the rock. She was steady once more. Looking to the right, the tree tops were just barely in her line of sight. "Damn!" She was high up now, nearing the steepest part of the climb.
"You've done this before," she said, turning back to the rock and focusing. "These boots climbed the drill!" Slowly, she lifted her right leg, feeling all of her weight shift to the other—it held—and then found another foothold. It felt like only a sliver was holding on. She lifted the other and pushed herself up.
With every torturous motion, the summit grew closer. She began to see over the trees and saw the carpet of green that was the distant forest. The spire began to curve away and flatten. She laid her front side on the rock. Almost there! She instinctively reached with both arms, not thinking, and pulled, the pain searing in her left arm and uselessly weak. She pushed with her legs and slid across the stone, grinding to a halt, all her weight firmly on her chest, and no longer did she feel the fear of falling.
"I made it," she panted, body aching, her right cheek pressed into the warm rock as she gazed out over the land she had journeyed from, no, the land she had defeated; the endless forest and the river winding off into the distance towards the volcanoes and beyond. There was no sign of Hira'a.
She began to chuckle, then a smirk showed on her face; eventually she smiled. She closed her eyes and rolled over, the good feelings of the past filling her; shooting around the mail carts in New Ozai without the slightest fear; facing the Avatar on the drill at the wall of Ba Sing Se and her boots, these boots she had on now, saving her from falling; she clung to the rock like she did that steel. "I'm still strong." She laid there remembering what glory had felt like.
"Alright," she opened her eyes, coming back to reality. "'Time to find out." She looked forward to only being two, maybe three days away; the glare of the ocean, the faint outline of a large city in the distance is what she imagined. It could be farther than that, maybe not even a city and just a backwater village, but at least she would know it was there; that meant she could make it. She got to her feet and took a sweeping look of the area behind her; she was at least a hundred yards in the air and could see for miles around. With a deep breath, she turned and settled her sights on the land ahead.
The color drained from her face.
"No…"
The way ahead was all forest, the same endless forest of rolling hills and bluffs and faraway mountains; a sea of green with a river winding through it, growing smaller and smaller until it disappeared at that point where the sky met the ground in a wall of haze, with no indication that the ocean, or anything else, lied beyond. There were large hills blocking her sight in some places, but it appeared she was seeing for tens of miles and there was nothing lining the river.
She started to feel cold. "This can't be right." She scanned around, looking desperately for any sign of civilization, but the harder she tried, the clearer it was becoming. "This was supposed to work." She kept looking, but nothing appeared. "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK!"
Your last plan didn't work.
A lump formed in her throat. She started to blink.
You're going to die out here.
She felt woozy. She looked over at the forest below. "I need to get down from here…" She sat on the edge of the summit and put her feet over. She dug her heels in and let go, sliding down the rock face at a fast clip. The rock tore her clothes until it leveled out, her descent coming to an abrupt halt. She winced, the skin feeling raw, but she paid it no attention. She had to get to the safety of the shadows. She ran across the ridge for the trees, the sky feeling like a giant watching eye.
There's no chance now.
Tears streamed from her furious eyes.
How it was is how it will always be.
Her chest was heaving, but her breaths were shallow. She saw herself, lying dead in the wilderness, forgotten. The shadows of the trees passed overhead. She scrambled down the slope until finding a spot between a boulder and a tree and wedging herself between on the steep decline of the hill. She felt isolated and hidden. She clutched her head and curled into herself, trying to regain control of her breathing. "Relax," she gasped. "Don't lose control. Not again…"
… Zuko and the peasant stood over her as they watched her panic in defeat, spewing fire and screaming…
… The soldiers held her by the arms while she snarled at them as they led her onto the ship in chains…
… The guards sat on her while the others rushed over to paralyze her…
"Not again," she whispered.
The mystery of the crazy princess who perished in the woods would be all that remained. Her right fist burst into flame. She punched the boulder with all her might, the concussion of the blast softening the blow and shaking her body, a molten glowing depression left behind in the rock.
"Ahhh." She didn't come out unscathed, though, her hand sore and tingling with pain. "That was stupid." She closed her eyes and lay back against the tree.
"Give up this futile quest…"
"… Go home…."
She felt her resolve slipping away like water through a sieve; all of that endless wilderness, all of those wild animals and spirits, all of the days, weeks of journeying, every moment having the chance of getting attacked again, every day getting sicker from her wound.
"Isn't this when you're supposed to come and tell me, 'everything will be fine?'" She muttered, calling upon her mother's ghost.
She wanted that wretched hallucination to come so she could call it a liar. She wanted it to tell her everything would be okay, and give her no reason why because that's how she would know once and for all that it was fake; nothing was going to be okay. She wanted it crouch beside her and put its gentle hands on her, and tell her to keep going… because that would be the only thing telling her to.
She waited for the hallucination to come.
It never did.
Her panic eventually subsided and she remained between the boulder and tree for a long time, coming to terms with the collapse of her grand bid to turn things around, gazing up at the sky through the spaces between the leaves, as her tears of anger and failure dried on her cheeks.
She didn't feel like moving anymore. There wasn't a reason to.
Coming up next in 'Avatar: The Truth', Chapter Five – The Shrine...
