You want this too – chapter four
Heart dropping into your shoes. Life flashing before your eyes. Scared stiff. Blood running cold. Frightened half to death.
It was funny how many expressions were used to try and talk about fear, fear in its truest form. It's a feeling most people will experience, but even if you went through it every day, there'd be no preparing for the unpleasant sensation in real life.
Sirius didn't like being scared. Not that anyone does, but he especially. It went hand in hand with too much emotional baggage for the Eldest Black to ever like. Fear, apprehension. Vulnerability. Weakness. All things he tried his best to avoid like the plague.
But now he was scared, most scared than he'd ever been in his life. Far more frightened of this than the beatings at home, worse than anything. He would have happily attempted to wrestle a troll rather than look Remus Lupin in the face at this moment in time.
The silence expanded, grew and mutated into something as solid and unbreakable between them as if a shield charm had been placed. It was uncomfortable, sticking almost to their skin.
If anyone else had walked in, the most bizarre of scenes would be visible, Remus Lupin stood at the door looking as if he had all the time in the world, Sirius black looking as if he was ready to punch the mirror, avoiding contact with everyone, and James potter, desperately looking for any way possible for him to get out of this.
"so- yeah, I'll just, er…. I'll just go. "Prongs' statement was clumsy and awkward, but it did the trick of bringing everyone back down to reality.
Remus snickered, the sound of mirth seeming odd in this moment. Then it grew, and to the shock of James, Sirius joined in.
"Fucking hell prongs, don't become a mediator when you leave will you." Sirius sounded almost normal, even turned around, but different. It was like gallows humour, he was desperately seeking some relief from the conversation that was coming.
"Yeah, I'd stick to quiddictch if I were you James, suits you better, not using your head." Remus chimed in, and it could have been just like they used to be, laughing and joking.
Prongs huffed a good natured chucked. So they were teasing him, but they were laughing. At this moment James would have welcomed them beating him physically if it broke the damn silence.
"yeah alright, so im never going to be minister for magic, who cares ? Im going to captain the England quiddictch team and you know it!"
James strode forward to the door, stopped; put his hand on Remus's shoulder.
"Take it easy on him." Remus nodded the sheer look of gratitude and affection on his face nearly made James want to cry.
"Oi, you, don't fuck this up, okay mate?" the instruction shouted over his shoulder to Sirius would have sounded harsh but it came out as brotherly, caring and a little bit of a threat of what would happen if it did. Exactly as it intended.
Sirius nodded, and for the first time he held lupins gaze unflinchingly. James left the room, lily Evans waiting outside eagerly.
"Well? Did it work?" her greens eyes were practically dancing with excitement and James nearly felt his heart burst.
"Hopefully, they'll sort it out. They… they deserve to be happy." The statement was juvenile in its delivery but heartfelt, and something shifted in lily eyes.
"My god, James potter supporting his too best friends being madly in love, whatever next? "Her tone was teasing but affectionate, then she frowned and her voice shifted.
"James… you know it won't be easy for them, don't you? People… people will say things, they won't understand."
Protective anger lashed out from the pit of James' stomach. He wouldn't let anyone hurt his friends.
"No, they fucking wont. They'll have to go through me first, Remus has been so much already and –
His words were cut off as the red head reached up and caught his lips with her own and every nerve in the spectacled boy's body exploded, white hot and overloaded.
The kiss was simple, chaste. It was still the hottest, happiest memory James had.
"lily… Lilly, do you want to go to the three broomsticks with me this weekend?" His heart stopped; his whole life hung on this moment.
"Sure… now you've deflated your head a bit…" with a wink that nearly caused James to climax in his pants, she turned around and disappeared down the corridor.
It was rare for Remus to feel in control of a situation. He was non-confrontational and passive by nature; not too say he was weak by any means. Thanks to Sirius black he had also discovered that he also had a submissive streak. It's always good to learn new things about yourself.
But now though, he felt calm, settled. He had heard Sirius' confession, just like James had intended. It sent a thrill of power through him. He could make Sirius cry. Sirius loved him. From that, surely everything had to be okay.
"Sirius. Sirius, look at me." The command was subtle, so full of love.
Grey eyes met his, filled with uncertainty.
"What you said before… you meant it, didn't you?" He had to know, had to confirm. He needed to hear it.
"What do you want from me, Remy?" Sirius broke the distance between them, grabbed the werewolf by his collar. Their faces were so close; Remus ached to feel his lips. But this was a conversation they needed to have.
"I want you to stop, Sirius." He sounded weary; the last few weeks had taken more of a toll than he originally realised. Running here had made his legs weak and his head was spinning. He tried to focus: he couldn't mess this up.
"I want you to stop acting as if im not here, like I don't matter. I want you to stop acting like someone you're not. You think it makes you untouchable if you act like you don't give a shit…it just makes you a prick Sirius." He continued, feeling braver as he went on and Sirius just stood and listened. Didn't punch him, didn't shove him away. Just stared into his eyes and listened.
"I love you. I have for years. I want to be with you, and fuck what everyone else thinks. Im a werewolf for god's sake, im used to hatred. But I want you, Sirius. The real you, not this playboy act you put on."
"That's what I want, Sirius. " Remus leaned forward until their lips were so close to touching that Sirius wanted to whimper and close the distance.
"Do you want this to?"
"Yes. Yes, I want it, Remy. I want all of it."
Remus' response was to initiate the kiss for the first time.
It started slow and soft, then true to form Sirius took charge and it became filthy hot, desperate and yet now it was familiar, it was loving.
Sirius still had his hand on Remus' school tie and he used it for leverage to push the boy up against the sink, kissing him frantically.
"Oh, god Sirius, god I missed you so much, god I needed …." As the Animagus took his ear lobe and sucked on it, Remus nearly felt his knees collapse from the sensation.
"I know what you needed you dirty little whore." The words were growled and as Remus' bucked up and let out a strangled sob and Sirius knew he'd hit the jackpot with his lovely submissive.
Sirius basically ripped the shirt off Remus and was on his way down to the pants when suddenly-
"Mr Black! Mr Lupin! What are you two doing?"
Sirius groaned and pulled himself up, slipping his hand in Remus's as they turned to face their headmaster.
