AND SO… it is PETER's plan that is put into effect. And it sure does seem like a good plan, being that about five people get chauffeur-flown into the city on lion-eagle things and are then dropped off to dong a few guards on the head. OUTSIDE, a FAIR FEW FUGLY NARNIANS wait with swords at the ready, to be let in to the city.

C.S. Lewis Fans: I strangely don't recall reading this fight part in the books.

ANDREW ADAMSON: Well, thus us the sicond muddle-funger salute to Peter Jeckson. I mean, City of Gondor who? Thus is way more hardcore. It took us sux months to shoot, und twinty-five more computers. We even made T-shurts and beanies seying "I SURVIVED THE TELMARINE CITY RAID THING SHOOT: SO HA HA PETER JECKSON".

He holds up a big black lettered T-shirt proudly.

ANDREW ADAMSON: But I'll let you git beck to the movie now. It's a good but, thus. We made it up oursilves.

EVERYONE ELSE: We can tell.

EDMUND: dongs a few guards on the head with his trusty torch and then hides. Brilliant strategy

PETER: I'm not exactly sure what my role is in this assault, but I'm sure as hell gonna stay in front of the army and hog the screen time and exhibit how much larger my sword is than Caspian's.

CASPIAN: See you tosspots later. I'm off to save Gandalf Telmarine.

SUSAN: Coming!

They reach the JAIL where GANDALF TELMARINE is lying in a cell looking DEAD, but isn't. CASPIAN dongs a few guards on the head and lets him out. Another brilliant strategy.

GANDALF TELMARINE: Why do people like me always ask the hero why they came back to save my worthless arse? Have I no self-respect?

PETER: Did I just hear some bullshit about Caspian being the hero? I don't fecking think so! He rushes to the jail

GANDALF TELMARINE: By the way, Caspian, just to calm you down a bit, thought you might like to know that MIRAZ TELMARINE did your Dad in. Don't lose sleep over it.

CASPIAN: 'OW VERY DARE HE! charges off in a murderous rage to kill ONE SLEEPING MAN

GANDALF TELMARINE: And here I was thinking that information would diffuse the situation.

PETER comes charging into the JAIL…

PETER: to Gandalf Telmarine Where's that mofo gone? He's due a duell for that bullshit about him being the hero of this film.

GANDALF TELMERINE: He's gone to murder his sleeping uncle in cold blood.

PETER: Thought he'd hide behind his old uncle, did he? Well, your uncle won't save you now, Caspian! AWAY, HORSE!

MEANWHILE… TRUMPKIN and REEPICHEEP have teamed up because they are both as ridiculous and badly-written as one another. They are sort of trying to get the bridge down and mote down and the grate up and the boom gate up and whatever else this retarded city of Orthanc/Gondor has for its defences.

TRUMPKIN: I'm really short.

REEPICHEEP: Oh, the irony of that statement!

They BOTH stare at the audience, waiting for them to laugh. They DON'T.

MEANWHILE… CASPIAN has reached the bedchamber of his SLEEPING UNCLE MIRAZ TELMARINE. He obligingly waits for him and his wife to wake up and have breakfast before he threatens them.

MIRAZ TELMARINE: Oh, not to worry, it's just the pretty boy. I was wondering how long it would take for him to show up again.

CASPIAN: Vot is all zis shit about YOU doing in my farja?

MIRAZ TELMARINE: Your what?

CASPIAN: MY FARJA!

MIRAZ TELMARINE: Oh, that. Well… So?

CASPIAN: Vhy vould you kill my flesh and blood? You 'ad absolutely NO motive to do so. I alvays looked up to you, I loved you like a farja, I trusted you, you MAN-BULLY!

MIRAZ TELMARINE: Stop bullshitting, Caspian, you know as well as I that you couldn't stand me and I hated your guts. And funnily enough, you were supposed to be aware of this info BEFORE you upped stumps and left to join those freaky Narnian gremlins. How much more can they get wrong in this movie?

CASPIAN: Vot does it matter anyvays? I'm going to shoot you vunce and for all and zat freaky vife of yours.

PETER: TALLY-HOOOOOOOO!

CASPIAN: Zat's my goddamn line.

PETER: So, give me an update… who's killing who here?

CASPIAN: Vell, I 'ave my veapon trained on my evil uncle over 'ere. 'Is freaky vife 'as a veapon trained on me. You 'ave a veapon trained on both of us. Oh, and now Susan 'as 'er veapon trained on you. Because you 'ave your veapon trained on me.

PETER: I'm really stuck for choices. Which arsehole should I kill? There are too many in one room.

CASPIAN: Vell, I'm going for my evil uncle. 'e killed my farja after all.

MAMA TELMARINE: lets fly an arrow into Caspian's rather attractive body

MIRAZ: See you dipshits later! does a RUNNER, leaving his wife and kid behind. What a genuine, grade-A arsehole

CASPIAN: Damn! Foiled again!

SUSAN: He's only run into the next room. You could always, you know… follow him.

CASPIAN: Nah, zat vould make too much sense. Let's just say your brother's plan sucked and ve should do vot I do best vhich is another RUNNER.

SUSAN: Yes, but what about Queen Prun-a-what's-her-name?

PETER: Kill her? Torture her for information? Take her hostage? Steal her baby? Use it for a bargaining chip?

CASPIAN: Zat makes too much sense too. And remember, ANDREW ADAMSON made zis bit up. Ve can't let it actually change the storyline, because zat vould mean ve'd be straying from C.S. Lewis's source material.

SUSAN: pouts

PETER: bites lip

MAMA TELMARINE: stares

CRICKETS: chirp

CASPIAN: Vot? Isn't zis movie close to ze book or somezhing?

CRICKETS: keep chirping

CASPIAN: You mean ve've already strayed from ze source material??

PETER: rolls eyes Just a bit.

CASPIAN: My God. 'ow did I not know zis?

CRICKETS: still keep chirping

CASPIAN: I'm sick of zese rude crickets, let's leave. I know a good vay to go completely unnoticed. It's out ze front door. I did it vunce, it's a damn good trick.

PETER: Bit late for that. You totally just pucked up my plan. Now the Telmarines know we're here and we can't just continue murdering innocent people in their beds. We have to actually fight like, hand-to-hand style now.

CASPIAN: Oh, so now it's my fault? 'ow ze 'ell is it my fault? Susan, who's fault is it?

SUSAN: Peter's, certainly. I mean, why wouldn't he ruin his own plan? It's not like he wants to win or anything.

PETER: Well, I'm certainly not pulling out now. OPEN THE FRICKING GATE THING! We can win this battle here and now, even though it wasn't in the book so we obviously can't win anything. Who cares? STAY WITH ME, CAMERA!

The DRAWBRIDGE onto ANNIHILATION SQUARE and the MOTE and the OTHER BRIDGE and the TOLL GATE and the BOOM GATE and the GRATE and PORTCULLIS all open up/come down etc so that the FUGLY NARNIAN ARMY charge in with weapons flashing. For a while, the FUGLY NARNIAN ARMY look to be winning, just to waste a bit more screen time.

BIG CARPETED GOAT: Raaaargh, I'm a big carpeted goat! Don't I look convincing?

MIRAZ TELMARINE: Not really. Kills him dead

PETER: I'm killing ever so many Telmarines! So why are their numbers not declining?

CASPIAN: I told you ve'd never vin zis! I told you it vos a lost cause! I TOLD you it vos a crap plan!

PETER: When I've finished with this bunch of Telmarine bastards, you're next, Telmarine Bastard.

PETER and the FUGLY NARNIAN ARMY are now LOSING, even though they've killed ever so many Telmarines. Turns out that was just to use up screen time after all. There are lots of SLOW-MOTION shots of DYING NARNIANS IN PAIN to make people feel sad.

SUSAN: Judging by the slow-mo's and the tragic turn in the musical score, I'd say it's time we high-tailed it out of here.

PETER: Do you really think my ego will be able to cope with that?

CASPIAN obviously decided long ago that there was no point in fighting a losing battle, and so retrieved some horses from the stable instead. He gives one to SUSAN and they gallop away.

PETER: I can't believe I'm losing! My plan was such a good one. How could the High King of Narnia be LOSING?

He looks around and finally sees the CARNAGE of many NARNIAN CARPETS scattered around ANNIHILATION SQUARE. Seeing sense, PETER finally calls the retreat.

PETER: Pull back before you get yourselves killed, for god's sakes! Who's retarded battle plan was this anyway?

DEAD NARNIANS: Bit late for that, methinks.

THE REST OF THE NARNIANS: try to run away but get stuck behind the grate/gate/portcullis Well, shit. Top battle planning, your High Kingness.

PETER: Don't blame me, blame that Telmarine Bastard you all trusted. Anyway, no time to chat. Laterz.

He does a CASPIAN-STYLE RUNNER, leaving the screaming Narnians to be senselessly slaughtered behind the grate/gate/portcullis.