The spaceship was rather cozy. Ranma was beginning to think these aliens lived in their ships. What with the beds, fridges, and TVs. Lum had packed the whole group into the ship and was now heading off to what she called a "Neutral Planet" to apparently do some sort of contest. Lum had dragged Akane off to a private room on the ship, leaving the four guests to mill about.
Ran and Kodachi had ran off to their own little corner, the two sisters catching up after what Ranma was sure was years of separation. Kodachi may be a big pain in the rear but he knew exactly what it felt like to reunite with family. Which, sadly, left him dealing with Lum's "Darling", Ataru. He looked, overall, kind of annoyed at the whole endeavor. Ranma still hadn't quite forgiven him for trying to come on to Akane, even if he had backed off the moment he noticed the horns. Why Ranma was so annoyed at Ataru hitting on Akane was thoroughly suppressed.
"Soo… how'd you get stuck with her?" Ataru asked suddenly, breaking the weird silence.
"Stuck with her?" Ranma asked, "You mean, Akane? Man I ain't stuck with her. Even if our parents cooked up this arranged marriage cra-"
"Wait, an arranged marriage?" Ataru said, in a flash he was at Ranma's side, patting him on the shoulder in a way that reminded Ranma of a funeral greeting. "Geez, that's like medieval level stuff. Why are aliens arranging marriages with humans? What, are alien men impotent or something?"
Ranma scowled, "It's not that. Akane's mom is an Oni, we didn't even know about aliens and stuff until Lum showed up a week before that weird tag game. Our dads are training buddies. They thought it'd be a great idea for me to marry one of Mr. Tendo's daughters to continue the family dojo. Akane was the one who didn't turn me down fast enough." Ranma didn't quite know why he was explaining this to Ataru, probably just that he'd probably be seeing a lot of the guy. Might as well get the exposition sorted now rather than later.
Ataru actually brightened up at this news. "So she's mostly normal? OK! I'll have to give Akane an apology once I see her again. Maybe get her number so we can-"
Ranma had been leaning up against a nearby pipe as he chatted with Ataru. His hand suddenly gripped the pipe hard enough to crush it. He didn't notice, but Ataru sure did.
"Err… so… that dojo thing?" Ataru said, eyes locked onto the several inch thick steel that Ranma had just crunched.
"Oh yeah, spent my whole live training in Martial Arts." Ranma said, "Learned a ton of stuff."
"I see…" Ataru said, "So! Question! If, hypothetically, you picked a fight with me, how long you think that would take?"
Ranma let go of the pipe, not really noticing the water leaking out of the crushed metal. "I can throw maybe five hundred punches in a second. I'm pretty sure I'd need just one, you don't look like the fighting ty-"
Dear reader, if you didn't know that the next thing that happened was Ranma getting drenched by water from that pipe he'd just crushed, then you don't know all that much about Ranma Saotome. If you then didn't know that, on seeing Ranma turn into a cute and busty girl, what Ataru Moroboshi did next then you don't know him very well either.
"Warning, water pipe broken, deploying repair nanos." The ship's computer helpfully said. It was ignored by the two next to the pipe though.
"Woah! Where a cutie like you come from!?" Ataru said, grabbing Ranma's hands. "Were you abducted by aliens like I was! Don't worry, dear, I'll protect you from them! So why don't we introduce ourselves. I'm Ataru Moroboshi, and how about your name? Number? Bra size because I can see you're not wearing-" The next thing Ataru knew he was punched five hundred times in the space of a second, before being kicked into the ceiling of the spaceship. "Oh, hi there Ranma! Silly me I thought you were a boy!"
"Huh?!" Ranma grunted, suddenly beset by the horniest boy in the universe. "That should've put you out for at least minute!"
"A love tap like that?" Ataru laughed it off, "Don't worry about me! I think I understand now!" Ataru put his arm around Ranma. "Raised as a man by your father because he thought a woman couldn't be his heir! Forced to take on an arranged marriage! Surely even as we speak your inner femininity is is screaming to burst out!"
Meanwhile, back on Earth Ryuunosuke Fujinami sneezed, and then decked her idiot father.
Ranma's eye twitched, "It's… it's not that…" She growled, "And get your hand off me!" She grabbed his arm and executed a perfect form judo throw, slamming him into the wall again. This seemed to have about the same effect on the boy as pointing to a comfy beanbag in the corner of the room. He was, in the space of a second, back in Ranma's face. "OK, how the hell are you even walking?" This time she just kicked Ataru in the face, holding him back at leg's length. "It's like punching Ryoga except somehow tough-" She froze, a horrified thought coming to her head., "Oy, Moroboshi."
"Yes?" Ataru said, muffled through Ranma's foot.
"How often do girls hit you?"
"Err, a lot?" Ataru admitted.
"And how strong are they?" Ranma asked.
"Oh lot of them are tough, and my dear Shinobu I think is almost as strong as you Ranma! She doesn't hit me a ton but when she does ooohhh boy do I go flying!"
With those words Ranma's horrifying thought was confirmed. Ryoga had learned the Breaking Point by slamming himself into a bolder countless times over days. As a result he gained incredible toughness, able to take more punishment than anybody Ranma had met until today. Ataru Moroboshi had been his entire life pissing off so many women and getting slapped, punted, beaten, kicked, etcetera over the course of his endless pursuit of pretty girls. He had, over his entire life, received similar conditioning. And then a second, even more horrifying, thought occured to Ranma. Was this why Happosai was so hard to put down!? All those mobs of angry housewives… they were just making him harder to beat! In other words being a total pervert was a genuinely worthwhile method of trai- of trai - Nope, couldn't finish that thought. It felt like if she let that thought finish then Akane would somehow know and smack him for it. And Ranma knew she'd deserve it.
"Well I'll give you my number if you just get me some hot water." Ranma lied through her teeth.
"Right away!" Ataru said, dashing off and coming back in a flash with a steaming kettle. How the hell did he boil water that fast?! "What you need it for? Going to make us some tea? Ohhh is this a dat-"
Ranma took the kettle from Ataru, pouring it over now his head. Then he threw out an uppercut, straight under Ataru's chin. "I'm a guy you moron!"
Akane looked at herself in the mirror. She and Lum now wore matching outfits. A tank top that ended at Akane's midriff, a mini-skirt, a set of knee high boots, a helmet with large horns sticking out of the sides, and to top it off an actual cap. It was all orange and black tiger striped.
"Oh you look great!" Lum squealed, "Your Setsubun premiere is going to go great!"
Akane blushed, the outfit was a weird combination of imposing and sexy. A little voice in her head wondered if Ranma would like it, and was quickly drowned out by an internal chorus of 'he had better not!' Akane shook that off and returned to the matter at hand. "So is this a big deal?"
"Big deal! Big deal! The Setsubun Contest between the Oni and the Lucky Gods is the biggest brawl in the galaxy! The fate of the universe rests on its result!" Lum declared, a battle aura forming around her. "Every year we do battle! And this will be the biggest yet!"
"It got delayed this year though?" Akane said, adjusting her skirt.
"Yes there were some technical difficulties." Lum said, "And, uh, I might have pushed for them to be resolved. They were seriously planning on canceling it!"
"They were canceling something that the fate of the universe rests upon?" Akane said.
"I know, right? It's terrible!" Lum said, throwing back her own cape to let it billow dramatically for a moment. "Especially when it's so much fun."
"Fun?" Akane asked. "Uh, Lum, what exactly are we going to be doing in this… fight? Contest?"
Lum took Akane's shoulders, her facing shifting to pure seriousness. "A battle like this can not be explained with words, we must meet our enemy head on."
Akane's eyes widened, her expression matching Lum's. "Right, I know exactly what you mean!" Yes of course. That was how she preferred to fight. Facing the enemy, straight on in a contest of strength and determination. Burning battle auras erupted around both of them. "I'll make this the best Setsubun for you ever!"
"Wonderful!" Lum said, letting go of Akane and pulling open a closet. There were lines of outfits. Several old fashioned looking armors, and what looked like swimsuits. Akane reached in and picked up what looked like a weird combination of speedo and breastplate. The armor, obviously built for a man, amounted to a halfway covering piece of leather.
"Ooohhh you want Ranma to wear that!?" Lum said.
"W-what!? That's what this is for!?" Akane stared at the skimpy outfit, and pictured Ranma in it. Her face reddened, then she pictured Ranma in it post cold water. Her face reddened further. "Um! We should - we should probably get him some stronger chest protection too. Something, uh... flexible."
"Oh it's very flexible. Made of hyper-polymer." Lum picked up the half breastplate from off the hanger and bent it down the middle, it snapped back into position without any trace of damage. "So Ranma will be comfortable and protected with this, let's go get him!"
"Wait! N-no!" Akane said.
"What?" Lum smirked, "Don't you waaaannnnttt to see your Darling in this?" Lum winked, "Just tell him it's the traditional Setsubun garb for a girl's fiance."
"It's not like that!" Akane said, "Don't you dare!"
"Ranma! I got your outfit for Setsubun!" Too late, Lum was already flying out the door.
"Ah! Noooo! Stop!" Akane's legs left the ground, flying after her cousin. "Stop!"
"Akane picked it out for you!" Lum said, laughing.
"What are you trying to tell him!" Akane shouted.
"Nothing more than the truth!" Lum gave a naughty wink and reached the talking boys. "Here you go Ranma!" She tossed the bundled outfit at him. "It's what you have to wear for the Setsubun contest."
"Huh OK… that's an interesting pair out outfits you got on and-" Ranma actually looked down and noticed the outfit. "The hell is this!?"
"Don't you even think about-" Akane charged forward, still flying. But Lum held out her foot, and Akane somehow managed to trip mid-air, doing several somersaults and hitting the still being repaired pipe. Which, of course, caused it to break again and spray cold water all over Ranma.
Ranma looked down at the outfit, and back up at Akane. "Do I have to?" She asked.
"...fine yes you have to. Happy Lum!?" Akane said.
"Very." Lum pulled out a second similar outfit. "Here you go darling!" The dropped it into Ataru's head."
"Oh come on! Do I have to put up with this nonsense?" Ataru shouted.|
Ranma grabbed Ataru by the back of his collar. "Come on perv, if I have to put up with this then you have to."
"Oh are we changing together!?" Ataru asked, and then was punched by Ranma, kicked by Akane, and shocked by Lum, all simultaneously. "Hot water then!"
Of course, while all that was going on Ran had dragged Kodachi to the ship's bathroom. Which, it turned out, had a fairly large bath contained within. (Ran had been in this ship before.) Ran had declared that "This is going to be a long trip with an annoying ending, so let's enjoy this while we can" and the two had hopped into the too large bath.
Kodachi personally could hardly believe today was real. It had been a decade since her mother left with her younger twin. But now she was back, and an alien? Her mother wasn't from Earth!? Ranma was the pigtailed girl? Stuck with sensory overload, Kodachi did something she rarely did. She stayed quiet, and listened to people not herself. Namely Ran. "So what about you Kochan, I noticed you… eyeing that Ranma boy."
"Oh yes, Ranma-darling. I met him some time ago, when he so nobly rescued me! Ever since then I have felt the passion, the heat, the love between us."
Ran smiled, "Oh Kochan that sounds truly wonder-"
"But then those wretched other girls keep trying to steal him!" Kodachi hissed. "That crossdressing chef, the chinese girl, and worst of all Akane Tendo! How that women keep her claws into my darling Ranma I do not know. But I try to foil her at every turn!"
Ran twitched, "I see. I see. Yes. I understand exactly how you feel Kochan. The love of my life is the same way! Lum stole him! She bewitched him and even though she dumped him just because she could he's still obsessed with him! Even now I'm getting ready to get back at her! Ohohohoho!"
Kodachi gripped Ran's hands. "So she's just like Akane Tendo! I'll have my revenge on her!"
"They're wicked cousins Kochan, of course they're awful." Ran gripped her sisters hands, luckily Kodachi was significantly stronger than Ran or else it might have hurt a little. "Always flauting that sexy body of hers and acting all nice and cute but I know the black heart that beats in her too big chest!"
"And you say Akane Tendo is also…"
"An Oni yes." Ran said, "Those wicked Oni, trying to steal our men!"
"To think all this time I thought was merely speaking in metaphor when I called her a demon!" Kodachi said.
"Oh trust me, they're terrible when angry." Ran shuddered, "The things she put me through in childhood. The beds… the bees. It was awful! So don't worry Kochan, I'll help you get Ranma!"
"Oh Ran!" Kodachi said, tears in her eyes, hugging her sister. Thus she completely missed the rather nasty smirk that crossed Ran's face.
Sorry Kochan. I'll help you get Ranma. But once you give that boy his first kiss, well, I imagine you'll be a bit surprised when he stops acting like the handsome young man you might like. I'm sure you'll get over it. She thought, hugging Kodachi tighter.
