Ripped Tights
Chapter Four – I Used to be Golden
Jessica Day felt like a traitor. A terrible, treacherous traitor.
It was Sunday and the sky outside her bedroom window was as white as bone. Music flooded into her every atom of her being from her earphones. She had a playlist for days like this – days when the world was drained of colour and warmth - and the sad music made her even sadder. She never through she'd pine again. She had thought she was done with pining. Yet here she was.
Jess sighed and pulled out her notebooks – she had homework due on Monday. Usually, Jess had her homework completed by Friday night - Saturday night at the latest – but right now, she just couldn't concentrate. She was supposed to have read two chapters and finished a report on them by tomorrow morning. She couldn't even get past the first page. She read paragraph after paragraph. The words didn't connect into sentences. The words glided through her, ghost-like. She tossed the book aside and started doodling in her notebook.
These days, these days / These days I seem to think a lot / About the things that I forgot to do / And all the times I had the chance to, Nico sang through the headphones. There it was – that ache, that space. It was when you started to like a boy and didn't know how to stop. Everything reminded you of something different. The empty bottles, the dead leaves. How could so much change in a week? Jess scowled and lay down on her bed. It's just a tiny, stupid crush, she thought, a dumb crush. You've had crushes before – fleeting, non-permanent, over before you know it.
Even so, Jess decided she would have to break up with Spencer. If she was developing crushes on other guys – no matter how tiny those crushes were – it meant he wasn't right for her. Deep down, she had always known he wasn't right for her. She had just delighted in his attention. He had made her feel special, pretty, for a week or two. Then she realised she'd rather be somewhere else be talking and laughing with someone else – she'd rather not follow his bike down uncertain paths. She remembered her fingers – how they'd squeezed against the breaks. She remembered how she'd closed her eyes. How could she have let this go on?
And now – and now she'd let everything get tangled up. She'd gone too far – she'd actually kissed someone else, she had not just thought about it, but done it as well. It was unacceptable. Guilt and panic rose in her chest, blooming like flowers. At thirteen, she had told Cece that cheating was unforgivable, selfish and unkind, that it was never okay. That was over two years ago, and here she was. Thirteen-year-old Jess would be ashamed. Thirteen-year-old Cece, however, would have smiled and shrugged. Youth, fun, urgency, going after what you want. That's what Cece would have preached. But Jess knew that feelings were fragile, and should be protected. Jess brought her hands to her face, trying not to cry. Although – would Spencer even care? A lot of the time he seemed bored, annoyed, embarrassed even. Then again - "I really like you." - Spencer had told her that with his thumb grazing her cheek. What if her reckless behaviour actually did hurt him? "I really like you." Did she really like him too? The music swelled in her mind. No. No, she didn't. She wanted something else. Something – different. Not him, not this. She had to break it off – before things got too messy, too confused.
Jess paused the music. When she had gotten home early yesterday morning, feeling light-headed from lack of sleep, she had peeked into the kitchen to find her parents arguing over breakfast. They barely acknowledged her returning. They had just asked her how her sleepover with Cece had been and lapsed into a tense silence. Even now, that tense silence permeated through the walls of the house. Jess turned the music back on.
Enough moping, you weirdo, Jess thought suddenly, you're better than this. Happy music. Now. Happy music, and then, fixing your life.
Jess flipped over to her 'Showtunes!' playlist and opened her book. She finished her report by sundown and fell into a deep, deep sleep as the rain began tapping at the window.
…
By morning, it became clear that a storm had brewed into being overnight. Jess pulled a raincoat on over her black sweater and tucked her hair into the hood. Riding to school, her brain was full of thoughts on Victor Hugo, and everything felt like it was back to normal for a while. Jess approached the school, her bike skidding through the gathering puddles. The sky was full of ominous purple clouds which held the promise of thunder. As Jess went to chain her bike to the racks round the back with her hair spilling out of her hood, she was stopped dead in her tracks by the sight of Spencer.
"Hey." She said weakly, her hands tightening on the handlebars.
Spencer took off his helmet and tossed his hair back in the rain, all the while glaring at Jess. As she stood still with her bike, he pushed past her and made his way into the school. Jess sighed. Silent treatment, huh? She though to herself sadly, That ought to make breaking up with him much easier.
...
Jess watched the raindrops travel down the glass as her teacher, Mr Mateo, spoke passionately about the themes and style of Les Miserables.
As the lesson drew to a close, Jess pulled out her report. She walked solemnly up to Mr Mateo's desk and handed it to him.
"Did you enjoy the first couple of chapters, Miss Day?" Mr Mateo asked, slipping her report into the pile of papers.
"I did, yeah." Jess muttered, slinging her bag over her shoulder.
"You seemed a bit distracted in class today." Mr Mateo said directly.
"I'm sorry. I'll do better next time, I promise." Jess said hurriedly. She never, ever got into trouble. Her heart started beating fast.
"That's okay, Jess. I'm sure your report will show what you're capable of – I've heard you're a very bright student." Mr Mateo went on. He had a reputation for being a relatively relaxed teacher – a cool teacher, even.
"This class is great," Jess said eagerly, "I'm really looking forward to reading all the books you've chosen."
"Have you heard of the MacGregor programme, Jess?" Mr Mateo asked, resting a hand against his beard, "It's an exchange programme. We offer one student here a chance to study abroad for a semester. In this class, for instance, we offer a student a chance to study in Paris – the home of French Literature. If you'd like to apply, let me know. I'll give you a form to fill in. Who knows – you could end up spending next semester in the country of Victor Hugo."
"Right," Jess said, "Thanks for letting me know. I'll think about it, Mr Mateo."
"You do that," Mr Mateo responded, grabbing his briefcase as he stood up, "Now go have fun with your friends at lunch."
…
Jess carried her tray toward her new regular table. She noticed her friends were there already – Cece was shaking her head at something Schmidt was saying. Nick and Winston looked like they were involved in a heated discussion. Nick looked flustered. Jess felt a flutter in her stomach that she tried to ignore. She and Nick had barely spoken on Saturday morning – neither at the camp site nor in the car. She had purposefully stared silently out of the window, ignoring him. He'd mumbled a goodbye as she'd left, but he hadn't texted at all on Sunday. That was fine. She hadn't texted him either. She shifted, overcome by an uncomfortable thought: she wasn't sure how drunk he had been – did he even remember what had happened?
"Jess, hey!" He greeted her as she sat down. There was nothing out of the ordinary about his tone or expression. Jess smiled as she returned his greeting. So far, so normal, she thought, relieved.
"Jess, thank god," Cece said, giving Jess a look that she didn't quite understand, "These guys are driving me crazy."
"Jess, you'll never believe it," Nick said, a goofy grin on his face, "Caroline emailed me yesterday."
"She did?" Jess asked, raising her eyebrows. Winston caught her gaze and held it for a second. If Nick didn't remember their kiss, Winston certainly did. The image was probably etched into his brain. She forced herself to look neutral as she broke their eye contact.
"Yeah – when I got home there was an email waiting for me," Nick continued, "It wasn't too long. She just said that Europe sucked and that the food sucked and that school sucked and that- and that she missed me."
"Sounds interesting." Jess said, kicking Cece under the table. Her friend was looking at her as if she were a kicked puppy and that wasn't at all what she needed.
"Can you believe that? She misses me. I mean – she dumped me. She dumped me and left the country. Now she says she misses me. What am I supposed to do with that? What do you think it means?" Nick asked, looking around at everyone at the table with wild eyes.
"And they say girls overanalyse everything." Jess said drily, rolling her eyes.
"Overanalysing Caroline's texts and emails is the closest thing Nick has to a hobby," Schmidt said, taking a drink of water.
Jess looked from Nick to Winston to Cece and for a moment, felt a desperate urge to stand up and leave. She had resolved not to wear her heart on her sleeve, to act cool, but that was proving difficult. How could Nick kiss her and then obsess over Caroline's messages? No – that wasn't fair. How could she kiss Nick when she had a boyfriend? That was the real question, the real issue. That was the problem she had to fix.
"So, Jess," Cece said breezily, "How was English?"
"Fine," Jess said, poking at a french fry with her fork, "We talked about the book. I kind of spaced out for a while. Mr Mateo told me all about this exchange programme to Paris. Boring stuff."
"An exchange programme to Paris?" Cece's eyes widened, "Are you going to think about it?"
Jess shrugged.
"Can we talk about my problems for a minute?" Nick asked, flustered, "How do I respond to this email?"
"Man, I wish I could listen to my 'Showtunes!' playlist." Jess muttered under her breath.
"What?" Nick snapped.
"Nothing," Jess sighed, "Look, Nick, it's easy. How do you feel about Caroline?"
"I- I don't know. I haven't thought about it that much recently. I guess I miss her too. I mean, I miss having someone who's always there and always down to goof around. When she was around, it was like - I had this role. I was a boyfriend, and I think that I was good at it. I miss that." Nick looked down at the table, "I miss...everything."
"Right," Jess said finally, "Then you should tell her that."
"You think so?" Nick asked, looking up at Jess.
"We should all go after what we want, right?" Jess said, keeping her eyes fixed on Nick's. His brow furrowed slightly, confused.
Schmidt's eyes darted from Nick to Jess to Winston to Cece. He opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted. The bell rang, signalling the end of lunch, and slashing through the uncomfortable silence.
Jessica Day cleared her tray wordlessly and hurried to her next class, ignoring Winston's sympathetic smiles and Cece's hand squeezing her shoulder. She didn't need it. She didn't need any of it.
…
Jess waited at the bike racks until Spencer showed up. The rain had settled for the day and the dark rain-clouds had moved on. The school grounds were still littered with puddles, but there was a sliver of blue sky through the white clouds. Jess assumed that was a sign, a signal. Lucky blue sky – it was prettier than any colour. She leant back against the wall.
Spencer regarded Jess coolly as he unchained his bike from the metal rack.
"Do you want to cycle home together?" She asked, her arms crossed tight over her chest.
"Why should I say yes? You'll probably just bail again." Spencer commented bitterly.
"I won't." She assured him softly.
"I waited all Friday night for you to text or call. Nothing. And then silence all weekend. I thought we had decided to spend the night together? Is this about the helmet thing? I told you I'm over it." Spencer said, remaining distant from Jess.
"It's not about the helmet thing. I'm sorry I didn't call." Jess said, moving forwards.
"Are you into this, Jess? Because I don't think you are, and to be honest, I don't really care. I don't really need your flakiness in my life. Indecisiveness is so immature, you know?" Spencer said, giving a light shrug.
Jess was taken aback – she hadn't expected him to say that. She flinched, as if suddenly wounded. Her flakiness? Did the words hurt so much because they were true? Was her flakiness causing all of these problems? Is that what she wanted to be – a flaky person? Or did the words hurt because she didn't really want to leave Spencer and hadn't really realised that until now? Maybe it was Nick Miller - with his brown eyes and his bedhead and the scent of booze caught on his breath – who had messed everything up. No, no, no. You're supposed to be fixing things. Don't get caught out. But suddenly, she didn't know what to think. Suddenly, she lost her nerve. Suddenly, she was running off, away from Spencer and away from the school and away from everything. She heard Spencer calling after her. She heard him shout that she'd forgotten her bike. She didn't care. She needed to run. Things could stay broken. For one more day, things could stay broken.
That night, the thunder roared.
…
"Have you gone completely crazy?" Cece tapped her nails against the cubicle door, "It's Tuesday, it's lunch time and you're locked in the bathroom. What happened, Jess?"
"I don't know," Jess groaned. Trust Cece to track her down. "Boys are- and I'm- I had to walk through the rain today because my bike- I- Nick- and- I don't know where to sit, Cece."
"What are you talking about? You sit with me. You sit with me, and if you want to, with our new friends. What's the problem?" Cece said quietly against the door.
"I don't know." Jess muttered.
"If you like Nick, you should tell him." Cece said softly.
"I- It was just a dumb crush, Cece. But with Spencer- I don't know how to end it with him, or if I even should. Maybe I was neglecting him, getting too focused on another boy – maybe I should start over with him. Maybe I need to be someone's girlfriend – just like Nick needs to be someone's boyfriend." Jess babbled, fiddling with the bathroom lock.
"Is that what this is about?" Cece asked, "You're jealous of this Caroline girl?"
"No," Jess protested, horrified. Jealous was a dirty word. "It's just got me thinking – about relationships and what works and what doesn't and-"
"It's okay to be jealous, Jess – and it's okay if you're not. It's okay if it was just a big, dumb crush that you're now totally over. But if you're going to stay with Spencer, please, for the love of god, stay with him because you want to. Because more than any of those things, it's okay to be by yourself, Jess." Cece said, "Now come out."
Jess unlocked the door and glared lovingly at her best friend. Cecilia Parekh was truly one of the greatest human beings on the planet.
Jess linked arms with Cece as they walked into the lunch room.
"Ladies," Schmidt sighed in relief as they approached, "We were beginning to think you wouldn't show. Us boys can't go back to eating alone. You know how that would affect our street cred, don't you?"
"What street cred?" Cece asked, raising an eyebrow.
"So how about that storm?" Winston asked, trying to change the subject. Beside him, Nick was typing hurriedly on his laptop. He had hardly even glanced at Jess and Cece since they had sat down.
"I just hope the party isn't cancelled." Schmidt said flippantly.
"I love storms – they're so exciting. That thunder last night was beyond cool." Jess said, purposefully ignoring the clacking sound of Nick's furious typing.
"I said I hope the party isn't cancelled." Schmidt repeated loudly.
"What party, Schmidt?" Cece asked, rolling her eyes.
"Only the coolest party of the semester," Schmidt explained, grinning, "Benjamin's Fall Blowout. I did some social networking and managed to get us all invited. Hashtag you're welcome."
"No real life hashtagging." Nick snapped, not looking up from his computer.
"It's this Saturday," Schmidt continued excitedly, "Anyone who's anyone is going to be there. I think this is my moment."
"What moment?" Cece asked, frowning.
"You didn't used to be like this, man," Winston said, shaking his head, "We used to be enough for you, you social-climber."
"Do we have to go to a party?" Jess groaned, "Can we not go to, I don't know, an aquarium or something?"
"An aquarium?" Schmidt shook his head, "No. There is no alcohol at an aquarium. There are none of the coolest girls in school at an aquarium."
"If Cece and I were in a shark tunnel, there would be, am I right?" Jess laughed.
"Jess, a party could be fun," Cece said pointedly, "Especially for a single girl."
Nick's gaze flicked up from his computer screen for the first time since they sat down. He looked at Jess.
"You're single? You finally dumped Spencer? Good for you." He said, giving a nod of approval.
"I have not dumped Spencer," Jess said in a hushed voice, glaring at Cece.
"How's that email going, Nick?" Schmidt asked, "You've worked on it enough. Is Caroline jumping on a plane yet?"
"I have not dumped Spencer," Jess repeated heatedly, "In fact, I'm supposed to go sit with him for the second half of the lunch break – so if you'll excuse me."
Jessica Day stormed over to the front of the lunch room to sit next to Spencer. Her boyfriend regarded her coolly for a moment before slinging an arm over her shoulder. She sighed. She didn't look back. Jess wasn't even sure if she cared whether Nick Miller had watched her go or not.
He had.
…
Nick Miller was a mess. He had been formulating a response to Caroline all week. It was hard. His friends were useless. Their advice was unhelpful. Jess hadn't even sat with them since Tuesday afternoon. Sometimes he caught a glimpse of her sitting over at Spencer's table, her dark hair shaking as she laughed. He inhaled deeply. What was this girl doing to him?
He had kissed her - it had been electric, exciting. At the time he had thought – why haven't we been kissing since the beginning? Those eyes on his, that silky hair between his fingers, his mouth hard upon hers – it had been perfect. He hadn't wanted the moment to end. Damn Winston, Nick thought.
In the morning, she barely said a word to him. She had forgotten the kiss. Of course she had – she'd had a lot of beer - enough beer to make her want to kiss someone like him in the first place. She hadn't remembered and she still had a boyfriend and there wasn't even time for that to eat him up inside because he had gotten home to a landmine of an email from Caroline that had sent his brain spinning.
Girls were so confusing.
So Jess was with Spencer and she couldn't remember that she had kissed him and seemed disinterested anyway. Caroline was there – actually telling him that she missed him. Who cares if they fought all the time and made each other miserable? Shared misery was better than crushing loneliness, wasn't it? He laughed. He typed up reply after reply. He discarded drafts, erased phrases. He couldn't get it done. His thoughts were too focused on a girl who was sitting at another lunch table, with another guy's arm around her shoulders. She was laughing at his jokes. He wanted to make her laugh like that – he had thought he had made her laugh like that. Wait- he thought, not like that. Softer, gentler. Real. He frowned and slammed the laptop shut.
Lunch was the worst. He couldn't wait for gym.
…
It was a Saturday and Jess had never known a storm to last so long. After the somewhat over-dramatic move of locking herself in a bathroom stall, she had spent the remainder of the week hanging out with Spencer and his friends. At first it had been okay, but eventually she couldn't stand the banal, repetitive conversations. She missed laughing with her new friends – she missed making fun of the boys with Cece, teasing one another and coming up with new inside jokes. She missed being herself – acting unguarded. Mostly, she had realised that she hadn't really talked to Nick Miller all week and she regretted it. Her heart regretted it. Maybe she was jealous. Maybe she wanted to kiss him again. One thing was certain: if she didn't want to mess up her friendship group, she had better let it go. Whatever it was. They were supposed to be going to this stupid party tonight. All Jess really wanted to do was listen to music in bed or watch a stupid movie while eating Oreos out of the packet. Cece and Schmidt were determined to go, though, so Jess wandered over to her wardrobe to pick out an outfit. It would be fine. It could even be fun. Whatever happened, she would try to have fun. Whatever happened, she would stay clear of booze.
Jess picked out a floral patterned top and a long black skirt. She tied her hair in a messy bun and then attached a polka dot bow. Jess never really wore much make-up other than mascara and concealer, but Cece had been teaching her how to apply eyeliner, so she decided to give that a try. A few failed attempts later, and Jess thought she looked passable. Pretty. She put one hand on her hip and relaxed, inspecting her reflection. She then walked across to her dressing table and spritzed perfume on her wrists and neck. She wondered if Nick Miller would notice her perfume. Would he like it? She shook her head, banishing the question.
Her parents were out – dinner at a friend's house. They had bickered as they made their way to the car. She wondered if their night would be worse than her own. They said they would be back at midnight, so that gave her a window of time to hit the party for a few hours. They didn't even need to know she'd left her room.
As if on cue, she heard the low bellow of the car horn outside. She pulled on her jacket and stole one last glance at herself in the mirror before heading out to the Schmidt family car.
"Where's Cece?" Jess asked the three boys in the car.
"Classic Cecilia – she said she would 'hook up with us later' – whatever that means. I think it means her man friend called." Schmidt muttered darkly.
"Well, look, I don't really want to come if Cece's not coming." Jess said.
"Jess, no, you have to come." Winston said.
"Cece will be there. She will." Schmidt insisted.
"Yeah, it'll be no fun without you." Nick called from the back seat. Jess watched him through the window.
Jess rolled her eyes and then climbed in beside him.
"You look great, Day," Nick said, smiling. She turned to face him, returning his smile. He was wearing a t-shirt and jeans and he looked so happy to see her and oh, she had missed him. "What is that? Perfume? You smell like a damn rose garden. Nice."
She had missed him terribly.
…
The party was in full swing by the time they got there. Jess walked through the hallway toward the lounge. The lights were low – an ambient, pink-tinged glow illuminating the room. Electro music bubbled and bounced from wall to wall. Jess couldn't make out the words. The air smelled thick and sweet – like fruit punch and deodorant and sweat. Some people danced in a cluster in the corner of the room. Most of the guests sat lazily around tables, chatting loudly. Jess folded her arms.
Almost immediately, Schmidt began talking to a slim brunette in a silver dress. Jess recognised the girl – she was older than they were, and very popular. Nevertheless, she seemed impressed by whatever Schmidt was saying to her. Jess imagined they'd be lost in conversation for a while. She turned to Nick and Winston, who looked as lost as she felt.
"So, should we like, mingle or something?" Jess asked.
Nick and Winston surveyed the room silently. That would be a no, then, Jess thought.
"We should bust some moves on that dance floor is all I'm saying," Winston said, raising his voice over the music.
"I need to be way more drunk to bust some moves, Winston," Nick said, wrinkling his nose, "I'll go grab us some beers."
"Not me," Jess said suddenly, "I'm laying off the booze tonight, Miller. An ice water will be just fine."
"You sure, Jess?" Nick asked, tilting his head to the side.
"Positive," Jess nodded.
"Well, alright. Two beers and one ice water coming up." Nick said before heading over towards the kitchen.
"I know your game, Jessica Day," Winston said, looking at Jess knowingly as soon as Nick was out of earshot.
"And what's that, Winston?" Jess asked, raising an eyebrow.
"You're setting yourself up for failure. If you want to kiss Nick again, you will. Not drinking booze isn't going to change that," Winston said, shrugging.
"That's not my game, Winston," Jess replied, "What you saw before- that was a mistake. Can we forget it?"
"That's what you both want, isn't it? To forget it and go back to being buddies? But maybe you two aren't supposed to be buddies. Maybe you should stop acting so childish," Winston said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some shapes to throw all over this dance floor."
Jess watched Winston shimmy over to the dance floor. It didn't take long for some girls to approach him and join in. They were a couple of cute girls from the grade below them. Damn Winston, Jess thought, he gets the moves, the girls and the wisdom. Being called childish by Winston was truly a bit of an eye-opener. Jess shook her head, smirking, as Winston and the two girls started drawing the attention of a crowd. They really were tearing it up.
"Here's your ice water, Jess," Nick said, reappearing with two beers in one hand and a cold glass of water in the other.
Jess stared at him for a moment before laughing.
"Just give me a beer, Miller," she said, taking Winston's beer out of his hand.
"I thought-" Nick started, confused, "Okay – I'll go grab Winnie another."
As Jess sipped on her beer, someone approached her from the left. Jess turned, expecting Cece.
"You're Spencer's chick, aren't you?" The curly-haired boy asked.
"Uh- yeah-" Jess replied slowly, "Who are you?"
"I'm Benjamin. This is my party." Benjamin said smugly.
"Well, it's a very nice party, Benjamin. Top notch, really." Jess said awkwardly.
"Who are you here with? I know I didn't invite Spencer. The guy is a freak, always talking about the environment. Like, how is recycling going to help us at this point anyway? Am I right?" Benjamin said, laughing.
"I don't know," Jess answered, shrugging, "I'm here with Schmidt, so."
"Oh, Schmidt. Remember when he used to be fat? I suppose if he were still fat, you wouldn't even be here, because I wouldn't have invited him. I guess him shedding the pounds was a blessing to us all." Benjamin continued, leaning in.
"What does that mean?" Jess asked, eager to end the unpleasant conversation.
"It means that you're a hottie, hottie," Benjamin said with a wink, "I'll see you around."
Ugh, Jess thought, as Benjamin walked away to mingle with some other party guests, what a creep.
"Benjamin bothering you?" Nick asked, as he walked up with a handful of open beers, "The guy is such a penis."
Jess snorted through her nose.
"He really is." She agreed, nodding.
"So you having fun yet or what?" Nick asked, leaning against the wall beside her.
"Maybe," Jess said, her gaze travelling from his eyes to his lips, "Not sure yet,"
"You- uh, you wanna dance?" Nick asked, looking down at his bottle.
"Not really. I think I'll just wait for Cece," Jess said, "But you go ahead. I bet you and Winston are a good double act."
"Oh, you have no idea." Nick said, before heading towards the dance floor.
He was right. She really had no idea.
Jess spent the next hour or so drinking beers, laughing at Winston and Nick, and making small talk with girls from her classes. There was no sign of Cece. Schmidt and the brunette had disappeared, which surprised Jess. Maybe he could blossom into quite the ladykiller one day.
Jess checked the time. She still had a while before she had to head home, but she wasn't sure what to do. Schmidt was occupied. Nick and Winston had started chatting to the two girls who had been dancing with them. She knew she couldn't go over there. It would cramp their style. She looked over once again. Nick was smiling, running a hand through his hair. Her brain was buzzing with thoughts and feelings that she couldn't describe. She clenched her teeth. It was bothering her. It was really bothering her. She was jealous and it was ugly and suffocating. She drained the beer from her bottle. Where are you Cece? Jess thought desperately.
I'll go to the bathroom, Jess thought, sadly, I'll go to the bathroom then I'll slip out and leave. It's not that far to my house and the walk will clear my head. They don't even have to know I've gone.
Jess went to the bathroom. She splashed water on her face. As she made her way back downstairs, Benjamin gave her a creepy, lingering look. She scowled at him and made her way towards the door. She looked back, just once, and saw Nick Miller smiling at another girl and it felt like there were icy fingers clawing at her heart. She stepped outside and the cold air felt kind in comparison.
...
It was raining outside. The ground was slick with it. The streetlamps were reflected in it. Jess bit her lip and pulled her hood tight over her head before dashing out into the rain alone.
"Jess!" Nick was calling after her. Of course he is, she thought. She could never, ever slip out unnoticed while he was around. She was secretly delighted. She was secretly horrified. "Wait up!"
Jess stopped, but didn't turn around to face him as he approached. She stared down at her combat boots, watching the rain wash them shiny and clean. She hated feeling like this. She hated feeling so torn and lonely and tumultuous. She hated showing Nick this ugly part of herself – the part that caused her to run out into the rain by herself when things got tough, when things weren't working out, when everything made her act crazy and cold. She wanted Nick to see her as cheerful and funny and happy. She only wanted him to see the shiny, bright parts. She curled her hands into fists. Her fingers were wet and numb from the rain.
"What are you doing, dummy?" He asked, catching his breath. He wasn't wearing a jacket and the rain began to soak his hoodie almost immediately. "You feeling okay? You want me to walk you home or something?"
"I just- I don't feel like being around people who aren't you." She admitted eventually, her voice cracking slightly. She closed her eyes tightly, willing herself not to cry.
Nick was silent for a moment as he regarded her with curious brown eyes. Then, he sighed and nodded.
"Okay," he said, "Okay, let's go."
Jess looked up at him. His hair was flattened. The dark brown strands curled slightly in the rain. She followed a drip travel down his nose. He was perfect and she wanted him and she wished more than anything that he wanted her too.
"Right," she said sadly, "Let's go."
…
They ended up at the basement. They ran through a mile of rain, their feet kicking up the water from the puddles pooling in the streets. They were soaked by the time they ended up at Nick's house. As usual, there was no sign of his dad. Jess followed Nick down to the basement where he turned on the electric heater and handed her a towel.
Nick dried his hair as Jess hung her coat and his hoodie up to dry. They were soaked down to their t-shirts.
"I'll go get us some dry clothes." Nick muttered.
He found an old shirt of his for her to wear – dark forest green with long sleeves. They turned around to give each other privacy to change. Jess' numb fingers stumbled over the pearly buttons. It was so quiet, she could hear Nick's shallow breathing over the rhythmic hum of the electric heater.
Once they had changed, and dried the rain from their hair, they sat on the couch in silence.
"What do you want to do?" Nick asked awkwardly, "Do you want me to take you home? It is pretty late."
"No," Jess shook her head, "It's raining so heavily and- and I'm just- I'm just so tired, Nick. Do you think I could sleep on the couch? Just for tonight?"
"Of course, Jess," Nick said, "I'll go get you some blankets."
Nick climbed the stairs and Jess sunk into the couch, sighing. What are you trying to do? She asked herself, her heart beating quick in her chest. You shouldn't be here. When he returned, he passed her the blanket and pillow. Jess noticed Nick Miller's gaze travel across her, lingering and conflicted. She inhaled deeply. She wanted to reach out and touch him, to squeeze his hand and to tell him she was so thankful that he took such good care of her, but she couldn't touch him. She felt like the world would stop spinning on its axis if she touched him. The world had to go on spinning, and so he had to climb the stairs and sleep in his own bed and really, Jess knew that she should go home. A good girl would go home.
But Jess didn't feel like a good girl.
"Nick?" She asked, as he started to leave, "Could you stay with me? Just until I get to sleep?"
Nick pressed his lips together and ran a hand through his hair.
"Is that what you really want?" He asked slowly, evenly. His voice was rough, his body tense.
"Yeah." Jess said in a voice that was not much louder than a whisper.
Nick climbed onto the couch and under the blanket beside her. Heat radiated from his body. His eyes never left hers. She swallowed thickly, and wordlessly, she turned away from him.
Under the blanket, they formed to the shape of each others bodies. Tentatively, Nick wrapped an arm around Jess. Slowly, they relaxed into one another, their breathing synchronising. Jess could feel the rise and fall of Nick's chest at her back. She wondered if his heart was beating as quickly as her own. As if hearing her thoughts, he intertwined his fingers with hers.
Jess thought about how he fit perfectly against her, like the sky against stars.
It was the last thing she could remember thinking before she fell asleep.
…
Jess woke up to the sight of sunlight pouring through the tiny basement window. It fell in a wide, golden column, speckled with glittering dust. Jess groaned, her head aching slightly. She eventually noticed Nick Miller, over on the other side of the room, folding his now-dry clothes into a neat pile.
"Hey," She said groggily, "Good Morning. Did you have good dreams?"
"Sort of," He muttered, not meeting her eyes.
"What did you dream about?" She asked. Her voice was laced with sleep.
"Nothing." He looked over at her, his gaze hard.
"Why are you all the way over there?" She asked, sitting up.
"Listen. We can't do this, Jess." Nick said finally, a muscle in his jaw tensing.
"Do what?" Jess asked. She had to feign innocence. Talking about anything real was too much. It was too confusing, too adult, too dangerous.
"You can't, you know, just ask me to join you in bed. You just can't. We can't do this again." Nick said firmly.
"Why not?" She asked. Her voice was very small. She felt like running away into the rainy night again. But it was daytime and the rain had stopped and she was in Nick Miller's basement, wearing his shirt, and she'd took it too far. She'd took it too far.
"Because you have a boyfriend, Jess. You have a boyfriend and you're one of my best friends and it's just too hard. It's- look- we can't do this again because if we do, I will find it too hard to stop myself from touching you," Nick said, looking away, "And you don't get it."
"I-" Jess started, ready to say that she did get it, that she got it more than he could imagine, but he had made it clear. He'd said that she had a boyfriend, and that they were best friends and she kicked the blanket away and stood up wildly because this, this was the stupidest thing she had ever done.
"Let me walk you home." He said softly.
"No," She snapped, "Just stop. Stop offering to walk me home. You're right. I have a boyfriend and you're one of my best friends and best friends don't walk each other home, Nick, and I have to go."
He didn't stop her as she gathered her things. He didn't stop her as she pulled on her coat. He didn't stop her as she turned to go. But as she stormed up the stairs, he called her name, just once.
She turned to look at him. His brown eyes were dark, and fierce.
"Say hi to Spencer for me." He said coldly.
She slammed the door behind her.
