The Diary of Queen's Pet

Chapter 4

Author's Notes: In honor of my birthday, I decided to go ahead and post this chapter. I'm not quite as pleased with it as I am with the previous chapters but none the less I wanted to give you guys a gift…I know how strange it is that I'm giving gifts on my birthday but hey I'm a generous soul and this has been written and reworked a few times to make it fit. I wasn't sure I was even going to use it but I decided to keep parts of it and throw out others. I hope it's not too terribly confusing. We're also going to be easing up to a Mature Rating soon. Be warned that this isn't going to be pretty and things will get rather graphic in every sense of the word. As always please let me know what you think if you're so inclined and Happy Yule, Christmas, whatever the hell you celebrate. ~ Bella

I'm sure you're wondering what happened to Anne. Well to be honest I don't know myself. I never saw her again after that first time we kissed. I asked about her once or twice but everyone said she had run away in the night. I don't think they noticed that I saw the grim looks they'd exchange when they thought I wasn't looking. Even now I don't know what happened or where she went. I can only assume she'd dead. That seemed to be the implications of their looks. I've never actually asked the Queen about her. I suppose I should given what I now know; that it was likely her doing that Anne disappeared. I cannot, however, accuse my queen of something I don't know she was responsible for. I can only hold my suspicions to myself and hope that I'm incorrect. I know in my heart though that I'm right and the Queen was responsible for my first kiss' disappearing. I won't blame her nor ask her as I've said previously I know how possessive she is of what is hers.

I continued to serve the Queen as was my charge. What else could I do really? Though I was pleased to see that every day I served the Queen her breakfast, I learned something new about her. When she was agitated she paced and twisted her hands; when she was content with something she would settle her compact body along the chaise lounge and allow me to stare at her long lean legs; when she was angry about something she was silent as the grave and she'd stare with a slight curl of her lip out the open sides of the castle. I never saw her truly happy but that was all right. I was content just being near her. When she was in a good mood she'd talk to me too. I loved talking to her; her voice was so musical and low. I could listen to it for hours and still never figure out all the timbers of it.

I was twelve winters old the first time I met you Graham. I can still remember that day vividly. I was just beginning to grow into my body. I was gangly in appearance, all knobby knees and elbows Elizabeth said. She once compared me to a new foal just learning its legs. I hated that comparison. I didn't want to be a gangly child, I wanted to be grown. I wanted to be beautiful like Queen Regina. But with my budding body and awkward, clumsy way it was difficult to see me becoming anything more than a little waif.

Elizabeth had already begun to pull away from me during this time. In fact I really noticed that everyone didn't want much to do with me right after Anne's disappearance. I was so lonely that my only solace came from being near the Queen. I think she knew that too. When she was in a good mood she would usually give me a kiss on the cheek or forehead. She would talk to me too; read to me. Is it such a wonder really that I love her as I do? She's the only one that actually showed me any affection at all. I suppose that could be seen as partially her fault too. She after all made sure everyone knew I belonged to her and was for her solely. But those are solely my own musings and I still have no idea what she's truly thinking.

That day though was just like any other for me. I woke up and slipped into my dress which was beginning to fit me strangely as my body grew in ways I never imagined would happen. It pulled tight across my budding chest. I still had no idea what was in store for me when I got to the Queen's rooms but I hoped she would be as good to me as she usually was when she was in a good mood.

I took the Queen's tray upstairs just like I always did. I made my way along the hallways no longer finding them as intimidating as I once had. I passed the Queen's guards but they barely gave me a glance. They were as used to my presence in the mornings as I was theirs. I carefully set the tray down beside my feet as I went to push the Queen's outer door open. I was always told to enter the outer door and knock on the inner. Queen Regina was particular about her privacy but she had grown indulgent with me. Especially with my hair blonde; when I had darker hair she usually frowned when she thought I wasn't looking but with my blonde hair she was more than willing to be allow me closer. I liked when she was generous with me. It meant I got to spend time with her before she sent me away to begin her day.

I lifted the tray once more careful not to rattle the fine china too much before I tapped my fist against the heavy oak outer door. Her voice didn't immediately echo and I frowned, unable to keep the pout from my face. Where was she? I wanted to see my Queen. It was the best way to start the morning. Even if she was in a bad mood I still liked getting to see her. The hardest days were when she told me not to deliver her breakfast the next day. I would grow lethargic and didn't want to do anything. Elizabeth would be so angry with me on those days but I didn't care. I only wanted to see my Queen was that so much to ask?

Finally her soft low voice echoed a "Come in," and with a bright smile I pushed open the door.

"Good morning your grace," I chirped happily, my eyes on the tray I was carefully carrying. I set it down on the small table by the chaise lounge and turned only to find myself confronted with a sight I'd never seen before.

I was glad my hands were free as I felt slightly faint. I knew I would've dropped the tray if it had been in my hands. The Queen was standing in front of me in her usual regal gown, this one of the deepest emerald. I'd never seen her wear anything that wasn't a dark color and this was no exception. She also always wore something black with her various shots of color. Her black boots were up to her thigh much like her riding boots but these stopped just over her knee and were very shiny like they hadn't been worn that often. The leather creaked whenever her regal figure shifted her weight from one foot to the next. Her long hair which I was so used to seeing down or very loosely braided was put up on top of her head in various thick tight curls. They were pinned to her head forming a bun of sorts. She was always so beautiful and today was no exception. She stepped away from her victim that I only now realized was hanging by his wrists in the same fashion the boy in the groves had been when I was but a child.

There were no bindings holding him in some strange crucifixion pose. I felt sick at the sight of the various bleeding cuts and marks on his body. With his head lowered I was unable to see his face but judging from the low sounds he was making I knew he must be in incredible amounts of pain. A loincloth was the only thing covering him from prying eyes and I had the feeling had I not been standing in the room that would've been gone as well. His feet twisted as he rolled his wrists ever so slightly as though the invisible grip of the queen didn't hold him tightly in place. I could clearly make out the red marks lining the surprisingly delicate looking flesh. He must've been hanging there for a while and judging by the drying drops of blood against the angry looking swelling red marks this had to have taken place over a long period of time. Perhaps all during the previous night; the thought for some unknown reason made me sick for an even bigger reason than seeing the aftermath of torture.

I was vaguely aware that the Queen had access to powerful magicks. Of course most people were vaguely aware of her power and so were rightfully afraid of her. Having only seen it used myself once and being so young I hadn't quite believed what she was capable of until that moment. It was then that I realized just how far over my head I was in with this woman. I watched; horrified as she lifted her finger tracing a line that suddenly appeared like she'd taken a whip in place of the finger to the man's already wounded chest. He screamed as she moved back once again cocking her head as though studying her handiwork before she turned to look at me. Her dead eyes studied my horrified face before a smile broke out across it.

"Is it time for breakfast all ready?" She asked and I stared at her with wide eyes and trembling lips.

She stepped away from her victim leaving him there bleeding and whimpering in pain before she settled down on the familiar chaise lounge I had begun to think of as our special place.

"Why do you stare at what's not yours child?" She asked lifting the china cup to her lips and taking a small sip.

I immediately averted my eyes, trying to keep my tears at bay. How could I not cry for the poor man strung up like a pig for slaughter?

"You shouldn't cry over him. He's getting what he deserves after all." The Queen cut her eyes away from me to her victim and then back at me.

It was the first time in a long time that I just wanted to run from her. The urge was there, my feet would carry me I was sure but I was so afraid I was glued to the spot. Surely she would do the same to me if I were to run from her. I'd be hung up just like that only my feet wouldn't touch the floor. All my weight would be in my wrists. The thought scared me more than I'd ever admit back then but now I can associate it with times I've felt true terror like that and I know it's no laughing matter.

"Why are you looking at me like that? I thought I was your favorite person." The Queen gave a small mock pout and I whimpered unable to stop myself. I couldn't believe it; she was mocking me. She'd never outwardly been this cruel to me. What had I done to deserve it? Was it because of him?

I looked back at him and then back at the Queen. I forced myself to take a step towards her and when she made no move to stop me I clambered up into her lap. She set the tea cup down with barely a tap of the china and slipped her arms around me. She showed a shocking amount of kindness by leaning forward and pressing her lips to my forehead. I couldn't help myself as I leaned into her, seeking comfort from the one that distressed me so. But she was warm and soft just like always and I couldn't help myself as I nuzzled closer to her.

"You see Graham if you behaved as well as little Emma here you'd be getting a reward too but you don't." I could hear the Queen's frown and I whimpered again worried that I was going to be on the brunt end of her ire despite her gentleness towards me.

"Hush now," The Queen smiled and pressed another kiss to my forehead. "I won't hurt you Emma."

"Promise?" I managed to get out despite my trembles.

She only offered me a saccharine smile and cuddled me close resting her chin on the crown of my head. I didn't feel the least bit comforted by it. I heard another whimper followed by a soft growl. I cocked my head looking up at the Queen who was wearing an amused smirk on her pretty face. I was tempted to ask who had made the noise when it occurred to me. I had of course heard tale of the Queen's so called "wolf man". He was said to be as wild as the forests surrounding the castle and everyone knew what creatures lurked in the shadows of the tall trees beyond the castle's borders. I never thought at that time that I would get to meet him. Looking back on it I couldn't believe I had ever thought of you that way, Graham. I know you to be a kind and true friend but not at all unlike the wolf they compared you to, wild and protective.

I looked up at the Queen as she pulled away studying the man before me. She gently set me on the ground, giving me a third kiss. "Run along Emma."

I opened my mouth before I glanced over at the hurt man and then looked back at my Queen. She leaned forward, the taffeta of her gown making a soft swishing sound as she pressed another kiss to my cheek. I offered her a curtsy before I forced myself to run out the door. I was still after all quite frightened of what I'd just seen.

I hate the way I behaved back then towards you. Despite my fear, I was angry at you. You were receiving the Queen's attention in ways I wanted to even if it was bad attention. She was still showing an interest in you she hadn't taken in me. But my emotions have always been a tangled mess when it comes to my Queen. I was frightened of her power, I was angry at her for showing you attention even if it was negative, I was upset and hurt that I had been sent away as though I didn't matter. Even then I was a little fool. You always told me that. I was always such a fool when it came to her. Always seeing what wasn't there but you don't know her like I do Graham. You don't see how kind she is to me when she thinks no one is looking. She says I was made for her and truthfully I believe I am. Back then I would've agreed with that. In my mind I was always meant to be hers but as I grew, things became distorted, strained and I rebelled against her in ways I never imagined I was even capable of. Through it all my Queen remained as unshakable as ever and continued to quell my little rebellions as they cropped up.

Truthfully I don't know that I would've had the patience for it if our roles were reversed but I'm glad she did if not I don't know who I would be today. So much of me is wrapped up in her after all. If I'm honest all of who I am is because of her. All of me belongs solely, firmly to her.