When Tsukasa awoke the following morning, Tsubaki was sitting by his bed. She said nothing at first, just looking at him with over-bright eyes.
"Nee-chan," he greeted in a grumble. "When did you get here?"
"Only about an hour ago," she answered softly. "How are you?"
He turned away from her and shrugged. "Okay, I guess."
"Tsukasa, I'm so sorry…"
"Yeah…" he said, staring at the pitch black suit hanging on his closet door. "Me too."
She got up from her chair and embraced him, squeezing him tightly. He felt himself clutch at her like a child, but willed away the emotions bubbling within him. He couldn't afford to lose that numbness now. He needed to hold on to it for at least a few more days.
"Shouldn't you be getting ready?" he said finally, pulling away from her. "The wake is starting in a couple hours. I told the Makinos I'd be there early to help out."
Tsubaki nodded and turned to leave. She was nearly out the door when she paused.
"Nee-chan?"
She looked back at him with an expressionless face. "You've really grown up these past two years, Tsukasa. But I think you've grown up too much in the past two days…"
As the door shut behind her with a click, Tsukasa contemplated the suit again. Tsukushi once told him that, before they met, her school uniform felt like it weighed 18 kilos, each article of clothing heavier than the next. How much would this suit weigh? He put the crisp white shirt on, and tucked it into his pants, the color of midnight. The matching tie suffocated him, but loosening it did nothing to ease the pressure on his throat. Pulling the jacket on, he looked at himself in the mirror.
He didn't really recognize the man in his reflection. It looked like him, but his face was dark and drawn, his shoulders sagged ever so slightly forward, and the fight was completely gone from his eyes. That last part surprised him a little. In the past, he always turned to violence as a release when he was sad or angry or frustrated. If he allowed himself to feel, he would be all those things. But he didn't want to fight. He didn't want to do anything anymore.
They arrived at the wake early to help set up and greet guests. He was constantly aware of the casket lying open in the main room of the funeral home but refused to look at it. People flooded in. The rest of F4 was there, of course. Soujirou and Akira helped to usher guests into the adjoining room that held the food and drinks. Rui looked standoffish and uncomfortable. Distant relatives of the Makinos arrived, as well as Yuuki and her family, a teary-eyed Shigeru, and Sakurako, clad in a black kimono. That nouveau riche kid… Kazuya, was it? …was there as well. He was holding a small bouquet of white lilies, which he laid by the altar. Tsukasa recognized so many of the guests as people he met briefly about a year ago. That son of the politician, the fake cousin, the artist from the fishing village, Tsukushi's friends from middle school. The familiar faces brought rushes of memories to Tsukasa's mind, and he fought hard to push them away.
The ceremony started, and he sat beside Tsubaki in the second row behind the Makinos. And that's when he saw her, the first time since leaving her after prom nearly a year ago. Tsukushi lay in the casket, dressed in a white kimono. There were scratches and bruises from the car crash on her face, ill-concealed under a thin layer of makeup. She looked fake, like a wax doll made to look exactly like Tsukushi. How could she be real? How could any of this be real? He gripped his sister's hand tightly, and she gave his hand a gentle squeeze back.
The Buddhist priest in front of the altar had been chanting sutras, but now beckoned for the family and guests to come forward. They each stepped forward in a line, stopping at Tsukushi's casket at the altar and offering incense in turn. Tsukasa's throat constricted as he approached the altar. He bowed, the smoke of the incense burning his eyes. "Please come back," he breathed.
But, of course, Tsukushi was never very good at doing what he asked.
The funeral the following day was more of the same, and Tsukasa wondered how much more of this he could take. His black suit felt even heavier than the day before. Fewer people were there this time, leaving only close friends and relatives. With more chanted sutras and stinging incense, the ceremony went by in a blur. He just wanted it to be over.
The family members and friends finally gathered as the casket was opened for the last time. They each stepped forward with flowers in hand, lining the inside of the casket with them. Tsukasa hung back until the end, and placed two red roses over her heart. He took one last glimpse of Tsukushi, her eyes closed and cheeks pale. The image seared itself upon his memory. He bent and placed a light kiss upon her forehead. "I love you," he whispered, tears coming to his eyes. "Wait for me." Men approached to seal her casket, and Tsukasa turned away. Tsubaki put an arm around his shoulders, dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief.
When the ceremony finally came to a close, Mr. Makino approached him. "We're following the hearse to the crematorium. Would you like to come with us?"
Tsukasa immediately shook his head, repulsed by the idea. "No, I wouldn't."
"I understand. We'll give you a call, then, when we've collected the ashes, so we can meet at the gravesite."
Tsukasa nodded.
"Oh," Mr. Makino said, reaching into his pocket. "I almost forgot." He took his hand out of his pocket and held it out to Tsukasa.
"What is it?"
"Just take it."
Tsukasa held out his hand and Tsukushi's father deposited something small into it. Tsukasa looked down at it. The Saturn necklace.
"You gave that to her, right?" Mr. Makino put a hand on Tsukasa's shoulder. "Tsukushi had it in her hand when she died. I think it must have given her some comfort, when the accident happened."
Tsukasa didn't answer, still staring at the necklace.
"Thank you, Doumyouji-san," the older man said in a choked voice. "You made my daughter very happy."
Mr. Makino began to walk away.
Tsukasa looked up. "Makino-san!"
Tsukushi's father turned to look at him.
"I think you should know… Tsukushi made me happy too."
Mr. Makino smiled and nodded. "I know."
