CHAPTER 3


The sound of the clock tower chiming was the first thing Laila heard the next morning, and she let out a groan as she buried her head in her pillow. As much as she enjoyed her Sun-days spent at the Historical Hospital, the early mornings were something she doubted she'd ever get used to. It took her until the seventh and final chime for her to finally accept she had to part with her bed, flinging back the hangings and standing up before almost tripping over her own feet in her half-asleep haze.

She was dressed and halfway through the process of tying her hair back when she heard Elizabeth's voice shouting from downstairs. "Laila! Are you almost ready?"

"Almost!" she yelled back, hoping she wouldn't come up the stairs just yet.

"Good, I'm just coming up!"

Laila cursed in Victorian under her breath as she wrestled her hair into a braid as fast as she could, then practically dived across the room towards her trunk just as the door latch lifted and Elizabeth let herself in. "Where's your woolly hat!" she shrieked, very predictably.

"I've almost got it," Laila muttered, before letting out a triumphant "Aha!" as she emerged with a grey knitted hat in hand. She hurriedly pulled it over her hair as she stood and let the lid of her trunk fall closed.

Elizabeth regarded her shrewdly for a moment. "Do you have everything you'll need for the next week?" she asked, letting the subject fall, and Laila nodded. "Then I hope you enjoy your time with Charles. If there's anything you think needs my attention then send a messenger into TudorTown and Pygmy will make sure it reaches me. If necessary I can leave the meeting and make it back into MonarchsVille within a day and-"

"Lizzie," Laila interrupted, taking her adopted mother's hands to stop her before she could continue any longer. Elizabeth always worried excessively if she had to leave Laila in anyone else's care, convinced that Charles and Boudicca would be a bad influence without her there to keep them in check. "I'll be fine, really. I've stayed with Charlie loads of times before and we've never had a problem."

Elizabeth gave a pointed huff before appearing to relent a little. "Very well. Then I'll bid you adieu."

"I hope the meeting goes well." A glance at her wristclock told Laila she was running out of time, so she surged forward to hug her briefly. "I've got to go, see you next week."

Elizabeth stayed where she was as Laila dashed out of the room, rolling her eyes as she heard the front door slam. Before she went back to packing her own things she glanced around the room, smiling involuntarily at how much of her adopted daughter's personality shone out of the room she called her own. Even though Elizabeth's principles as a Tudor Monarch meant she disapproved of the sword leaning against the wall, and few pairs of trousers in the wardrobe, her love for the child she never thought she'd have meant she could just about overlook the few outside influences she'd picked up on over the years.


"Morning Laila," the Head Nurse greeted her, not stopping as she hurried up the corridor. "You're needed in the Arrivals Bay."

Laila had no time to respond before she'd disappeared through the double doors. After pocketing her woolly hat and adjusting her name badge she made her own way down the corridor, finding the door marked 'New Arrivals' and letting herself in.

"Ah, Sir Laila, there you are!" called a high-pitched voice, and Laila looked over to see Dr Montague-Fuzzlepeck beckoning from the nearest bed. "You may assist me today. Come come!"

The patient was a familiar one to her; clearly John Joseph Merlin was still struggling to perfect his rollerskates. "Hello Laila," he said sheepishly, holding a bloodied tissue to his nose.

"Hello Mr Merlin," she said, taking off his wig to get a better look at the bruise forming on his forehead. "Another rollerskating accident I see?"

John Joseph hesitated a moment before nodding his head with a slight wince. "Well, yes. But they're so easy! You just strap them to your existing shoe or bot or shoe! Trust me, before you know it all of GeorgianTown will be using my rollerskates to get around!"

Laila sighed, knowing nothing she could say would convince him otherwise. "Then I imagine I'll have all of GeorgianTown queueing up for concussion treatment then," she said, not unkindly, before looking around in surprise. "Where did the Doctor go?"

No sooner had she spoken did the smell of wig powder waft back into the air, seconds before Dr Montague-Fuzzlepeck reappeared. "I just went off to refill the jar," he said in response to her unasked question, brandishing a glass jar of yellow liquid. "This man clearly has a tumour, requiring some ground woodlice, sugar, nutmeg, and-" he swirled the contents of the jar, "-fresh urine!"

Laila grimaced. Catching sight of John Joseph's alarmed expression, her mind raced to come up with a reason to give the Doctor something else to do. "I think I can handle this one actually Doctor. I was told earlier that George the Third's been readmitted in the room next door, why don't you go and see to him? I'm sure he'd prefer a Georgian Doctor to treat him."

"What a good idea!" the Doctor cried. Laila tried not to look too obviously relieved until the doors had swung shut behind him.

"Thank you," John Joseph said gratefully.

Laila hummed in acknowledgement as she resumed her work, gently wrapping a bandage around his head and prying the tissue away from his nose to check the bruising. "Your nosebleed has stopped which is a good sign, but you're going to have a nasty black eye," she said, handing him an ice pack before helping him to lie down slowly. "Keep the ice pack there and I'll be back in ten minutes with some pain relief."

With her first patient stable for the moment, Laila glanced around the busy ward for where she might be needed next. A waving hand caught her attention from the row of chairs opposite, where the Egyptian Doctor was slowly making his way round the patients.

After a last glance to make sure John Joseph was resting, she drew the curtains around his bed and headed over with a cheery "Morning Dr Isis!"

"Good morning Laila, I could do with an assistant over here if you're not busy," Dr Isis said, motioning to the patients he had yet to see.

"I could do with being treated rather than left sat here bleeding if you don't mind!" snapped a patient.

Laila glanced behind her to see Stephen I with a makeshift cloth bandage wrapped tightly around one hand. "Let me have a look then," she said, unwrapping the cloth to reveal a deep cut slicing across his palm. "I'm assuming this is a sword-related incident, how did it happen?"

A look of embarrassment crossed Stephen's face. "I was arguing with Matilda, and I was attempting to show off my power and fighting skills. It, err, didn't quite go to plan." Laila raised her eyes but didn't respond; the feud between Stephen and Matilda had gone on for as long as anyone could remember and showed no signs of ever ending.

"I'd be tempted to rub a little honey into that, and perhaps some myrtle leaves for the pain?" suggested Dr Isis from where he was looking over Laila's shoulder.

Stephen looked questioningly at first Laila, then the doctor. "Are you quite sure? I've never heard of those treatments before."

"That's because you're a Medieval City Monarch, these cures are all well known in the Egyptian Village." Dr Isis scoffed disapprovingly.

Laila nodded. "The Egyptian Doctors are some of the best in Skinnymandria," she said, though Stephen still looked far from convinced. While it was true that Dr Isis was fantastic with minor wounds and injuries, some of his other cures weren't quite to the same standard.

While Dr Isis saw to Stephen's hand, Laila turned her attention to the woman in the next bed who hadn't been seen to yet. "Well, it doesn't take a lot to guess what happened here!" Laila said with a slight sigh as she took in the scratches on her face and neck. Elagabalus always liked baiting Georgian and Victorian woman with his lion because they apparently had the best reactions, and it seemed that this was his latest victim.

"That's what I said earlier, we had Mrs Tumbleby-Pumblechook in here yesterday for the exact same reason!" called Dr Isis from somewhere behind her.

"Actually, I haven't come from one of Elagabalus' dinner parties," the patient interrupted, causing Laila to look back at her in surprise. "The name's Hannah Twynnoy, I'm a barmaid in GeorgianTown. There's a travelling fayre that borrowed some animals from the Victorian City zoo, and I thought it'd be fun to prod the tiger with a stick and see what its reaction would be."

Laila was speechless for a moment; she would have assumed Elagabalus's legendary lion would have put people off poking wild animals for life but it clearly hadn't. "Then I think you've had a lucky escape Miss Twynnoy," she said, taking the jar of honey from Dr Isis and gently smearing it over the injured side of her face.

Before she had a chance to see anyone else, the sound of the doors banging open made everyone jump and look over to see Dr Gaila and Mr Tonsillitis, the Roman doctor and dentist, rushing into the room and towards a curtained-off bed at the end of the ward. Overcome with curiosity, Laila followed more slowly and peered round the curtain to see Dominic Duckworth sat on the bed with a split lip and swollen jaw. The HHTV Investigator was always getting into scrapes and it seemed today was no exception.

Mr Tonsillitus greeted her with a brief "Hail Laila," before pulling a chair up to sit in front of Dom. "Open wide then Mr Duckworth!"

"I tell you, those monks in the Skinnymandrian Abbey can be dodgy and violent sometimes," he groaned before opening his mouth to reveal what looked like several bloodied teeth.

Laila grimaced and left them to it. In the next bed she saw One-Eyed Ned pulling cactus spikes out of a Victorian gentleman's face, followed by another Georgian patient. The ward seemed to be full of them today, she reflected, taking in his pink cheeks and damp brow. She recognised the patient as Beau Brummel, George IV's closest friend, but the Stuart doctor was looking very confused indeed.

"Morning Dr Culpepper, can I help at all?" Laila asked to catch his attention.

The Doctor gave a chesty cough before he spoke, making Laila wonder whether she should be treating him too. "Ah yes, thank you. Mr Mohamed took Mr Brummel to AztecTown for a meal and it appears he hasn't coped with their spicy food very well. I've sent for an AztecTown doctor, I'm completely clueless."

Laila nodded, figuring that was probably the best course of action. "I'm surprised George isn't here too, he's usually found wherever the food is," she commented.

"He was invited but he's still got-" Beau's strained voice trailed off as he started coughing, his already flushed face going even redder as he struggled to catch his breath. Laila hurriedly passed him a glass of water and helped him drink until he was able to speak again. "George has a broken tooth, couldn't come."

Laila was immediately taken back to the previous day's dinner party. "Of course, I was there when it happened. I told him that tooth was broken but Charlie had to practically drag him to the Historical Dentist. Well at least he saved himself from this."

She was interrupted by another coughing fit from Dr Culpepper, wracking his frame so violently he was forced to brace himself on the end of the bed for support. Laila was about to hurry over to him when Dr Hippocrates beat her to it, grabbed the Dr Culpepper's shoulders, and started shaking him up and down.

"Don't worry Laila, this is perfectly safe!" Dr Hippocrates attempted to reassure her, but the worsening coughs coming from Dr Culpepper didn't have her convinced. Dr Hippocrates pressed his ear to Dr Culpepper's chest and listened for a second before shaking his head. "I can't hear any splashing, meaning you don't have lung disease."

"Of course I don't, I smoke tobacco to keep myself healthy!" Dr Culpepper retorted, straightening out his waistcoat and glaring at Dr Hippocrates.

Beau was struggling to breathe again, so Laila blocked out the two doctors' argument as she helped him take a slow sip of water. "Let's get your jacket off, it might help you cool down a little," she suggested, taking off his jacket and undoing the top couple of buttons on his shirt. A brief trip to the nearest sink later and she had a cool damp cloth, feeling his forehead with the back of her hand before gently wiping his brow. "This should keep you comfortable until the Aztec doctor arrives," she assured him.

"Be careful with my jacket!" he practically squeaked, one hand on his throat.

Laila supressed a small smile, of course that would be Beau's priority. The doctors' shouting suddenly got louder, but when Laila turned to sort out their argument she was surprised to find they'd both fallen quiet. Everyone in the ward seemed to be looking towards the curtained off bed next to John Joseph Merlin; even he was looking round his curtain with a curious expression and the icepack still pressed to his forehead, reminding Laila she needed to get him some pain medication once she'd sorted out this argument.

The voice of the Dr Ushma, Arabian Healer, became clear as Laila pulled back the curtain to see the two doctors playing tug of war with a rusty saw. "Don't worry Dr Nutberg, I have everything under control here. I have already given the patient a herbal remedy which should calm his allergic reaction in no time."

"You primitive fool!" snarled Dr Nutberg, one of the Crusader doctors from the Medieval City. "What he needs is for me to cut open the top of his head and drain away the evil causing his condition!"

Neither doctor seemed to have noticed Laila yet, so she crept round them to take a look at the patient herself. It was Bob Hale, the much-loved HHTV reporter, and it didn't take much to work out why he'd been admitted. Judging by the crumbs of cheese pressed into his jacket, he'd clearly forgotten he was allergic to feta cheese and given himself the eighth allergic reaction in the last year. Laila sighed, reminding herself to wipe clean the 'number of days since Bob Hale ate feta cheese' tally marks in the staff room when she was on her lunch break.

Bob let out a sudden sneeze, which Laila took as a good sign. "I think he's recovering, Dr Nutberg," she pointed out, interrupting the ongoing fight.

"Aha!" Dr Ushma crowed triumphantly. "In that case, Dr Nutberg, you can take your Crusader medicine somewhere else and I'll be taking this!" He pulled the saw harder and took

Dr Nutberg was clearly taken by surprise, the movement sending him staggering into an unhelpfully placed pillar. He let out a pained groan when the back of his head collided with stone, cradling his head in his hands as he muttered "I feel a little lightheaded."

"Well in that case, let me give you a taste of your own medicine. Literally!" cried Dr Ushma, brandishing the saw and taking a step towards him.

As much as she disliked Dr Nutberg, Laila stepped in between the Arabian Healer and the cowering Crusader Doctor. "I think a checkup and an ice pack would do just fine, Dr Ushma," she said, looking up at him pleadingly. From the corner of her eye she saw Bob trying to sit up so added "I can look after Mr Hale while you get Dr Nutberg seen to."

Dr Ushma looked at her for a moment before relenting, placing a steadying hand on Dr Nutberg's elbow as they left the curtain.

With that problem dealt with, Laila moved back to Bob's bedside and helped him sit up against the back of the bed. "Oh hello Laila," he said, sounding somewhat confused. "What are you doing in my bedroom- oh. Oh, it's happened again, hasn't it? I really need to start remembering I'm allergic to feta cheese."

"I think that would be a good idea, Mr Hale," Laila said with an exasperated shake of her head, passing him a glass of water.

"I reckon everyone's getting feta-up with me!" he joked. As Laila burst out laughing he looked very pleased with himself, adding "Little joke there, nice one Bobsy!"


After a long eight hours on the ward, Laila was surprised to see Charles and Boudicca both sat in the hospital waiting room. Suddenly alarmed she rushed over, but relaxed a little when Charles stood up and smiled upon noticing her.

"Don't worry, nothing's happened! We just thought we'd come and pick you up, that's all!" he said, eyes wide with mirth as he tried not to laugh.

Boudicca didn't even bother trying, laughing loudly as she clapped Laila on the shoulder. "Seems we got you good, eh?"

Laila gave an exaggerated sigh, walking between them as they left the hospital. "I thought one of you had hurt yourself or something!"

Charles shook his head. "Nope, I've never been better. How was your day?"

"Hectic," she said, though in reality all her days there could be described as hectic. "Nothing out of the ordinary though, I think I had most of the regulars in actually. John Joseph Merlin's had another rollerskating accident, Dom Duckworth's been injured on another investigation, Bob Hale forgot his allergies again, and I had yet another Georgian woman in for poisoning symptoms caused by her make-up."

Boudicca gave an exasperated shake of her head at the last comment. "And that's why I can't be doing with the stuff. Egyptian eyeliner, Georgian face powder, none of it's good for you."

Pointing at his own forehead where Boudicca's tribal designs were drawn on in blue ink, Charles asked "What about that?"

"It's made of plants, perfectly safe," she retorted with a triumphant grin.

Charles held up his hands in surrender. "Fair enough, fair enough."

"I'm just glad I won't be there tomorrow," Laila pressed on, interrupting their teasing. "It's Artois Day, if it's anything like usual then the ward will be packed with injuries."

"I assume you'll be staying inside all day then?" Charles asked.

Laila gave a firm nod. Boudicca muttered something darkly under her breath; she'd never forgiven him for nearly drowning Laila over a decade ago.

Clearly attempting to brighten up the conversation, Charles continued with "Shall we go up the hill and watch the sunset? We should have enough time to get there, my astronomer said it'd be a beautifully clear night tonight."

"Let's do it then, it'll be a nice calm end to the day I've had!" Laila laughed.

Boudicca nodded keenly. "The hill's on the way to my house anyway, I can leave you there and get home before it's completely dark."

With their plan decided they changed direction and turned towards the outskirts of the forest, a well-known shortcut round the back of MonarchsVille that would get them there faster. Suddenly Laila screamed in alarm as the ground fell away from under her feet, limbs flailing frantically as they all fell into a deep pit.

Boudicca recovered first, already back on her feet while Laila struggled to stand from where she'd landed on top of Charles. "Who was responsible for this?" she roared as she drew an arrow in her bow, looking every inch the fierce Celtic warrior.

There was no answer for a moment. Then somewhere in the distance they heard a faint "You've been Artois'd!"

"Must've been setting up his pranks for tomorrow and we fell right in," Charles muttered as Laila helped him to his feet, dusting off his tunic.

Boudicca let out a growl of frustration as she loosed her arrow. It sailed through the air and out of sight over the edge of the pit, and then they all winced as they heard a shriek of pain.

After a few moment's shocked silence, Charles broke the quiet first. "I think you just shot him."

"Boost me up and I'll have a look," Laila said, but in reality she already knew the answer. Boudicca held her steady as she climbed onto Charles' shoulders, immediately spotting Robert Artois flailing around trying to reach the arrow sticking out of his shoulder. "It's a yes," she called down, to which both Boudicca and Charles groaned.

Laila moved over as Boudicca climbed out of the pit next, then they both held down their hands to pull Charles up beside them. "You're going to have to file an incident report with Hephaestion," he said, giving Boudicca a look.

Boudicca threw up her hands in despair. "Why! He's not dead, it's no worse than what he did to us!"

"I'm only glad Lizzie's in TudorTown for the next week," Laila said, "because if she finds out about this she'll have his head off, incident report or not!"


So I've returned. I can't promise the rest of these chapters will be posted now/soon, but writing this chapter has proved that I still love this story after all the years I left it on the shelf. It's been nearly 5 years since I first coined the idea of Laila's Skinnymandria so I have altered the plot a little, and even the chapters I rewrote two years ago here have been edited slightly. But all that really means is that they're now better than ever before.