AN: Thanks to the two very warm and fuzzy comments I got on this (and my own curiosity in the story line) I decided to write another chapter to this bad boy. Please comment if you're enjoying it and I'll try to keep it going. If everything ends up how I see it happening in my mind, the story will be about seven chapters total when I'm done. There will be some racy parts coming (if you've read my one shots, you know I love to write that!). Also, I just kind of wrote this, gave it the once over and threw it up here. If there are huge glaring typos I apologize. I will edit it more tomorrow but I really wanted to get it up tonight.
Disclaimer: I have no rights to these characters.
Chapter 3 – Goodbye, Part 1
The sun on my skin feels incredible. It didn't strike me until I stepped off the plane this morning in Jacksonville that this may be my last chance to openly walk down the beach with the noonday sun overhead, heat radiating off of my body. I won't forget the feeling of closing my eyes and turning my face towards the sun, the light breeze cooling the sweat that prickles up on my skin. I'll be able to be in the sun in private in my new life but I can't imagine it will feel like this.
"It feels good out here, doesn't it?" Renee asked, walking through the back porch onto the patio of the new home she shared with her husband Phil. Phil's pay raise was a welcome surprise to them both as he worked his way up in minor league baseball. He had made a name for himself in those circles and Renee was convinced he'd be playing for the Boston Red Sox soon. Phil had shrugged that off but I knew secretly he hoped she was right.
"Mmm," I nodded as she sat in the lounge chair next to me. I closed my journal and turned to face her, readying myself for the onslaught of questions what would inevitably rain down upon me.
"How's Dartmouth? How's Edward? What's your place like? Tell me all about your friends and your professors. What's the gossip?" she gushed and I couldn't help but smile. I would likely get through two answers at best before she jumped in with a story of her own and took control of the conversation. It wasn't that she didn't care about the answers to her questions but that her overactive mind could never sit still long enough to get to them all.
"Dartmouth is great mom and Edward is fantastic as always." She squealed with delight.
"Tell me everything about him!" she squeaked with a wide grin.
"Mom, you know everything about him," I said with a smirk. We talked nearly every other day; there couldn't possibly be anything more she needed to know.
"I know, but what is your life like together? What do you do for fun? Have you talked about having kids? Phil and I talked about it and I don't think we're going to. I already have you, what more could I ask for? Besides, Phil had a vasectomy during his first marriage so I don't really see the point of trying to reverse it especially since I'm not exactly a spring chicken anymore and who knows if a pregnancy would even take now, you know? But grandchildren, now that would be fun!" She smiled warmly at me and I felt my stomach turn ever so slightly. This was the first time she'd brought it up and it hurt me to know that she would never have grandchildren by me. In two and a half weeks I'd be dead. "And just think of the gorgeous children you would have with Edward. Oh my word," she clicked her tongue and shook her head. "I can't even imagine how beautiful they would be. His flawless features and your amazingly soulful eyes. The child would likely be born as a 35 year old like the two of you!" I forced a smile and looked away over the back porch and to the small beach behind her house. I swallowed hard to suppress the knot in my stomach that was swelling by the second. This week would be harder than I ever could have imagined.
"No, we haven't really thought about it much. We're both so young, you know," I said, watching the waves crash along the shore in the distance. I couldn't stand to look at her as I lied bold-faced. He couldn't have children and soon I couldn't either and that was that. I heard her sigh beside me.
"You're much smarter than I was at your age, that's for sure. Of course I can't complain, I ended up with the best daughter on the planet," she paused for a moment and I looked back towards her. Her eyes were welled up with tears as she looked at me. My heart clenched. So much harder than I could have ever imagined. "You have no idea how proud of you I am." A silent tear rolled down her cheek and she shook her head, wiping it quickly away. "This week isn't about me getting emotional, it's about having fun with my daughter!"
For a split second I had the urge to tell Renee everything. The real reason I ended up in a hospital in Phoenix two years ago, why Edward stayed indoors all the time when we visited her and Phil, the real reason Edward and I would never have children, an explanation as to why I would soon turn up dead in a car accident. But I couldn't. The words were rightfully trapped deep inside of me. I wouldn't risk the future of my new family for anything.
Instead I stared at Renee unblinking for longer than was necessary. I studied her face, memorizing every deepening wrinkle, every wisp of mousy brown hair, the twinkle in her eye as she smiled at me and the immense feeling of calm and home I felt as I sat beside her. I swallowed hard again and cleared my throat, turning my face forward. I wished Edward had come, somehow I imagined this would be easier if he were beside me.
"I would have loved to see Edward," Renee said softly, half correctly interpreting my far away look. I nodded and smiled weakly, turning back towards her.
"He would have loved to have come but he had to head back to Forks early," I said, stopping short of coming up with a false reason behind his not coming with me. There were enough lies, I decided. I would just skip the opportunity for another one.
"Someday soon I'll have to come back up and see Carlisle and Esme and the family again. And Jasper," she said with a far away look. Renee had developed a crush on Jasper which was really his own doing as he'd used his ability to calm a room a little too pointedly on her leaving her dazed as she stared at him almost drunk with serenity. Being a person who was always going a million different directions, the feeling must have been especially welcome.
"I know they would really like that," I said with a smile, knowing full well that they would see each other much sooner than she thought. An image of her crying into Jasper's shoulder as she stood over my coffin nearly forced tears out of my eyes but I shook my head and stood up abruptly. Renee's head snapped up too look at me, her hand coming up to shield the sun from her eyes. "I need to call Edward," I explained, hurrying toward the sliding glass door.
The air conditioning hit me as I rushed to the back of the house, eager to get to my phone. Edward was in Forks, that hadn't been a lie but his reason for being there was a lie by omission. He was working with Carlisle and the family, trying to come up with the least painful method for my transformation and tying up any loose ends.
As soon as I got to the guest room ("your room" Renee would have corrected) I shut the door and leaned against it, tears rolling down my cheeks. This was so very much harder than I ever could have anticipated. I stood there for a second, my body shaking lightly as the tears continued to come. My cell phone rang from across the room so I peeled my back off the door and walked across to get it. The caller ID flashed with Edward's name so I flicked it open.
"Hey baby," I said, trying to disguise the pain in my voice. He would know I'd been crying of course, he always knew. "I was just about to call you." I sniffled and wiped my sleeve under my eyes.
"Alice told me. Are you OK, love?" he asked, concern melting with every word that left his mouth. I nodded slowly before my mouth caught up with the movement.
"I'm fine. It's just – harder than I thought it would be. I'll be fine though," I sniffled again and sat on the edge of my bed. "Renee misses you and so do I of course. I wish you had come."
He sighed heavily and I knew he would be running his fingers through his hair. "I know, I miss you too, love, but this time with Renee is good for you. And Carlisle and I are making good progress here. We've come up with something that may help the pain even more than the morphine would but, well, I don't really know how you'll feel about it. I'm not even sure how I feel about it yet."
I flopped onto my back on the mattress. Somehow the familiarity of the conversation, as morbid as it was, was calming my nerves. I think it was Edward's smooth velvety voice more than anything else. "Hit me," I said, a small smile in my voice.
"It's not exactly legal," he hedged, "but it is kind of ironic."
"If you say human blood, so help me God Edward Cullen." He laughed into the phone and giggled with him.
"No, nothing quite that morbid. Not yet anyway," he paused and took a breath. "Have you ever heard of diacetylmorphine?" I wracked my brain, trying to remember why that sounded familiar. Maybe I'd seen it in one of Edward's open pre-med textbooks lying around the apartment. I couldn't place it. "You'd know it by its more common name. Heroin." I was silent for a moment. Did my husband just ask me to do heroin? "I know it's an alarming thought but it would diminish the pain to next to nothing and may make the three days actually somewhat enjoyable. Of course we're not exactly sure the exact effect it may have but then we're not sure about a lot of things pertaining to your transformation." He paused, waiting for a reaction but I still didn't quite know what to say. "I promised I would make this as painless as possible for you and this may be our best shot."
I knew he was coming from the right place with this idea and that undoubtedly he and Carlisle had debated the point to the brink of exhaustion but I couldn't wrap my head around it. "I don't think I want to go out of this world as a heroin junky. I'm a pretty tough cookie; I think the morphine will do just fine. Whatever you think though of course," I threw in for good measure, knowing full well that the idea would be dropped now since I hadn't had the reaction he needed in order to proceed. "You always said I was your favorite brand of heroin and now you want me to find my own," I said with a smile, shaking my head.
"Ironic, huh?" he asked with a laugh. "Listen, we have a lot of work to do here still. Go back downstairs and visit Renee, you know how she misses you."
"I know. She asked me if we were planning to have children." I hadn't planned on telling him, but I had to, it had been the most heart-wrenching conversation I'd ever had. His end of the phone was completely silent to the point I started to get uncomfortable, certain that I'd upset him. "I told her though, you know, that we're young. And we're enjoying being married. So…she let it go. Said she was proud of us for being smart," I stammered, wishing I could put the words back in my mouth.
He still didn't say anything and the line was so quiet I had to ask if he was still there. When he answered his voice was barely above a whisper and I had to strain to hear him. "I'm here. It's just – that – I don't know how to…even if you didn't…I couldn't…and – if it's something you want you should – you know…you should maybe think about that a little bit more before – well, you know…" His voice sounded horribly strained, riddled with remorse and regret.
"Hey, that's not what I meant," I said softly, sitting back up on my bed and shifting the phone. "You know I've come to peace with that long ago. I want you; you're more than everything I need. It was just the hardest conversation I've ever had, kind of came out of left field you know? I shouldn't have told you, it was just jarring."
"I just wish more than anything that I had the ability to give you…that…" he said just as meekly as before.
"Even if you could I still wouldn't want to have a kid right now so the point is moot," I was desperate to alleviate the tension and lighten his spirits. He was eerily quiet even for him. "Edward you have to snap out of it, babe. I'm fine, I don't want a child. If I did I would tell you and I don't. We've discussed this at length and it doesn't have any bearing on my decision. You would be the only person I would ever want to mother a child with and since that's not an option, it's silly to even talk about it." He was still silent and I could only imagine the mental flogging he was giving himself. "Think of it this way: let's say we were a normal boring run-of-the-mill young married couple trying to have a kid. Let's say we tried and tried and it didn't work and then we found out my ovaries weren't working and I wasn't capable of having children, would you run out and knock up some woman to fulfill that desire? No. You would carry on loving me just the same and we would make our life together, just the two of us."
"I know. I just…"
"Edward, I know my heart and it's fine. We're both well aware by this point that life would be a lot easier if we were on equal footing and that's what we're focused on now. We're focused on making me equal with you so we can live our lives together fully. I love you and that's all there is for me." He sighed softly into the phone. "I wish I could kiss you right now and prove it to you, prove my love for you. Show you."
"It sounds like you're ramping up to phone sex," he chided gently, his express grief not lifting completely but being shoved aside for the time being. He would never get over the fact that he couldn't give me children and I had to accept that I could never make him understand my position.
"If that would make you see reason, I'd be more than happy to give it a whirl," I said with a grin, thankful that the tension had dissipated at least for the moment. I had a feeling that the next two and half weeks would be riddled with those types of conversations.
He groaned softly into the phone and I couldn't help but smirk. Even vampire men were easily distracted by sex. "Call me back after Renee goes to sleep," he said throatily.
"Anything that turns you on like that is worth a shot," I whispered into the phone. "Listen I need to get going. I'll call you back tonight. Promise."
"Come to Forks now," he growled. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Sit tight for four more days and I'm there. Love you."
"Love you too. Call me later."
"Will do. Goodbye, love," I said, a small smile playing lazily on my lips as I shut the phone. Even clear across the country he still had the ability to dazzle me.
---
The next four days flew by with Renee parading me around Jacksonville, introducing me to all of her new friends, all of Phil's teammates and everyone we ran into. It was sweet of course but far more than I was comfortable with. I hated people making a fuss over me and that's exactly what every single group did. They wanted to hear about Edward, every boring detail of our ridiculously mundane fake life that I had to create and recreate every time someone asked (the reality would have been more than they could handle). Thankfully I had photos of him on my cell phone and that was usually enough to distract the women long enough to change the subject. The men weren't as easy to shake off although their interest was focused on Edward's car collection rather than my relationship. Luckily I also had a picture of the Aston Martin on my phone, which had the same effect on men as Edward's photo did on women.
I woke up early my last morning in Jacksonville and laid in bed staring at the ceiling for a while, my hands folded behind my head, my mind going a million miles an hour. I knew the phone would ring soon; Edward would have Alice check on when I woke up. Until then, my mind wandered. I thought about Renee and Phil, how great they were together and how happy I was for Renee to have found someone like Phil. She clicked with him in a way that I doubted she ever did with Charlie. Charlie and Phil were different people; Phil was definitely more her equal. Renee had left her former life with Charlie in search of someone more her equal. I was leaving my former life with the desire to make myself Edward's equal. Somehow the comparison comforted me. Everything had worked out correctly for Renee. She was whole, she had someone that could balance her out or egg her on depending on the mood, and she did the same for him.
It didn't change the tightening that had started four days ago in the pit of my stomach. Today I would board a plane to Seattle and I would say my final goodbye to Renee. I would be able to see her again but I could never talk to her, we could never be the same. The feeling of overwhelming depression at the though weighed heavily and tears snuck out the sides of my eyes, rolling down my face and onto the pillow behind my head. I was reassured knowing that Phil could take care of Renee for me now; she didn't depend on me like she once had. I knew I wouldn't be able to go through with this if that wasn't the case. If I'd met Edward five years ago I doubt I would have even let myself go enough to be with him let alone make a life-ending decision to stay with him for eternity.
I could hear Renee open her bedroom door, the bottom of her robe brushed against my door as she leaned her head against the wood to hear if I was awake or not. I kept perfectly still, not wanting her to walk in and see me with tears rolling down my cheeks. She moved down the hallway and I could faintly hear here banging around in the kitchen, making more noise than was necessary in an obvious attempt to get me up to hang out with her. I smiled slightly and the phone rang beside me.
"Good morning, love," I breathed, not bothering to look at the caller ID.
"How are you?" he asked, his satin voice ringing through the phone. I smiled wide, drinking in the sound of his voice and my tears subsided. I would miss Renee but what I was giving up seemed like a small sacrifice compared to what I would receive.
"I love you so much." The words crushed their way out of my mouth and I could hear him chuckle on the other end of the line.
"I love you too," he said with a smile. "I can't wait to see you tonight. Charlie has to work late so I'll meet you at the airport and drive you to his house but then I will disappear for a couple of days and stay out of your way so you can spend some quality time with him. He misses you terribly, Bella, and he's thrilled you're coming home." My heart lurched, a fresh pain replacing the serene place I'd made for my acceptance of losing Renee and Phil.
"I want you to stay with me the whole time. This week has been tougher than I thought it would be. I'm exhausted and I miss you." My cheeks burned as my words caught in my throat.
"I miss you too but I still have a lot of work to do. I'll come and stay with you every night like when we were in school, although this time Charlie will be aware of it since we're married and live together. He can't really forbid me to stay with you."
"Trust me, he'll try to find a way," I said with a laugh and sat up, stretching my arms above my head, I pushed the covers back and swung my feet around, placing them on the floor. "I should probably get ready and head downstairs, Renee has been up for twenty minutes so I'm sure she'll be banging on my door any second."
"How are you feeling today? About everything…" he trailed off but I knew what he was getting at and I smiled, my heart filling up and all I could feel was love and peace.
"Happy." He was silent for a beat, trying to interpret my response. "Not the response you were looking for?" I teased.
"I was expecting apprehensive or hesitant. Not happy." He was silent again, and I heard a door swing open and close on his end. The only person in that household that made noise when they moved was Emmett. It didn't come naturally of course; he just chose to make as much noise as possible. I knew our conversation would be coming to an abrupt halt any second.
"I'm very at peace this morning," I said as I stood and walked across the room to look at myself in the mirror and the reflection looking back at me actually did look happy and peaceful. I smiled wider, my heart feeling light. "I can't wait to see you."
He was quiet for another beat before answering, "Likewise, love."
"BARF!!!" Emmett yelled in the background. "Edward, did you tell her yet? About the – " but someone was muffling Emmett's words, likely Edward himself.
"I have to go take care of this situation. Have a great day with Renee and Phil and I'll see you tonight, Bella," Edward said, struggling with Emmett with his free hand. I couldn't help but laugh, my heart swelling further still at the thought of being a part of that family for eternity.
"Love you, Edward," I breathed, my grin plastered across my face as I clicked the phone shut.
I stared at myself in the mirror; half expecting my wide smile to dissipate rapidly with the loss of Edwards' silken voice but the beam remained long after we hung up. Today would be without a doubt one of the hardest days of my life, but starting with this feeling of lightness of righteousness, I knew I would make it through. I felt like I was going to explode and coat everyone around me in happiness. This was right, this was my story and this is how it was supposed to end. I would say goodbye to Renee and Phil and it would hurt and I would cry and I would be inconsolable as I flew to Seattle but I would be at peace in my heart because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was right. This was the inevitable conclusion to my human life and the inevitable plot twist in my relationship with Edward.
I shrugged into my robe and threw my bedroom door open, my smile still spread across my features as I padded down the hallway towards the kitchen. Renee was there scrambling eggs in a big bowl and one look at her face my heart sink. She looked like she was crying.
"Good morning, Bella," she said, smiling weakly at me. "With a smile that wide I would have thought Edward snuck into your room last night but that can't be the case." She sniffed hard, wiping her face brusquely and turning her face away, trying to hide her emotion. She was sad I would be leaving today. If she only knew.
"I just got off the phone with him, I guess I'm just still excited from talking to him," I mumbled, sitting at the counter and sipping the orange juice she slid in front of me.
"I'm so happy you're happy, Bells. You truly deserve it," she said warmly, her face still turned away from me.
"Mom, are you okay?" I asked softly. She nodded her head quickly and walked to the stove, dumping the scrambled eggs into the pan perched on the smooth top.
"I'll just miss you so much, that's all. Stupid mom stuff," she said turning to me and giving me a meek smile. "But I'm glad you'll be spending some time with Charlie. I know he misses you terribly even with Sue around." I'd almost forgotten all about Sue Clearwater, Charlie's girlfriend. They'd grown close after the death of her husband and one of Charlie's best friends. Having Sue there would make it easier for me to have Edward around.
My heart lurched and again I waited for the remorse and dread to fill me, the feeling that I was deceiving my own mother, but it never came. I felt sad of course but the feeling was nowhere as intense as it had been the rest of the week.
"Where's Phil?" I asked, hopefully changing the subject. I couldn't bear to think of what a wreck Renee would be in two weeks. Just two weeks.
"He has batting practice this morning. He was going to try to get out of it but I told him to go so we could spend some more time together, just the two of us," she said with a warm smile. "He'll be back later so we can both take you to the airport." I nodded as she scooped the eggs into a bowl and placed them on the mat between the two barstools. She came around and sat beside me, scooping some eggs onto my plate before doing the same for her.
The day flew by at an alarming speed and before I could comprehend what had happened I was in the backseat of Phil's SUV, watching Jacksonville whoosh by the windows. I had to admit it was a pretty enough city, especially out where they lived but I could never live there. Not that Forks was much better, or Hanover for that matter, but Jacksonville was just a world all its own and not representative of the rest of Florida from what I'd heard.
We pulled up at the airport and Renee insisted that they walk me inside and watch me as I go through security. I was hoping for a quick hug and kiss at departures, thinking the truncated goodbye would ease the pain even only slightly. Phil pulled my luggage out of the back of the car and walked behind Renee and I, Renee's arms slung around me.
"You call me as soon as you land in Forks, you got me?" she said sternly, attempting the mom voice she so infrequently impersonated. I nodded solemnly.
My stomach felt like it was in my throat as we walked through the automatic doors and into the blindingly white terminal. We made our way to the check in counter and stood in line. I stared at Phil and then Renee, taking in every line of their faces, committing them both to memory. I would remember them, I had to. And I would miss them terribly. I felt dizzy as the woman behind the counter took my bags and handed me my boarding pass. Goodbye Jacksonville. Goodbye Phil. Goodbye mom. I couldn't stop the tears as they slid down my cheeks but I brushed them away quickly, eager to not let them see.
"Take care, kiddo," Phil said, pulling me into a tight hug and holding me there. It was almost like he knew to take special care to say goodbye but I pushed that thought from my mind knowing it was crazy. "Tell that husband of yours he still owes me a rematch. I still can't believe he beat me at my own sport! That Cullen's got an arm on him though…" he trailed off and I smiled warmly, thinking of the last time Edward had come with me to Jacksonville right before a hurricane was supposed to come through which provided a welcome grey pavilion to the city. He'd tried as hard as he could to let Phil win the baseball game but he couldn't slow his reactions enough and ended up winning in a landslide.
"I'll tell him," I said softly, hugging Phil again. His hug was softer this time; I'd caught him off guard with my show of emotion. Phil pulled away and smiled and stepped back. Renee had tears rolling down her cheeks when she looked at me.
"I'll miss you, Bella," Renee breathed, pulling me into her arms and resting her head on top of mine. She rocked me softly against her like I was a baby and my arms instinctively wrapped tight around her. I wanted to breakdown in a heap of tears in her arms but I couldn't allow myself to do it. They would for sure be suspicious then. I would say goodbye and then find the closest airport bathroom and hide there until it was time to board my flight.
"I'll be back soon," I lied. I didn't know what else to say. My insides were completely knotted it up and all I could focus on was not howling with grief in the middle of the airport. She nodded against me and released me, holding me at arms length to look into my eyes.
"Give our best to Edward and Charlie," she said, probing my eyes with hers. I felt the desire to give in again and tell her everything, but I kept my composure, staring just past her and to the wall behind her. I had to be blank, I had to plow through this and get on the plane. I would feel better when I saw Edward.
The pit of my stomach churned as I hugged her again, clinging on tighter than I meant to and a few stray tears edged their way between my lids and down my cheeks. This was it. The final goodbye. I would board the plane and I would not be Renee's daughter anymore. I would never be able to hold her like this again. I would never be able to cry on her shoulder. I would never have my mom, my sense of home, of comfort. I would of course come back and see her but I would have to watch her from afar with detached affection.
I pulled away from her, grabbing my bag off the floor and turning to leave. I squeaked out one final goodbye but didn't look back. I headed straight towards the security checkpoint, never looking back. Never looking back.
As soon as I was through I launched myself into the nearest restroom and threw up in the toilet, dry heaving as tears crushed down my face. A couple women asked if I was okay and I didn't answer, I couldn't talk, I could barely breathe. My phone rang in my pocket and I looked at the caller ID. It was Edward. I couldn't answer but just seeing his name flash in front of me made me calm down infinitesimally and I moved to the sink, splashing cold water on my face. Once my tears became just a leak of water down my cheeks and not full body convulsions, I looked at myself in the mirror, looked down at my wedding band, thought of Edward. My husband. My life for eternity. That same swell of peace crept back into my chest and I mustered up all my courage and left the bathroom stall and boarded the plane.
When I landed in Seattle Edward was waiting for me, an incomprehensible look etched on his perfect face. My smile fell instantly.
"We need to talk," he said, grabbing my arm and pulling me through the terminal.
Comment = Love
