Maura's point of view.
The present.
If a white lie makes people feel good even if it's not really helpful, what I just told Jane has to be black lie. I didn't do it to hurt her, but it is ultimately for her own good. I told Jane what she needed to hear. At 26, I've told my first black lie. A lie that did the exact opposite of making her feel good. When Jane asked me if I could ever forgive her it felt like time froze. It wouldn't be good for her, for us, if I told her that I had already. I wish she would have asked me this a couple of months ago, then I wouldn't have had to lie, but of course she asked me today. I don't want to make this whole situation any more confusing than it already is. That would just give her false hope. I thought I may have seen that hope in her eyes earlier, and that would be dangerous. I want to be her friend. I want a relationship that's uncomplicated and amicable for our son.
I haven't had as much fun as I have today in a long time. I hadn't been to the zoo in years with everything going on, and until lunch, everything was going great. For a little while, the heaviness of the situation was gone. We were normal, like everyone else. Two parents with their son, no extra drama or baggage. Before this conversation with Jane, we had a clean slate. Nothing but honesty and cooperation between us.
Now there's a lie, a lie that changed things between us, one that made us opponents instead of being on the same team. I know it's just paranoia. I'm just not used to lying to people. How do people do it so easily? I've only said one sentence, and I feel so guilty. The worst part is she doesn't think I'm lying. I'd feel better if there was a hint of skepticism, or distrust, but she believes me. She took everything I said as the truth, and that's eating me up.
She's different now. Something in her expression changed right after I told her. Something left her. It could be the very thing I wanted to see gone. Her hope. We haven't said a word to each other since we left the picnic table. She won't even look at me now. Before, I'd catch her stealing a glance at me every now and then, but not anymore. I don't know why it almost hurts that she won't.
You killed her hope! She's in mourning! Those words slam into my brain.
"Are you okay, Maura?" Jane asks. I notice I've stopped in my tracks. She's more than a few steps ahead of me, turned around, her eyes narrowed in on mine.
"Yeah, I'm fine." I say aloud and catch up with her. Second lie. I'm far from fine.
Jane takes Theo out of his stroller, and puts him in his seat. She walks around the car, and her brown eyes look directly into mine, and I start to ask her what's wrong but something stops me. She loads the stroller into the trunk, and I get in the car. When she gets in the drivers seat I hand her the keys. I want to say something but I don't.
I hear Theo yawn and move around in his car seat, and I'm reminded why I'm here and why I have to do this. I catch Jane watching me and she quickly looks away when she sees shes been caught.
While she's driving I think a life with her that's easy. While we were at the zoo, It was just us, being. It was nice. She was nice, and fun to be around. I can imagine things being easy with her, but in reality I got complicated, arrogant, selfish and secretive. It's not hard to be with someone that's easy. It's not hard to love someone like that. I wish I hadn't had to deal with the mood swings, or the condescending attitudes. Things will never ever be easy with Jane and I, our history will never allow that.
I sigh and try to focus on anything but the situation at hand. I start to pay attention to how she drives, using her turn signal when switching lanes, even when no one is behind us, and staying within the speed limit. She's changed so much since we had Theo.
We finally pull in front of Angela's, and she turns the car off.
"I think I might skip dinner."The words escape my mouth before my brain can filter them. I look over at Jane and expect her to look relieved, but she doesn't. I think she looks disappointed.
"I'm just really tired." I explain. Well not tired. More like emotionally exhausted. It's a lot harder than I thought it'd be, pretending to be indifferent and not in love with a person sitting a few inches from you.
She pauses a minute then turns back towards me. "You'll have to be the one to tell Ma you're cutting the visit short, she's probably been anxiously awaiting since we left." She says with a tilt of her head and a smile that makes me want to stay. I swallow the lump in my throat and shake away the thoughts starting to surface in my mind.
"I'm sure she'll understand, right?" She displays a mischievous grin and takes out her phone and hands it back to me.
"Hey honey." Angela's voice says through the phone.
"Angela, It's Maura." I glance over at Jane who's grinning.
"Oh, Maura, is everything okay?" She asks, her tone going from cheerful to worried.
"Yes, Jane is right here. We're outside actually." I confirm.
"Oh great! Vincent finished the tricycle and I've started the lasagna." she says excitedly.
"I was actually going to. I...I…" And I chicken out. "Lasagna's my favorite." I sigh and swat Jane's arm as she laughs at me.
Jane gestures for me to give her the phone. She takes it, and just like that, my tension is gone.
"Ma, could you come and get Theo?" She asks, and I guess Angela obliges because she comes out quickly.
I notice her expression when she sees us, but she recovers quickly and greets us.
"You tired him out?" She laughs.
"We had a ton of fun." Jane says as she gets out of the car. I do the same.
"We're going to head this way." Jane says, gesturing toward the back of the house. I look back at Angela holding Theo. She gives me an assuring nod. I let out a deep breath and change directions. When we reach the gate surrounding the back yard she stops and leans on it. I do the same. There's a dog playing in the yard, what I presume to be a terrier.
"Korsak found her, and brought her here, he wants to give her to Theo but I told him I needed to speak to you about it first."
I watch the dog for several momenta wondering if Theo having a dog, is a good idea.
"What's her name?" I ask.
"Joe Friday." She says. I look at her to see if she's joking, and she laughs.
"Seriously?" I ask.
"Joe's short for Josephine, and she was found on a Friday."
"I think Theo would like a dog." I say, leaning more of my weight on the gate. She turns around and leans her back on the gate so she's facing me.
"Really?" She asks in a disbelieving tone.
"Yeah." I say. "Is that so hard to believe?" I ask her jokingly, and she shrugs.
"No, not at all." She says, covering up her surprise.
There's a breeze, but the sun is warm. I close my eyes and enjoy the small moment where I don't feel suffocated by anxiety. At this second things are just easy.
"About earlier." She says.
My eyes snap open. "Yeah?" I ask a little surprised.
"I understand if things between us stay exactly as they are, but I want to apologize. I never meant to intentionally hurt you." She says quietly. There's warmness to her voice, and when I'm brave enough look at her, shes wearing a sympathetic smile, one that is worse than if she was scowling at me.
I look up to the sky and feel myself biting my lip. Ugh. The truth. I want to tell the truth, but the truth could really complicate things between us and cloud the reason I am here. Theo.
