4.
Remus blinked, suddenly awake in the comfortable darkness of the Potter's guest room, and glanced around. It had to be very late (or very early), and the house was peaceful. So what had woken him?
From across the room there came a rustle of blankets and a quiet whimper.
It was Sirius. He was tossing and turning, his legs tangled up in the blankets. He whimpered again and mumbled something that Remus didn't quite catch. Remus climbed out of bed and walked over to him, but stopped himself before he did anything stupid, like touch him. Last time he'd touched Sirius things hadn't ended well. But in Remus' defense, Sirius had touched him first. He instigated and encouraged everything that they had done, so was it really Remus' fault that Sirius wouldn't speak to him or even fucking look at him for a week afterward?
Sirius let out another cry, this one louder despite the fact that it came from behind clenched teeth. He grimaced and twisted his head to the side, his hair sticking to his sweaty forehead.
"Sirius," Remus said quietly, and prodded the sleeping boy's shoulder with a finger, keeping touch at the minimum. Sirius just whimpered and shrunk away, turning his face the other way. "Sirius, wake up," Remus said and poked him again. This time, instead of whimpering, Sirius scowled and flung out an arm. His hand caught Remus across his right cheek. It didn't really hurt, but it stung a bit. Remus didn't know if the blow was meant for him or the tormentor in Sirius' dream, but it annoyed him nonetheless. He gripped Sirius wrist hard and said, "Sirius!"
With a gasp and a jerk, Sirius woke up. He yanked his arm out of Remus' grip and scrambled backwards until his back hit the headboard. He looked around frantically, breathing hard. He didn't seem to know where he was. His eyes fell on Remus and for a moment he seemed to stop breathing. "Remus?" he asked tentatively.
"Yeah," Remus nodded. "You just had a bad dream, Padfoot. Go back to sleep, all right?"
"You have to leave!" Sirius said, distraught. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to see you and James. It got late and the Potters let me stay the night," Remus explained, trying to ignore how much the statement and question hurt. Sirius didn't want him here? But James had said-
"James is here too?" Sirius said, his voice tinged with panic.
"Yes," Remus said slowly. "He lives here..."
"What?" Sirius asked, completely bewildered. "Where are we?"
"At the Potter's." Remus looked at Sirius closely. Was he even awake?
Sirius remained tensed against the headboard for a moment before asking, and a tiny, pitiful kind of voice, "Remus?"
"Yeah," Remus said earnestly. "Yeah, Sirius, I'm right here."
Sirius sighed and leaned his head back, letting the tension seep out of his limbs. "That was weird," he said.
"What?"
Sirius looked at him and swallowed before he said, "I didn't know where I was. That's never happened before. I thought I was at ho- at my family's house."
"So you don't want me to leave then?" Remus asked.
"Of course not," Sirius said, waving a hand dismissively.
Remus stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to say to that. The hand bothered him the most, even if he didn't truly understand why. Finally he settled on, "Are you all right?"
"Yeah," Sirius said. "Just a nightmare."
"Must've been one hell of a nightmare," Remus said. "You seemed pretty scared. When I tried to wake you up, you hit me-"
"I'm fine, Remus," Sirius said angrily.
"Good," Remus said, his voice shaking a bit. It took a surprising amount of willpower to keep his anger under control. "Then I won't bother you any more." He spun on his heel and stomped back over to his bed. He climbed in and faced the wall, putting his back toward Sirius. He lay there for a long time, angry with Sirius for being so defensive and angry with himself for expecting him to be otherwise. The silence between them grew tense and strained. Remus could deal with it, but he knew Sirius couldn't and he wondered how long it would be before Sirius cracked.
He heard the creak of bedsprings, footsteps, and then the bed sank slightly as Sirius sat down.
"Remus?"
"What?" he spat.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry," Remus sighed, still facing the wall. "I was just worried about you-"
"That's not what I mean," Sirius said.
Remus rolled over and looked at him. "Then what?"
"I'm sorry for... for what happened in June."
"Really?" Remus asked, his throat growing tight.
"Yes."
"Oh." Remus sat up and put his elbows in his knees. He took a breath and said, "I'm not."
"You're not?" Sirius gasped.
"No," Remus said. "I mean... I wish you would have... you know, spoken to me afterwards, but-"
"No. That's what I mean," Sirius said earnestly. "I'm sorry for avoiding you."
"Oh," Remus repeated. "Good."
"Great."
"Terrific."
"Wonderful."
"All right."
"Okay." They both sat in awkward silence before Sirius added, "And I'm sorry I hit you. Are you alright?"
"Yeah," Remus said with a laugh. "You hit like a girl."
"That Lily Evans packs one hell of a punch," Sirius said. "So I'll take that as a compliment."
Their laughter died down and silence returned, but it was more comfortable this time.
"So..." Remus said after while. "Do you remember what it was about?" When Sirius didn't answer he added, "Your nightmare."
"Uh... yeah," Sirius said hoarsely. "It was about my dad."
"And?" Remus asked. He didn't know how else to breach the subject.
But Sirius just sighed and shook his head. "It's no big deal. It's never going to happen again." Then he added bitterly, "I made sure of that myself."
"Are you sorry about that?" Remus asked quietly.
"Not as sorry as I should be," Sirius said and forced a laugh. Remus didn't reply. He just looked at him, waiting patiently. Sirius grew uncomfortable under his gaze and added desperately, his throat growing tight, "I mean... I'm sorry he's dead. You have to believe me, Remus, I am so sorry that he's dead, but..." his breath caught in his throat. "But now I don't have to see him ever again, now he can't hurt me and I... I'm not sorry for that."
"Good," Remus said.
"What?" Sirius said incredulously.
"I said that's good," Remus repeated. "Just the right amount of sorry, I think. Sorry enough to prove that you're a caring human being, but not so sorry as to wish he were alive and hurting you, because he shouldn't be."
Sirius gaped at him for a moment then laughed and said, "How does your mind work?"
It was Remus' turn to be confused. "What?"
"It's just that you always think differently than everyone else and the way you think just seems to work better," Sirius said. He paused before adding, "James doesn't get it. That I'm sorry. He thinks I should be happy. And my mother probably thinks I should be suicidal with grief-"
"You're not, are you?" Remus asked sharply.
"No," Sirius said and smiled at him. The smile was wide, bright, and the corners of his eyes crinkled. It was a real smile and Remus believed him. The knot in his stomach seemed to loosen a bit.
Remus hesitated and took a deep breath. "Why didn't you tell me?"
Sirius snorted and leaned back against the wall, spinning so his legs were stretched out in front of him. "Same reason I didn't tell James, I guess," he sighed.
"And that is...?"
"I don't know," he said and Remus could hear the tears he wouldn't let fall.
Remus shifted closer, wishing he could see Sirius' face better. He wanted to tell Sirius that it was okay to cry, because it was. Goddamnit, his father was dead and it was his fault; he should cry. But Remus knew better than to say that out loud. Sirius would either call him a girl or slug him or both.
Then he heard Sirius' breath hitch and realized that he didn't have to say anything at all.
"Hey," Remus said, and forgot his no-touching policy. He went to put a hand on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius grabbed his outstretched hand and yanked, pulling him closer. Remus ended up sitting in his lap, and Sirius wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in Remus' neck. Remus stiffened for an instant. He didn't really know what to do... Finally he relaxed and wound his arms around Sirius' neck. Apparently this was the right thing to do, because Sirius let out a shaky sigh and held Remus tighter while the tension leaked out of his shoulders.
They stayed that way for a long time. Eventually the tickle of tears and eyelashes on Remus' neck turned into the press of lips, little kisses, gentle and so soft it sent shivers down Remus' spine-
Remus pulled away slightly and said, "Sirius, what-"
But Sirius didn't give him an opportunity to finish. He took Remus' face in his hands and kissed him full on the mouth, swallowing the rest of his question. Remus moaned quietly and kissed him back. He'd forgotten just how good Sirius tasted, forgotten how quickly this side of Sirius could undo him. This Sirius was confident, but nothing like his usual cocky self. Remus had always thought everything about Sirius sparkled; his personality, his face, his body, his eyes, his smile... But when he kissed Remus nothing sparkled. Instead his eyes smoldered, and his touch electrified-
Sirius' hands left Remus' face and slid up under the hem of his t-shirt. Remus broke the kiss and pulled away until the only things touching Sirius were his hands. "Sirius, wait. We shouldn't do this."
"Why not?" Sirius asked, baffled. His hands fell to his sides. "I want to. Don't you?"
"Well... yeah, I do, but-"
"Then what's the problem?" Sirius asked and placed his hands on Remus'.
"Well... you never would have kissed me if you weren't upset and I don't want to..." he swallowed the phrase 'take advantage of you.' "to do something you might regret later.
"I kissed you in June," Sirius said. "I wasn't upset then."
"But you regretted it," Remus said sadly. Remus wouldn't admit it, but his reasons for stopping Sirius weren't entirely selfless. He didn't want to take advantage of the situation and hurt Sirius more, that much was true. But he didn't think he could stand it if Sirius ignored him the next day like he had the last time they'd kissed. Last time he'd written off what hat happened as a fluke, an exploration, but if it happened twice he didn't think he could keep his heart from breaking.
"I told you I was sorry," Sirius said quietly, resentfully.
"I know," Remus said. "And I believe you, but I don't want to do this now. Maybe later when things are normal... if you still want to..."
Sirius sighed and let his hands drop back to his sides. "Later, then." He smiled and added, "You got yourself a date, Moony." He climbed off Remus' bed and went back to his own. "Good night," he said.
"Good night," Remus replied, and sighed in relief. He hadn't exactly expected Sirius to be angry with him for stopping the kiss, but he'd still worried. He crawled under the covers and smiled into his pillow, hoping Sirius wouldn't forget about their 'date'.
-
"Remus is not a filthy animal, you stupid fuck!" Sirius bellowed. "He's ten times better than any of my pure-blood cousins and-" Sirius felt the back of his father's hand whip across his cheek and he stumbled back. He hit the floor hard enough to knock the air out of him. He gasped and laid there for a moment, trying to catch his breath, but before he could his father let out a savage kick that caught him in the ribs. He kicked him again and Sirius thought, 'Why did I say that? I know better than to say anything, I should have kept my stupid mouth shut-'
His father reached down, grabbed his collar, and lifted him a few inches off the floor before slamming him down again. Sirius' head cracked against the wood and his eyes slid out of focus. Everything went fuzzy and he hardly noticed the next few blows his father dealt out.
"I'm going to pound some sense into you," his father was saying. "And then I'm going to go and get your little flea-bitten, half-breed monster expelled. Who knows? Maybe I can even get him put down for endangering and corrupting children-"
With a furious roar, Sirius pushed himself off the floor and tackled his father. "Don't you fucking touch him!" he snarled and punched his father. "You hurt him and I swear, I'll-" but the words were stuck. His father's hands had wrapped around his throat and were squeezing, cutting off his air, choking him. Sirius clawed at the hands as his father stood, taking Sirius with him.
"You've always been a smart-mouth," Orion Black said, lifting his son until his feet left the floor. "Do you remember what happens when you're smart with me?"
Sirius felt the panic rise and consume him- not only because he couldn't breathe, but because of his father's words. He did remember what happened when he mouthed off, that's why he never said anything-
Orion let go and Sirius fell to the floor coughing and gasping. A hand fisted in his hair and pulled him up so he was kneeling in front of his father. He whimpered and tried to pull away.
"Come on, boy," Orion said and pulled Sirius' face to his crotch. "That mouth of yours is always busy. Why don't you put it to good use?"
"No," Sirius said through gritted teeth.
Orion didn't listen. His free hand fumbled with his robes-
Sirius whimpered and tried to pull away again but his father's grip was too strong-
"Sirius!"
He jerked awake and glanced around frantically. His gaze fell on Remus and for an instant panic gripped him. Remus couldn't be here, his father would hurt him-
"Are you alright?" Remus asked.
Then Sirius remembered. He was at the Potter's, his father was dead, and Remus was here visiting...
"Yeah," Sirius sighed. "Just a nightmare."
"Another one?" Remus asked. "How many do you usually have in one night?"
"I... I don't..." he stuttered, thankful for the darkness. Remus wouldn't see him blushing with embarrassment. "I'm not sure."
"Hhmm..." Remus said, as if he was thinking. About what, Sirius couldn't fathom.
"Anyway," Sirius sighed. "I'm all right now. So I'll... uh... let you go back to sleep."
"All right..." Remus said slowly, but didn't move. He stared at Sirius for a few more minutes and Sirius wished he could see the expression on his face more clearly. What was he thinking? Did he know what Sirius' nightmare had contained? Had he spoken in his sleep? He went cold at the thought.
"Good night," Sirius said awkwardly.
"Yeah," Remus said, shaking his head sharply as if he was trying to throw something off, clear his mind of an unwanted thought. "Good night."
Sirius watched as Remus went back to his bed and pulled the blankets over himself. Sirius lay back down, but didn't go back to sleep. For now, at least, it was safer to stay awake, where the nightmares couldn't find him.
-
A/N:
once again, sorry about the whole chapter-3-getting-erased-and-put-back-up-thing. Hope this chapter kind of made up for it. Review, please? :D
