Ch. 4: The Dolores
Mixx Kaylon walked through the metal halls of the ancient undersea fortress, listening to the chanting in the distance. On either side were large windows through which he could see next to nothing of the watery depths beyond. He emerged in a large, centralized room. At one end of the room was a massive holoprojection of a blond woman in an incredibly tight catsuit wielding a double-bladed red lightsaber. Dozens of fishlike selkath faced her, their heads bowed in prayer.
In front of the congregation was the leader, a selkath like the others, who screeched, calling the faithful to worship.
"Hail to her immaculate body! Reeeeeee!" shouted the leader.
"Oh-o-o-o- Darth Zaaaaaaaaanah!" chanted the cultists.
"Hail to her! The embodiment of the Cosmic Fooooooorce!" sang the leader.
"May she always be wiiiiith uuuuuuus!"
"She fulfilled the prophecies of the Pius Deeeeeeaaaa!" said the leader, raising a book into the air.
"Over all aliens is the human raaaaaaaace!" they sang, clearly not realizing that they were, in fact, aliens.
"And over them is the Overwoman- Daaaaaarth Zaaaaaannah the hiiiiiighest!" he chanted, somehow able to pull off a perfect Gregorian Chant despite his fishy vocal cords.
"We are her servants!"
"She is the Sith'ari!" he raised the Sith holocron in the air, "Fulfillment of the Sith prophecies!"
"They were also her cho-sen pe-ople!" they sang, "And through the Sith we aliens are unified with the Force and the human species- the original choooosen raaaaace!"
"Reeeeeeee!" the leader screamed before launching into a chant in the selkath native tongue.
"Ouh gluh! Cha gluu alisha glu gla! Sheila glosh graaash!" chanted the cultists, "Gree shouldba! Gree Azathoth! Shela Nyarlathotep! Gluh Yog-Sothoth! Glish Nug Tsathoggua! Gluh Yeb Shub-Niggurath! Enuma- Yuggoth! Elish-Innsmouth!"
Mixx stood in the back of the room waiting for the service to be over. While he was a very religious man with a deep devotion to his Goddess, he did not wish to partake in the ritual at the moment. He knew that the whole ceremony existed just to get the cultists excited for the upcoming pilgrimage, and besides, a human like him would never worship beside a gaggle of disgusting aliens- even if they were both technically part of the Elect.
When they were finished, the leader stepped down and turned off the holoprojector. The selkath then gathered around a table for doughnuts and kolto while they talked amongst themselves in their native tongue. The leader walked to the back of the room where Mixx stood.
"How's it going Pabluus?" asked Mixx.
"It's going well," said the selkath preacher, "With the help of the glitterstim spice you gave me, I was able to telepathically take control of the entire Order of Sasha."
Mixx smiled as his plan came to fruition. "So tell me, how were you able to do it?"
"Wait, don't you already know?" asked Pabluus in confusion, "It was only a few days ago. Why do I have to be captain exposition?"
"Because I like hearing about my victories," said Mixx as they walked further along.
"Well, as you know, glitterstim is a powerful spice," said Pabluus, "It somehow enhances the telepathic capabilities of its users. This, combined with my own natural telepathy and Force-sensitivity, gave me the power to take control of even strong-willed targets."
"Go on," said Mixx. He, of course knew this, but wanted to hear the story again.
"So I summoned the Progenitor and took control of its mind. The Progenitor then used its own telepathic shriek to destroy the minds of these selkath in the Order of Sasha."
"And why didn't it affect you?"
"Because I'm insane!" said Pabluus, "You can't destroy what's already broke."
"But what about the Order and this station? Where did they come from?"
"The Order was founded four thousand years ago by a Force-sensitive selkath named Shasa. She was captured and tortured by the Sith until she was rescued. She then used her powers to start her own Force-wielding order, the Order of Shasa, which served as the protectors of the Selkath race. They chose this station as their home, as it's closest to the koto. Then, I changed the name to the Order of Sasha as I got confused."
"And what's kolto?" asked Mixx.
"It's this substance that we're harvesting. It's used for medicine and is somewhat valuable to sell."
"Good. Now tell me about your history with the selkath here."
"I was a member of the Order once, but I was banished for being clumsy."
Mixx laughed, "And how did you get your revenge?"
"I destroyed their minds with the power of the Progenitor and then re-programmed them to be Darth Zannah cultists."
"Good, and now I can use them to harvest kolto and sell it on the black market to become rich."
"Yep," agreed Pabluus.
"Enough exposition, are they ready for the pilgrimage to Lake Natth?"
"They should be, but we should leave some behind to run the kolto-harvesting operation."
"Of course," said Mixx, "But we need to expand and set up colonies everywhere. How many are ready?"
"At least fifty. Do you have transportation?"
"Actually yes. I'm going up to the surface to meet him now. Care to join me?"
"Sure," said Pabluus as they got into a submersible, "Is it a SoroSuub mini cooper?"
"No, Pabluus," said Mixx with a sigh, clearly Pabluus asked that question often.
"Can we get a SoroSuub?"
"When we have money!"
The submersible emerged from the water. They arrived just in time to witness a large, obnoxious, loud, and bright red ship emerging from the sky. It landed right next to the shitty freighter that Mixx was never able to fix. The ramp lowered and a small, short, buff, black guy who carried a blaster rifle almost as big as his entire body emerged from the interior. Strangely, his eyes appeared to be milky white.
"Who is this guy?" asked Pabluus in confusion.
"Mah name is Babipi Bompa en I'ah'a be your ridh!" said the stranger.
"He's a hitman with a nice lift that can get us out of here," explained Mixx.
"So whuddya you faghs want ta go?" asked the strange man.
"We're going to Ambria," said Mixx, "Once Pabluus calls up members of the cult we can head up to the surface."
"I ain't lettin' a bunch'a fakkin fish in muh Dolores!"
"What's a Dolores?" asked Pabluus.
"Teh Dolores is teh fastestest ship in teh hole mudder fakking Galaxy! She made teh Kessel run in ninh parsecs!"
"Isn't a parsec a unit of space, not time?"
"Shut up!" yelled Mixx in frustration, "What do you mean no fish? You kriffin agreed to it!"
"Put teh fish in ya old ship and I'm'a gonna toe it to Ambria!"
"You're going to tow Mixx's ship?! To another planet?!"
"Yeyh! Just huk er up tu some fakkin cables and jump ta hypperspace."
Pabluus looked out at the ocean and considered drowning himself. Then he remembered that he was a fish.
"Fine!" said Mixx, "Pabluus! Get your friends, they're going to have to ride in the RV."
"But what about me?"
"You're gonna ride with them!"
"But what if it breaks or something?"
"Then you die! Now do you want your SoroSuub or not? Go get the cult!"
"This has to be illegal," muttered Pabluus.
"Te're is no law in dis Galaxy," said Bompa.
"I have a very bad feeling about this."
