Chapter Four: Shablagoo!
The steady beating was really bothering Kenny. He felt like there was some kind of drumroll in his head that just wouldn't shut up and let him sleep.
"Kenny? You in there?" Came the annoyingly familiar and chipper voice of an old ally.
"Aw shit." Kenny groaned, rolling onto the floor. The list fell from his chest and glided across the carpet, but Kenny did not chase it. He figured the voice at the door had waited long enough, if the amount of time he'd been screaming at him to shut up was any indication.
"Well, hello there, Kenny! Long time, no see!" Chirped Bradley Biggles, who stood with his chest puffed out on Kenny's doorstep. His feet were spread wide apart, and Kenny sighed dramatically. This was going to be a long hour, not to mention the fact that immediately afterwards Clyde would arrive for his second class, closely followed by Butters for God-knows-what this time.
Kenny caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and smiled. His hair was tousled and he had on involuntary bedroom eyes. If Bradley was gay (Which, in Kenny's mind at leased, there was no question of), he wouldn't be able to help being attracted to Kenny right now.
"Hey, Brad." Kenny smiled sleepily, holding up a shaking hand as invitation for his new guest to enter. The amount of people who knew where he lived due to those flyers was a possibly dangerous and definitely an annoying factor to Kenny's otherwise exciting and enjoyable new career.
Bradley swaggered in, picking up the list off the floor and skimmed it quickly. "Ah, so this is it, huh?" He waggled his eyebrows at Kenny knowingly and Kenny snorted. He was, of course, first, thanks to his amazing tongue tricks. Next was Craig, who only came second because of that one time he barfed on Wendy's shoes when he was drunk. Third and fourth were Gregory and Christophe, who Kenny knew from experience gave quite good tongue baths themselves. In case you haven't noted already, Kenny is a little promiscuous. The last boy on the list came from a different high school, and Kenny didn't really care to check if this measurement was correct. He, personally, would have rated himself lower than those three. But at leased he had never barfed when making out. Or gone insane when the other person touched his hair-do. Or attacked his girlfriend's dog with a shovel.
Bradley placed the list on the mantel and twirled around on his toes. "Shablagoo!" He muttered to himself. He then looked at Kenny quickly to check he hadn't heard, and Kenny raised a sarcastic eyebrow to show he had. Bradley blushed pink, and Kenny checked it was both sides of his face and not just one. Bradley laughed, and pulled Kenny eagerly onto the main chair, and not the couch. This meant it was rather uncomfortable until Bradley positioned himself snugly on Kenny's lap.
"So you're learning for boys, right?" Kenny asked, laughing. Bradley's arms had locked securely behind his head and he had no intention of moving him. For all intents and purposes, we'll say Bradley reminded him of Butters. For those of you who know better, Kenny is a whore.
"You know me!" Bradley answered proudly.
"Perfect." Kenny purred. "Anyone in particular?"
Bradley's confidence seemed knocked for a second, but he brightened quickly and replied "Well, there is a certain little someone."
"Ohh, tell Uncle Kenny!"
Bradley sniggered and shrugged. "It's...well, it's Butters! What can I say?"
Kenny froze for only a moment before smiling wickedly and simpering "Oh, really? Well, that's just dandy.".
"Why's that?" Bradley asked, bug-eyed.
"Cause I happen to know just what Butters likes!" And I sure as hell ain't telling you.
"Great!" Bradley laughed some more, his little joyous face beaming, radiating the usual happiness. Kenny tried not to let it infect now he knew the truth, but...It was so hard! It was like having cake and ice-cream trucks follow Cartman around on demand! Kenny couldn't help but feel happy when the little goofball spoke in his singsong voice.
Who was Kenny to deny him a shot at Butters anyways? It wasn't like he and Butters were dating exclusively. Hell, it wasn't like he and Butters were dating at all!
"Right-ho!" Kenny imitated little Pip's British accent, lifting Bradley from the chair and dropping him unceremoniously onto the sofa. Bradley laughed and Kenny plopped himself beside him. "Close your eyes." He ordered, and Bradley obliged, grinning. "Now..."
Kenny leaned in, trying to keep a straight face as he kissed the third boy this week.
"Ohh!" Bradley shivered, clutching his hands to his chest. "I can see why they put you on that list!"
"At the top, no less." Kenny winked, and Bradley nodded. The kid obviously idolised Kenny, and Kenny felt a little bad about what he was going to do next.
But that's life.
"Okay, so I want you to imagine that I'm Butters." Kenny instructed, and for once it was good to know who he was being pictured as. He knocked his knuckles together and fluttered his eyelashes. "And kiss me just like you would him."
Bradley nodded, putting his game face on. Kenny was surprised he didn't whip out his pink phantom-of-the-opera-type mask and random leaf shoe right then and there. Kenny closed his eyes and waited. Bradley took a while, probably deliberating, as Kenny had with Butters, where to put his hand. Eventually he settled on Kenny's cheek, which Kenny realized he hadn't thought of this and cursed himself for being so perverted (Waist! What had he been thinking?). He felt the sofa dip as Bradley moved forward and planted a firm kiss on Kenny's mouth. He seemed to pause, deliberating, before beginning to move his mouth very slowly and very delicately. Kenny put a hand on his chest as a signal to stop and Bradley sat, bright eyed and bushy tailed, cheerily waiting on Kenny to comment.
"Okay." Kenny seemed surprised. "That was very nice. Very nice. Have you ever kissed a girl before?"
"No..." Bradley sneered.
"Have you ever kissed anyone before?"
Bradley's playful smile disappeared and he hung his head. "No..."
"Aw, dude! Now I feel bad!"
"Why? That was so awesome!" Bradley begged.
"Yeah, but I'm not the one you want!" Kenny insisted.
Bradley picked lint and such off his neon green jeans and cocked his head. "I'm not picky."
"You drive me insane." Kenny stated. Bradley seemed hurt until he looked up to see Kenny's appreciative smile. "But I've got to love ya."
"I suppose you have." Bradley giggled.
"Okay, what I really want to teach you is what to do with this." Kenny began, pushing his fingers into Bradley's mouth and tugging his tongue out. Bradley gargled. "I'm guessing you have no idea what to do with that."
Bradley shook his head. Kenny let go of his tongue and just looked at him. His stomach didn't flutter, he didn't find any of Bradley overly attractive, although his bowl-cut was rather adorable and his huge green eyes reflected the room at large, which was pretty endearing. And he had a sweet ass. But that was it.
"Come." Kenny invited the boy back onto his lap and took his face between his hands. After the initial giggle-fest that ensued, and the official lesson, Kenny and Bradley sat in companionable silence. It was the kind of silence that was punctuated with random thoughts and lots of giggling, the kind of silence Kenny was accustomed to after having smoked a little pot.
"Who else do you teach?" Bradley asked.
"Only you, and Clyde. Yesterday I got Tweek and Thomas in here, but they just wanted relationship advice." Kenny felt uncomfortable mentioning Butters, not just because Butters was the one Bradley wanted, but because of how heated his own endeavours with Butters were. He wanted to keep Butters his sweet little secret. His sexy, confusing, sweet-assed little secret. And Bradley couldn't be in on that secret.
"You'd better go." Kenny advised. "Clyde is due soon."
Indeed, Clyde was heading up the street when Kenny ushered Bradley out of the door. The little boy skipped off past Clyde, whistling a cute little tune. No way could he and Butters be together. They were both undeniably catchers. They were both shy, they were both awkward, and they were both little pansy wierdos.
Nothing against them, of course. Kenny loved them both. These are just my initial reactions to the fact that Bradley, a sixteen year old boy, just skipped off up the street whistling like a little bitch. Kenny himself found this amazingly cute. But he jumped out of these thoughts when Clyde clapped him on the back. "Dude, his ass ain't all that sweet. I checked."
"You checked?"
"Hey, when I saw you staring I figured there must be something special about it." Clyde shrugged, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the carpet. Kenny shut the door and went to join him.
"You're right. There are better." And we all know who he had in mind when he said that. Except Clyde, who remained blissfully unaware.
"Okay, dude, teach me the romantics." Clyde rubbed his gloved hands together. They crackled a little. "See? I told you I was hot!"
They laughed, Clyde removed his gloves, and they lay together discussing the best ways to seduce women. Slowly, it dissolved into how to seduce specific people. For instance, Wendy would need a classy coffee date, Bebe would need to be taken out dancing, Kyle would appreciate something simple, like ice cream and a walk in the park.
"How about Stan?" Kenny asked sleepily. Today had been a lazy day, and he felt that when Butters arrived, he wouldn't even have the energy to kiss him. Maybe they could just go upstairs, get in bed...
No! Bad Kenny! Bad!
"Stan?" Clyde laughed, pushing himself up onto his elbows. "You're seriously saying Stan right now?"
"Dude." Kenny sat up also. "Have you seen the way he kisses Kyle when he thinks no-one is looking?"
Clyde just looked at him, mouth hanging open gormlessly. Then he snapped it shut decidedly. "Yeah, actually."
"Daddy wants some of that sugar!" Kenny giggled. A small tapping alerted him of someone at the door. "Clyyyyyde!" He moaned, a little too sexually for even his own liking. He writhed on the carpet, allowing his clothes to separate at his midsection and reveal his navel, and a shocking curl of pubic hair along with it. "Answer the door!"
Clyde obliged, too shocked by Kenny's provocative behaviour to do much else.
"Oh, w-well, hey there, Clyde!" Butters smiled shyly as he entered. The snow was falling again outside and his cheeks and nose were red with cold. He was wearing the cutest little blue bobble-hat and baby blue gloves. He tugged them off, revealing his red raw fingers and pink ears.
"Oh, Butters!" Kenny sympathised, holding out his arms. "You're freezing!"
Butters fell into Kenny's arms. "I-It's falling so thick. Clyde, I don't think you should go out there!"
"Call your 'rentals!" Kenny announced. "You're staying right here!"
Both Clyde and Butters grinned, pulling out their cell-phones. Kenny rolled around on the carpet, in front of the warm fire. Both Clyde and Butters admired the toned stomach, and the red-orange fuzz emerging from the waistband of his boxers, Clyde in the way you check out someone's ass in the street, Butters in the way you stare at your first high school crush across the classroom.
This was going to be a long night.
