Chapter 4

Hermione,

We need to talk about what happened at the Snowflake Ball. It's Christmas soon and I would rather not sit at one table with you at the Weasley's if we are not even on speaking terms.

-Harry

Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? This is as difficult for me as it is for you, Hermione. Christmas is in two days can you just talk to me, please?

-Harry

It was Christmas morning. I knew I'd see Harry later at the Weasley's Christmas dinner and I already felt sick to my stomach. I hadn't slept in days. I felt awful, awful for kissing Harry, awful for not telling Ron and most of all awful because whether I would admit it to myself or not I had felt something during the kiss. I knew I couldn't just ignore Harry, people would sense there was something wrong. I also knew it was unfair of me not to talk to him. Maybe he already told Ginny? Maybe he convinced Ginny not to tell Ron? God, I wasn't even going to be able to look at her. She didn't deserve this, Ron didn't deserve this. I just felt like the worst person on this planet.

"Darling, you coming?" I could hear my husband calling from downstairs.

"Coming!"

I saw his eyes searching for me as soon as he had entered the room. He wore a black suit and he held Ginny's hand. Once his eyes found mine a smile appeared on his face. It wasn't a happy smile it was more like a forced smile, a sad smile. I quickly escaped his look.

"Merry Christmas Harry." Ron called out, hugging his best friend. "Jesus it's been to long since we've seen each other."

I don't think I've ever felt worse in my life. I hugged Ginny, forcing myself to smile, forcing myself to seem happy. The whole Weasley-Potter family sat down at the table to enjoy dinner. Molly had overdone herself, as always.

"So Hermione, how do you like teaching at Hogwarts?" Ginny asked me. Harry sat opposite of me, I tried to avoid his stares as much as possible.

I felt like I was going to throw up right then and there. My heart was pounding violently, my stomach ached, I hated lying more than anything. I didn't mean for it to happen, it just … busted out of me.

"I kissed Harry."

From the corner of my eye I saw Ginny almost choking on the piece of turkey she had just put into her mouth. Both Molly and Arthur just stared at me with open mouths and I didn't dare to even take a glance at the kids. My eyes met with Harry's but I couldn't read his expression, at all. It didn't matter. I tilted my head to look into the pain filled face of my husband. He closed his eyes for a second before throwing his fork onto the table and leaving the room.

"Ron!" I called out, getting up from the table, going after him. "Ron please, I'm so sorry." I felt the tears coming up, there was nothing but panic in my voice.

"I knew it." I heard him saying. His voice was barely a whisper. "I knew it! I knew something was wrong. You wouldn't let me touch you ever since you've gotten back from Hogwarts."

He was calm, way too calm. This meant he was furious.

"Ron please … I- It didn't mean anything, I swear!" I tried to reach for his arm but he moved away from me.

I didn't know who I was trying to convince that the kiss didn't mean anything but I couldn't think about that in this moment. I needed to save my marriage.

"I swear it's never going to happen again, Ron please!"

Without a word he left the house, walking into the fields, not looking back.

"Mom?" I heard my daughter saying behind me. What the hell had gotten into me?

"It's going to be alright baby!"

"You promise?"

"Promise."

It's been two weeks since the end of Christmas break and our return to Hogwarts. Somehow, I had convinced Ron to give me another chance. I wanted to give up teaching but he said that it wasn't an option, that he knew how much it meant to me. This man was just simply, truly too good for me. Harry wasn't as lucky … He and Ginny had split. I heard him telling Molly that it was for the best, that they had had problems before this but I felt like I had ruined their marriage and honestly, I did. We were back at Hogwarts two weeks now and neither of us had said a word to the other. It was hard. It was hard to not talk to him but there was no other option.

Not only had I ruined Harry and Ginny's relationship, I had also ruined Harry and Ron's. I had ruined the truest friendship that ever existed. Basically, I had ruined Harry's whole life. As for my feelings for Harry … Well, see for yourself:

"Hermione?" I heard a familiar voice behind me in my classroom one day.

I instantly froze, turning around very slowly. I was too shocked to even give him an answer. Harry came towards me, slowly.

"We … We haven't talked in a while I just wanted to check in on you."

"Don't!"

"Don't what?" He raised his eyes.

"Don't be nice to me."

Harry frowned, tilting his head.

"Don't act like I haven't ruined your life. Be mad at me, shout at me, say you never want to see me again but don't be nice to me, Harry." I felt the tears coming up again.

I saw him taking a deep breath. "Look, Hermione. Ginny and I have had problems before our kiss. We both weren't sure of our feelings anymore but tried holding on to our marriage for the kids. I very well think you could have chosen a better situation to tell them but we needed to. I couldn't have held it in longer myself."

By now, the tears were streaming down my cheeks.

"It was just a kiss …" I whispered, shaking my head lightly.

"Was it?"

"It has to be."

"Why?"

"Because, Harry. Because I am not that person, I don't want to be that person. I don't … I can't … This is not me. I'm not the kind of person who cheats and sneaks around and lies." I shook my head, raising my voice.

"Well neither am I, Hermione I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this. I-"

"We can't be friends right now, Harry." I interrupted him, turning away from him.

"What?" I could hear the disbelief in his voice, hear the pain. It broke my heart.

I took a deep breath, wiping away my tears. I had to be strong now … For myself, for my marriage, for my kids, for Harry.

"You know we can't, Harry."

"This isn't what you want." He sounded bitter.

I turned around to face him.

"It has to be."

A/N: Woooow talk about drama right? I've been reeeeally reeeeally enjoying writing this fanfic. I've had like a sort of blockade for like the last 6 months and now i just feel like i'm finally back on track you know? tell me how you liked this chapter by writing a review! :)

looots of love