Tails' Inventions Part 2: Putting the ASS in Assistant

"Hi, I'm Omochao, and I'm here to help you!" It was a small mechanical chao that had about the creepiest little eyes and a rapist smile like no other. It continued to stare at the gang as if wait for their reply.

"The fuck is that?" Shadow had asked. Silver has cowering behind him while Sonic and Knuckles had both taken defensive fighting positions ready to kill it.

"Relax, guys. His name is Omochao an-" Tails was interrupted.

"And I'm here to help you with all of your daily task and chores," it exclaimed. Silver came from behind Shadow to get a better look at it.

"I guess that's cool," Silver stated, getting closer to the toy. Silver got closer to Omochao. At first, the little toy was just staring in Sonic's direction, but then had creepily turned it's body toward Silver; its feet had moved as if it was walking forward, but its body had only turned. Silver stared into its yellow eyes. They looked...empty to him. Silver couldn't help but feel as if the thing was looking at him with some kind of feeling.

"Are you gonna kiss it?" Shadow asked. Silver waved him off and back away.

"So, what can it do exactly. I mean, how can it help us do anything?" Knuckles asked. Tails smiled.

"Well, it can-"

"I know everything! I can give you advice whenever you need it most!" Omochao answered, cutting Tails off again. Sonic smiled.

"Well, I guess that's cool...but can you prove it?" Sonic asked, a smirk on his face complimenting his raised eyebrow. Shadow seemed interested in this question himself.

"Yeah, can you give me advice on fixing my Dark Rider? I think something's wrong with the ignition an-" Shadow was cut off.

"Have you tried using the correct key?" Omochao asked. Shadow snorted.

"Of course I have!"

"Are you sure? Are you sure you haven't been trying to turn on your bike in the dark and is just putting any key you can find into the ignition?" Omochao asked, almost sounding as if he already knew the answer. Shadow stared back at the little creature with fiery red eyes. Then those red eyes widened with realization.

"It all make since now!" Shadow cried, before running off, but not before thanking Omochao. Sonic shook his head.

"It's like I'm the only one who's not an idiot in this fic," Sonic said.

"This...what?" Knuckles asked.

"Nothing."

Silver stepped up to Omochao. "Well, I'm having problems and I need advice I-"

"Try straining your vocal cords and you'll sound a lot manlier," Omochao advised.

"What? No, I need help with-"

"Change you're hairstyle so it won't look like a pot leaf and maybe people won't take you as a joke," Omochao instructed, once again interrupting Silver. Silver began getting upset with the mechanical chao.

"No, it's about my friend. She's-"

"Look, I know you're lonely and don't have real friends, but I can help you. If that imaginary friend of your's has stopped talking to you, then that means you're growing up and have decided to accept reality," Omochao said. Silver fumed.

"I give up!" He yelled and stormed away. Sonic and Knuckles were both trying to hold in their laughter.

"Well, Tails, I gotta hand it to ya, this is one great invention of your's. C'mon, Knuckles let's show everyone else," Sonic offered. Knuckles nodded as he picked up Omochao; however, as he did this, Tails' eyes had widened. It was a big mistake.

"PUT ME DOWN YOU BIG RED BRAINLESS FUCK!" The tiny robot cried in distress. Knuckle stared at it in shock.

"What the-"

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? HEY, DUMBASS, I'M TALKING TO YOU! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! IF YOU DON'T LET ME GO NOW, I'M GONNA CUT YOU'RE DICK OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, SO YOU CAN FUCK YOURSELF!" Knuckles quickly dropped Omochao backing away quickly. Sonic looked as if he'd just seen a ghost. Tails was speechless. "Ah...Thank you for holding me, but you were kind of rough," Omochao said. With that it flew away. Team Sonic watch the little toy fly through the backdoor of their home. Sonic then turned to Tails.

"What the fuck was that?" He asked pointing in the direction he flew off in. Tails put his hands up defensively.

"I swear I didn't know that was gonna happen. I knew he'd react negatively, but I didn't expect that! He doesn't like to be held," Tails explained.

"He reacted...almost violently," Knuckles said. The toy shook him up a bit, but he was fine now.

"We have to warn the others not to hold it," Tails informed.

"Yeah, well, except Amy," Sonic said.


Omochao was merrily floating into the kitchen of Sonic Heroes HQ, when he saw Vector sulking in the kitchen. Omochao decided that Vector would be his first victim...of friendship.

"Hi, I'm Omochao, I'm here to help you!" A loud and annoying voice squeaked. Vector jumped from the sudden noise and looked around until his eyes landed on Omochao.

"What the-? Who or what are you s'posed to be?" Vector asked.

"I'm a robot servant created by my master Tails in the image of a chao. Pretty cool, huh?"

"Amazing," Vector responded in voice full of sarcasm.

"Hey now, just because you're having girl problems doesn't mean you need to act all moody."

"How...did you know I was having girl problems?" Vector asked, dumbfounded.

"The sulking, the crying, the sadness, the dying...rose on the floor."

"Why couldn't that rose be Amy?" Vector asked silently.

"And then there's the fact that you're surrounded by used Kleenexes that are stained with something other than tears." Omochao explained.

"Oh, well you see, it's this girl, a rabbit, I''ve got it bad for her, but she has no idea. I don't want to come on too strong, but when I come on too weak, she doesn't notice, man," Vector explained.

"This girl...she wouldn't happen to be that milf of a rabbit Vanilla would she?" Omo asked. Vector's eyes widened.

"How did you-"

"I know everything. Everything~," Omo said in a creepy voice with glowing eyes. Suddenly, he turned his head and glared at Charmy who was grabbing a slice of cheese out of the refrigerator. "Get out!" Charmy squealed and buzzed off. Omochao then turned back to the croc. "I would like to help you hook up with her," Omochao declared.

"How can you help me?"

"Simple! I help people by giving them advice that makes their lives a little bit easier. I help the player learn the game and how to progress it," Omo explained.

"The fuck are you talkin' 'bout?"

"Don't worry about. C'mon, let's go get that rabbit and make you a little bit cooler!" With that, Omochao floated out of the Kitchen with Vector following close behind.

"Why would I need to be any cooler? I'm a DJ, I've got a gold chain around my neck and I'm always listening to headphones," Vector explained.

"Because difference between your first game and your second is almost a decade long. Everyone thought your were a new character in Sonic Heroes," Omo explained.

"What the hell are you...You know what? Never mind." The duo left the kitchen.


Are you sure this is gonna work?" Vector asked.

"I'm as sure as it takes 8 minutes and 20 seconds for light to travel to the earth from the sun," Omochao replied.

"What are you talkin' about?"

"What are you talkin' about," Omochao shot back. There was an awkward silence.

"Um, okay. So I just go in, say the lines, give her the present, and she'll fall for me,"Vector asked.

"Dude, she'll fall faster than Sonic did after Sonic 06," Omo assured.


Faraway, in the Sonic Heroes base, Sonic was playing Shadow in a game of checkers when something suddenly went wrong; Sonic made a sick face and had a muscle spasm in his right arm, which happened to be the one he was holding a red piece in it. Sonic's arm awkwardly shot toward the board, knocking off Shadow's black pieces in a zigzag motion. Shadow was not amused as he was winning. He flipped the board into Sonic's face and walked off in anger leaving Sonic with a "Fuck you".


Vector nervously walked up to Vanilla's house. He honestly didn't feel as though the pick-up lines he received would help much. However, if this Omochao was legit, and he did seem legit, Vector would have to just trust him. Omochao went to observe from the window. Vector let out a sigh and knocked. Seconds later, Cream answered the door. Upon seeing Vector, Cream stepped to the side to allow the crocodile entrance.

"Mom! It's Vector!" Vector heard footsteps coming from kitchen. "Ah the kitchen, it's where all women belong." Omo thought to himself. The elder rabbit came from the kitchen with yellow wet rubber gloves, obviously from washing dishes. When she saw Vector, Vanilla smiled pleasantly.

"Oh hello, Detective Vector. What brings you here," Vanilla asked pleasantly.

"Just Vector will be fine, thank you. I was in the neighborhood and just wanted to stop by for a quick chat. Are you busy?" Vanilla shook her head, pleasantly of course.

"I've just finished with the dishes so I'm free to chat. I'll get us a cup of tea." With that Vanilla got up and pleasantly walked into the kitchen. Vector took that small opportunity to look at her butt. At least he would've, but the moment he turned to look, Cream stomped on his foot. Vector nearly let out a yelp, but quickly bit it back and glared at Cream, who was crossing her arms with a serious look.

"What was that fo-"

"I know what you're up to," Cream declared. Vector looked shocked.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You were just in the neighborhood? Yeah, right! You walked straight here!" Cream hissed. Vector rolled his eyes.

"So what? You know how uncool it would look to just come over here for no reason? I had to come up with an excuse," the crocodile responded. Cream disregarded his words.

"Look, Vector, I like you as a close personal friend. Heck, I'll go the extra mile and even say that I love you, but the last thing I want is a crocodile for a step-dad," Cream explained.

"What do you have against crocodiles?"

"If this was anything like the real world, you would've eaten me by now," Cream hissed, pointing an accusing finger at Vector. Vector quickly clamped a hand over her mouth.

"Cream, no! Don't break...that wall," Vector warned. Cream forced his hand from over her mouth.

"Look, point is, stop it. We aren't even the same animal class. I'm a mammal and you're a reptile. If you were to date my mom, it wouldn't make any sense," Cream explained.

"Ya know what doesn't make any sense; what is taking your mom so long," Vector asked looking at the kitchen. Cream snapped at the croc to grab his attention.

"I'm gonna stay in this living room just to get in the way and there's nothing you can do to stop me," Cream declared. He smiled victoriously. Omochao, whom was watching the whole conversation from the window quickly sprung into action. He flew into the living room and began flying around in front of Cream.

"Hi, I'm Omochao and I'm here to help you!" Cream looked at for a few seconds before her child instincts kicked in. She began chasing it.

"I WANT IT!" Omochao flew out of the window quickly with Cream just behind, leaving a trail of drool behind. A few seconds had passed when Vanilla had pleasantly poked her pleasant head into the room, pleasantly looking to see if the coast was pleasantly clear.

"Is she gone?" Vector nodded with a slightly worried look on his face. "Good." Vanilla pleasantly let out a sigh and walked in with two cups of tea. She set on a coffee table near the couch Vector was sitting on. Vector took a cup and took a curt sip. It had a citrus taste to it. Vector liked it. "Is it good," Vanilla asked.

"Best tea I've ever had," Vector declared. Vanilla pleasantly smiled.

"Good to hear it." The two grown ups had engaged into a small talk. Vector was beating around the bush. He was take too long to use the 'super special lines' Omo had come up with and the little toy had showed up by the window again to watch the fireworks. Omo had gotten tired of Vector talking about irrelevant topics such as the weather and corny jokes and decided to get the croc's attention. Picking up a pebble, the little toy had tossed it at Vector, striking the him on the left side of his snort. Vector glanced at the window and saw Omochao waving at him, trying to get his attention.

"Excuse me for a moment," Vector said. Vanilla nodded...pleasantly of course. Vector walked over to the window to converse with Omo. "What," he asked.

"Dude, get on with it. I would like to move onto my next friend sometime before my next battery change."

"What happened to Cream," Vector asked.

"Taken care of."


Station Square Zoo

"Aw! Look at it! It's so cute," the people called from beyond Cream's cage. She was sitting with her arms crossed with a frown on her face. "How the hell did I get into this?" "Oo! I think she looked over here!" Some bratty teenage boy was poking her with a metal rod repeatedly, jabbing her in her right cheek. Cream didn't even look at them.

"Do it again," one of his friends called. And so he did, only harder. Cream decided she had enough. Cream caught the metal rod, bent it until the tip snapped, and began chewing on it. Then she spit the chewed bits of metal at the boys face, making him run off in fear. The crowd grew silent for a moment...before cheering and clapping. Shadow, who was for some reason or another was even clapping before something occurred to him.

"What am I even doing at a Zoo? I should go to a prison so I can see humans behind bars!" With that the black hedgehog teleported away.


"Say the lines!"

"But-"

"Now!" Vector huffed. He walked over to Vanilla who was pleasantly waiting for him.

"Everything alright," she asked. Vector nodded. He sank back against her couch and began to enjoy himself. He let out the breath of courage.

"So...Vanilla...If I flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head," Vector asked. Vanilla smiled.

"50-50," she answered. Vector almost choked on his tea.

"Really?"

"Yes, a coin only has two sides and heads is one of them. When determining the probability of something two sided, it will always be 50-50," Vanilla pleasantly explained. Vector mentally face palmed. She didn't get the joke at all.

"Thanks...So...Didja know I was an astronaut?"

"Really?"

"Yep, and my next mission is to explore Uranus," Vector said, cracking a grin.

"Oh my, that sounds wonderful. I wish you good luck on your journey."

"No, I...I was just kidding."

"Oh...that's too bad." Vector only stared at Vanilla. "What?"

"Nothing...I just want you to know that...I would be honored if I could park my beef bus in tuna town."

"Excuse me?"

"Uh...nothing...," Vector chuckled out. He was getting nervous. He looked out to the window and saw Omochao nodding him on. "Hey Vanilla, you wanna know what I wish?"

"Sure."

"I wish that I was a burger so I could get into those buns," Vector said. Vanilla only blinked innocently...and pleasantly of course.

"What buns...," she asked, utterly clueless.

"Vanilla...Just like a tootsie roll pop, I'd liked to find out how many licks it takes to get to your center." That one caught on. Vector could tell because Vanilla gave him an 'are-you-serious' look. Vector didn't stop, however. He was continuing strong! "If I was a skateboard I would grind you all night."

"Enough," Vanilla sudden, but pleasantly, shouted. "I'm not listening to another one of your pervy pick-up lines. Do you just want you do it?"

"Oh jeez, I'm sorry, I just-wait...are you serious?" Vanilla shrugged pleasantly.

"I'm not gonna lie...those lines kinda turned me on." Vector only stared, mouth agape.

"Can you give me just a second?" Vector didn't wait for an answer. He ran to the window, to Omochao.

"So did I tell ya, or did I tell ya," Omochao asked. Vector high-fived the little guy.

"Thanks a lot man! I'm about to get laid. Ya know, I was skeptical at first, but you were really there for me. Thanks," Vector said with an easy smile. Omo only nodded.

"It's nothing, bro! Just my job! Remember, I'm here to help you! And that's what I did; I help you! Now go get some tail!" Vector nodded.

"Thanks again, man! Aw yeah, this is gonna be so sweet!" Vector was truly geeked about the whole situation, but most wouldn't blame him. As Vector walked Vanilla upstairs, he gave Omo a sly thumbs up. Omo nodded to him and flew off. Vector and Vanilla had entered Vanilla's pleasant bedroom in a pleasant way. Vector took in the pleasant smell and look at the pleasant bed spread which they were about to pleasantly mess up on this pleasant Monday...pleasantly. For they were about to pleasantly make love in the most pleasant of ways to- "We get it already," Vector yelled to no one in particular, as if he could actually communicate with the author.

"C'mon Vector, let's get started," Vanilla said, beginning to undress...pleasantly.

"What did I just tell you?"


Miles away, just happily floating in the sky was Omochao, off looking for the next person he was to help.

"It feels good to know I've helped a guy get laid...of course...I guess I kinda forgot to mention Vanilla has gonorrhea aka 'the clap'. He-he, but ole' Vector will find out." Omo began laughing maniacally. "SAVIN' THE DAY!"


Now time for Awkward Questions with Tails!

Sonic was chilling in his favorite chair reading a magazine about chili-dogs when Tails walked in. At first, Sonic didn't care, but he noticed it was just him and Tails in the main room and immediately knew what was coming next. The hedgehog bolted to the door, but, amazingly, Tails beat him too it!

"Hey, Sonic, can I ask you something?" Dammit. Sonic was so close. As if a history of taunts had just slapped him in the face, the words, "You're too slow!"echoed in the blue blurs head.

"Sure. Fire away," Sonic asked, doing his best to look good for the fox.

"Do you plan on sexing Amy up anytime soon?" Sonic didn't miss a beat. He promptly got up and stretched.

"Well, 'bout time for me to be hittin' the ole' dusty trail." With that Sonic walked out of the room, leaving Tails alone...and apparently with Omochao who was facing the window. Tails looked at it. Omo then, creepily turned his body with any logical movement; just a forward and back shuffle of the feet and he was facing his creator.

"Okay that's creepy as fuck," Tails said. Omo then began floating towards the ceiling before disappearing in a 'pop'.


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