The intense pressure that was being placed on Deadpool's chest hurt more than the concrete sidewalk that he was slammed onto seconds ago. Above him stood Spider-Man who was using his foot to keep the mercenary pinned down. Clearly he didn't hesitate to hold back with a guy who had a healing factor that Wolverine would be jealous of nowadays.

「Especially since he's dying in September.」

【Dude, too soon.】

「Oh ball pits, you're right! This is based off of events that were written in the early 2000's.」

Deadpool put his hands up defensively, laughed, and cracked a smile, his mouth still exposed. "Don't get me wrong, Spidey, I enjoy being manhandled as much as the next guy, but this thing? It is a dud."

He swore he could see the eyes of Spider-Man's mask narrow. Is this one of those universes where masks are impossibly expressive? Ehh, maybe it was just Deadpool's imagination. Not exactly the fever dreams of Deadpool Vision™ level of vivid imagination; it was more that he was feeding off of the vibes that he was getting from the spandex clad spider. The hero bent over and swiped the apparent bomb trigger out of Deadpool's hand.

"Then what the hell is this?" he asked with a sharp edge of irritation.

"It was all a distraction."

"Deadpool, what the hell did you do."

The mercenary put his hands under his chin and batted his non-existant eyelashes under the mask while making kissy lips. This prompted Spider-Man to groan after realizing what Deadpool was communicating and then stepped off of the larger man as he continued to look down at him disapprovingly.

"You're sick," Spider-Man sneered as he threw the device back at Deadpool, who caught it as he sat back up. "I don't have time for you. Actually, I don't have time for any of this!"

With a smirk, Deadpool replied, "Afraid you'll catch Deadpool cooties?"

"I'm more afraid of switching brains with an arch nemesis, but we know that would never happen. Maybe if hell froze over," the spider snorted as he adjusted his webshooters while keeping a watchful eye on Deadpool. "I would have said 'when pigs fly' but I just saw one conjured by a farmer themed magician the other week. Criminals are running out of ideas."

Back on his feet again, Deadpool bounced around on his heels with his hands behind his back.

【Enough with the schoolgirl act already, jeez. God so help us if you start passing around notes with love confessions scribbled all over them.】

"Tell me about it! This one guy set off a bomb halfway across the city but kissed someone else while doing so to keep their attention elsewhere! It wasn't a very romantic kiss, though. And I'm not saying that mercenaries are crimin—"

In mere seconds, Deadpool was once again pinned down by Spider-Man.

"You're a feisty today, aren't you, bug boy? But goodness gracious it sure is indecent to do it in public! You don't want to tarnish your public image!"

「Spidey and Wade, sitting in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G!」

【Holy shit, don't encourage us!】

「What? I ship it.」

"Oh, for the love of… Cut the crap and tell me where it is," the hero inquired as he got up then lifted and set Deadpool against a light pole, a webshooter aimed mere inches from his torso. "I'm running on a tight schedule here."

Deadpool lolled his head back and whined, "Fiiiiiiine. Go six blocks north, then west on that corner deli, then south for the entire duration of Carly Rae Jepsen's 'Call Me Maybe', and then west again for five minutes."

"You don't even remember, do you?" Spider-Man sighed, letting go of the mercenary.

"It's by a Subway! Or was it a subway? Wait, wait, wait, I'm getting a message from the other side saying it's over there!" Deadpool shouted as he pointed in a general direction.

"Over where?"

While the younger man was distracted, yet again, Deadpool whipped out a pair of pistols and aimed at Spider-Man's feet. Was this below him? Yes and no. As he whistled the tune to Living on a Prayer, Deadpool went ahead and pulled the trigger hoping that those supernatural reflexes of the other man wouldn't kick in.

A howling scream of pain could paint a thousand words.

Down the road, two people were dashing out of a convenience store wearing cheap rubber masks of presidents. It was then that the mercenary heard Spider-Man curse under his breath as he began chasing after the pair of soon to be would-be robbers. Oh how that skintight costume of his did wonders for his figure. Before he was out of earshot, the hero yelled back at Deadpool in a firm and authoritative tone.

"Stay right there, this will only take a minute!"

Wade Wilson was never good at obeying people. Not unless they were offering loadsa money, of course. While Spider-Man was occupied, and boy was he ever after one of the robbers turned out to be an animal shifting mutant, Deadpool calmly made his way back to his temporary hideout in New York City. It was a little, shabby old apartment that belonged to an old friend of his named Bob, who happened to be out of town. Never post when you're going to be away from home on Facebook because there is a good chance that Deadpool will crash at your place.

【Speaking of men named Bob, we never did find a Bob Barker at that school today!】

As soon as Deadpool burst through the door, he took his mask off and tossed it over his shoulder where it fell onto the floor. He jumped over the couch and immediately proceeded to lounge out all over the place it in very unsightly manner with limbs sprawled out every which way. Once he flipped the television on only to find yet another rerun of The Price is Right, the man gave his current client a call.

A few rings went by before somebody picked up on the other line.

"Yes?"

The client's voice was muffled and distorted. How boring!

"Heeey, buddy! Can I call you buddy? Okay, so I took care of that Joe Q of yours, but I can't find your Barker guy. You sure he works at Midtown High?" Deadpool asked as flopped onto his belly and kicked his feet around. On the other end, the person was taking in a huge breath as if to quell their impatience.

"Who the fuck is Barker? I said Parker! Peter Parker! You fucking idiot, I should have hired Bullseye to do this shit. You're nothing more than an incompetent ass knob!"

Deadpool sat up now and let out a long "oh" of realization as he stared at the game show in front of him. Barker. Parker. Duh! He knew of a Parker at the school. Then with a smile, the mercenary responded, "Don't worry about it, baby cakes! I'll put a bullet between his doe eyes."


A/N: As always, thank you guys for the follows and kind words that you leave behind! I'm going down to Atlanta to Dragon Con next weekend with a close friend of mine! So I don't know if I'll be able to squish another chapter in before I leave. Anime sweat drop.