Part One
Chapter Four

You Can't Go Back


The journey back to the clan was uneventful. Duncan seemed to be right about the darkspawn no longer being interested now that the mirror was destroyed. The forest was still too quiet for the elf's liking, but there was not much that could be done about that, she supposed.

Aerianes could feel the sickness inside of her growing. Her breath was growing faint and rapid, her head felt as thought someone had taken a torch to it, and her skin was pale and clammy. She couldn't keep focused on the path ahead of them, and every so often her foot would catch a rock or a root and she would stumble. Moving seemed like such a tiring feat and all she wanted to do was curl up and go to sleep.

Merrill saw her actions from her peripheral vision and came up next to her. "Lethallan, are you okay? You look terrible."

But Aerianes did not feel like talking. She could hardly summon the strength to form any words in her mouth. She simply continued on the path back to the clan, unaware that she even fell to the ground and hit her face on a rock.

"By the Creators! Duncan! Duncan! Please stop! Aerianes is hurt!"

The Grey Warden stopped and turned to the elves. The hunter was indeed on the ground and bleeding. He ran back to them and knelt, propping the elf on his knee with her head in his arm. He took a cloth from his armor and poured some water from his bag onto it and started to dab the blood off of her face. He could smell the evil growing inside of her, and he knew that they had to get back to camp quickly before the taint took over. He needed her more than she really knew, and it was imperative that she remained alive, even if she didn't want to live.

"We need to stop, let her have some time. She just lost someone she held so dear to her heart," Merrill pleaded with Duncan. She was sincere in her request, and it touched the human to see such compassion from someone who didn't care too much for this hunter. However, they had to get back now, or it would be too late.

"We keep going," he replied, picking out a flask from his pouch. The liquid inside glowed eerily and a puff of smoke came out as he uncorked the glass. He tilted Aerianes's head back and poured the concoction into her mouth slowly, allowing her time to swallow. Slowly, warmth returned to her body, and her breathing slowed.

Merrill sat wide-eyed. "What was that? A miracle?"

The human shook his head. "No, it is only a poultice to help her health. Her condition is not as bad as when I found her last time. The keeper can heal her easily. But we must get back there today. This woman's life hangs in the balance."

He placed both arms under the small woman and hoisted her up. In a short amount of time, she would be able to walk again, but they could not afford to wait. He stood up and began to walk again, the mage not far behind. He looked down at the young woman and sighed. He wondered how many more lives were going to be ruined until the darkspawn retreated back to the Deep Roads where, for the moment, they belonged. Duncan felt bad that this elf had lost something so dear, but she needed to keep up her strength if she was going to be of any use to him.


Twilight had fallen upon the camp by the time they returned. Aerianes was well enough to walk on her own, if not slowly though. She kept her gaze to the ground so no one could ask her of Tamlen before they went to the keeper. It was times as dire as theses that she wished a great hole would just swallow her up.

Marethari was waiting for them outside of her tent, busying herself with others while they made potions and poisons for the road. When she saw the three coming towards her, she excused herself and went to them. Aerianes could see the age on her face clearly now, and the bags under her eyes indicated she had not slept since they had left to search for Tamlen.

"I am relieved you have returned!" she exclaimed, embracing both elves. "And I did not expect to see you again so soon, Duncan."

The Grey Warden bowed. "I was not expecting to return so soon either, keeper."

The keeper searched their faces and looked quickly around the camp. Her face grew somber and she looked at Aerianes. "Dare I ask of Tamlen? What did you find of him?"

The elf's eyes welled up with tears and finally she let them go silently, the warm liquid running down her face, and burning on the gash in her cheek. "The…Grey Warden says we…we will find nothing."

"I see," the keeper replied, her voice soft. She placed a hand on Aerianes's shoulder and squeezed. She felt the taint that came through her and gasped. Quickly she had two elves bring a bench and sat the hunter down. She quickly got to work on her, casting as many healing spells she knew to try and ward off the evil energy that coursed through the elf's veins.

"Merrill, what about the mirror?" she finally asked. "Did you bring anything back?"

"I can answer that, keeper," Duncan interrupted. Merrill glared at his back. "I destroyed the mirror."

Marethari scoffed. "I intended to find a cure for this mysterious illness. I trust you had good reasons for your actions?"

"There is much to discuss keeper. I have learned a great deal since I was last here."

The old woman sighed and looked back to the young elf. She smiled at her and placed a hand on her face gently. "I am done here, da'len. There is nothing else that I can do." She looked back to the human. "Let us speak privately within my aravel then Duncan. Merrill, warn the hunters. If darkspawn are about, I want the clan prepared."

Merrill bowed. "Ma nuvenin, keeper. Right away."

"Da'len," Marethari continued, "allow me some time to speak with Duncan. Seek me out at my aravel later and we can discuss your cure."

"Very well keeper." Aerianes mumbled.

"Tell Hahren Paivel what has occurred," she continued. "He now has the sad task of preparing a service for the dead. Follow me Duncan. I am eager to hear what you have to say."

They left her there, alone on the bench with her own thoughts and self pity. She felt as though she could die at any moment. She had known Tamlen her whole life, and now he was just gone…and she had to accept it? She wasn't sure if she could. It would never be the same hunting through the forests without him…she would never be used to another clan-mate. What was worse was that she would never be able to tell him how she felt about him. She was sure that she really did love him, and now he would never hear those words escape her lips. It tore at her heart to think of it.

Slowly, she gained her balance to stand up. She still had a duty to do still, and she had to continue on, for the good of the clan.

She was about to leave when she saw Ashalle running up to her. Aerianes paused and waited for her to catch up, the lump in her throat not going away.

"Thank the Creators you're safe!" Ashalle cried. "I questioned the keeper's wisdom at sending you off while you're still sick, but my doubts were misplaced." Her face lost its light as she looked around the hunter. "But Tamlen is not with you. Is it as everyone fears?"

Aerianes choked out the words, "I…don't want to talk about it, Ashalle."

She nodded. "I understand. It's such a terrible thing. The poor boy…" She returned her gaze to the young woman and smiled sadly. "Please take care of yourself! We…I… can't bear to lose anyone else."

She felt fresh tears threaten to show themselves again and Aerianes turned quickly. "I think I need to go."

Ashalle placed one hand on her head and stroked her hair once, as she used to when Aerianes was just a child. "You make me very proud."

Aerianes let out a mournful cry and ran off. She needed to be away from the pity, away from the stares. She wasn't sure if she could handle it. But she knew a service had to be done, it was only right. She slowed her pace and walked over to the large fire pit where Hahren Paivel stood with some of the children. He was almost as old as the keeper herself, and told of the lore of the Dales. He was a kind man who was never harsh with Aerianes, although she knew sometimes she could be insufferable.

He must have sensed her presence, for he turned to her and embraced her. "So you return with the Grey Warden, but without Tamlen. What happened da'len? Is he truly lost to us?"

"It-It's my fault Hahren…" Aerianes sputtered between silent sobs. "I failed…I failed the clan."

Paivel's expression was not one of anger or pity. He only wanted to make Aerianes feel better. He held her at arms' length and looked her in the eyes. "You've done nothing of the sort da'len. Do not blame yourself." He walked back over to the fire and they both watched the flames dance about and lick the wood as it burned into the night. "It seems it is the will of the Creators that I sing the dirge for those I held in my arms as babes. I think I know why our immortal ancestors should sleep.

"Swiftly do the stars burn a path across the sky, hast'ning to place one last kiss upon our eye."

Aerianes felt terrible. No matter what anyone told her, she felt the sting of guilt and failure to the clan. She cried inwardly and looked over at Paivel. "Would you prepare a service for Tamlen, please?"

"Of course," Paivel replied kindly. "We've no body to return to the soil, but we shall still sing for Tamlen. The Creators must come to guide him to the Beyond. Tell the keeper it shall be done before the clan is ready to move on."

Aerianes smiled. "Thank you, Hahren."

As she turned to return and wait for the keeper, she noticed the two emerge from her aravel.

'That was quick.'

She ran over to them and stopped, awaiting their answer to her cure, her heart pounding in her chest like a hammer.

"Your keeper and I have spoken, and we have come to an arrangement that concerns you," Duncan began. "You are in need of a cure. When I leave, I hope you will join me. You would make and excellent Grey Warden."

That was it? That was her cure? To vanish from the Dales without a trace? How was that fair? How was that a cure? Her anger rose again towards this human as she clenched and unclenched her fists. "I can't just leave my clan!" she shouted.

"And we would not send you away," Marethari reassured, "but there is more at stake."

Duncan nodded and continued. "The darkspawn taint courses through your veins. That you have recovered at all is remarkable. But eventually, the taint will sicken you and kill you, or worse. The Grey Wardens can prevent that, but it means joining us."

Aerianes shook her head fiercely. "I will not join out of pity," she spat.

"This is not simply just charity on my part," he insisted. "I would not offer this if I did not think you had the makings of a Grey Warden. Let me be clear though, you will likely never return here. We do to fight the darkspawn, a battle that will take us far from you clan. But we need you and others like you."

She turned a frantic eye to the keeper, "Keeper, why should we trust this human?!"

The woman sighed. "A great army of darkspawn gathers in the south. A new Blight threatens the land. We cannot outrun this storm da'len. A long time ago, the Dalish agreed to aid the Grey Wardens against a Blight, should that day arrive. We must honor that agreement," she sharpened her voice and stared intently at the hunter. "It breaks my heart to send you away. As it would to watch you die slowly from this sickness. This is your duty, and your salvation."

Aerianes sighed; what choice did she have really? She could stay with the clan for what little time she had left, probably become useless as the sickness took over her body. The clan would watch her in pain, pitying her, but also thanking the gods that it was not them. Or she could leave, and try her best to do a little bit of good before she left this world. It seemed she didn't really have much of a decision.

"If it is my duty, then I will go."

Duncan smiled. "I welcome you to the order. It is rare to have a Dalish amongst us, but they have always served with distinction."

Marethari beamed, and Aerianes inwardly hoped it was because she was proud, and not because her burden was lessened by her leaving. "I know you'll do your clan proud da'len. Take this ring. It is your heritage and will protect you against the darkspawn to come."

The ring was made of ironbark, a fabled bark that was said to be indestructible. It was a rarity to find and most difficult to craft. It was covered in an intricate design of wolves and the forest and glowed faintly with magic. As she slipped it on her finger, she felt some sort of magic wash over her body and cleanse her very soul. It felt wonderful, and gave her some sort of hope.

"A valuable gift," Duncan said. "So, are you ready to go?"

She snapped out of her trance and looked at the two who stood before her. "So…so soon? But…but…I would like to stay for Tamlen's funeral."

Duncan nodded. "We have much ground to cover, but I cannot deny you that. Say your farewells. Then we must be off."

Aerianes understood. Time again, was of the essence. Marethari wrapped an arm around her shoulder and led her away from the Grey Warden. She smiled at her, though it seemed very forced on her face, and her eyes looked to be on the verge of tears. Marethari was never one for emotions and the rambling on of goodbyes, so Aerianes knew that this was all she was going to get from her keeper.

She was grateful.

As she walked through the camp, she let her eyes feast hungrily on the aravels, the plants, the halla, and she could feel the lump rise in her throat. It was not so much that she was sad that she was leaving; but that Tamlen would never again walk through the wilderness with her, or anyone else. She still couldn't believe he was gone. It couldn't sink in for whatever reason, and that placed a pain in her heart that felt like a knife digging into her very organ.

Aerianes could see Paivel gathering the clan and raising the flames of the fire so that they danced towards the stars themselves. He had no body in his possession, so he merely dug a space large enough to fit one of Tamlen's swords and had one of the hunters wrap it in their ceremonial cloth. The service was about to begin, and being Tamlen's clan-mate, she had to help Paivel with the service. Although she was not good at speeches, she had her words prepared for tonight. She would be ready to send him off properly, with promise for retribution for what happened to him. These darkspawn were going to pay for the life they took, to that she would make sure.

She stood next to Paivel as the clan gathered around the fire. He raised his hands to quiet the cries of grief and slow the tears running off of the faces of so many who loved and knew Tamlen. He waved his arms about the fire in an intricate fashion that made the flames glow from green to purple to blue and back to red in a repeated fashion. This was an old magic that was used to call the spirits of the gods so they can come and collect the soul of the departed. Aerianes could only hope that whatever higher power was looking for Tamlen, that they would be able to find his soul.

A hush fell over the crowd as Paivel began to hum an old hymn from long ago. Few things travelled through the ages for the elven race to hold on to; many traditions were lost, but thankfully the sending of the dead was kept. At least the souls of past elves will always be able to rest. Paivel finished his hymn and wiped a tear that fell from his eye. He straightened his posture and addressed the clan softly.

"Love is stronger than death, even though it can't stop death from happening. But no matter how hard death tries, it can't separate people from love." His voice wavered as he continued, threatening to break as his speech resonated throughout the forest. Their surroundings were completely silent for him. "It can't take away our memories, either. In the end, life is stronger than death.

"Tamlen was a cherished lad and a strong hunter. All who knew him loved him dearly, and it is with aching hearts that we say our final goodbye to him tonight. Although we have no body to return to the earth, I am certain the gods will find his soul and take him back to the beginning. May we only remember the good things he brought to us, and may he forever rest in peace."

Aerianes wasn't aware of her own tears until it was her time to speak. She inhaled sharply and looked around at the faces of her fellow clan, all of them wrought with despair. She gulped, trying to find the courage to speak, and stepped forward.

"Brothers, sisters, Tamlen was..." she trailed off, unsure of what to say. Her mind was racing to find the right words, but she couldn't seem to form them in her own mind. There was so much to say, and she had little time to say it. Aerianes mentally slapped herself and continued. "Tamlen was murdered. He was given a slow and undoubtedly painful death at the hands of the darkspawn taint."

Murmurs arose from the clan, a few cries of sorrow. Aerianes had to continue.

"I tell you this not to bring more sadness and tears upon us, but so that we can understand our true enemy in this story. Tamlen...he was strong, he was one of the bravest hunters I knew. I...I loved him...so much..." She shook herself and continued. "But now is not the time to mourn over our loss, for we have a much greater threat to keep our focus on. However, believe me when I tell you this; I will fight this Blight and I will win. I will win because it is what Tamlen would want from me, and I would expect no less from him if our roles were reversed.

"Where I go, I will remember the face of our fallen hunter always, and keep him with me. I implore that you all do the same as well. Tonight there will be many tears shed for him, but tomorrow, tomorrow should be a day to reflect upon his life and all of the good he brought us. Tamlen will be avenged against the darkspawn, of that I promise with all of my heart.

"Tonight I leave this clan, possibly for good. Tonight will mark the first night of my journey for retribution."

The elves stared back at her, hope glimmering in their eyes amidst the pain and sadness. Aerianes could see pride shining in Ashalle's and Marethari's eyes. It helped to ease her anxiousness and brought her to realize that leaving the clan was what was best. It really was her duty to protect her Dales at any cost. The cost for her would be to never see them again. It hurt. She was losing so much in the course of only a few days; all she ever knew really. But it was time. It was time to grow up and begin thinking of the thousands of others she now needed to protect.

'But Tamlen...I will always keep you with me. I won't let you down. I'm sorry I never told you how I really felt about you. We could have made the clan proud...'

She sucked in her breath and heaved a sigh that told Paivel she was finished speaking. He nodded and had a hunter bring out Tamlen's sword that was so delicately wrapped in the golden cloth. When a hunter passed, the cloth was draped over their left shoulder when they are buried. It is said that the cloth is blessed by the gods themselves, and it will contain the elf's soul until they come for them. Today, the cloth was wrapped about the blade of the long sword. It was covered in delicate elvish wording that Aerianes could not recognize. It was the language of the Arlathan times that was never lost to them. Slowly, the hunter placed the sword in the grave dug for it. He chanted a small prayer and started to fill the grave with the loose earth.

This time, Aerianes cried without hiding it. Her tears hot as they streamed down her face. She wiped at them and saw Duncan in the corner of her eye. He stood stoic, respectful of the elves and their traditions. She had yet to know a human who in any way held their kind in high esteem, and yet here he was. He turned to her and bowed slightly, his arms crossed in front of his chest; it was the sign of respect in these lands, and Aerianes was grateful for it. She looked around, taking in her clan one more time, and began to take her leave.

"A very strong choice of words," Duncan acknowledged. "I do believe that you will live up to you word. And I think that Tamlen would have been very proud."

Aerianes nodded grimly. She noticed two packs at the warrior's feet - supplies for the journey, no doubt - and picked one up, slinging it over her shoulder. She turned to her clan one last time and saw that they were watching her now, eyes filled with sorrow at her leaving. The keeper bowed to her one last time, the rest followed.

However, there was one elf who refused to moved. Merrill stood still, staring daggers at the hunter. She huffed and walked off without a word.

That brought a smile to Aerianes's lips. At least in the midst of all this sorrow and loss, there was still room for petty rivalries. She laughed to herself and turned to Duncan, motioning them to leave. He nodded and led her away from the clan, and into her new life as the sun was beginning to peak over the horizon...