"K so, we're gonna have a landsmeet," said Arl Eamon.
"Like, right now?" I asked him. Zevran had just put me down. I made him carry me all through the house because the maids didn't have time to scrub the floor before I got back from the alienage. "I don't think I'm ready to present myself to my future subjects in this state." I was looking fairly kawaii as usual, but I was wearing really big warrior armor that didn't show off my hot bod, and I hadn't reapplied makeup in over two hours, and I stank like elves ew.
"No, we're going to start in a bit," said Arl Eamon. "I think you need to talk to Nora before we start in a bit anyway, and clearly I would never make you go out in public without looking your best."
"OMFG ARE YOU SAYING I LOOK BAD? THAT IS VERY RUDE YOU RUDE SHEM! HOW RACIST AGAINST HALF-ELVES!" I screamed sexily, pouting a little in case I really didn't look good.
"Ravena-babealicious, you look dashin as usual," Ali-bear said hunkishly yet soothing from the corner.
"Aw thank you Alibaby," I said, blowing him a kiss.
"So are you going to go talk to Nora now?" asked Arl Eamon.
"OMFG I HATE THAT BITCH!" I yelled. "WHAT A FLAMING PREP! Seriously though, can't I like send Zev or someone? I don't think I can handle talking to an inferior being like a blood mage at the moment. I need to surround myself by only the most beautiful people in preparation for the landsmeet."
"Ravena, my dark princess, maybe we should do what Arl Eamon asks," Ali suggested from his corner.
I was shocked by his audacity. My face formed a look of horror and chagrin. "Alistair, are you saying what I think you're saying?" I asked. Tears started forming in my clear, sparkling blue eyes. He only wanted to talk to Nora because he liked her curvacious bod. He was going to betray me for that grade C- whore, I just knew it!
Arl Eamon totally made me go talk to Nora, so I strutted sexily down the hallway to visit her and her inappropriate boob window dress. Ali insisted on coming with me, which could only be a bad sign, and I brought Zev too so he could do the talking. Nora gave me a sweet-but-totally-fake smile as I walked in. Ali-bear smiled back, so I kicked him in the shin to knock him out of it before he got seduced by her blood magic. I looked at Nora with a cool stare.
"I have a deal to propose," Nora said preppishly. I didn't say anything, but she kept on talking anyway. I don't know why people always try to talk at me when clearly I don't want to listen. "There are a lot of people who actually like me, you know."
"That's hard to believe," I said softly, and Zevran said it louder to Nora.
"Well, like it or not, it's true, and if you want to have your voice heard in the landsmeet, you're going to need my help." Nora continued.
"No one needs help from a BLOOD MAGE!" I laughed hotly. "Besides, I am so beautiful that I could convince the entire landsmeet to side with me, no matter what you say. Even with your blood magic, you are no match for my sex appeal."
Nora laughed at me, which was totally rude because only I'm allowed to laugh at people. "There's only one way that I'll agree to give you my support at the landsmeet," she said. "Whatever," I said, but she kept talking again she should really stop doing that. "If you let me have the throne, I'll give you my support. You know full well that neither you nor Alistair have any prior experience with ruling, and the people trust me more than a silly Grey Warden."
"Ha ha ha," I said maturely. "You need special royal blood to sit on the throne, like Alistair's, and your blood is gross and brown like poo because you're a blood mage. So joke's on you, you can't be the queen no matter how hard you try."
"There is one way..." said Nora, and she flashed a seductive glance in Ali-bear's direction. Was the blood mage shemlen nug humping F- grade whore trying to make a pass at my soon-to-be husband, future king of Ferelden, who will die tragically and gothically in my arms in the deep roads?
"If I marry Alistair, I could become the queen."
I think the whole world went silent then, or it could be that I was deafened by the bloodlust ringing in my ears. Everything went in slow motion. My mind reeled, and my vision went red, all focusing on my source of hate: that F- whore Nora. I couldn't control myself, my full sexy rage was revealed, and I drew my greatsword and lunged. At the last moment, I stopped myself, remembering that I could totally kill that whore in front of all of Ferelden tomorrow in the landsmeet, which would be way more humiliating and also her blood would get all over her best clothes, instead of just her regular clothes. But I still needed to punish her.
There was another elf in the room, besides Zevran. It was that loser who told me she was locked in the dungeon in the first place, and started the whole mess! In fact, if it weren't for Nora's whore elf slave, Ali wouldn't have dark betrayal thoughts in his mind and he wouldn't have seen Nora's sexxy bod at all! I killed her instead of Nora, spilling her dirty elf blood all over the room, and then I made Zevran carry me out of the room so I didn't touch any of it.
Zev put me down outside the door, which I locked and didn't let anyone touch it until next morning at the landsmeet. Nora could sit there and look at her dead elf slave all night and think about what she'd done in her time-out corner. I was feeling angry and frumpy and almost unsexy - I needed to change that before the landsmeet took place. I needed the people of Ferelden to see me for who I truly am - a kind and gracious queen, whose intellect is only barely eclipsed by her beauty and grace.
There was only one way to prepare. I sent Zev with an order to kill all of the elf children slaves residing in Arl Eamon's estate. Their blood was drained and I used it to bathe. Nothing made me feel stronger than dipping my shimmering, perfect body into a pool of the fresh blood of virgins. Their prematurely ended lives imbued me with verve and power. I invited Ali to bathe with me, but for some reason he declined. It was all the same, I thought. I knew his thoughts were unpure now; he was on his way to betraying me, and this seemed like a sure sign. My last test was only to present him with that grade F whore who started it all, Isabella the Queen of Pirate Whores, and see if there was the same lustful, primal, fiery desire in his bright, youthful, soothing, eye-catching eyes... but that was for another day.
I sunk deeper into the bath, closing my eyes and breathing in the air of victory. My only purpose today was winning that landsmeet, and ensuring my place as Queen of Ferelden. So that Alistair and I could become King and Queen of Ferelden and die romantical gothically in each other's arms.
The time was near at hand.
