Timing is Everything
Chapter 4
I went to sleep that night with more questions than answers. How could I keep from letting Charlie down? Would I be unhappy staying in Forks next year? For the indefinite future? If I did stay, would it be for Jacob? Was my freak out at dinner because I wasn't over Edward? If I'm not, is that fair to Jacob? To put it simply, I didn't sleep much.
When I had nodded off I was tormented by an awful dream. Jacob and I were exploring some woods by Charlie's. All of a sudden the sun disappeared, blocked by the canopy of trees. Little light filtered down through the leaves. Everything was wet. The ground was unusually soft. I could feel the water soaking though my shoes. There was a gray mist, so thick that I couldn't see my feet below my ankles. When I looked up Jacob was gone. Four sets of disembodied, dark, eyes stared out at me from the black spaces between the trees. Hungry? I was awoken by the sound of howling in the distance, and Edward's anxious voice saying my name over and over.
Bella! Bella!
I thought my "dark era" was over. It was 3:23 a.m. All bad thoughts were out of my head as I bolted straight up in bed. By now I only vaguely recollected my dream. My holey t-shirt was drenched in sweat, my hair sticking up and out in all directions. I put my feet to the hard cold wood floor, shivering. I selected new, dry clothes from my drawers, a pair of flannel pants and a University of Arizona sweat shirt. Combing fingers through my hair, I walked to my bedroom door headed for the bathroom to splash water on my face. It was then that I noticed the change in the air pressure and the temperature in my room. My bedroom door rattled on its hinges. I turned on the overhead light. The sheer yellow curtain covering my window billowed out like a phantom. The door rattled again. I went to the window and looked outside. All was quiet and dark. Without another thought, I closed the window, turned off my overhead light and bundled up in the blankets again.
I knew I hadn't opened the window. I could not even consider what this could mean. He was gone. He'd never have left my window open. He moved like the wind itself. If he were back he wouldn't hide from me. Maybe I'd opened it in my sleep? To prevent future injuries, I thought, I should keep it locked. If any one were capable of falling out of their own window sleep walking, it was me. It was 3:30 a.m. I lay awake until it was time to get up and dressed for school.
I fell asleep in calculus. I dragged my feet through gym. I laid my head on the table through lunch period, drowning out the sound of voices all around me. The murmuring made one undistinguishable noise. There was no single identifiable voice. Chairs squeaked, silverware scrapped plates, laughing in the distance- all in unison. A chorus of sound. I might was well have been dead to the world, left to walk in my silence among the indefatigable chorus in my own personal purgatory.
"You okay?"
The question didn't register.
"Bella. I asked if you're okay."
I opened my eyes at the sound of my name. Rocking my head slowly, back and forth my cheek still against the table I nodded "No".
"You look pale. I mean even more then usual."
It was Mike talking to me.
"Let's get you to the nurse," he said, helping me up from my chair. We walked in silence for awhile. "I'll call my mom from the office. One of us will cover for you tonight. You look bad."
Mike had one good skill. Exaggeration. Unfortunately when I finally did get a look at myself I realized that Mike had been kind, not excessive.
I was able to convince the nurse that she didn't need to call Charlie and I could get myself home, which I did. I went to the kitchen; phoned Mrs. Newton, who assured me that everything was fine and that someone would cover my shifts for tonight and tomorrow. I thanked her and went to bed. It was 1:15.
There was a knock at the door.
"Yeah," I asked barely conscious.
"Bella." It was Charlie. "Jacob's here. I told him you came home sick today but he'd like to see you if you're up to it."
"Just a minute dad," I said untangling myself from the blankets. "Tell him I'll be right down," I said moving slowly. Stiff.
"You should get some rest Bells."
"I know," I said putting my feet to the floor and getting out of bed. "And I will. I'm just going to talk with him for a minute or two," I said pulling my sweatshirt over my head and grabbing socks to put on my feet.
Charlie's steps down the stairs were slow and when I head his voice again, this time speaking to Jacob, it was a muffled bass. I went downstairs. Jacob was sitting on the end of the couch, Charlie in his chair. I sat on the opposite end of the couch and brought my knees up to my chest holding them there with both my arms. Jacob spoke first.
"I'm sorry Bells. I stopped by your work but your boss said you were out sick."
I nodded my head. As you can see.
"I was wondering if you'd mind if I tinkered around with your truck. I'm gonna see if I can find that leak," he asked wrinkling his nose. "Didn't want to work on it without your permission."
I nodded again. "I don't mind, Jake."
"I'll have it all back together by the end of the night. So you can use it tomorrow," he assured. "Promise."
"It's okay. I don't know if I'll be well tomorrow anyway," I said my voice cracking from congestion.
"Alright then. I'll get outta here and see what I can do. It'll be all set tomorrow," he said again. He held out his hand to help me up. "You should get back to bed," he said his mouth a straight line, pulling me from the couch. Jacob followed me to the foot of the stairs.
"You're cute when you're groggy," he whispered then kissing the top of my head.
"You're cute when you're fixing my truck," I whispered back, voice cracking again, trying to make a joke.
"You just go get better so I can take you out this weekend," he insisted.
With that Jacob went outside and I went back to bed.
I sweated through Friday, sleeping most of the day, waking only periodically to take cold medication conveniently designed to knock me back out. That night my sinus pressure started to relieve, draining and some of my energy was returning. I called Jake to let him know that I was recovering and I'd be up to doing something on Saturday if he hadn't already made other plans. Jacob asked me to pick him up. "My Rabbit is in pieces again," he said mocking a whine.
"Maybe you need to find other things to do rather than taking it apart," I joked.
"I'll get to work on that right away," he flirted back. "Oh, by the way," Jake said. "There's no leak in your truck."
"I know." Not sure why I know, but I know. "See you tomorrow around noon?" I asked.
"Sounds good," he said before hanging up.
Saturday morning the sun was peeking its way through billowy white clouds. No gray. No rain. A promising day. When I arrived at the Black's house, Jacob had me bring my truck around to the back to his "garage". I tried helping him load the bikes into the bed of the truck but Jake just waved me off, laughing a little. I felt useless standing there as Jake, seemingly without much effort, loaded the bikes one by one into the bed of the truck. I alternated wrapping my arms around myself and standing casually with my hands in my pockets. After having been in bed the last day and a half, I didn't have the patience to stand around.
Jacob marched around the yard when he'd finished, stretching his arms after loading the truck. I noticed for the first time Jacob's muscular physique. His arms were lean, his musculature well defined. I laughed quietly to myself for my next thought. He must be working out. I shook my head discreetly, hoping Jacob didn't see, not wanting to share these thoughts. Cliché.
"Well, we're ready to roll," he announced opening the driver's side door for me to climb in. He closed the door as I reached for my seat belt. "Be right back," Jacob said before disappearing in a blur.
He's always doing that. Jake appeared again not a minute later, carrying in his hand an oversized brown paper bag, the top rolled down onto itself.
"There's something I've been wanting to tell you," he said getting into the Chevy, throwing me a serious stare. Before I could respond, he reached across the cab of the truck creeping closer to me. He put his left hand on the back of my neck while placing the other on my knee. His grip gentle. His skin rough and calloused. Moving quickly, as though not to loose momentum he kissed me. My head spun for a moment. Jacob's kisses were so uncontrolled, eager, though I was beginning to wonder if this ability was limited to the confines of my truck cab. I couldn't deny that his physical confidence was appealing. Jacob acted as though he were two people. He could be shy and coy but when he wanted something, attention, he could be very persuasive. "That's all I've wanted to say," he said pulling away. "I'm glad you're better. I've missed you," he said smiling, cupping my cheek with his hand. I closed my eyes and leaned my face into his palm. His hands were so warm. He was radiant.
Jacob suggested we drive toward First Beach. He said there were trails there that we could use for the bikes, "and are relatively straight," he continued with a concerned look out the corner of his eye. Jacob sat back as I drove. His body language, relaxed.
"What's in the bag," I asked.
"A few essentials."
"You're not going to tell me, I get it," I flirted, pretending to be jilted.
"Some things are worth waiting for," is all he said as I pulled to the side of the road.
We walked the bikes down the trails to the beach. There, sitting on benches of drift wood, were some La Push kids. I recognized Quil and Embry without introduction. Jared and Paul I had seen from a distance and knew from Jacob's stories. Quil caught sight of us emerging from the trail. Jacob stopped and propped up his bike. He then took my bike from me and did the same. "Let's say 'hi', real quick and then we'll get going," he said reaching for my hand.
"Takin' 'er for a test drive I see," Quil said looking at me as he punched Jake in the shoulder. I bit my lip and turned my face away so as not to glare directly at Quil, resenting his remark. This isn't what I had in mind.
"Get outta here," Jacob said pushing Quil off balance, playfully but with purpose. He cleared his throat moving on from Quil's insinuation. "What are you all up to today so I'll know where to avoid you?" Jake joked, keeping things light.
"Heading up to the tide pools," Quil said, looking down as he shuffled sand back and forth with his bare feet. "Seriously though," he continued moving on from his previous embarrassment, "when you're done with the bikes you should join us. Sam and Emily are meeting up with us later. Emily'l probably have us over for dinner. I'd be fun. Bella you're welcome to come too."
"I dunno," Jacob shrugged. "We'll see," he said as I took possession of my bike again.
Jacob's motorcycle tutorial was brief, it if could even be called that. I think he took for granted how good he was at certain things, or how uncoordinated I was at most things. I'm not sure which. He pointed and said words like, "clutch", "break" and "accelerator". I heard him use verbs like "punch", "push" and "roll". I tried putting these ideas together attempting to ignore the racing of my heart.
THUD….THUD….THUD….
"You okay?" Jacob asked smiling excitedly.
"Yeah," I answered. An automatic response, attempting to ignore my anxiety.
"Alright then," he said jump starting my bike.
thud…thud…thud…thud…thud…
The vibration of the bike reverberated through my whole body. "I'll take this slow," Jacob yelled over the sound of the engine. He jumped up once and his engine sputtered to life. Still the beating of my heart was louder then the rumbling of the twin engines.
thud..thud..thud..thud..thud..thud..
Jacob looked back at me with a smile. I smiled back and nodded. Suddenly Jake's bike took off leaving a cloud of sand swirling in the air behind him.
All went quiet except for the sound of my blood rushing through my veins. There were no rumbling engines. Then out of nothing a voice.
Don't do this.
I lifted one foot from the ground and searched with my hand for the accelerator.
Please!
His voice was yelling now, saying incoherent things. I sped forward. Jacob was nowhere in sight. I'd been left behind, without a clue as to what I was doing other than going faster and faster, uncontrollable.
Why are you doing this?
My hands numbed and Edward's rage washed over me in a spill of confusion, then all went black.
THUD….THUD….THUD….
I came to with Jacob standing over me.
"Bella! Bella!"
Bella! Bella!
There was no more rumbling of engines. Looking around I could see my bike on the trail, several yards away. I was laying flat on my back, arms out at my sides.
"Are you okay?" Jacob asked crouching down next to me.
Please be okay. Please get up.
"Yeah, what happened?"
"You dumped your bike," Jacob frowned. "This is my fault. I shouldn't have taken off before you. I'm sorry."
He's apologizing again, I thought. "No Jake, it's not your fault that I'm vehicularly challenged," I said, not even sure if I was making sense.
"Well, you seem alright, other then taking the spill. I wasn't sure if you'd hit you head."
My hands flew up to examine myself. Intact.
"Ooh," Jacob said sucking in air between his teeth in a grimace. "You've got a bit of road rash on your arm there," he said pointing to my left forearm.
"A long sleeved t-shirt should cover that," I said, considering hiding the evidence from Charlie.
"Do you think you can get up?" Jacob asked.
"Um, yeah. My head's fine."
You should lie down.
"Get up. Lie down," I said in a tantrum. "Not like I a need a neck brace," I said wiping dirt and gravel from my arm, checking for bleeding.
"Okay," Jacob said confused for a moment as I remembered I should refrain from responding to the voice in my head, "but we should get you a helmet," Jacob suggested holding his hand out to help me up off the ground. He stood me up on my feet holding my shoulders in both his hands.
"Feel dizzy?" he asked.
"No," I said in a low voice, "but I think I'm done for the day," I said pointing to the bike still laying on the trail. I took a step, rocking on the balls of my feet. Jacob grabbed my shoulder again and I stood still to keep from losing my balance.
"Don't take this personally Bells," he paused to scoop me into his arms, "but I'll be carrying you out of here today."
I sighed. "I think I'm okay," I said in protest.
"I know. I love your brain and I know you think you're okay, but this make me feel better," he said a satisfied look across his face.
I complied but still thought it was reasonable that I was a little off kilter after the fall I'd just taken. He carried me to the truck in near silence. His breathing never strained. Never breaking a sweat, though he smelled naturally like musk. "Jacob, will you tell me now what was in the bag?" I asked.
"It's silly really," Jacob said nearly frowning. He was becoming Shy Jacob again.
"Is that why you didn't want to tell me earlier, because you thought it was silly?"
"Ah, yes and no. To tell the truth, I got distracted after we ran into Quil and well I forgot about it," he said as we were reaching the road. His mouth turned down when he said Quil's name. "I'm going to set you down in the truck and run back to get the bikes. Please just wait here," he said while opening the passenger side door and sitting me down. "You'll wait for me here?" Jacob asked again waiting for my confirmation. I had to admit, I liked that fact that Jacob never assumed that I was just going to follow orders. I didn't want to seem difficult but I didn't want to be a push over either.
"Yes, I'll wait here," I agreed. "But I want to see what's in that bag." Now it was a compromise. Jacob nodded and then disappeared.
The bikes were loaded into the truck in no time. Jacob didn't even seem phased by the exertion, running up and down the trail to retrieve the bikes. He took the driver's seat and looked at me cautiously. "Do you mind if I drive?" he asked.
"No," I said looking at the floor frustrated by the feeling of uselessness. I didn't want to be a pushover or difficult, but I did draw the line at useless.
"I think I want to go home," I said, still staring at my feet. I could feel Jacob's face change as he registered what I'd said. I'd made him sad.
"Home, really? Is this about driving because I-"
"It's not that, Jake. I think I just need to be alone for a little while. I could meet up with you later."
"Everyone's going to Emily's or Harry and Sue's tonight. I thought were could spend some time at my place, unless you wanted me to come by your house later."
"Could you make it over to my place later?" I asked as Jacob started the engine.
"Well, I could drop you at home now and then come back by later. It'd be easier then going back to my place to drop the bikes and then…" he said trailing off, knowing that I understood his meaning.
"Yeah, that'd be fine, I guess."
I needed some serious time to think. I couldn't tell Jake what I was thinking. It would hurt his feelings. Edward's voice came out of nowhere. I had no intention of hearing him again. I was, after all moved on. Recently, I had felt like I had been forgetting what his voice sounded like. My memories were becoming hazy. I needed to make sense of this afternoon. Jacob and I agreed that he'd come by around 5:00. It was barely 2:30 now. I needed to work this out and only had a short amount of time to do it.
I tried laying on the couch for a while. I could never get comfortable in the living room, aside from when watching TV. I needed a moment of reflection though so I went up to my room and sat on my bed. The air was crisp and fresh. I could smell the rain coming. The smell was beginning to grow on me. Spring rains made the air smell earthy, like Jacob. The sound was comforting. I just needed to get used to perpetually feeling soggy and I just might make it in Washington, I thought pulling my knees up to my chest.
I searched my head for feelings. There were a few kicking around. I missed the emotional rushes of the past couple of weeks. I missed the irregularity of my pulse. My breathing becoming unpredictable. I reveled in the anxiety, in latent feelings that both seemed natural and exciting. Now nothing. I felt like I'd cut myself off from all feelings for the time being. I wasn't sad, happy, hopeful or lustful. I was about as close to nothing as I could be. Was this complacency?
I recalled again the smell of rain as it began gently tapping again my window. The curtain billowed faintly in the breeze. My heart jumped into my chest, breathing shallow. So much for complacency. Had Charlie been in here? Had he randomly decided to air out the house? It wasn't impossible and was a reasonable explanation. The weather had been nice today. Had I left the window open myself? I couldn't recall opening it but then again the other night… I drew in a very deep breath remembering my decision to lock the window. Realizing only now that I'd forgotten to follow through. He may have decided to leave me but something was starting to become clear. He couldn't intrude but maybe he wanted me to know that he was around. Being indirect was very Edward-like. Though I could justify his presence, I hadn't processed exactly how I felt about it. This was all speculation anyway, I told myself.
Overall I was confused. I hadn't even figured out my feeling from dinner with Charlie in Port Angeles on Thursday. Slowly a hole began to open in my chest. I lay on my side on the bed and considered my feelings for Edward. Ultimately I knew that I just didn't understand Edward's rejection. That is where all these hurt feelings stemmed. How could he go from insisting on birthday presents and showering me with attention regardless of how uncomfortable it made me feel only to walk me out in the woods to tell me he didn't love me and that he was leaving? None of that made sense. My hallucinations were they real hallucinations? Did I just want Edward to care for me? That would answer my questions about his rejection but not about him leaving. Edward didn't have the strength to make me be like him but he couldn't stand to watch me get older. The emptiness started to fill as I came to these conclusions. I laughed at myself for all these bizarre thoughts. Vampires breaking into my bedroom to watch me sleep. To snoop around when I was out on a date. Well, it'd happened before. In all likelihood I'd opened my own window, forgotten and now it's led me to the conclusion that Edward leaving was for the best. Jacob was my safe harbor. He didn't want to wrap me in bubble wrap and save me from the world. A human world. He wanted to experience it with me. That made me happy again and I drifted to sleep. 3:17.
