Chapter 4
As I approached the village, a familiar black wolf came out to greet me.
"You're going to have to phase back before you can come in. Most of the people in this village aren't actually aware of us, and I'd hate to cause a panic." Sam's voice was still completely calm.
In my mind I had a vision of angry people with torches and pitchforks.
"Yeah, something like that Benjamin." A rare flash of humor radiated from Sam.
"How do I turn back?" I was uneasy. "What if I can't?!"
"All you have to do is calm down. Control your breathing, and visualize what you look like."
I closed my eyes. I tried to slow down my breathing, taking in large breaths through my nose and then out through my mouth. I could feel the fire cooling. I imagined the image of myself in the mirror. I heard cracking and popping, like the sound of bones being broken and remolded. It didn't hurt though.
"Well done Benjamin." I opened my eyes. Sam stood in front of me again, not the wolf he was a few moments ago. He wore an expression like that of a proud father. He threw me some clothes. I was happy that they were familiar clothing: cargo shorts and a t-shirt. "Come eat with us Ben."
My hunger became very apparent then. My stomach growled so loudly that I was worried that I had changed back. I quickly checked to make sure that my hands were still…well…hands. I followed Sam to the Clearwater's home. I could smell all the wonderful aromas. We were almost to the stairs when I heard a voice yell out.
"BENNNNNNYYYYY-BOOOOOOYYYYYYY!" I looked up to see Seth with a grin bigger than I had ever seen.
"H-hi, Seth." My voice was a little shaky, and I was far from the excitement that his expressed.
"So how was it? Awesome huh?" His mood was unflappable.
"I'm not sure I'm ready to characterize it that way." I said. My eyes followed the ground.
"Don't worry man, it's awesome once you get used to it!"
"Why don't we continue this inside?" Sam said, interrupting Seth's further rambling. "I'm sure that Benjamin is hungry."
Thank God for Sam.
We entered the small cabin. Inside, nearly twenty people were crammed in like sardines. Despite my normal attitudes toward social situations, I felt unusually comfortable. I scanned the room looking for the person I didn't want to see just yet, but mom was nowhere to be found. I sighed in relief.
I nudged Sam with my elbow. "Is everyone here…you know…like us?"
Before Sam could answer, Seth interrupted. "No. Some of them, like my mom and Billy are just family members. We usually let close family members in on the secret when their son turns. It helps to not have to keep secrets from the family."
My stomach lurched. I looked at Sam desperately.
He looked for several minutes into my dual-colored eyes. "She knows."
My heart sank.
I bet she's angry with me. I just found out about this, how am I going to help her get through it when I can't even grasp what's going on yet.
"Why isn't she here?" My voice was trembling.
"She was upset when we told her that you had finally transformed, but she's known about this for a long time." Sam had an uneasy look on his face. He wasn't telling me something.
She knew?!
I turned around like a whirlwind and flew out the door. I had to go see her, something was wrong.
She knew about this, and didn't even tell me?! How long had she known? Why hadn't she come to see if I was alright? This wasn't like her. We didn't keep secrets from each other.
I ran at full speed down the long dirt road. I ran, ignoring everything around me. I ran so fast that tears were welling up in the corners of my eyes. I was floating: it felt like my feet weren't even touching the ground. Our cabin quickly came into view.
It was quiet. The cabin was dark; there were no lights on. I slowed down to a halt. My hand was shaking as I placed it onto the screen door. For once, I was hoping for the nagging to start. No such luck.
Inside was dark, but I could see as perfectly as I could if it were day. I looked around and saw nothing out of place.
"Mom?" I called out, listening hard. No response.
I searched the house frantically; she wasn't here. I went back into her room.
It was empty. All of her stuff was gone. The only thing that remained was the side table where she kept whatever book she was reading at the time. On the table was a note.
It was written on an elaborate piece of paper. It was the heaviest thing I had ever tried to lift. When I did something clanged onto the floor, I didn't look. I read the note:
My Dear Benjamin,
I'm sorry that I had to say this to you in this way, but I am not as strong as I thought I could be. By now, Sam has explained to you what is happening. You have finally reached the point that I dreaded: you have changed into a wolf. I do not fully understand how this works, but I don't think I want to. I needed to tell you the truth. Your father is not dead.
I was stunned momentarily, but I kept reading.
Your father went through the same changes that you are going through now. We married very young. He was a proud member of the Quileutes. It came as a shock to many that he married outside the tribe. We were shunned by some for what they believed was an offense. We decided to leave after I got pregnant with you. We didn't want you to suffer through their criticisms. We lived happily for three years.
About the time you were two, your father became violent. He was going through strange changes and couldn't handle himself. One night his temper got out of control, and he changed just like you did tonight. I was so scared when he tore out of the house and never came back. I tried to find him, but I never saw him again. No one had seen him. It was like he disappeared. I tried to pretend that I had imagined it. I made up the story of his death so that I didn't have to involve you. Unfortunately, I couldn't keep you away from what was inevitable. I was too weak.
After your father left, I knew that there was always a chance that you might too. You never did. You became everything I loved about him and more. When you started acting the same way he was before he changed, I started to panic. I came up to the reservation demanding some answers. Finally, I met Sam and Billy. They explained everything about what was going on. Sam asked me to move you up here so that he could help you through the transition. I had never planned to stay. Listen to me when I say that he is here to help you.
I love you Benjamin. You have been my world, the only thing that kept me going all these years. I wanted to be there for you, but I'm not strong enough. The more you grow, the more I see him in you. It hurts too much. I'm sorry that I can't be stronger for you Ben. Don't be like me and your father; don't run from your challenges. Face what fate has brought to you like I know you can. You have always been so strong, that is why I know that I can be selfish and leave you on your own. I love you Ben, but please don't try to look for me. Maybe in time I will gain the strength to come back, but for now I can't bear it.
I will love you every moment for eternity,
Mom
Under her name, she had kissed the page with bright red lipstick. It was her signature, the one that adorned every birthday card and present she had ever given me.
There was something scribbled on the bottom.
P.S. This was the only thing I had left from your father. It was his, and I hope that it will give you some comfort.
I remembered the clanking noise from when I opened the letter. On the floor was a small metal object. A pewter wolf face attached to length of cord. I hugged the gift and the letter and cried. I hadn't cried for years. I couldn't think of anything else that might help stop the hurt. The burning-debilitating pain of my first phase became nothing but an itch to what I felt now. I phased out of distress.
Outside I could hear the call drifting over the trees. The mournful howls of the wolf brethren that suddenly shared all my feelings shook the night.
