Session 3: In Which Family Trees Are Climbed

We see a weary Carletta preparing for another chaotic session with our Losties. Her bun has been taken down, so she loosely ties it back and sprays perfume on herself. Inside the cabin, the noisy atmosphere makes her cringe but she enters it anyway...

Carletta: Howdy folks. How are you all?

Claire: Well, Charlie's hogging the drugs, how do you think I'm doing?! *tries to tackles Charlie unsuccessfully*

Carletta: Ok. Where's the A-Team? By that, I mean...

Miles: Yeah, we get it. You mean, Kate, Jack, Sawyer, Sayid and Locke. Sheesh! You act like we're not important too. *sighs, then proceeds to drink heavily*

Carletta: Am I sensing some unresolved bitterness in the way certain characters are treated as opposed to others?

Everyone: YES!!

Charlie: To answer your question, Kate and Sawyer are 'canoodling', Jack's talking to Sayid about a very cunning plan and Locke's either hunting, talking to the sand...no, trees...no, island...I dunno. *shrugs*

Carletta: Well, that screws everything up. I had a great session planned for today.

Ben: Oh, did we screw it up? Are we so unimportant that we disturb your plans, O Mighty One? *high fives Charlie for his quick wit*

Carletta: No, it's just that the A-Team is more screwed up than the rest of you. Well, maybe with the exception of you, Ben. Can I talk to you about Alex?

Ben: If you *sob* must *sob*

Carletta: Now, I'm sure we'd all like to know how you really felt about Alex. At times, your feelings were confusing. You acted like you didn't care, what's the deal with that? *stares at Ben as the lights lower*

Ben: I loved her! She was, in my eyes, my own daughter. What more can I say?

Alex: This guy really pisses me off. Why'd you say you didn't then, daddy? *glares*

Rousseau: And how come, just as I was getting to know my daughter, I was brutally murdered? HUH?

Ben: I can answer all these questions, just as soon as I return from the...erm...little boy's room! *dashes out of the room*

*Everyone waits for about five minutes*

Carletta: *Coughs nervously* He's not coming back, is he?

Alex: Nope. That's daddy for ya!

Carletta: What a coward! *sigh* Ok, let's explore...oh wait, he's gone...well, we could always...no, she's out too. Miles.

Miles: *leaps out of his seat* Oh now you're paying attention to me! Earlier on, when I blackmailed Ben you took no notice but just because...Meh. I can't really be bothered to finish my rant.

Charlie: Good. Frankly, no one actually cares.

Miles: Oh, OH! That's how it is, is it? Well, monkey boy, I may just not summon you from the dead when you die. *turns away to sulk*

Claire: I thought you could only speak to the dead? God, this is sooo confusing!

Daniel: This. Is. Lost!

Charlotte: True as that may be, Dan, we're not interested in your acting skills.

Daniel: But, b-but...I was going to...Never mind.

Carletta: *clears her throat, annoyed* As I was saying, Miles, you got daddy issues, don't you?

*The cabin door smashes and Jack comes flying in, somehow magically landing on his seat, unhurt. Well, this is Lost after all...*

Jack: Sorry. Kate catapulted me in when she heard someone saying 'daddy issues'.

Miles: You're too late! She started with me first! Ha-ha! *proceeds to choke on a cookie* Oh my God, I'm going to end up talking to myself aren't I? Oh, the irony. *dies*

*Jack gets down and starts pumping the life back into him. Kate comes rushing in, sees what's going on, rushes back out. Ben quietly slips back in, avoiding Alex and Rousseau's angry glares*

Carletta: Can we not have at least one death free session?

Daniel: Well, according to my calulations...

Everyone: DAN!?!

Daniel: ... no.

Carletta: Honest to God, I might just end up strangling someone. *glares at Shannon, who glares back* Ok, to settle the argument, I'm going to go with someone neutral. Penny.

Penny: Ooh, yay! I get a turn. *claps hands gleefully*

Carletta: If anyone has daddy issues, it's you. You have an evil, psychotic man for a father. What was he like when you were a little girl?

Penny: Not too bad, in all honesty. I just don't see how all my boyfriends magically disappeared...

Desmond: Penny...

Penny: What? They just disappeared!

Desmond: Erm...never mind.

Carletta: Was he as controlling and manipulative as he is now?

Ben: BOO YEAH!

*silence*

*More silence*

*Yes, yet more silence*

Ben: W-what?

Juliet: For the sake of all humanity, I beg you never to say that again. Ever.

Sawyer: Yeah, you tell him babe!

*Everyone turns to stare at Sawyer*

Juliet: Where in God's name did you go? I swear your seat was just empty a moment ago.

Ben: *in an effort to be more like Locke* The seats on this island are never empty.

Sawyer: I was with Ka- *catches sight of Juliet's furious face* Kat.

Juliet: Who, may I ask, is Kat?

Sawyer: My pet treefrog! *smiles proudly*

Hurley: Dude, didn't you squash that thing?

Sawyer: I swear to God, dough boy, you are out to get me.

Carletta: Ok, it seems like we've covered every single issue *but* family.

Walt: I've got a family issue. What would one do if, say, their father murdered two women in an effort to rescue you? I'm not talking about me, by the way.

Charlie: Riiiiiiight.

Michael: WAAAAAAALLLLLT. You gotta understand, I did it for you! For God's sake, my season two script was visibly shorter than everyone else's! In fact, it consisted of about one line! I got paid less! All for you!

Walt: *not impressed* Well, you can't pay for my therapy sessions then. I'll be messed up forever.

Carletta: What do you call this then? An alcoholics anonymous meeting?

Walt: *Under his breath* It might as well be.

Jack: Oi! What are you insinuating, you little minx?

Carletta: *raises an eyebrow* Insinuating?

Sawyer: *sniggers* Locke gave him word-of-the-day toilet paper.

Jack: I just wanted to improve my vocabulary! Is that a crime?

Carletta: Forgive me if I'm wrong, but are you trying to improve your vocabularly as a means of making your daddy proud of you?

*silence*

Jack: Mayyyyyybe.

Vincent: Woof! Woof! Woof! Moo!

Carletta: *blinks rapidly* Excuse me?

Walt: He says he's bored, then he said moo.

Sawyer: A-and that doesn't worry you, Mowgli?

Walt: Nope! He's the only family I got left on the island. *glares at Michael*

Michael: Oh not my poor boy! WAAAAAAAALLLLLT!

Sun: *Under her breath to Jin* Get the C4, I'll pin him down.

Jin: *Speaks Korean for about ten minutes* Why?

Sun: Ugh. Gonna have to explain sarcasm to him.

Jack: Can I speak about my daddy issues now?

Carletta: *stares at her watch for a loooong time* Ok. Give it to us.

Jack: Well, it all started when a couple of guys jumped Mark Silverman...

*Five and a half hours later, Charlie and Claire are asleep on each other's shoulders, Ben is lightly snoozing/trying to get close to Juliet, Daniel is crying because he's so bored and everyone else is sighing and trying to get comfortable*

Jack: ...and daddy said I should count to five! Can you believe it? He humiliated me!

Kate: I can't believe you didn't make up the whole 'count to five' story. I thought that was so sweet when we first met! *nobody seems surprised that she's popped up out of nowhere. Again, I'll use the 'it's Lost' excuse...*

Sawyer: I can't believe I just spent five hours listening to that bulls**t. I'll never get those hours back again!

Carletta: I can't believe everyone's still here.

Michael: *Looks around* Wait, there's someone missing. It's...

Ana: I swear to God if you say his name, I'll hunt you down and kick your ass!

*Sawyer goes over to her and whispers something in her ear*

Ana: Why are you telling me this?

Kate: Uh-oh, I've been here before.

Sawyer: *rolls his eyes* Not gonna happen, ladies. I wanted you to know, Ana, so you can kick his butt for all of us.

Ana: That bitch!

Jack: Here she goes again...

*Ana goes up to Michael, after being reminded that he shot her, and slaps him round the face*

Michael: *has a five minute delayed reaction* OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Sun: Well, it's an improvement on WAAAAAALLLLLLT.

Carletta: Kill me, kill me now. *glances worriedly around* I was just KIDDING!

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(Outside the Session)

Locke: I BELIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEVE IN ANGEEEEEELS!

*Sings loudly and off-key*

Locke: I HAAAAAVE A DREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!

Charlie: *Whispers* This is Jacob speaking. I want you to enter American Idol because you're singing is, erm, good! No, it's terrific, really!

Locke: *eyes fill with tears* Ok. I always knew I was special! *skips with happiness*

*Charlie and Ben share a grin before going back inside the cabin*

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Thanks for the reviews guys and gals! :DD Ok, the characters were a little OOC here, ok a lot but to be honest if they were in character, would they really be here? :D Exactly.

Next Session: In Which Sawyer Nicks Names.