So I'm just wirting this chapter out of boredom waiting for Bleach to show on Cartoon Network, so that's my excuse for the fast update.
This chapter includes a bash on a YouTube channel I discovered recently, so if you don't like that, feel free to counter-flame. I'm just trying to get them to quit.
Oh and since I'm obviously not Kishimoto Masashi or Kubo Tite, I do not own Naruto or Bleach.
Chapter 3: Mission: Orochimaru on the Loose
It had been a week since Naruto-fukutaichō had taken over as lieutenant (1) of Squad 5. In that time, he had done nothing but fill out paperwork, run around doing Ichigo's dirty work, and trying to avoid Zaraki Kenpachi, who was always trying to use him to get to a fight with Ichigo.
Finally, this had gotten on his last nerve. Having had to do this as a Genin back in the living world was bad enough, but doing this bullshit as a ranked officer was just getting ridiculous. He stormed into his captain's office, fuming.
"Can I help you?" asked Ichigo, who was clearly peeved at being interrupted in the middle of chatting up a beautiful girl with waist-length orange hair and assets bigger than Tsunade's.
"Is something wrong, Kurosaki-kun?" asked the girl.
"Nothing. Just my lieutenant getting on my nerves again," said Ichigo. "I think I'm starting to know how Byakuya feels when he's talking about Renji."
"Oh, come on," said the girl. "It can't be that bad."
"Oh, you don't even want to know," seethed Ichigo. He turned to address Naruto. "Now is there something I can do for you, or are you going to leave me and Orihime alone!?"
"Actually," he started out civilly, not wanting to see Ichigo flip out in front of this Orihime person, who looked like she was his girlfriend. Then, his emotions got the better of him and he said, "Listen up,Captain. All I've done since I started here was do paperwork, clean toilets, do your dirty laundry, and run around delivering shit. WHY DO ALL MY DUTIES SUCK SO BAD!?!?"
"Umm…" said Ichigo, clearly not perturbed at all. In fact, he looked like he had seen this coming a mile away. "Well, you see, most of the duties of a lieutenant are to take care of what I don't want to. However, I think I can give you a reprieve. I have a very important mission for you. There's been a hollow sighting in this place in the western United States, more specifically, the science building at this school. UCLA, I think it's called. Never could understand Romanization. Apparently this scientifically bent hollow that the U.S. calls Circular Monster Serpent has appeared and I need you to take care of it."
"Snake… Man…" said Naruto, mulling around the thought in his mind. It was common knowledge that maru was circle in Japanese, and that monster serpent was oroch...
'No way,' thought Naruto. 'Circular Monster Serpent… is… English for…'
"It's not possible," Naruto said aloud. "No way in hell. It has to be a mistake."
"I'm afraid not," said Ichigo. "This is why we need you to deal with this. You have fought this guy before, yes?"
"But how," asked Naruto, ignoring the question. "There is one afterlife per planet. How did that snake get here?"
"There is a single afterlife per planet, but unfortunately, there is only one Hueco Mundo in the universe," said Ichigo. "That's how Orochimaru got here. Which brings me back to my original point. Since he is from your world, it is up to you to send him to his hell."
"Me, fight Orochimaru again? I don't even know my shikai! How am I supposed to fight?"
"You won't be alone," said Ichigo. "You will be paired with someone else from your world." Ichigo stepped aside and asked Orihime to do the same. In all the commotion with Orochimaru, the two men almost forgot she was there. The most beautiful woman was revealed. She looked like Orihime, but with black hair and a shinigami outfit. Naruto swore that he had never seen this woman in his life until…
"Haku?" asked Naruto. But I thought you said you were a boy."
"On Zabuza's orders," said Haku. "If people found out that Zabuza was traveling in the company of a girl, nobody would fear him."
"But then when Sensei killed you… KAKASHI YOU PERVERT!!!"
"Whoa, calm down, the only pervert here is Hat'n'clogs," said Ichigo.
"But Sensei copped a… oh never mind. Let's go Haku," said Naruto. "Orochimaru's got a date with my blade."
About an hour, in the city of Los Angeles, two figures were running about from building to building trying to find UCLA.
One of the figures said to the other in Japanese, "Seriously, Naruto, what is it with men and asking for directions?"
"Well, let's see," said Naruto. "There are two things I will never do. Lie about my gender and ask people for directions."
"That hurt," said the woman, obviously Haku. "Hey, maybe these people know something about UCLA."
The two walked into a place that was labeled as a Cyber Café. Immediately, they were greeted by a loud commotion.
"Hey, Jake, you heard of this YouTube channel called DoubleSVideos?"
"Yeah, Zack, they really suck," said the guy Naruto assumed to be Jake. "They need some Ritalin or something."
"Yeah, and their friends over at TnSVideos look like they need a slap in the face."
"Um, excuse me," said Haku. "Could you perhaps tell me where UCLA is located?" 'Damn, I didn't even know that Kurotsuchi-taichō made English speaking gigai.'
"Anything for a hottie like yourself," said Zack.
"Shut up, you pervert," said Jake. "Don't mind him. It's three blocks then take a left. It's at the top of the hill."
"Thanks," said Haku. 'I don't even want to know what this "Hat'n'clogs" is like.'
Meanwhile, in Karakura, Japan…
"ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Um, are you alright, sir?" TsukabishiTessai asked his manager, Urahara Kisuke.
"I'm fine," said Urahara, clearly suffering from a cold. "Some cute girl is probably talking about me somewhere."
"That's 85 cute girls in the course of an hour," said Tessai. "Are you sure you are not sick?"
It hadn't taken Naruto and Haku long to reach the college, but once inside, they had to get to the science lab.
"Where do you think it is?" asked Naruto.
A loud explosion pierced the air.
"My guess is it's over there," said Haku, pointing at the explosion.
"Then what are we waiting for?" asked Naruto before bolting off.
Haku took a few seconds to swallow a Soul Candy (2) and followed.
It only took them a few seconds to find the cause of the explosion. Standing, or rather slithering, not three feet away was a hideous looking snake. It was about seventeen feet in length, had arms, and wore a hideous mask on its face. This had to be Orochimaru.
"Ah, Naruto-kun," said the beast, confirming his identity. "And Haku, the one who spared Kimimaro. (3) What a pleasant surprise. I shall enjoy eating your souls."
"Not today," said Haku, drawing her sword. "Snow, Koorikyō! (4)"
Haku's blade underwent a brilliant transformation. The hilt became a broadsword hilt with a glowing crystal, while the blade transformed into a sharpened icicle. Her blade was beautiful, but then again, all the ice blades were spectacular.
It was pretty much common knowledge in Soul Society that there were only three ice zanpakutō: Hitsugaya Tōshirō's Hyorinmaru, Kuchiki Rukia's Sode no Shirayuki, and Haku's Koorikyō.
Using her blade to recreate a reiatsu-based Crystal Ice Mirror attack, she slashed way at Orochimaru from all sides. Orochimaru, however, proved stronger. He lightly kicked Haku out of her own attack, nearly killing her.
"HAKU!!" screamed Naruto, jumping into the fray. He drew his sword and started hacking away at the hollow Orochimaru. Orochimaru proved stronger yet again, grabbing Naruto's zanpakutō and impaling him with it.
"Not this place again," said Naruto, realizing he was in the sewer where the Kyūbi dwelled.
"Naruto," said the fox. "It seems the time has come to tell you that which you require to make it in our world. My name is --."
"What?" asked Naruto. "I didn't catch that."
"You still do not understand? It is only natural. You have not yet found your resolve. Search carefully. I will not tell you again. My name is…"
Naruto stood up, showing no signs of the injury he had just received. Grasping his sword, he called out, "Rip them to shreds, Fokkusu!!! (4.b)"
Now it was his sword's turn to change. The hilt remained untouched, but the blade became a long red arm with a clawed fox paw on it.
"I don't care if you are a Sannin, Orochimaru," said Naruto. "You're still going DOWN!!!"
Now for the explanations of the numbers.
1: Lieutenant is the term which the Viz Media crew used for the English dub of Bleach. The literal translation is vice-captain, but lieutenant just sounds better and rolls off the tongue more easily.
2: Soul Candy, or gikongan (for which Kon is named), is a pill that allows a substitute soul to take over the shinigami's gigai. The reason it's called Soul Candy instead of gikongan… well… blame Yachiru. She, being the president of the Shinigami Women's Association, though gikongan was not cute enough.
3: During the Sasuke Retrieval Arc, it was shown that Kaguya Kimimaro ran into Zabuza and Haku as they were fleeing Kirigakure. They spared his life, claiming that they were not water ninja.
4 and 4b: Taken from and then run through a kanji-romanji converter, such as Monster Serpent Circle becomes Orochimaru. (That's what pissed Abarai Renji off in the beginning of the Bount Arc while they were playing Urahara's games)
And that's another one down. The new Bleach was awesome by the way. Almost true to the original.
Anyways, it seemed my message actually worked, as I managed to get three reviews for that last chapter whereas I only got one or two for the first two. Keep those reviews coming, and If I made any errors translating Orochimaru into English, please don't hesitate to say so and I will correct them.
Abarai Renji
