It's the beeping and whirring of machines that lets him know he's still alive.
"Hey, welcome back," The first face he's met with is that of Miranda Bailey.
"What happened?" Bailey is writing up charts and post-op notes, doesn't bother to look up at him when she responds,
"You were an idiot and crashed your car…do you know how terrified your wife and ex-wife are right now?" he assumes based on her tone of voice (which has a certain hint of annoyance that she carries only for he and Mark) that if she could hit him, she totally would.
"That wasn't my plan," Derek tries to sit up, only to be met with a searing pain in his chest.
"Do not move, you stubborn, stupid man; you've got four broken ribs!" Bailey has put her chart down and is now helping him attempt to move into a sitting position.
"Where are they, Meredith and Addison?" Bailey sighs; she places her hands on her hips as she stares at him.
"I may not like Meredith Grey as a person, but she's a brilliant surgeon. You two may not be married but you took vows, you made promises to this girl, she had your damn baby. Now Addison on the other hand, I like her a lot; she's nice, she smells good and she saves babies…you hurt her and she hurt you, but it's obvious that the two of you still love one another. Now, if you ask me, I don't think you deserve either one of them but that's not my call…what I will say is if you hurt my intern or my friend again, you'll have to answer to the Nazi, is that understood?" Bailey raises an eyebrow at him as Derek sighs heavily.
"That's what I wanted to talk to them about; I'm leaving them both," Bailey's eyes shoot up to look at him.
"You so damn stupid," Bailey shakes her head and sighs.
"Let me finish; I'm leaving them both because I've caused them so much pain. I love them both, I love Addison and I love Meredith, but I can't continue to hurt them, not after losing Emily and how I treated Addison,"
"And you're gonna stop hurting them how exactly?"
"I'm leaving, not forever but…for a while. That's what I was going to do before I crashed. I'd already talked to Richard about it. I wrote Meredith and Addison letters that I was gonna send them once I got to where I was going," Bailey sighs once more, pulling up a swivel seat to sit in front of Derek Shepherd.
"And exactly where in the hell were you going?"
"I never told Addison or Meredith this but, I bought a place, in Montana. I was gonna go there for a while and just…" Derek lets out a heavy sigh as his head falls back against his pillow.
"I'm gonna go get Meredith and Addison," Bailey tells him; she stands up and heads out of the room, leaving Derek alone with his thoughts.
oOo
The waiting room is quiet, the Shepherds are huddled together in groups as they wait for word on Derek. Meredith is, of course, distant, standing off to talking quietly to the side as she talks with Alex and Cristina.
"She hasn't even interacted with us," Nancy says with an eye roll as her husband Mitch squeezes her hand.
"You know Meredith's…different Nance; she didn't grow up with the closeness like you all did," Nancy sighs heavily as she continues to watch Meredith, though her eyes flicker over to Addison from time to time.
"Addie didn't grow up like we did but look at her," Nancy's head motions over to where she's sitting with Carson and Ryan, chatting with the children.
"Just because Addie gets along well with the children doesn't mean she's right for Derek," Carolyn says as Amelia shakes her head.
"I thought you and Addie were okay?" Amelia asks, causing the rest of the Shepherd sisters to look at their mother, who sighs.
"I am I just…it's going to take me a while to get over what she did to Derek. It's the reason I'm trying to give Meredith a chance since you all said I didn't give Addie a chance."
"Still mom, Meredith isn't trying-"
"And you never gave her a chance to try; what did you call her when you found out she was sleeping with Derek?"
"The dirty mistress," Nancy says primly.
"And if Meredith's a dirty mistress what does that make Mark?" Carolyn may love Mark but what he did was just as wrong and she acknowledges it.
Nancy doesn't get to respond to that question, because Miranda Bailey is walking towards them, causing both Addison and Meredith to turn before quickly making their way towards her.
"Bailey, how is he?" Meredith's eyes are full of fear and something else Addison couldn't quite place.
"He's fine; banged up and sore, but fine. He um, he wants to see both of you," Bailey says quietly as Meredith looks to Addison.
"He should see Meredith first, I'll go after she goes; she's his wife and they've been through a lot today,"
"I'll let him know," Bailey gives Addison a nod before leading Meredith towards Derek's room. Once she sits down, she's immediately bombarded with questions from the rest of Derek's family.
"He's fine, banged up but fine; he wanted to see Meredith first," And there's something about the way Addison looks that causes Carson to raise an eyebrow.
"Mom?"
"Yeah, honey?"
"Is dad really okay?" Carson has moved to sit next to her mother as she quietly asks the question.
"He's fine sweetie,"
"You're making that face,"
"What face?"
"The face you make when there's something…more that you're not saying." Addison sighs heavily and shakes her head slowly.
"Carson, your father's fine I promise,"
"But that face you're making-"
"I'm making this face because I really shouldn't be here and your father shouldn't want to see both me and Meredith,"
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not his wife anymore Carson; married people are supposed to be civil and Derek and I we're…" Carson tilts her head to the side and stares at her mother, long and hard. Suddenly, it all makes sense to her; they're still in love.
"Mom?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you remember when I asked you if there was a chance that you and dad could get back together?" Addison turns to face her daughter and tells her the biggest lie that neither one of them believes.
"Carson, your father and I aren't getting back together,"
Carson doesn't respond, but the two share a look that silently communicates that they both know that statement was a bunch of bullshit.
oOoOo
Meredith has known what was coming for quite some time now. She's felt the distance and the shift between she and Derek for years now. Her instincts had told her that Derek and Addison had unfinished business but he'd chosen her, wanted to date her, to have babies with her. Still, what he wanted, she wasn't ready for. She didn't feel good enough or worthy enough even to have those things with him. Plus, there was the feeling of being a do-over or a second choice, seeing as he'd been through all of those things with Addison already. She's so consumed in her thoughts with Derek that she runs right into a solid mass.
Otherwise known as Finn Dandridge.
"We have got to stop meeting like this," Finn's wearing that lazy smile that Meredith enjoyed so much when they were together.
"Hi,"
"How's Derek?" She doesn't miss the way he seems to bristle up at the man's name.
"I'm going to see him now actually," Finn simply gives her a nod and what's supposed to be a smile but comes off as a grimace.
"Don't let me stop you…" Finn prepares to walk away but Meredith stops him, reaches out to grab his arm.
"Finn, wait!" He turns to look at her with a hint of curiosity in his eyes as he waits for her to speak again.
"I…I don't think I'm quite ready to see Derek just yet; you wanna grab some coffee or, go over to Joe's?" Meredith looks unsure of herself and it causes Finn's stomach to do this weird flip.
"Y'know, let's not go to Joe's, but coffee is good; cafeteria still your favorite place?" and for the first time in a while, Meredith laughs.
"The cafeteria's fine," as she walks away with Finn, she doesn't notice Miranda Bailey watching her with a satisfied smile on her face. She says nothing more but simply goes back to doing her charts. Her intern is smart after all; let's hope Addison is too, but something tells Bailey she won't be.
oOo
Derek grows tired of waiting for Meredith to show and soon drifts off to sleep. When he wakes up, his eyes are a bit blurry and he only makes out the silhouette of the person standing in front of him.
"Addison?" he hears a faint chuckle that lets him know it's not her, but the other redhead in his life.
"Hey kiddo,"
"You've really got to stop doing this dad," Derek watches her as she pulls up a seat beside him, taking his hands into hers, just the way her mother would.
"I'm sorry,"
"You should be; mom and Meredith are really in love with you," and Derek would agree because the words flow on her tongue so easily but he quickly remembers who she is and who taught her this tactic and chooses his words carefully.
"Meredith is in love with me and your mother-"
"Dad cut the crap; everyone, including Meredith, knows that you and mom still have the hots for each other," Carson rolls her eyes, though there's a slight smile on her face that somehow reminds him of Mark.
"Carson…"
"I'm serious, dad! Mom won't tell me anything and you-"
"Because there's nothing to tell," Derek says as Carson sits back in her seat dejectedly.
"Why'd you do it?" Carson asks.
"Do what?"
"Why'd you start being so distant?" And for the first time in a long time, he sees his scared little girl, the one who worshiped the ground he walked on.
"I don't know Carson, I never intended for it to happen but, I got so caught up with work and wanting to be chief that…I ended up failing my family,"
"Did you talk to mom about it?" Derek sighs as he tries to sit up, though Carson is quick to help him, making sure that there are pillows properly positioned behind his head and back to make him comfortable.
"Your mother tried but I…didn't listen; did you know about the affair?" It's a totally inappropriate question but, they've already blurred the lines for Carson enough, what's one more question gonna hurt?
"Initially, no; mom tried her best to keep it from us. I knew Uncle Mark was spending way more time over than he should've. I just, it was nice having him around since you weren't here," Derek reaches out and squeezes Carson's hand in apology.
"So you didn't know then?"
"No, not at first; in fact, I really didn't find out until after the affair. Luckily Ryan and I weren't home that night but, mom did tell me she'd done something bad to make you leave. I hated her for a while until we got here,"
"What made you stop hating her when we got here?"
"I saw how much of a jerk you were, no offense,"
"Nonetaken," Derek laughs, urging her to continue; he needed to have this conversation with his kid.
"I sort of saw it here, the way you didn't really come home, the way you looked at Meredith. I started thinking about how you were in New York. Mom still didn't wanna tell me what she'd did, until I overheard a nurse talking about it while I was walking down the hall,"
"I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did,"
"You mean about mom cheating or about finding Meredith's panties in your coat pocket," the admission that she was the one to find the now infamous panties is enough to make Derek cringe.
"Both, but I'm more sorry about the panties,"
"…After that I just, I really started to hate you, because mom was a good mom and a good wife. At least, she was to me,"
"You're right, she was a good mom and a good wife and I went and messed it all up didn't I?"
"There's still a chance to redeem yourself y'know…" Carson's wearing a sly grin that reminds him of Amelia.
"Carson-"
"Hey, you and Meredith aren't technically married so…"
"We just buried Emily today…" The mention of Emily is enough to make the somewhat lightness of the room shift into something sad.
"Do you think you'll ever get over it?"
"I don't know, I hope so,"
"Hm. Hey, dad?"
"Yeah honey?"
"For what it's worth, I think you should give you and mom another chance. Everybody knows it's going to happen eventually; even Meredith knows it,"
"I've hurt Meredith and your mom far too much far too many times over the last few years…it's why I wanna leave," Carson's eyes widen at the mention of Derek leaving.
"What do you mean leave? Dad, you can't just-"
"I said I want to, but now I know I can't; I had planned on going up to Montana to this lodge I'd bought but…I really messed up Carson."
"You did, but you need to stay and clean up the mess you made because leaving will only serve to hurt them more," Derek chuckles and shakes his head.
"You sound like Bailey,"
"Dr. Bailey's right; talk to them dad, don't just run away," With that, Carson prepares to stand; she leans forward to give her father a kiss before closing the door behind her.
Derek has a decision to make; someone is going to get hurt either way, but he's hurt them enough.
It's an easy decision to make; stay with Meredith, she needs him now more than ever. He owes it to her to stay; they just buried a baby for God's sakes! Still, his heart is telling him that staying with Meredith because of Emily will only serve to make them more miserable. He tried doing the honorable thing and stayed with Addison all those years ago. If he stays with Meredith, she could just as easily be finding Addison's panties in his coat pocket, and Mere deserves better than that. Still, he shouldn't choose Addison, because choosing Addison would be like making her second best. He had his chance with her, two to be exact and he blew both of them.
Besides, their kids are almost adults and he'd rather not put them through yet another change, especially when he's not sure if Addison even feels the same way. Sure, everyone keeps telling him she does but, he's never heard her say it or voice it. Is it possible that she still loves him? No, and even if she did, there's no way she'd still love him after he was a complete asshole to her when Emily died. If his movement wasn't so restricted, he'd flop back into the pillows. Instead, he sighs heavily, closing his eyes, wishing that he could rid himself of the two beautiful women in his head for just a few seconds.
By the time he opened his eyes again, Derek Christopher Shepherd had made a decision, he just hoped the woman he chose would be willing to give him yet another chance…
Chapter 5 to follow…
