A/N Here we go again! Thank you for all the sweetness! I appreciate it more than you know!
The drive to the hospital is quiet. Daryl focuses on the way the heat distorts the air above the asphalt on the highway making it shimmer. A word comes forward in his busy mind, refraction. Something to do with light bending.
Carol isn't pushing him to talk, she hasn't even tried to start a conversation. After the question, the one Sophia had asked she let him be. He's thankful for that. He's thinking. About where they're going and how it's going to be seeing Merle. There was a before and now there's an after. Before Merle was Merle, same as he always was, just a little better and now… Well now he's sick in a hospital and even though the prognosis is good, really good, there's still that chance. And even though Daryl hasn't let himself think about that, it's there now like an unwelcome guest ringing the doorbell.
There's also the fact that Daryl ran off and even though he kept in touch and even saw Merle and Beau about a year ago, he still left. And he feels the shame in that, just like Merle had said, staying away was his shame.
"Daryl?" The sound of her voice confuses him for a minute. The car is stopped. They're parked. When did that happen?
"Here already?" Daryl focuses on Carol. She's grabbing her purse and a bag of things she brought for Merle.
"Yep. You ready for this?" How is he supposed to answer that? Cause he is in no way ready, but he's here and he'll do what he has to. Maybe she didn't expect an answer because she's climbing out of the car, tugging the bag after her. He follows, feeling his pocket for the note he has tucked in there. DJ's note.
The hospital is huge. Grady. That's what it's called and he remembers the doctors and nurses in Nashville using the name frequently when they were handling paperwork and test results before he'd been cleared to donate his kidney to Merle. Back then it had just been a word. A place. Now it's real. Brick and glass and looming over him in the heat of the afternoon.
Daryl feels himself tense up as they walk through the automatic sliding doors. Hospitals hold no kind memories for him. A belt that left more than a welt or fists that hit too hard breaking small bones that couldn't be cared for by his father's crude attempts. He was forced to lie about his injuries, go along with whatever excuse his mother gave and later come up with his own. Until eventually he just stopped going.
They take an elevator to the third floor and Carol leads him through a maze to a room at the end of a hallway. Through an open door, he sees Merle sprawled on the bed wearing a t-shirt and sweats watching a game show on a flat-screen TV. When Merle sees them he smiles that same old smile and sits up, then stands never taking his eyes off of Daryl. And Daryl can see the effects of his illness. His brother who always seemed to him larger than life looks tired and somehow diminished.
"Well lookie who's here! Hey little brother." Words, if he had any, would be caught in his throat that burns with the tears behind his eyes. He nods and ducks his head meeting Merle halfway across the room. His arms wrap around Merle and engulf his big brother who should be bigger, who should be swallowing Daryl up not the other way around. He's still strong though and he squeezes the life out of Daryl. This physical display of affection is awkward but somehow needed. They'll carry each other like they always have.
Tipping his head back, Merle gives him a once over.
"Always hauling my ass outta one predicament or another. Now yer gettin' me outta the biggest one ever." Merle laughs, but its strained and Daryl hears the things that Merle isn't saying. "Always got ole Merle's back!" His brother's voice breaks then and this hurts in such a profound way.
"Fuck you, Yer my brother," Daryl mumbles hoarsely into Merle's shoulder. They hold onto one another for a few more seconds then back away swiping at their eyes, pretending not to notice the other is crying.
"You finally convinced them to let you get out of bed?" Carol asks moving in between them to slide an arm around Merle's waist, he, in turn, kisses her on one cheek and then the other.
"Yep! Even went down ta the cafeteria earlier ta eat my special, shitty meal at a table!"
When Carol finally lets him go he stretches out on the bed gesturing to the chairs in the room which Daryl and Carol pull up next to him.
"Ya ready for this little brother?"
"Mmmhmm." If he's being honest he's not ready for anything. Like he told Beth, he's scared. But he's not running away this time. It felt good to admit that to somebody and she hadn't judged him. Maybe that's why it had been so easy to admit that to her. He isn't one for opening up but to her, this girl he barely even knows but somehow feels a connection, it just happened.
There's a knock on the door and a man probably close to Daryl's age enters. He's got a file and clipboard in one hand and with the other, he gives Carol a hug when she stands.
"How are you, Carol?" He glances over at Merle. "And you? Still harassing the nurses?"
"Shoot! They wouldn't have it any other way!" He chuckles and points at Daryl. "Dr. Jenner this is Daryl, my brother. Come to save my life." The weight of that comment makes Daryl itch under his collar. The doctor holds out a hand,
"It's nice to finally meet the man behind the file!" Daryl appreciates his firm grip and the air of confidence the man has. "Big day is tomorrow. And you know I consider myself lucky to be a part of every transplant I'm involved in, but I have to admit it's the family and friends cases that mean so much. My wife donated her own kidney to me 10 years ago. That's a pretty damn selfless act." Daryl shrugs. He doesn't see it that way at all. Not where he's concerned anyway.
"He's definitely my hero," Carol says winking at him. Being the center of all this attention is becoming unnerving but he bears it, thinks about the boys and Sophia and how next summer this will be a memory they'll probably talk about. And they'll have their daddy.
"I'd say Merle is pretty lucky he has a brother willing to give him anything but a hard time!" Dr. Jenner laughs at his own joke.
"Very funny doc!" Merle growls.
An hour later after going over pre-op and post-op instructions and the procedure itself, Dr. Jenner leaves them promising to see them bright and early the next morning in the surgery wing. When the door closes Merle clears his throat loudly.
"Last chance to get up and run baby brother."
"Ain't running no more." Daryl is aware that this exchange is about more than the surgery tomorrow. It's the past and the future and a bunch of questions no one wants to ask.
"Ya seen my boys?" he asks.
"Yeah, I did. How'd ya make such cool kids?" Daryl smirks at his brother and Carol chimes in,
"Oh, that was all me! I mean look at Sophia!" The three of them laugh gently and Daryl fishes in his pocket and pulls out DJ's note.
"They're something all right. All of 'em," Daryl says. Holding out his hand, the note in his fingers, "This, uh, DJ wanted me ta make sure ya got it." Merle takes it and unfolds it his eyes drifting over the words his little boy scribbled there.
"Goddamn boy, he's got a heart… fuck." Carol takes the little piece of paper and reads it. Her own eyes fill with tears.
"He gave you this?" Carol asks Daryl. He nods swallowing that lump in his throat that never really left. "My sweet boy. He's been so worried."
"You go home and tell 'em daddy loves him, tell 'em all. I love 'em and 's gonna be okay. Uncle Daryl is here an we got our family-" Merle covers his face with his hands and Daryl has to look away. Seeing his brother like this, so vulnerable, feels wrong. Like it's an intimate moment he shouldn't be witnessing. And it aches. Carol slides onto the bed beside Merle and wraps her arms around him whispering to him and this is definitely something Daryl isn't going to watch. This is their time so he steps out into the hallway. Carol pokes her head out a few minutes later.
"You didn't have to leave Daryl." He shrugs and steps through the door that she's holding open. Merle is smiling again from where he's propped up with some pillows. Carol's got him all set with his remote and TV.
"Y'all better get home. Make sure those kids haven't run Beth crazy." Merle yawns.
"Beth's perfectly capable. Shoot the boys are better behaved with her than they are with us!" Carol comments.
"Only cause they love her! But hunger can turn even the smallest men into beasts! It's gettin' close ta dinner time."
"I promised them pizza. I'm gonna call in for pick up at Rhee's." Carol says as she digs in her purse.
"Go on now, don't torture me! I can' even eat real food til next week!" Merle moans. Daryl just listens amused by their banter and how as she talks, Carol is covering Merle's legs with a blanket and kissing him on the forehead before she grabs her bag.
"Get some rest and I'll see you bright and early in the morning." She tries adjusting the blanket again and he playfully slaps at her hands,
"Woman! Go on! Baby brother, we got this." Merle says reaching around Carol to take Daryl's hand.
"We got this," Daryl repeats smirking at Merle. "Do I get ta choose which kidney ya get? Cause I think I'ma give you the right one, it's smaller than the left." He's going to make sure they leave on a high note. He's had enough of this emotional rollercoaster he's been riding for the past couple of days.
"How the hell ya know that?" Merle chuckles.
"Xray," Daryl says.
"Yeah, ya go on and keep the bigger one. Gotta have something bigger huh?!" Merle cracks up and Daryl flips him off. Suddenly he feels lighter. He's doing the hard stuff and finding out it isn't as hard as he imagined it would be and it feels right, being back with his family.
Family. This is what it's supposed to be like.
And then there's Beth.
xxxxXxxxx
Beau is climbing on the counter when Beth walks into the kitchen. She's used to the things these boys do. Climbing on everything, testing the limits. But they never fail to frazzle her nerves.
"Beau! What are you-"
"Mama's coming with pizza 's my night to set the table and I'm tryin' ta find paper plates!" His tone is a bit indignant as if she should know exactly what he's doing and why. He's been a little short with her this evening and she can't figure out what's going on with him.
"You could have asked for help. Come on, get down. I think I saw paper plates in the pantry," she says holding out a hand. Beau leaps past it and heads into the pantry. Sighing Beth follows him. "Beau are you mad at me or something?" The little boy stands still, the paper plates in his hands. His brow is furrowed when he looks up at her.
"Ya always gonna be holdin' uncle Daryl's hand?" he asks. For a second she isn't sure how to react.
"I, gosh Beau, I don't-" How is it possible his question can make her feel happy and sad at the same time?
"Ya like him?" Not to mention nervous. Taking the plates from him Beth kneels down so she's eye level with the little boy. Because as unnerving as these questions are he's serious and deserves to be treated gently. She knows Beau holds a special place in his heart for her. Merle teases him about his crush on her, but she respects Beau's heart.
"I'd like to be his friend. Everybody needs friends right?" she asks. He's nodding. And she thinks maybe she touched on something that Beau can understand.
"He ain't got no friends here. Just us. And I ain't seen you with any friends neither, 'cept us. Maybe he can be yer friend too."
Letting out the breath she was holding Beth realizes that no she doesn't have friends. Not the kind that you hang out with or call on the phone. Besides the Dixon's and her family, there's no one else. After the bad thing happened, she can't even think the word, people just stayed away. Friends from school and church treated her differently. Oh, they were polite and said all the right things, but it wasn't the same anymore. She had stopped trying too. And she just learned to be lonely. Somehow it was easier.
"I hope so." Her and Daryl friends. She isn't sure she even knows how that works anymore. Beth follows Beau back into the kitchen and helps him lay the plates out on the table.
"And if ya wanna hold his hand sometimes, 's okay." He doesn't look at her when he says it and she can see the faint blush on his cheeks as if he knows what holding hands might mean. She's been trying her best not to think about holding Daryl's hand. He's a nice guy. She likes talking to him and he definitely makes her feel things she hasn't felt in a long time. But regardless he probably isn't interested in her that way. He probably prefers a sophisticated woman, closer to his own age. Definitely not a broken girl like herself.
Sophia and DJ come tearing through the kitchen headed towards the door leading out to the garage.
"Hey!" she exclaims as they leave her standing there, napkins in her hands.
"Pizza's here!" Beau calls over his shoulder as he follows his siblings out the door. Shaking her head she finishes setting the table. She hears them laughing and asking questions about their daddy and what topping are on the pizza as they come back into the house.
Each of the kids has a pizza box in their hands and they crowd around the table peeking at what's inside. Carol sets her purse on the counter and smiles at Beth.
"Everything go okay?" Beth nods and feels a flutter in her tummy as Daryl comes in the garage door with soda and beer in his hands. Beth hurries over and takes a couple of two liters from him.
"Yep. We just watched movies. How about you guys?" She glances over at Daryl as they set the soda and beers on the counter. She catches a glimpse of the leather vest he's wearing.
"We met with the doctor and went over all the pre and post-op instructions. I think we're ready as we'll ever be, right Daryl?" Carol says hurrying over to the table where an argument has broken out over pineapple and pepperoni.
Stepping back so she can see it better she sees what is stitched to the black leather. Wings. Angel wings. She can't help herself, she reaches out to run a finger over one of them, smiling to herself.
Until Daryl looks over his shoulder.
"Whatta ya doing back there?" he asks gruffly.
"Oh, I- you have wings on your vest." Stating the obvious, she cringes at how ridiculous it sounds.
"Yeah, so?"
"I just, before when Carol told me about you and what you were doing for Merle, I had this picture in my head of an angel. A guardian angel. And now," waving at the back of his vest she blushes because she feels silly, "you have wings on your vest." The last part is almost whispered and she turns away quickly busying herself with getting ice from the freezer. The cold air on her hot face feels amazing and she pauses there for a second.
"I ain't no guardian angel." He's right behind her reaching over her to grab the ice trays. And his close proximity makes her shiver. She tells herself it's the freezer as she shuts it and turns around.
"But you have wings, Daryl." The man knows what's on his vest. Her mouth just doesn't know when to stop obviously. But that's the thing, she doesn't want to stop. She wants to keep him talking. He shrugs his shoulders and pulls out a couple of beers.
"I like wings, 's all."
"Me too. Well, I like birds and they have wings so… Are one of those beers for me?" She's a bundle of nerves now and she might as well keep on with her ridiculous chatter. Or maybe she should just walk away and save face. He's looking at her now, one eyebrow raised.
"You even old enough ta drink girl?" Her heart sinks because it's exactly like she thought. He'd never be interested in her. She's too young.
"I'll be 21 in two weeks. And I do occasionally have a beer. I mean I don't drink like to get drunk or anything I just-" He's chuckling and popping the lids off the beers, taking one more he opens it and slides it over to her.
"Thank you." At a loss for what to do next and afraid of continuing to make a fool out of herself, she grabs the bottle and hurries over to the table where she is immediately drug into the debate over pepperoni and pineapple. This is safe. The kids are laughing, Carol is passing out slices of pizza and Daryl is all the way across the room where she can't see him.
xxxxXxxxx
DJ keeps slipping Daryl his pizza crusts, trying to be sly so his mama doesn't see. She told the boys they had to eat all of their pizza crusts included if they want dessert, which happens to be their favorite, chocolate ice cream cones.
Obviously, DJ wants a cone really bad. He slid his first crust over onto Daryl's plate and just looked at him.
"Ya ain't gonna get yer dessert."
"I hate crusts." Sounds just like Merle. Daryl, on the other hand, likes the crust, it's his favorite part of the pizza. So he doesn't say anything. Keeps their little secret for DJ.
It seems Beth has noticed their little deal but she just smiles and shakes her head. She's gonna be 21 in two weeks which makes him 14 years older than her. That seems like so many years between them. But it also doesn't. And should it even matter? Merle's 10 years older than Carol. All the math is giving him a headache. Beth is going to be 21. She's young and beautiful and probably has a boyfriend.
Still, she's smiling at him.
"He doesn't like the crust on his bread either." The kids finished up and Carol's making cones while Beth and Daryl clean off the table. She'd volunteered and he'd just started helping.
"Damn kid doesn't know what's good!" He noticed that she ate her crusts and drank all her beer.
"I know right! My sister, Maggie, she's dating Glenn Rhee. His family owns the pizza place. But he's running it now."
"Must get lots a free pizza, huh?" Folding up the used paper plates he waits, watching her close up the empty boxes.
"Not really. Maggie probably eats there. We can take this stuff out to the trash. So it doesn't fill up the can in here." Following her out the back door she makes her way to the big plastic can on the side of the house.
"What about you? Got a boyfriend?" Classy Dixon! He thinks to himself. But he wants to know.
"I don't, I," shaking her head she tosses the pizza box into the can and holds the lid for him, "I don't have a boyfriend." She seems a little nervous like his questions bothered her.
"Wasn't trying to pry, just figured, ya know yer a pretty girl and must have plenty a guys... fuck I don't know, I'ma shut my mouth now." The trash is taken care of but neither of them heads back towards the house.
"Merle and Carol never said anything about me?" She still has that nervous look on her face and her eyes are big and blue and watching him closely.
"Well no. Is there somethin' I'm supposed to know?" He knows there's something. He can make guesses. But only Beth has the answers and whether or not she wants to share is up to her.
"My daddy- he had an accident. So I spend a lot of time helping him out. Maggie and I both do. It's been that way for awhile. So I don't have a lot of friends…" Now she looks embarrassed.
"Ya got these guys. They sure like ya. And hell I ain't got no friends at all!" Another confession. He's trying to make light of the situation because regardless of everything he still has this desire to make her happy, see her smile.
"Beau told me, he said maybe you and I could be friends, seeing as we don't have a lot of friends." Beth's soft laughter confuses him. Is it funny that neither of them has friends or that they could be friends?
"Might be nice ta have a friend," Daryl says shoving his hands in his pockets.
"I kinda feel like we already are friends Daryl, I mean aren't we?" Her expression is so hopeful and it doesn't matter a damn bit if she's 15 years younger than him. They can be friends. She wants to be his friend.
"Yep. We buried a bird together and everythin'. Can't-do things like that and not be friends." He feels her smile all the way to his toes.
xxxxXxxxx
It's starting to get dark and as much as Beth would like to just sit here for awhile longer where she feels like the Beth she used to be, it's time to head out. Besides, she'll be here at six the next morning.
But Daryl won't be coming home tomorrow night.
She loves being with the Dixon's, always has since that first time she came by the house. So why now is Daryl's presence a determining factor in if she should stay or go? It's ridiculous. She's being ridiculous.
"I think I better head home." Her voice sounds especially loud in the quiet room. They'd put on a movie because DJ had once again developed a tummy ache. The little boy had climbed up into his mama's lap and that seemed to be exactly what he needed because he passed out not long after. Beau did the same where he was curled up in a beanbag. Only Sophia remained awake determined to see how the movie ended.
Daryl had been dozing off too. Beth had noticed his heavy eyelids and had to bite her lip to stop herself from giggling when his head started nodding to the side until he'd catch himself and sit back up. She spent more time watching him and really had no idea what the movie was about. There was a girl and her father and something about space. That's all she got out of it. But she did learn that Daryl slept with his mouth slightly open and even the smallest of sounds had him jerking awake.
Like he had now when she spoke.
"Ya riding that horse home in the dark." His voice was husky with sleep and Beth doesn't think she's ever been turned on by the sound of someone's voice. Daryl Dixon is waking up things inside of her that she forgot even existed.
"Nellie knows the way." That didn't seem to impress him.
"You could walk her halfway uncle Daryl. Sometimes daddy does," Sophia says. That's true. Merle has as much faith in Nellie's GPS as Daryl seems too and he has walked with her until they could see the farm. She's pretty sure he stood there until she'd made it to the barn.
"You don't have to do that Daryl, really," Beth says but without much conviction, because it means she'll get to spend a few more minutes with him.
"Nah, I can do that." He stands and stretches and she sees his tummy where his shirt rides up and once again she feels things she hasn't felt in so long.
"You get to bed when you get back Daryl. And don't even think about sneaking a piece of the leftover pizza. No food until after surgery!" Carol is in mama mode, scooping up DJ and fussing at Sophia so Beth and Daryl take their leave.
Outside it's dark enough that Beth can see the stars and the horizon line is fading fast as the sun sinks lower. Out of habit, she searches for the moon. Seeing it reminds her of her mama and it makes her feel good.
"What're you looking fer?" Daryl must think she's lost her mind, searching the sky like she is.
"Oh, the moon, but I just realized it's a new moon tonight. I forgot." Reaching for Nellie's lead she unties it.
"Ya like the moon too?" Daryl asks. And it sounds like he really wants to know. Not like he's just making conversation.
"Yeah, I do." But she won't tell him why. She might. Someday.
"Yer weird girl." He says it with a chuckle and he's teasing her and it, like everything else, feels good.
"I probably am." Probably is an understatement.
" 'S good thing. Being different." They fall into step with one another. She could have easily ridden alongside him but she'd rather walk.
"You think so? You must be weird too." She teases him back and there's a soft flutter in her belly.
"I'm definitely weirder than ya are." Her feet have traveled these woods more times than she can count, she knows the way with her eyes closed so seeing Daryl step so lightly as if he is as just as familiar with them is impressive.
"You're really sure-footed." Beth feels her face flush. What kind of comment is that? "I mean for someone who hasn't walked these woods. Is it because you're a hunter?" She knows a little about hunting. Her daddy and brother use to go all the time before, well before everything changed.
"Could be. I'm a tracker too. And I been walking these woods since before you were even born." Daryl says.
"How old are you Daryl?" She can't see his face but she does see how his head turns in her direction.
"Does it matter? Ain't gonna be friends with me if I'm too old?" He's teasing again, but not completely.
"Not to me. But I kinda get the feeling it might to you." He doesn't respond right away which leads her to believe she hit the nail on the head.
"Don't know. I never been friends with a younger-," he pauses, "woman." His choice in words lets her know that he doesn't think of her as a child, not like she thought he must. He could have said younger girl, but he didn't. Although being called girl by him is not bad. Not bad at all.
"I'm 35," he says after a moment and she does the math because well who wouldn't. And the years aren't much.
"You'll be happy to know you aren't too old to be my friend." She can't help but giggle. And she thinks to herself that her daddy was 20 years older than her mama. Of course, she isn't going to share that with him because, well that's implying that they could be something more than friends. And although that idea is one she wants to hold onto, she doesn't want to scare him away.
Just because they're friends now doesn't mean he wants anything more than that. Even though his eyes soften when he looks at her. She's sure of it. And he seems to want to be around her. So.
"There's the farm. I can find my way from here, Daryl. Thank you for walking with me though." She stands in the grass next to him, stalling.
" 'S nothin'." Oh but it is. Dropping Nellie's lead she steps in and although she can sense him tensing up she tentatively slides her arms around his waist and leans into him.
"Good luck tomorrow. I'm sure everything is gonna be fine." She doesn't trust herself to say anything more. Leaning down she takes up Nellie's lead and heads toward the farm. With each step, she feels that weight settle around her and she wonders if it will ever go away. That voice in her head, the one she doesn't listen to whispers,
'maybe if you'd let it go'
A/N 14 years... I don't think that poses a problem at all! But the road to love is never easy! Stay tuned! And let me know what you thought! Those are the best! And so are all of you!
