Chapter Four
Sonic's POV
Today, I walked home slowly … wondering where the hell my life was going from here; wondering if anything was going to be perfect again. Wondering…
Where's that wonderful life I once had?
I knew such a question would never answer itself.
Above me, the sky darkened into an endless shadow above Westopolis, covering up what seemed to be the only light of my day. The silhouette of the city behind me gave only a fade glow in the distance; the park trees disappearing as I walked farther and farther away from the busy civilization. The sun had disappeared along with the powerful radiation that had been given off during the bright morning, making it much harder for my lungs to readjust to such weird temperatures.
That only light was obviously covered up once more. The sun, that is…
My footsteps were slow, for I wanted to think. I wanted to let my mind catch up on itself, like an old friend coming to visit. Nothing seemed to be realistic the past couple of days; the grieving of death only took its toll on me now...
As much I wanted to laugh at all of this… like a joke, for intense… I couldn't. Yeah, it was all just a joke… but it was a weird one. Who could fake death?
Running away from it all would make it no easier for myself. I couldn't run… I couldn't. I had too much of a responsibility on my hands. Something that I knew I could not handle. It was what I actually had to force myself to accept…
A child of my own.
It was all too much for me. Too much for me to bear at the moment. Too much… I, Sonic the Hedgehog, cannot be what I thought I was ready for. And that is what I am now…
A father.
An imperfect father just begging to escape from it all…
Heh, it's amazing really… How hard reality can actually impact your life. One moment it is perfect but then, out of thin air, everything dies down. It's like your making your own world harder than it should be. I was making it harder for myself. I knew so…But, then again, who wouldn't do such a thing when you lost the one you loved the most?
Lost. Funny word. I never imagined thinking about it that much… Only when I lost a sneaker or maybe lost directions in a forest… Never have I thought about a person that way.
She's lost, I told myself. I'm lost.
I silently walked on.
I thought about Amy, remembering what she had said to me one day before she died, smiling as blissful as an angel. The day before we had our marriage and said our vows to each other, promising that our love would always be eternal… Taking her soft, fragile hand and hearing her soft, velvet voice whisper to me 'I do' in front of the twilight. Promising that in sickness and in health, that we would stay together… Forever.
But… what is forever when you don't have the other by your side?
"No matter what kind of flaw you make Sonic the Hedgehog, know that I will always still think of you as perfect.
"I love you…," she said, her whispers echoing in my head like an almost decayed memory.
Amy, please… Look at me now and change your mind. What do I look like? What promises have I kept?
What promises have you kept?
At that moment, I wished that she were here… that she was still here running after me and pursuing me to love her. What I would give to wrap my arms around her and say such three simple words or to be technical, four.
"I love you, too."
But now, I know that is impossible now that she is gone…or in everyone else's definition of gone, dead.
I guess vows these days just really don't matter. They really don't keep the promises you tend to make.
And at the sudden choke of words I tried to find in my head; out of all the millions of things to speak of or think of, I could only think of one obvious thought…
I missed her.
I look up at the sky above me, the clouds still drifting away as if life to them didn't matter. It grew darker than evening, the world now covered in a sinister blanket that did not offer warmth. To make matters way worse than they were supposed to be, it began to rain…
And rain… and rain…
I ignored it, though. Even though it made me shiver, sneeze, and cough… I ignored it. I began to tremble as I still kept walking, my ears folded down to the backside of my head and my eyes, heavy. I would fiddle with my fingers now and then but then I would ask myself, what was the point?
My thoughts concentrated on my daughter once again. I thought about the small infant, her cries still ringing in my ears freshly as they had the other night. She was a hand full. More than I could handle. I wasn't meant to be her father… a mistake, as I said before.
I thought about her future; what she was going to become of herself by living with me. With me and not a smart mother. The questions that she would ask, both physically and mentally hurting me; my insides gasping for air… What if I couldn't handle it? The questions of her mother… the questions of me. Painful. Her innocent eyes reminding me every single damned day of what I have lost… What never became.
I can't handle it. Everyone knows it and I do not disagree anymore… I cannot despise such reactions anymore. The facts are always true. There were no longer opinions in this matter. I was horrible. Too horrible to even take care of my own damn child!
Adoption would be best. Not the greatest idea but it is the best I have. I'll live alone and try to settle things with myself. I'll live the life that I had before love, before all of this… alone.
Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.
Something was so wrong with the word, now.
"I'll. Live. Alone," I whispered; gasping for every word I just exhaled. Alone without her… alone without them… alone without anyone… alone without any family.
Alone… Loneliness. The words never did sound the same as they used to be. Maybe it was because I grew a habit of not being alone. I was too worried with life; trying to be dedicated to everything I wanted to be. What I never became… Maybe, I forgot what alone felt like. Whatever alone was now, the word made my stomach turn uncomfortably.
Before… her… I don't remember what it was like. Carefree. Probably. Not sure. I totally had forgotten about those days. I remember that I thought Amy had cooties. Heh, typical boys mind at the most. I also remember her giving me that silly look, like she KNEW I was a dork. I remember laughing at that face and crying tears of humor. She would laugh along, as if she wanted to gain my attention more than she already had. Then I grew up… and so did she. I went through some of those weird stages and I guess that was when I started noticing her true beauty; her gorgeous crooked smile. The way she walked was not a strut but a ballet dance perfectly recited. Gracefully, she would swing her warm arms around my cold waist; warming up my whole body like fire and snow put together. I then would hold her much more closely to me. I never ran away that many times, anymore… Her presence became my drug. No matter what, I could not shake her fresh perfumed scent away.
I would then offer to run with her, to buy her stuff that she didn't even need; to give her all that she wanted… But never did I admit my feelings during those days. I don't know if she noticed if I did care or not… I never asked. It never had crossed my mind, ever… But I bet she did notice, for she was a smart girl like that. It was also painfully obvious towards me in particular. The drug never wore off on my body. My addiction towards her never took a break or stopped. Everyday, I would grow closer to her and everyday, the addiction became worse. Then there was one night… we were on the Emerald Beach, the sparkling oceanic water glittering through her jaded eyes as she smiled in amusement towards the sea. She was teaching me one last time how to swim, and it was her final time. She said that I would make it without her. That I could swim without her help and do it myself. I opposed the idea, for that meant that she wouldn't be near me every second of the day. That meant that she was letting go of me and moving on… I could not let my drug run out. I needed it… I needed her…
I then started to drown. I could not live without the drug that damaged my lungs but helped me breathe. I could not breathe without her scent and her touch… her taste of breath. I needed her.
And then the first kiss... my first ever-real kiss. The kiss that showed her all of that…Her soft, warm lips brushing against mine after I had told her that she couldn't let me swim alone… her body moving closer towards mine as I had started kissing her back, wrapping my arms around her slender waist and never letting go. Both of our eyes, closed, as we felt each other's lips move passionately around our mouths'. There were no sounds… There was taste. The taste of sweet strawberries and the scent of fresh beach water all over her tangled hair… Neither of us hoped for air, for we both drowned together in that kiss… I wasn't swimming alone.
We both wished for eternal love from each other and Amy questioned about the family that she always wanted. As stupid as I was, I had agreed. Thinking that I was ready was not a good excuse to become a father…
Now, look where I am. My drug is gone. It was burnt away and it only left me with shards of what we wanted. Broken glass that was not fixed, a doll with no owner and a child that I didn't want.
Gone, yet left with something.
I saw my house in the distance, the rain still plummeting down my not-covered face and stinging my eyes. I didn't know what to expect when I would walk in… A crying child or a warm hug that belonged to the arm's of someone who was not here. Choice A was the first guess and Choice B… it was a dream.
I walked over to the porch of my house as I got the house keys out of my pocket. They jingled a soft, reassuring sound as I unlocked the door as slowly and as quietly as I could. The lock finally snapped as it freely swung the door open by itself; a problem in which Amy and me never fixed together…
There was silence. No screams and no moans of the newborn… I was grateful that everything was so still. It had been a while since I had experienced a silence just as this.
I thought about calling Vanilla's name, for I wondered where she went. She wasn't in the living room where I thought she would be… She was nowhere. A thought then came across my mind that the baby was probably asleep and that she was in her room. I held my yell in my throat, trying so hard to be patient for my own good. I did not want to start any crying at all in this perfectly still house.
I walked towards the baby's room, where no one was. Just a neon- colored room with no one in it. A sudden intensified flash of panic went through my mind as I quickly rushed myself to my own room in full speed, afraid to find out if they were in there or not.
They weren't.
A thousand things came rushing in my head at once… The first thought was that somebody might have broken in and took Vanilla against her will, along with the child that I owned. Second, it might've been Robotnik once again! But none of them seemed to fit… Not easily, though.
I then heard a small laughter near the backyard porch.
I swiftly drove my feet near the back door of the house. To my relief, through the docile glass window was the baby, safe and sound in Vanilla's arms and Cream shaking its small hand dangling off on Vanilla's side; pointing towards the rain in enjoyment. I didn't smile, but only stared in content. It was a pretty scene that was still forgetful yet touching. I watched as the baby stared at Cream with curious jade eyes, probably wishing that she were never here in the first place. I gave a mental laugh as I walked myself outside, my hand in my pocket's as I studied the rain from under the wooden roof.
"Such a darling," Vanilla murmured as she started cooing the baby with sweet nursery rhymes that I didn't know; just as Tails did the other night when he was over at my house. It was sad that I had not yet knew how to do such things… I forcefully dug my hands deeper into my pockets and nodded in fibbing conformity.
She nodded sweetly and shot a smile towards me afterwards. We both gave quiet glares to each other and sighed.
"How was work?" She asked, her voice still as innocent as always. My expression changed from content to a scowl as I thought about what had happened. 'Stupid human…'
"I-eh… It was fine," I lied. I couldn't manage to tell the truth. She seemed convinced afterwards.
"Oh! That's nice! I've had fun baby sitting your little angel as well," she said, the scents of her fresh cookie fur whiffing across my nose. I smiled back weakly, unable to speak anymore.
"She does love the rain," she then stated. My heart broke. She knew my own child before I even could…. It kinda' sucked, knowing that I had no type of father potential in me. Vanilla stared at me with a secrecy stare…
"Cream, dear, can you take little Ames inside? I have to speak with Sonic…"
My brow rose.
"Of course, mother!" The cheerful, little rabbit squealed as she instantly scooped the baby out of Vanilla's arms and ran away inside the house, laughing cheerfully anf youthfully.
Vanilla then, again, stared at me with an odd stare.
I took a deep breath. I didn't know why I was here with Vanilla. I didn't understand why she became so curious with me… She seemed suspicious about something. Was it something I had said or was it the way I looked? I mean, I was soaked in rainwater…
She then spoke softly, her face normal.
"Tails called me an hour ago… He told me about last night with the baby and you getting fired from your job. Sonic, dear, I'm so sorry…"
She paused and pursed her lips, as if trying to think of other words to say. I didn't speak at all, just waited… Anger inside of me blazed. I was definitely pissed at Tails for not shutting his damn mouth.
"Sonic, I know you are suffering from a terrible loss. We all our, but… don't you think that with a child, you should be more stronger than us? More mature?"
More mature?
"Amy would've wanted you to do your very best to be happy, to take care of little Amy for her… Sonic, don-"
I've heard this before. I did not want to hear it again. My anger then flared.
"SHUT UP! JUST, SHUT UP!" I screamed, my rage beginning to flood my brain. She stared at me with cold, scared eyes, but they too couldn't stop me from yelling.
"I FREAKIN' KNOW WHAT AMY WANTS ME TO DO!! I already know what she wants from me! But I'm not ready! I can't take FREAKIN' CARE OF HER! NONE OF YOU UNDERSTAND!! TAILS, KNUCKLES, NO ONE!!"
Streams of scorching tears ran down my cheeks as I screamed, my throat throbbing for air that I didn't inhale. I could feel my hands trembling and my heart beating ten times faster than usual. Beads of sweat rolled down my forehead as I stared at Vanilla, once again, with raged eyes.
"You know what?! I'm so sick of everyone telling me to be strong! Be strong, SONIC! Be strong! JUST SHUT UP, ALREADY!! I KNOW, AMY! SHE WOULD NEVER EXPECT ME TO TAKE CARE OF THIS GOD DAMN CHILD ALONE—"
The last words I said shocked my whole body. My nervous system paused; along with the rest of my body as I thought about what I had just said. But what was sad was that—that was the truth.
I kicked the nearest trashcan in fury; hard enough to make it clatter and fall on the ground. Litter flew everywhere but I ignored it all. I ignored every single thing that made noise… that said words and that spoke… I sat myself near the brick wall the house, finally inhaling some oxygen. I buried my head in my hands, trying to calm myself down. I listened to no voices…
I listened to no one's voice but Vanilla's.
She walked up to me, her face filled with sympathy; his glossy eyes filled with tears. She thought of giving me a hug, for she reached a hand towards me but then hesitated. She spoke with a hoarse tone, her voice croaked and sad as well.
"Sonic…"
I looked up. I don't know what she saw on my face, but she stared at me as if I were homeless. As if I were alone. As if I… I was lost.
"Sonic, dear… There was… a time when Amy came over…"
I looked up completely, interested but solemn. She gave a depressing, crooked grin towards me before continuing.
"She was… I think, six months pregnant when she came over. I welcomed her in and gave her cookies for both her and the baby. She smiled a lot, too, and acted so much like a little girl again. She seemed so happy… so serene with you. She was… amazingly just blossoming in her maturity. She kept on talking about the baby in gibberish and talked and talked about how she was so excited. How she was just thrilled to finally start a family with you…," she stared at me, her eyes grinning. I huffed and grinned back, my tears taking a small pause against my placid face.
"That was all she talked about, too. It was you, Sonic. She told me that…that she thought you were going to be the perfect father. She was pointing out all your fatherly characteristics and what she thought would be the best one you would use often… She also told me how much the baby would love you. She guessed that the baby would actually love you more than it loved her. She put all her trust on you… She knew you, Sonic… You just didn't know."
I smiled wearily, thinking of the times that I was actually excited about being a father. The times that I would rub Amy's abdomen and whisper to our child that I was ready… that I wanted her to come out then and there and hold her in my arms. I would kiss it and listen to it, do everything that it wanted me to do. I would hug it like I was a child, myself. I was that excited… and that was when Amy trusted me.
I nodded my head in a trance, a slight bit confused with myself.
'Oh,' was all I could respond with…
X0X0
Night came and the thunder still roared outside, hungrily. It shook the house in all corners, making it almost impossible for me to relax. Sleep was impossible to come by like every other night; like every other day… It was painful to slumber and not feel the familiar warm body close to me, cuddling up against my chest in fright when a thunderstorm came by. The warm scent of strawberries was beginning to fade from my pillows… She was disappearing.
I waited for a cry that soon came. A small, muffled, innocent cry... I rubbed my face in weariness, disappointed in myself for guessing so correctly. It didn't matter, though… It wasn't like I did sleep. It actually felt like days without sleep, but I didn't care. I did not care much about sleep like I used to…
I quickly sped to the kitchen and made a bottle with powdered baby formula. I heated the water, put a few scoops of the formula in, and shook the brittle bottle effortlessly. All was done in less than five minutes, unlike the other night.
I walked to the baby's room, the same echoing footsteps following me like a soft shadow just waiting to eat me up. Everything was so dark and depressing in this house, almost as if it were haunted by the very soul of her. I shook off the disturbing thought as I continued stepping down the hallway towards the deafening, infuriating crying that was growing louder and louder. Each step was torture… It was so silent under the cries of my own child…
I then entered the baby's room.
The little infant's arms swayed frantically in the air, her right fist pounding impatiently on the oak wood bars of the crib as if she were trying to break down in her dream. I looked away for a while, my mouth twitching. I rolled my hand into a fist as well, scared to get angry or sad just from looking at her…
I picked up the fragile child out of the crib and patted her on the back. She began to calm, her cries turning into small sniffles just as last time... I kept on patting her and I slowly put the nipple of the bottle against her mouth. Surprisingly, she took it and started to drink the formula down; calmed once more…
I carried her to the dark living room where everything was still and calm, almost agonizingly hurtful to the heart in my body. I slowly flashed on the dim light of the lamp that sat near the doorway, where, again, there were only shadows covering up everything she once owned. I breathed in deeply as I sat myself on the cozy, chestnut-colored couch with the baby still in my arms, feeding mutely like a sorrow ghost.
My hand traced her quills as I stared at her in silence, every piece of my body trembling. The beauty of my own child was amazing. Her purple quills were like the afterglow of the sun and her strong hands fought fiercely like mine, trying to protect her bottle. My mouth was open but no type of words came out. I wanted to compliment but couldn't. I only stared, without a smile on my face. I needed… I couldn't… I had to…
I needed to.
"Hey…," I started, my voice uneasy. Surely, I could do better than that but it caught her attention. Her eyes slowly opened, revealing a sparkling jade that could blind any soul who knew Amy. They were breath taking. I kept my composure and went on, my voice shaky but everything else, still.
"You… you look so much like your…mother…"
She stared at me with no sentiment escaping from her heart-shaped face. She blinked twice but then reframed to her original stare, which was curious and watchful. I gave a forced grin to her and then continued…
"Look… I'm sorry for not being the best… 'dad' to you. You probably never really noticed, but I just wanted to state that. I'm so sorry for not being the best out there. I'm sorry that I am not the perfect father… I'm not. But…"
I paused and inhaled deeply…
"…but I'll do my best for you. Your mother would've wanted that from me… Yeah, Amy would've wanted that…"
The small child dropped her bottle but didn't move. She continued to stare. I never knew newborns were capable of listening to adults. I felt tears build up inside of my eyes as I looked at her and, for the first time, smiled.
"Your mother… she looked just like you… Except, she was pink," I laughed, a teardrop running down my face. "S-she had those dazzling eyes that you have…and those wonder bangs. You're the perfect imitation of… her… S-she said you would look more like me. Actually, we made a bet on it… I-I never got those ten dollars…"
More tears escaped from my eyes, over my cheeks and over the smile across my face.
"She was gorgeous… She was perfect… better than me… She was… my angel-l. I-I told her that everyday. I w-would tell her how beautiful she was and everyday, I would kiss her. Even when we were angry at each other, I still kissed her. A-a small peck on the cheek was all I needed… It was all I asked for…"
The jaded eyes looked at me, reflecting everything I had just said. Her delicate hands reached out towards my face, wiping away all of the tears falling on my cheeks. The child's touch was wonderful, almost comforting. She tasted the tiny droplets of tears with her mouth and sighed a small baby sigh… My smile disappeared as I thought about further things. Things that I wanted to say… to mention… to tell…
"T-there was a time… I had run off while we were fighting. I-I never said I-I love you and I never kissed her… I didn't know that it was g-going to be her last day… She was pregnant with you… O-only eight months. I guess you just couldn't hold on, couldn't wait… Y-you just had to come out. I wasn't t-there… I came back home t-to see her lying on the floor, blood everywhere…," I winced at the re-found image in my head
"I panicked. She wasn't awake when I took her to the hospital… T-the last words I ever said to her, the last words she heard from me… w-was that I didn't want you. I d-didn't want you… And… a-and… I never kissed her that day… N-not until she was…," I gulped down the word forcefully and to my surprise, I was beginning to cry hysterically.
"I never kissed her! I said I didn't want you! S-she… Ugh! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
I started hugging the infant as I cried into her small, feeble chest. She looked at me, again, with no emotion. No tears like mine. She just savored my tears and stared.
Then, as I was crying, I felt her strong arms clung onto my warm chest; her head rubbing against my fur for comfort. I looked at her with more tears in my eyes, making everything in my mind a blur.
'I love you…'
"I-I never said… I never… I'm sorry for not b-being perfect… I'm sorry! Forgive me, Amy! I'm sorry! I love you!—"
I kissed my daughter's forehead and wrapped my arms around her fragile body. My breathing was uneven as I buried my face into her soft, new mauve fur… I didn't want to let go of the only thing…the only thing I had left of Amy…
"I love you… I-I'm sorry…"
I gave another small peck on her cheek and smiled. A great weight was lifted and now a new one had dropped, except a much more smaller one that I could carry.
"Amy, I'm sorry…"
'An imperfect father just begging to escape from it all…'
Author's Note: My sister read this chapter... The wimp actually cried! Bleh... I was actually close to crying when I wrote this. It sounds emo, doesn't it? Ha, I know it does... XD
LONG UPDATE!! The last chapter was short so I gave all of you fools this! Enjoy it while it last!! Now, buh-bye! I'm gonna' go see Indiana Jones! W00T!! :D
Read and review if ya' wish!!
