Chapter 4: Realizing

The bed was heavy with Elsword's scent. It was so intoxicating and overwhelming. But, it made Ain feel at ease. However, Ain could also smell faint cigarette residue and a pinch of something metallic mixed in with it. He felt like he could lay there for days, years even. Perhaps it was because it felt like he wasn't alone. He had been thinking that there wasn't anything left to live for when he was stuck in the void of emptiness. But, after he saw the bright colors flash before his eyes, just for a while longer, Ain had a miniscule desire to see more. He also realized that he was beginning to dislike being lonely...

-/-

It was around evening when Elsword came back home. In his arms were various items such as clothes and necessities. He sundered into his room. There, he saw Ain reading the books he piled on the bed. He peered closer to see which one Ain was reading. Elsword's face flared up. "A-ain!" Elsword yelped.

Ain glanced up at him but continued reading. On the pages were two guys participating in a heavy session of kissing. One of the hands trailed down and...

"Ain! How about we go eat something," Elsword said as he pulled the manga away. A look of disappointment seemed to flicker across Ain's face. Elsword tried to calm himself down as he helped Ain sit up. "Ah, wait. I bought you some new clothes. Let's change, yeah?" Ain nodded and held onto Elsword once more as he dressed him. Elsword had bought a warm black sweater, a black t-shirt, black slacks, and a pack of underwear. "I have more clothes for you like..." He held up cute aqua pajamas with bunnies on them. "...this for night time. And also some clothes for when it gets hot. Swim trunks. Several set of clothes...If you want more clothes, I'll go buy them."

Ain examined his new items. "...Thank you," Ain said.

"Umm uhh...It's no problem. Anyways, let's eat something." Elsword couldn't stop blushing as he guided Ain to the dining table. "Is there anything you want?"

Ain gave a small shrug.

"Hmm...ah I got it!" Elsword began preparing the food. As he moved about, Ain watched him with intent eyes. Behind that cheery face was a mask of tiredness. Black circles rimmed Elsword's eyes and even his eyes themselves were bloodshot. Often he would just sigh.

"...Elsword..." Ain wanted to say something but he wasn't sure what. All that came out was Elsword's name.

"Huh?" Elsword seemed to have snapped back into reality. He averted his eyes when he realized that Ain kept a steady gaze on him. As he waited for a reply, he continued cooking but would also glance back at Ain.

Ain studied him more. There were those bandages over his hands and wrists that he told him not to worry about. They looked fresh. Then there were those dark purple greenish bruises that mapped his exposed skin. Red marks, which seemed to be scars, poked out from underneath his clothing as well. Just what had been going on when Elsword isn't at the hospital? At this moment, Ain was just confused. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again.

Elsword noticed the distress written on his face. "Take your time, Ain. No one is going to rush you. No one is ever going to rush you anymore." His voice drifted. "No one is going to say mean things to you. No one is going to force you to do things you don't want to do. Things will be any way you want it to be..."

"...Elsword..."

"Oh! Umm...I...sorry...I didn't mean...I...umm...the food is ready." The macaroni shone with deliciousness under the light all golden and warm. He placed the bowl in front of Ain. "Ah...that's right. Say ahhh~" Elsword took a scoop, blew on it, and held it in front of Ain's mouth. As the macaroni entered his mouth, a yummy warmth spread across his pallet.

Ain's eyes brightened and he was eager for more. It tasted way better than the stale hospital food. "You like it huh?" Elsword smiled. It relieved if only a little of his stress. "You can have as much as you want."

After dinner, Elsword got Ain and himself ready for bed.

Ain stared at Elsword on the floor.

"...Something the matter?" Elsword asked. His room was somewhat cluttered but not dirty. He felt so cold on the floor for he had given Ain all his blankets. He awaited an answer.

A complicated feeling twisted in Ain's heart. Everything was coming at him in abundance. Not too long ago, he was thinking that nothing at all mattered; That it'll be better off dying. But here, he saw Elsword doing his best to make him comfortable and happy. With his own eyes now free, he saw the physical world and the toll that Elsword seemed to be taking just for him. He had asked why before and Elsword had responded that he was a friend. Plus, they were living together for a while after all. Elsword never gave up on him even though Ain gave up on himself a long time ago. But why go this far? What's going on? Why is he doing this? Why is he going through such lengths for such a shell of a man? But what came out of Ain's mouth wasn't these questions or thoughts but instead, "...Am I a burden...?"

The room was quiet for several moments. "...Ain...never...never say that again." Elsword's voice was quiet and wavering. "...You're not a burden...You never were and you'll never be one. Don't ever think of yourself that way. Don't ever ask or say that again." Ain couldn't see in the dark, but Elsword was shaking. Elsword held a hand over his other wrist. When he heard those words out of Ain's mouth, he couldn't help but to feel a sharp jab in his chest. He breathed in to stop his tears but they fell anyway. The tears spilled onto the pillow. He tried to muffle his sobs so that Ain wouldn't hear.

Ain shuffled over to the edge of the bed. With the best of his ability, he slipped onto the floor with a thud. It startled Elsword and he wiped his face as much as he could but before he turned around, he felt a small tug on the back of his tank top. That simple action conveyed so much words and emotions that Ain wanted but couldn't sort out or express. But Elsword understood.

Elsword steadied his breathing before he spoke. "...It's okay, Ain. Are you hurt?"

"...No..." Ain replied.

Elsword turned to face Ain. He couldn't see his face nor vice versa. He wondered if this was how Ain felt when he couldn't see. He hesitated before moving closer. Ain felt his warmth and his emotional chaos inside him calmed. Then, Elsword searched and held Ain's hand. Memories of the past wafted in Ain's mind as he remembered that Elsword used to do this when he had trouble sleeping at night due to being upset about Ishmael. It always worked. The gentleness and warmness lulled Ain to sleep. "...Sweet dreams, Ain."