Title: Full Circle: Fog, a.k.a. Fruit Stand Love
Author: labyrinthine
E-mail: [1]elabyrinthine@yahoo.com
Summary: You must travel full circle to find the truth...Sydney confronts Vaughn over the futility of leaving SD-6.
Notes: Fruit Stand Love!!! Well, sort of. Thank you, gophish, for letting me steal this wild idea. And a double thanks to hil for TWO betas this roll around, this piece works because of your killer metaphors.
"With lips unbrightened, wreathless brow, I stroll,
And would you learn the spells that drowse my soul?
Work without hope draws nectar in a sieve,
And Hope without an object cannot live."
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge
*****
Sydney eased out of her car and stretched languidly. She made a point to be early this time, and took the opportunity to really look around for once before he showed up. The farmer's market fruit stand, located off an unkept county road on the edge of an empty field, offered little to keep her entertained. The weather was also turning - visibility was practically nil - and coupled with the lone occupant at the stand, there wouldn't be a problem of the two of them being seen together. It was a hassle to drive to but she was relieved this is where they were meeting. She didn't want to be pent up behind glass, the illusion of freedom. The fog was bad enough, enclosing her in a narrow bubble of clarity.
She heard his car pull up in the makeshift parking lot, but kept her attention focused on the paltry spread of produce presented before her. After a moment he entered her field of vision and watched as he halfheartedly picked up a tomato. He appraised its lackluster quality, frowned, and placed it back. It was no wonder, she thought idly; it was out of season for tomatoes. Maybe they were out of season too: the absolute ripe eagerness she brought to their first meetings together had taken its toll, and the novelty of taking down SD-6 had worn into something huge and daunting, a neverending task. She wondered if she was overripe, past her expiration date.
"How was the trip?"
"Unremarkable." Monotone. She felt as flat as her voice.
"Notice anything-"
"No."
She walked away from the stand, to give herself some space. The encroaching fog captivated her full attention, obscuring every object in its path. Perhaps if she walked a little further, she too would be cloaked and hidden from view.
"Sydney, if this is about what happened at the diner-"
"This isn't about the diner."
"Because I know I might have upset you-"
"You didn't upset me."
She felt his hands on her shoulders, suddenly, and was forcibly half-turned to meet him eye to eye. "Damnit Sydney, will you let me finish."
Silence. Fine. She was too exhausted to think up a line of defense anyway.
"Look. I shouldn't have let you leave the way you did. You just caught me by surprise. I was...worried, for you. I still am. But I've thought about it, and I think you may be right. Time off would do you good." She shifted slightly away from him, but he picked up, almost eagerly. "You should enjoy it. If Sloane's given you time off..."
It was easier just to tune him out completely. The emotion he was drawing from hit her like a slap in the face compared to the complete lack of inflection she was able to muster for her speech. The fog was a safer choice, she decided, but after a few moments realized she could never hide in it like she had first considered. It was transparent, rolling in for a few hours before rolling out, leaving no trace of ever passing through. What was the point of hiding when you would only return?
"...Sydney."
She turned, mute. There were no words.
"What are you not telling me here?"
She shook her head, inperceptively. Why was she even here? At a deserted out of season fruit stand, in the winter, surrounded by fog. Standing with a man she barely knew, really, supposedly discussing a mission where she was hardly a participant. Before, it might have surprised her to realize how not out of the ordinary this situation had become.
"Sydney." He was confused now, she could tell, and perhaps a little anxious as well. "I would think you would be happy, you know. Since you won't need to deal with this, even look at Sloane's face, for nearly a month."
"It's a tease." Under her voice, barely audible.
"Excuse me?"
She took a breath. "The time off. The vacation, not looking at Sloane's face, as you so aptly put it. It's just a tease." After a pause of silence on his part she continued. "I honestly only asked for the break because my friends were getting suspicious of the bank cover. And now I've got it, all this time off, and it's just a tease."
"What, you don't think Sloane was serious about-"
"-the time off? He's serious. I really don't think I'll hear a peep from him for three weeks."
"Then I don't understand."
He wouldn't, she thought. After a moment of steeling herself, she lifted her eyes to his face; the sincere confusion etched prominently over his visage. "I don't want this. Any of this, not the double agent crap, not the constant lying to my friends, the total deception." His face became animated, expectant, ready to speak, and she cut him off. "Let me finish. I know I've already been through this with you, and I know this is something I'll never be able to walk away from."
"All the more reason for you to take this kind of opportunity-"
"And do what? Study for finals like a good little grad student, then take some token vacation with Francie to prove I'm still around some of the time? This isn't a vacation; it's just acting from a different script."
"You can't believe that."
She laughed, then, something harsh and bitter being freed. "It's a tease, just like I said. I'll never be rid of this. Why pretend to be normal for three weeks and put SD-6 and all that I do out of my mind, when in no way will I ever be free from it? This vacation, time off, whatever you call it, all it's doing is showing me what I'll never be able to have."
He shook his head. "You don't know that for sure."
She would have rolled her eyes, if she were so inclined. "Give it up, Vaughn. You showed me the contact map for SD-6 yourself. There's no way we'll ever bring them down in my lifetime. All the hacker viruses and double switches in the world won't make it happen - they're just too well established."
A pause. "You're giving up."
"I didn't say that. Besides, I can't, remember? All I'm doing is stating the obvious: I could work my whole life trying to bring down SD-6 and never see it realized. Hell, I'll have to work my entire life doing just that, because I'm already in too deep to ever get out. And the longer I'm there, the more tangled I'll become in the grand scheme of things. This whole break from the job? It's exactly what I'll never have for real."
She waited for a response, and when there wasn't one, stepped slightly away to gain some vantage. "Look, Vaughn, I don't want to sound accusatory or anything, alright? I just...I just wish I didn't have such nosy friends. It would be so much easier for me to not take the time off and just do the job; that way I wouldn't have the time to think about the situation I'm in like I've already started doing. And I do apologize for laying it on you, but you're the only person-"
"Do you remember the last time you said that to me?" He broke through her tirade with a suddenness that surprised her.
Sydney turned to face him, but his gaze was fixed on some distant point in the field. "On the pier," he continued, "after your father stood you up."
"Yes..." She couldn't see why he would bring this up again.
"And do you remember what I told you then? That this job is a horrible, often unforgiving existence. That you will see the worst in people, and sometimes only focus on the worst of yourself. I think you're doing that now, and that maybe the time off will give you a clearer perspective-"
"Vaughn." She couldn't..."Thank you for trying to help. Really. And maybe you're right, time alone will give me perspective. Just not the kind you're thinking of." She tried to collect her thoughts, wanting to say it right. "It's just hit me all at once, realizing all the things I'll never have because of what I'm doing. Before, in the warehouse, I told you I wanted something in my life to be real. And now I know I'll never have that chance. This-" she half spun around, gesturing at their deserted surroundings, "-this is my life. This is what I've got to work with, and I just...need to accept the situation and make the most of it. I haven't given up. I've just opened my eyes." It was all terribly matter-of-fact, she noticed, spoken with a finality that unnerved her.
And there was nothing he could say in response. Sydney could tell he was distressed, but the weight of her declaration was too heavy to lift with simple assurances or misled convictions. Together they stood on the edge of the field, and watched the fog roll out.
*****
Full Circle: Fog
elabyrinthine@yahoo.com
A note about this series: the angst WILL start to ease up eventually - all the little installments do make a complete circle and it just so happens that Syd is currently in the sad and angsty part of the whole. Are you looking at this with a blank stare? Stay tuned for more parts to understand~
References
1. mailto:elabyrinthine@yahoo.com
Author: labyrinthine
E-mail: [1]elabyrinthine@yahoo.com
Summary: You must travel full circle to find the truth...Sydney confronts Vaughn over the futility of leaving SD-6.
Notes: Fruit Stand Love!!! Well, sort of. Thank you, gophish, for letting me steal this wild idea. And a double thanks to hil for TWO betas this roll around, this piece works because of your killer metaphors.
"With lips unbrightened, wreathless brow, I stroll,
And would you learn the spells that drowse my soul?
Work without hope draws nectar in a sieve,
And Hope without an object cannot live."
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge
*****
Sydney eased out of her car and stretched languidly. She made a point to be early this time, and took the opportunity to really look around for once before he showed up. The farmer's market fruit stand, located off an unkept county road on the edge of an empty field, offered little to keep her entertained. The weather was also turning - visibility was practically nil - and coupled with the lone occupant at the stand, there wouldn't be a problem of the two of them being seen together. It was a hassle to drive to but she was relieved this is where they were meeting. She didn't want to be pent up behind glass, the illusion of freedom. The fog was bad enough, enclosing her in a narrow bubble of clarity.
She heard his car pull up in the makeshift parking lot, but kept her attention focused on the paltry spread of produce presented before her. After a moment he entered her field of vision and watched as he halfheartedly picked up a tomato. He appraised its lackluster quality, frowned, and placed it back. It was no wonder, she thought idly; it was out of season for tomatoes. Maybe they were out of season too: the absolute ripe eagerness she brought to their first meetings together had taken its toll, and the novelty of taking down SD-6 had worn into something huge and daunting, a neverending task. She wondered if she was overripe, past her expiration date.
"How was the trip?"
"Unremarkable." Monotone. She felt as flat as her voice.
"Notice anything-"
"No."
She walked away from the stand, to give herself some space. The encroaching fog captivated her full attention, obscuring every object in its path. Perhaps if she walked a little further, she too would be cloaked and hidden from view.
"Sydney, if this is about what happened at the diner-"
"This isn't about the diner."
"Because I know I might have upset you-"
"You didn't upset me."
She felt his hands on her shoulders, suddenly, and was forcibly half-turned to meet him eye to eye. "Damnit Sydney, will you let me finish."
Silence. Fine. She was too exhausted to think up a line of defense anyway.
"Look. I shouldn't have let you leave the way you did. You just caught me by surprise. I was...worried, for you. I still am. But I've thought about it, and I think you may be right. Time off would do you good." She shifted slightly away from him, but he picked up, almost eagerly. "You should enjoy it. If Sloane's given you time off..."
It was easier just to tune him out completely. The emotion he was drawing from hit her like a slap in the face compared to the complete lack of inflection she was able to muster for her speech. The fog was a safer choice, she decided, but after a few moments realized she could never hide in it like she had first considered. It was transparent, rolling in for a few hours before rolling out, leaving no trace of ever passing through. What was the point of hiding when you would only return?
"...Sydney."
She turned, mute. There were no words.
"What are you not telling me here?"
She shook her head, inperceptively. Why was she even here? At a deserted out of season fruit stand, in the winter, surrounded by fog. Standing with a man she barely knew, really, supposedly discussing a mission where she was hardly a participant. Before, it might have surprised her to realize how not out of the ordinary this situation had become.
"Sydney." He was confused now, she could tell, and perhaps a little anxious as well. "I would think you would be happy, you know. Since you won't need to deal with this, even look at Sloane's face, for nearly a month."
"It's a tease." Under her voice, barely audible.
"Excuse me?"
She took a breath. "The time off. The vacation, not looking at Sloane's face, as you so aptly put it. It's just a tease." After a pause of silence on his part she continued. "I honestly only asked for the break because my friends were getting suspicious of the bank cover. And now I've got it, all this time off, and it's just a tease."
"What, you don't think Sloane was serious about-"
"-the time off? He's serious. I really don't think I'll hear a peep from him for three weeks."
"Then I don't understand."
He wouldn't, she thought. After a moment of steeling herself, she lifted her eyes to his face; the sincere confusion etched prominently over his visage. "I don't want this. Any of this, not the double agent crap, not the constant lying to my friends, the total deception." His face became animated, expectant, ready to speak, and she cut him off. "Let me finish. I know I've already been through this with you, and I know this is something I'll never be able to walk away from."
"All the more reason for you to take this kind of opportunity-"
"And do what? Study for finals like a good little grad student, then take some token vacation with Francie to prove I'm still around some of the time? This isn't a vacation; it's just acting from a different script."
"You can't believe that."
She laughed, then, something harsh and bitter being freed. "It's a tease, just like I said. I'll never be rid of this. Why pretend to be normal for three weeks and put SD-6 and all that I do out of my mind, when in no way will I ever be free from it? This vacation, time off, whatever you call it, all it's doing is showing me what I'll never be able to have."
He shook his head. "You don't know that for sure."
She would have rolled her eyes, if she were so inclined. "Give it up, Vaughn. You showed me the contact map for SD-6 yourself. There's no way we'll ever bring them down in my lifetime. All the hacker viruses and double switches in the world won't make it happen - they're just too well established."
A pause. "You're giving up."
"I didn't say that. Besides, I can't, remember? All I'm doing is stating the obvious: I could work my whole life trying to bring down SD-6 and never see it realized. Hell, I'll have to work my entire life doing just that, because I'm already in too deep to ever get out. And the longer I'm there, the more tangled I'll become in the grand scheme of things. This whole break from the job? It's exactly what I'll never have for real."
She waited for a response, and when there wasn't one, stepped slightly away to gain some vantage. "Look, Vaughn, I don't want to sound accusatory or anything, alright? I just...I just wish I didn't have such nosy friends. It would be so much easier for me to not take the time off and just do the job; that way I wouldn't have the time to think about the situation I'm in like I've already started doing. And I do apologize for laying it on you, but you're the only person-"
"Do you remember the last time you said that to me?" He broke through her tirade with a suddenness that surprised her.
Sydney turned to face him, but his gaze was fixed on some distant point in the field. "On the pier," he continued, "after your father stood you up."
"Yes..." She couldn't see why he would bring this up again.
"And do you remember what I told you then? That this job is a horrible, often unforgiving existence. That you will see the worst in people, and sometimes only focus on the worst of yourself. I think you're doing that now, and that maybe the time off will give you a clearer perspective-"
"Vaughn." She couldn't..."Thank you for trying to help. Really. And maybe you're right, time alone will give me perspective. Just not the kind you're thinking of." She tried to collect her thoughts, wanting to say it right. "It's just hit me all at once, realizing all the things I'll never have because of what I'm doing. Before, in the warehouse, I told you I wanted something in my life to be real. And now I know I'll never have that chance. This-" she half spun around, gesturing at their deserted surroundings, "-this is my life. This is what I've got to work with, and I just...need to accept the situation and make the most of it. I haven't given up. I've just opened my eyes." It was all terribly matter-of-fact, she noticed, spoken with a finality that unnerved her.
And there was nothing he could say in response. Sydney could tell he was distressed, but the weight of her declaration was too heavy to lift with simple assurances or misled convictions. Together they stood on the edge of the field, and watched the fog roll out.
*****
Full Circle: Fog
elabyrinthine@yahoo.com
A note about this series: the angst WILL start to ease up eventually - all the little installments do make a complete circle and it just so happens that Syd is currently in the sad and angsty part of the whole. Are you looking at this with a blank stare? Stay tuned for more parts to understand~
References
1. mailto:elabyrinthine@yahoo.com
