Time heals wounds (but leaves scars)


21.

Mai waits for Zuko's twenty-first birthday to pass before she broaches the subject. Contrary to popular belief, she's not a heartless bitch. They both know it's been a long time coming, anyway.

About four years in the making, she'd say.

She leans against the doorframe of his study. "Hey. May this noblewoman have an audience with the Firelord?"

He looks up form the daunting stacks of scrolls on his desk. His skin is pale in the flickering light emanating from the oil lamp beside him, and his features are drawn and weary. "Of course, she may."

He then cracks a smile, and Mai never fails to be astounded by the way that simple gesture makes him look younger- like the handsome, youthful man he's supposed to be, and not their nation's diligent sovereign.

She loves his smile. Always has. It's a smile tinted with a strange innocence, some form of purity that was at complete odds with Azula's calculating grin. Even if the smile was hardly ever shot in her direction (it had four main recipients: his mother, uncle, cousin and a family of turtleducks), young Mai was enthralled.

She's older now, though. And a beautiful smile from an even more beautiful boy isn't enough anymore.

She's suddenly nervous. Some things must come to an end, but it's a whole other issue to actually be the one to end it. "What are you up to?"

He rubs a hand over his face. "Trade deals with the water tribe. We started with furs and meat, but they've got some quality cloth as well." He sifts through papers and, finding the right one, plucks it up and brings it closer to the lamp. "Katara mentions in her latest letter something about a healing school. Our nation's been focusing on war for so long- maybe it might be good to switch to something a little more...," he grimaces as he searches for the appropriate word, "helpful."

His hand absently drifts to the scar on his chest, fingers tracing the raised skin she knows lies under the red silk tunic. It's an area she knows well, only because she's never been allowed to go near it. He doesn't say it outright, of course. But she would have to be a fool to miss it- the way his hand will grab hers as it trails down his chest. The way his fingers will tighten in her hair and pull her up for a kiss when she drags her lips across the bare skin above his stomach.

He never talks about it, but she knows. The scar- it's hers. The waterbender's.

Whether he'll admit it or not. Honestly, she doesn't think he realizes what he's doing.

Nevertheless, the simple action gives her all the confirmation she needs. This life isn't what she wants. It's never been what she wants.

"Zuko." His eyes snap to hers at her tone. "It's...It's time. We're done."

"What?" He looks hurt, but there's no hint of surprise. "But, aren't you happy, Mai?"

"I am, sometimes." She gives him a small smile. She's stingy with those, but this one she saves just for him. "I want more than sometimes, though." She takes a step closer. "You have to want more, too."

He puts down his pen and drops his chin to his chest. "Sometimes. Yeah." It comes out as a sigh.

She steps around his desk and places a hand on his shoulder. "I care about you, Zuko. Hell, I might even love you a little." Her lips twitch at snort that escapes him. She's never been one to spontaneously burst out with declarations of affection. "I may have been raised for a life like this, but I hate it. I hate the politics, I hate endless meetings with diplomatic representatives, I hate the pomp that comes with all of," she raises her arms and gestures vaguely at their surroundings, "this."

Her boyfriend's (or ex-boyfriend now, she corrects herself) usually far too open face is inscrutable as he studies her from his chair. He's learning.

"Yeah. You've always said that. And yet, after everything, you came back for the coronation. My coronation. You came back to me. What did you expect, Mai?"

She straightens and shrugs. "I was young. I thought you'd be enough."

Zuko swears under his breath and lets out a humorless chuckle. "Gee, thanks."

Mai rolls her eyes at his reaction. "Oh, come off it, Zuko. You know that's not what I mean."

She was raised to be the perfect Fire Lady; docile, obedient. A woman seen but not heard. It's ironic that a nation that prides itself on a semblance of equality between the sexes should reserve such a passive role for the spouse of their leader. She thinks of Sozin and Ozai. Ah, that's probably why.

Zuko becoming Firelord has changed that- during the last four years he's overhauled some of the very foundations of the Fire Nation, keeping its core values of duty and honor but enforcing international responsibility and respect of others. He's given a voice to his people. It's expected that the future Fire Lady would have a voice as well.

The thing is, Mai couldn't care less about that.

She cares about her nation (more or less, anyway). However, she has less than zero interest in actually running it.

"I don't want to be Fire Lady. I think the Fire Nation deserves someone who'd be proud to hold that position. And that's not me, Zuko."

She takes in a deep breath. She hasn't even started on what's wrong with them on a personal level.

He's now one of the only people capable to make her smile- aside from Ty Lee and Tom-Tom- but it doesn't change the fact that they have problems. Deep-rooted ones they never talk about.

Their entire relationship started with them reveling in their mutual misery, encouraging their joint glumness. Having Azula set them up should have been a warning sign, now that she thinks about it. He used to resent her aloofness, her lack of demonstration. She would roll her eyes at his tendency to dramatize.

She still does, sometimes. Maybe he does, too.

He keeps secrets from her, opting to not involve her in matters that concern his country or his family. Taking off to look for his mother is a fine example of this. It occurs to her it might partly be her fault; she remembers rebuking his former attempts at sharing his feelings.

Well, it's a bit late to make amends for that now.

"This thing, us- we're not right together. it's a miracle we lasted four years. Or maybe we lasted this long because we don't care enough."

He starts to protest. "I care about you, Mai."

She knows he's telling the truth. He does care. But-

"Not like that."

She points, and Zuko follows the direction of her finger, only to find himself staring at his own hand resting on his chest. He has the decency to look ashamed.

"Mai-" His voice is soft, the rasp cracking her name in two.

"I don't want to be second choice." The truth sounds strange out loud. It feels good, though. She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter now. You're one of the bravest people I've ever met. But when it comes to you and your personal life, Zuko, you're a coward."

He flinches. His head drops into his palms and he leans his elbows on the desk.

"I hope one day you find it in you to be brave enough to be happy." She leans forward and brushes her lips against his cheek. "Take care of yourself, Zuko."

Head still bowed in one hand, he reaches out to grab her wrist, fingers folding into a tight grip, then releases her. "You too, Mai."

She slips around his desk and heads out of his study. At the door, she pauses and looks back. "I'm thinking about visiting the Earth Kingdom. Ty Lee has been ranting about a weapons shop that just opened. And I sort of miss her." She lifts a shoulder. "Maybe I'll bring Tom-Tom too. He's been wanting to go back there for a while now." There's a weight on her shoulders, the heaviness of something important ending. She knows it will get lighter with time. "If you need anything, you know how to find me."

He nods, and it strikes her how small he suddenly looks behind his desk, under those layers and layers of dark cloth covering that ruby-colored tunic. She feels a pang of something in her chest. Sadness, maybe- but it's definitely not regret.

"See you around, Zuko." His gold eyes burn as he watches her leave. "Be happy."

"Thank you, Mai. I hope you find happiness too." There's no regret on his face or in his voice either.

Their eyes meet, and a current of understanding and respect passes. It hits Mai that this is probably one of the most honest exchanges they've ever had during their relationship. The thought seems to occur to Zuko too, as he blinks at her and smiles softly.

She shuts the door behind her, and lets out a breath. They're going to be fine. They're going to be happy.

It just won't be together, and maybe that's okay.


Notes: I'm trying to stick to the timeline, but for certain events, there might be a gap of a few years. Such as Mai and Zuko breaking up (it's apparently one year post-finale in the comics, but let's go with four here).

I found it really hard to get into Mai's head, so I hope that wasn't too obvious in the writing. She's a tough one, this Mai.