Disclaimer: Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.
Author's note:
The Eleventh Hour.
Lily spent the evening with James and the other seventh year Gryffindors; Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice and Audrey. James sat close to her with his hand on her knee; she tried to force thoughts of what was to come out of her head, tried not to act guilty before she had committed the crime. Slowly everyone began to ascend to their dorms, sleepily calling out their last minute jokes, hugging each other goodnight. James held Lily close for quite a while, murmuring sweet nothings into her hair. She could not feel his warmth, would not let it penetrate too closely, she wanted to let him into the book of her life but had to close the chapter that had come before. At first she had seen only negatives in meeting Severus tonight but she knew it was something they both had to do, she had to face him before she could shut him out. She had told him she had loved him and that was still true. Love was not brief or periphery. There would always be a small part of Lily that loved Severus, it was the nature of love itself to be eternal, otherwise she had not truly loved him.
Hugging Alice and Audrey goodnight, Lily climbed into her bed, pulling the hangings closed yet she did not close her eyes, she stole a glance at her bedside clock, it was 10:30. That meant the girls would have to fall asleep within the next 20 minutes so she could tip-toe out of the room and out into the castle.
While Lily feigned sleep, Severus was sitting at their chosen spot; his legs stretched out before him, his eyes wandering the empty and almost pitch black grounds far below him. Whenever they needed privacy they climbed to the roof of the owlery, its slate tiles cold and hard yet they never complained within the warmth of each others arms. A green and silver blanket was thrown around his bony shoulders and he snuggled into it further as slow spirals of snow began to drift into his hair. His mind had been consumed in agony since he had asked Lily to return here, it had been a spare of the moment thing, one of those moments where the truth rolls off your tongue before you can pull it back. He had almost regretted it, but his desire to see her again overrode all his fear. There was simply nothing he could do if she still hated him, he had tried and tried to win back her affection but the mistakes he had made were too mountainous for her to climb over. They had not shared this spot for over six months and his body ached for her next to him again. He startled as she swung into view, lifting herself carefully and quickly over the edge of the roof, he started up to help her but she had already managed it. Dusting her hands on her robe she looked deep into his features. Severus felt the instant urge to rush to her, to sweep her into his arms, to hold her. His body shook as he prohibited it from movement and merely managed a word, "Hello".
"Hello" she smiled back, brushing slowly past him to take a seat, folding her own cloak tightly around herself. This was all too formal, too rash, too sudden.
Taking his own seat he forced himself to sit so their bodies were not touching, tilting his head so he could look at her, he took a prolonged breath before plunging into speech:
"I want you to know that even if on the outside I'm screaming for the Dark Lord and seem to be edging on the killings and horrible other things that are happening to muggles, it's not me. It's not me Lily. Being in Slytherin is so hard to explain to you, it's not about friendship and bravery; it's about living up to expectations and winning your way to the top and about fitting in. I know this doesn't excuse me but there is a lot of pressure on me to conform, to yield." He had blurted this out in almost one breath, his voice trailing off towards the end, hating his own words. Even as he said it, it seemed weak and superficial.
Lily's voice was small and fragile as she spoke, "These things do not really matter Sev, this popularity vote, and it is not about being on top or fitting in. Don't you realise that people are dying? Actual people, perhaps my family. I just cannot comprehend this, I do not see what my mother and father and sister can possibly have done, what I have done? Muggles for the most part do not even know we exist. This is pure bullying, killing people while their backs are turned, unaware and unable to fight back. Do you want me to accept that you partake of this? I could never do that, I could never accept and agree with such a decision."
"I'm going to stop it." His words had formed before he had even considered them.
Her eyes widened in surprise before they narrowed again, "never say what you cannot uphold, especially to me. I could not cope with you lying to me as well as everything else. You should not have to say such a huge declaration you should just perform it and expect nothing in return, that is what it is to truly mean something."
He had covered the distance between them in the second she had finished talking, his hands taking either side of her face, parting her lips with his own he felt his entire body stiffen and then melt, it seemed to him that he was home. And then she was pulling back out of his grasp, her eyes fresh with tears, her lips wet from his own mouth.
"I cannot do this anymore Sev, you are tearing me apart piece by piece and feeding the pieces to your death eater friends. But do not think for one second that I do not want you, that I do not love you."
Forcing herself to her feet, Lily rose away from his grasp, from his warmth and hurried back into the castle.
Severus looked around, and he did not know why but never, never before, did the grounds, the forest, the very depth of the midnight sky, appear to him so hopeless and so dark, so impenetrable to human thought, so pitiless to human weakness.
The eleventh hour drew to a close.
