Ok I am not dead. And yes I haven't updated in almost two years. I was going to make this story five chapters but I decided to combine the last two into one. I was just going to give up on this but then mikan26 decided to follow my story a few days ago and I figured if someone still wants to read this then I'd finish it. So this chapter is for you mikan. I don't own Sailor Moon. There is some harsh language in this chapter and major triggers enjoy! ^-^
Dinner was hard the simple action of bringing food from the plate to your mouth was a challenge for Usagi. Talking with Minako was the only actual helpful thing that happened since she left the hospital. It didn't last though. Once everyone, however reluctant, left for their own homes Usagi was left alone with nothing but her thoughts. Of course the darkness too. There was no getting away from the repressiveness that the lack of color or light or anything provided.
"I'm going upstairs," Usagi muttered quickly feeling around for her cane before she opened and headed for the stairs.
"Usagi!" Her mother protested.
"No mom, it's ok," Usagi called back not turning around as she fumbled up the stairs.
"It's not ok," Usagi, whispers under her breath as she makes it to the top of the staircase. "Help."
Usagi started school a week after that first night home. The first day was the worst. People thought Usagi was joking at first trying to get out of the long overdue homework she had. Everyone shut up after Usagi broke down in front of the class ripping the glasses Amy had given her to cover her eyes off her face.
"AM I FAKING THIS!?" Usagi had yelled throwing her classes across the room her eyes scanning unseeing over the class.
"WHY THE FUCK WOULD I LIE ABOUT THIS!?" She had continued before Minako managed to make it over to her, glasses in hand. Usagi had continued to rant but about what was lost as Minako apologized profusely for her as she guided her out of the room. No one commented about her blindness for a while, but that didn't last long. The few bullies that were at the school found their way to Usagi not long after her very public breakdown. Many times Minako or Amy would find Usagi lying on the ground her cane nowhere to be seen as would have to escort her home, while the rest of her friends looked for the item. Sometimes people would come to Usagi's aid against the bullies. Most of the time they would just walk by not wanting to get involved, think "Hey she can't see my she wouldn't even know I was here." Of course she could always hear their footsteps as they walked away, she could tell there were other there because there was always a hesitant step before the sound would get faster before they faded away.
It went on for weeks like that. Usagi would go to school with her friends putting a fake smile on her face pretending she wasn't dreading the hours to come. She would let the bullies beat her physically and emotionally, because what choice did she have. She was blind not like she could see where they were or how far away they were. When her parents asked about her cane she would always smile and laugh it off saying she must have left it in one of her classes, and her friends would show up soon after her cane in hand. Only when she was alone in her room could she let the act drop and cry. Sometimes she would only cry for a little bit, but other times she would find it was morning when her mom came to wake her and she hadn't slept, those seemed to happen more often as the days went on. Finally this long weekend came and Usagi could sigh with relief she could finally be left alone for a long while.
When no one heard anything from Usagi's room all night Sunday night, let alone Monday morning when her friends showed up at the door her family decided she just wanted to be left alone. It was decided shortly after the long weekend came up that Usagi would start going to school only Monday's Wednesday's and Friday's to give her a rest from school, at Usagi's request.
"I don't think this is a good idea," Amy whispers to Minako as they stand inside the door waiting for Usagi to come down the stairs.
"Well there's nothing we can do about it. You know how she gets when she sets her mind to something." Minako sighs resigned.
After waiting around awkwardly for about ten minutes Amy and Minako both started to worry. After another five they decided to go upstairs to see if Usagi needed help regardless of the argument that was bound to happen after. It was eerily quiet upstairs, no alarm was going off pushing Usagi to get ready because she snoozed the first three, and it was solemn and dull. Almost like the happiness that usually filled the house had crawled upstairs, into a corner, and died. Everything felt off, like someone should be doing something.
"I don't like this, something is wrong," Amy, muttered wringing her hands together nervously as they made their way to Usagi's room.
"I don't like it either, let's just get Usagi and get out fast," Minako nodded quickening her pace as the two came around to Usagi's door. There was no light on, no warmth seeping from the room like there usually when someone had slept like Usagi does. They didn't knock, it didn't feel right, they went in and what they saw was terrible.
"Where is she!?" Amy almost shouted before deciding against it at the last second.
"I don't know, but no one saw her leave which means she's still up here." Minako reasoned wringing her hands together as possibilities ran through her head.
"Check the other rooms." Minako ordered walking towards Usagi's bathroom.
The light was on, but when Minako called Usagi's name there was no answer.
"Amy!" Minako called scared.
"What is it?!" Amy questions almost running back into Usagi's room at Minako's call.
"I think she might be in here, but she isn't answering."
"Well you don't know she's in there," Amy tried to reason obviously frightened at Minako's implications.
"Every fiber of my being is telling me not to go in there, but at the same time I know I have to." Minako stated her hand grasping the handle to the bathroom. When she opened the door she screamed. A guttural scream that embodied all the pain and resentment at the scene that lied before her.
Sitting, or more like floating, in the bathtub was Usagi with two long vertical cut going from her wrists to her elbows in sort of a zigzag pattern as she obviously couldn't see where her arm started and stopped. The water was red and Usagi was pale and cold when Minako went to grab a towel for her wrists. Amy couldn't look in the bathroom and ran to the nearest trashcan and vomited. Her parents came bounding up the stairs and reacted the same, her dad was more level headed and call and ambulance, but it was clear there was nothing to do. The worst part was that she had her clothes on and a note lying sloppily folding on the toilet. She had gotten a voice program so she could write a few weeks ago; the reason at the time seemed innocent. Now it felt like this could have been the only reason she wanted the damn thing. The note didn't say much, only that she couldn't handle life as it was now, and that is wasn't anyone's fault. Not that it helped. Mamoru had woken up to an empty bed that morning and new something was wrong, Chibiusa always overslept.
Everyone blamed themselves for Usagi's death; no one could keep it together at her funeral. It was sudden, but looking back at the signs it was obvious that this is where Usagi was headed. After that Mamoru wouldn't talk to anyone, having lost not only Usagi but Chibiusa too. He dropped out of school and lost touch with everyone. Rei blames herself for always being too hard on her and Setsuna blames herself for not seeing this coming. Michiru and Haruka won't talk to anyone other than each other now and dived into their schoolwork and jobs. Hotaru sits around at Setsuna's all day and hardly eats; she won't talk to anyone so we don't know how she's doing. Amy threw herself into her medical training and started up a donation fund in Usagi's name to help with suicide prevention. Makoto helps with donations and has dedicated many of her recipes in Usagi's honor. Minako got into acting and raises awareness about suicide and it's prevention. Not one day goes by that they don't think about Usagi. Everyone still goes by her house for dinner every once in a while. Her mother and father still get by, but can't help but blame themselves for not knowing something was wrong. Sam doesn't talk much anymore, and he hardly sees his friends. He's trying to get better though, so that's progress. In the end there was nothing anyone could do. There will always be maybe's.
"Maybe if I had made her talk to me," Amy thinks.
"Maybe if I hadn't left that first night," Minako blames herself.
"Maybe if I had stuck by her in school," Makoto wonders as she bakes.
"Maybe if I had made her come downstairs and talk with us," Her mother cries to her father every night.
"Maybe if we had helped defeat that enemy," Haruka and Michiru blame as they work.
"Maybe if I had been there more," Mamoru thinks constantly as he sits alone.
"Maybe if I had been nicer," Rei thinks as she meditates.
"Maybe if I had checked on her more," Setsuna worries as she pays her bills.
"Maybe if I had helped them more with fighting," Hotaru wonders and she watches television.
"Maybe if I had been a better brother," Sam thinks while he should be learning in school.
But maybes don't help anything. At a certain point a person decides they don't want help, and ever so rarely do they listen otherwise. If you worried about someone or you feel like no one is there for you just talk to someone. They might not be able to make all of your feelings go away but they could help.
"Maybe if I had talked to someone," Usagi would think if she was still here.
