WARNING: This chapter portrays pregnancy loss.

Day 1

Kitchen duty is by far her least favorite chore, but they rotate and this week the industrial ship size kitchen falls on her. She has wiped down the counters, swept, mopped, washed any dishes left from breakfast that morning and now it was time for the dreaded oven. She opens the oven door and kneels next to it with the bucket of soapy water. She can't use the usual spray cleaner because Daniel had warned her about fumes while pregnant. Since they aren't ready to tell anyone yet she can't ask to be taken off certain duties. They would have to explain why, so she improvises where she needs to. She takes the scouring sponge and dips it in the bucket and pauses for a slight cramp low in her hips. Not the first of the day, but certainly trying to demand her attention. She remembers this from last time. Something about the muscles stretching or something. She doesn't think much about it and goes about scrubbing the oven.

It happens again five minutes later.

Ten minutes after that she feels another, but this time the cramp is strong and stretches across her entire lower midsection. It feels like a belt tightening around her. This isn't like last time at all. She waits for it to pass, but instead it grows stronger. She places a hand against the cabinet next to her to brace herself. Her muscles are so tight it almost feels like a labor pain. The cramp recedes enough that she feels she can move, but it's still there, a constant. With one hand against her abdomen she quickly pulls herself up and makes her way out of the kitchen. She hopes she doesn't run into any of the others before she makes it to him.


Daniel is doing what he always does. Same room, same thing, different day. Although he hasn't made many notes and he keeps staring off into the distance. Too much on his mind today and he turns the Asguard holo off realizing he isn't going to get anything done. He barely turns to the door when she crashes in. She hits the doorframe hard and leans against the wall, both arms wrapped around her middle. He is beside her in an instant. He pulls her up and she looks at him with a panicky expression that makes his stomach drop. He can't even ask what is wrong as she doubles over and groans. He pulls her into his arms, picks her up and is running her to the medical bay before either of them say a word.

There isn't anything anyone can do, not even him. He knows before he places her on the bed. He knows before he sees the blood. What he doesn't know is what to do. Vala is in the fetal position holding her stomach, breathing through the pain. There are no doctors, no medical professionals to help. All he can do is watch and hope she comes out of this okay. Because he can't handle the alternative.

He feels numb and powerless. He holds her hand, kisses her head, changes her or the linens on the bed when needed, but for the most part he just watches her suffer. He watches their child fade away.

The hard ones last over an hour. The ones where she shys away if he tries to hold her. The ones that make her writhe and curl up. The ones that make him want to scream out to the universe that enough was enough. He wanted to beg and plead for this to stop, for her to be okay. Except he knows no one is listening and no one is going to help.

After that she lets him know they are still there, but not as bad. The bleeding has slowed somewhat, but she looks pale. He doesn't want to think about how much blood she has lost. Doesn't want to think about what they lost. He pulls a chair up to her bed. She lies there. He sits. She doesn't cry. He could. They don't speak.


"I think it's almost over." She whispers. It's much later. Probably around dinner time. The rest of the group would be sitting down to dinner, wondering where they were. Someone would come looking. She doesn't want to be here when they do.

He doesn't answer, just puts his hand on her shoulder. She doesn't pull away this time and he wants to hold her so bad. Wants to feel her because she is his comfort and he wants to feel anything other than this anguish that is gnawing in his chest. Knows he can't ask that of her.

"I don't want to be here anymore." She adds. "Can we go back to the room?"

He would give her anything. He can't give her anything. Grabs some of the padding to take with them and carefully puts his arms under and lifts her up and against him. She winces and he watches her face carefully, waiting until he can move with her. She nods and he takes her away. Not wanting to ever come back. Wondering if it is fair to ask Sam to clean up. Not caring because none of this is fair.

He lays her in their bed. He lies next to her. She watches the wall and he watches her. Eventually he puts his arms around her. They fall asleep like that.


Day 2

He wakes up before her. At some point she had moved away from him and is again in a fetal position on the edge of her side of the bed. She is so pale. Pale enough that he hesitates and then reaches out to take her pulse on her neck. He lets out the biggest sigh of relief to feel that she is still with him.

His stomach growls because they missed two meals yesterday. Doesn't know if she will want to eat, but wants to have something for her because she needs to eat or at the least drink. He carefully rolls off the bed, gets dressed and quietly exits the room.

She is awake, but doesn't let him know. She listens to him leave and opens her eyes. She slowly sits up. Her stomach muscles are sore and it hurts to move. The cramping has stopped. Did sometime last night after he had fallen asleep. She needs to pee and change her pads. She wants to go back to sleep, go back to oblivion. She moves instead and immediately gets dizzy and falls back down on the bed. She ignores the room spinning and pulls herself back up. She braces against anything she can reach to get to the bathroom. She refuses to be knocked down by this.

After changing she pulls on the silk robe he got her for Christmas. The cold material feels good on her skin. She stands in the middle of the room, not sure what to do. She is still tired, but doesn't want to lie down anymore. Doesn't want her body dictating and deciding what she does. She doesn't want to sit or do anything. So she stands still.

He finds her like that. The door opens and he expects to find her still asleep. He stops abruptly, startled to find her just standing there. He sets the tray of food he brought back on the desk to his left.

"I didn't know if you would be hungry." He says instead of what he wants to say which is he's sorry this happened. Wants to ask if she is ok, but knows she isn't. Wants to ask what he can do, knows she will say nothing. Instead he simply comes up behind her letting her know he was there without saying any of the cliché things that keep coming to his mind.

"Thank you."

"Don't…God… you don't have to thank me for anything." He moves to be in front of her so he can see her face. "Vala, I don't even know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. Not your fault."

"It isn't your fault either. You know that, right?"

She nods her head slightly, but he doesn't believe her.

"Vala, listen to me. There is nothing you could do."

She half opens her mouth and then closes it. Four years later and there are still moments she struggles to talk to him. Knows he would listen, but still struggles. Too many walls put up over the years. "No, I know that. I just…I feel sad. I do, but what I feel more than that is relief. How horrible of a mother am I that I feel relief when my children cease to be?"

He takes her face in his hands. "No, no sweetheart. Don't think that. You are allowed to feel hurt. You are also allowed to feel relieved because this isn't a life for anyone, let alone a baby. You feel whatever you want to."

"I don't want to feel anything right now, Daniel." She looks at him and then crawls back into bed because despite not wanting to lie down she has used all her energy up. She has nothing left. She is empty. She feels deafening empty where yesterday there was a small life inside her.


Day 3

The bleeding has stopped and just like that it was over. Her body could go back to normal and it was like it never happened.

Except it did. She has one little pee stick left that says it did. They had kept it for some reason in a drawer in the bathroom. She gets it out and looks at it. She lets it fall in the trash. Daniel is emptying the trash regularly right now so neither of them had to look at the bloody medical pads. She wishes he had left something in there because those two blue lines are sitting in the trash staring at her. Almost taunting her. So she grabs the roll of toilet paper and unravels the whole thing into the trash can. Now she can't see the two blue lines. Good.

He enters sometime later with another tray of food. He keeps pushing food on her. She obliged last night to make him feel better. Today, she doesn't care or need to make him feel better.

"I made your favorite. Bacon omelet with extra bacon." He sets the tray down on the bed.

She barely glances at it. "No thank you."

"Okay, what about some milk or orange juice? Are you thirsty?"

"No." She gets up from where she sits and walks to the other side of the room. It was starting to feel small. She wants to leave. She wants space and she knows she could go to the damn hanger bay, the biggest area on the ship, and she still wouldn't have enough space. She hates this ship.

"Hey, come here." He tries to pull her toward him, but she pushes him away. He takes a step back toward her and she places a hand on his chest to keep him where he is.

"Vala."

His sad pity filled tone is more than she can take. "I don't want to talk, Daniel."

They stand there for a moment and then she pounds her other fist into his chest. It feels good and angry. She does it again and he lets her.

"You said-" She hits him again. "You made me-" And again. "You made me think this would-" Now she is pounding him non-stop. He stumbles back a bit, but she steps toward him and keeps at it. "-be okay! You said it would and it's not. It's not okay!" She screams.

He stops her by wrapping his arms around her. She wiggles and fights to get free, but he holds her. "I know! I know and I'm sorry!" He says into her ear.

She is sobbing against him, still trying to push him off of her. Her knees give out and they both drop to the ground. He pulls her back into him and she gives up and lets him.

She burrows into him except she can't get close enough. Feels his arms around her, but they don't surround her enough. Wants to fall completely into him until all she feels is him instead of the ache and emptiness that fills every inch of her.

He doesn't tell her it is okay because it isn't. Doesn't tell her not to be angry because he is too. It felt unfair when she became pregnant. It had seemed worst case scenario. He had been wrong. This, this moment right here was worse.

So they sit there against their bed feeling raw and broken. Trying not to think about a baby that never should have been, but they mourn anyway.