Noxi: So writing the horses? Has become the best part about this fic. I literally itch to write them, write Carol interacting with them. Her feelings on them, anything. You guys are going to be bombarded by horses throughout this whole fic if my feels have anything to say about it. And I honestly cannot thank you all enough for the amount of love you have shown me; reviews, follows, favorites. Thank you so much, really. That kind of love just makes me want to write more.
The Walking Dead belongs to Kirkman and AMC.
Empty
There was a hole in her chest. Something that she couldn't close, or patch up. It was like she'd had a part of her ripped away. And really, she had.
Sky was more than just a horse. He was like a child. He had a place in her heart right next to Sophia. He'd been the one she told all of her secrets to late in the night. He was the one who never judged her for never being able to leave Ed. He was the one who had been able to make her laugh when she didn't think she could. He was the one that she didn't have to speak to that understood everything about her.
And now that he was gone she felt empty inside.
It didn't help that everywhere she looked everything reminded her of Sky. The mountains to the north of her - she used to ride the trails, marked and unmarked with him. He used to get more excited about them than she did. When Sophia was at school and she finally had some time to herself she would take Sky up the trails and they would stay together for a few hours, whether it was riding or just sitting in a patch of sunlight.
The sky above her shining crystal blue in the clear day. He would have kicked his hooves to that sky, tossing his head back. He always knew when it was a good day, and he never used to let her forget it either.
The cattails down by the river swaying to the breeze looked as if they were dancing. And all she could see was Sky running through the pasture, his whinny echoing in her ears as he pranced. He liked to splash through that river when she gave him the chance.
He was black as the midnight sky but he was never more beautiful than when the sun shone on that beautiful coat, like an onyx stone.
She felt the tears slip down her cheeks and she hugged her arms around herself, pulling on the bruise. She hated Ed. Hated everything that he had done to her.
He could call her whatever he wanted, he could hit her, rape her, whip her, mark her for the entire world to see but as long as he left the things she cared for most in the world alone? It didn't matter.
It didn't matter.
He left Sophia alone. He left Sky alone. He left them all alone. She took everything onto herself and it seemed to placate him.
But now?
Henry must have been the last straw. Rick was the last straw.
But she couldn't blame Rick; not for doing what he thought was best. She'd been keeping everyone at arm's length. She'd never allowed anyone to try and save her. Because it didn't matter what they did.
No one had ever cared before. Not even her mother.
She could remember all the times her mother had told her the same story over and over again – about a little girl who had accepted her life as it was. Because that was what she was supposed to do. And she was supposed to be okay with that. Because it was her life.
When her mother took away her doll when she was seven, it was because she wasn't supposed to have it. When her father locked her in the closet, it was because she deserved it. When her mother told her she couldn't cut her hair, it was because short hair was for men and wouldn't attract her a husband. When she had a miscarriage, it was because she'd done something wrong by Ed. When showed her mother the very first bruises it was because she'd done something to deserve them.
So now, this was something she was supposed to accept. She'd done wrong by Ed. She'd not given him what he wanted, didn't try harder to keep Henry around, didn't work harder on the farm, and didn't work harder to please him.
She looked up at the sky, her eyes burning. Her mother and father had groomed her for this life. She knew that now. Knew that she wasn't meant for anything but this. She was going to be walked over her whole life.
She'd never done anything to stand up for herself.
She deserved this. But Sky didn't. She wished Ed would have just beaten her, whipped her, done something to her. But not to her Sky.
"God damn you, Ed," she muttered, the tears burning against her eyes again. She didn't like saying the Lord's name in vain but sometimes she couldn't help it. Sometimes, it was better to ask for forgiveness. She pulled at the grass at her side, tearing chunks from the ground. Wished she'd been tearing into Ed's flesh instead.
Wished she had the strength to do that.
If she had, she would have killed Ed a long time ago.
"Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins, Lord," she cited, prayed. She curled her knees to her chest, hating herself for those thoughts that coursed through her mind. Hating herself for hating them.
Ed never once showed any remorse for all of things he had done to their animals, to her. Why did she have to be the better person?
"Better is the little that the righteous has than the abundance of many wicked," she murmured, not feeling any better for it. The wicked things that Ed had done, that he kept doing never stopped. Were never going to stop. No matter how righteous she continued to be. No matter how good of a wife she tried to be to him.
He would always be the way he was. She would never be what he wanted.
She would always be weak.
A loud bang pulled her from her thoughts. She turned around, searching for the sound, wiping at the tears on her face. She couldn't think of anything that would make the noise, unless one of the horses was having a problem. She'd have to go to them if it was. She'd never leave them alone.
She felt her heart constrict at the thought that she'd never be there for Sky again, wherever he was. She'd never be able to go to him whenever she needed him. She felt her eyes burn at the thought, and rose to her feet before she started to cry again.
She couldn't sit here and wallow in this pain any longer.
She took a deep breath, pulled the pain in deep and buried it, and started for the sound. Now that she was moving, focusing on it, she could tell that it wasn't coming from inside the stables. It was coming from atop it. She looked up, shielding her eyes from the sun and found someone hunched over the roof, swinging down against the wood.
The bang echoed out, startling her. There was only person who could be up there.
She started jogging, her nerves cutting off her air. She stopped at the bottom of the ladder, placed against the wall of the stable and looked up. He could fall, he could slide off, he could slip. Enough had happened today.
"Daryl?" she called hesitantly, hoping against hope that he didn't answer back. She didn't want it to be him up there, but she knew it was foolish to think that. He was the only one who was here.
There was a moment of deafening silence where she looked down at her feet and prayed. And then she heard a grunt.
"Daryl!" She looked up, grabbing hold of the ladder. Fear was tight in her chest, though she couldn't place why. Sure, she worried about Dale but she never felt that pinched feeling in her chest before.
She was just about to call out his name again when his head poked over the side. She felt her chest expand and the breath leave her.
"Daryl, what are you doing?" He was there for a moment, and she could swear that she saw his face twist up, hear him grumble something. But he just disappeared over the ledge again.
She couldn't go up the ladder. She'd never been very good at climbing and Ed had always forbade her from using any of the tools. But she would do anything to keep her from thinking about Sky right now.
"If you don't talk to me, I'm coming up there," she called, grabbing onto the ladder and shaking it, making noise. She wouldn't really but she could make a show of it.
"Dammit," she heard him growl, his boots clodding heavily around on the roof. She waited on bated breath for him to appear again.
"The hell you want?" he called, leaning over the edge.
She felt her heart drop into her stomach as she stepped back from the ladder, her hands going to her mouth. He could fall. He could fall with just a slip of a foot and he would be dead.
She couldn't take that right now.
"Daryl," she called, feeling lightheaded suddenly, "Daryl please don't lean over the edge." His hand went to his hip, and she suddenly felt the childish urge to giggle. She was so upset, and there was enough fear in her chest to consume her but that one little pop of his hip seemed so childish.
Clearly, Daryl wasn't worried.
"Dammit woman, I'm busy," he called down to her and disappearing once more beyond the edge. She didn't know what she was supposed to do. Obviously he was doing something important on the roof. Something he'd decided to do on his own.
She sighed, and took a step back, found herself looking out over the fields again. The empty pasture where Sky was always let free to roam. The cattle were grazing, basking in the sun in the pasture set further back. The few young that had been born just that spring were trailing about the field, trying to run on unsteady legs.
There wasn't any time to sit and mourn for what she had lost, for what was taken. As much as she hated Ed for taking Sky away from her, she couldn't sit around and wallow in that.
The tears slipped down her cheeks and she wiped them away hurriedly. There was nothing she could do now about Sky.
The sound of tires behind her sent a flash of hope through her, blinding her. She spun on her heel and ran, skidding around the stable. Maybe Ed would come back, maybe he would bring Sky back to her.
She stopped short at the sight of the red pick-up bouncing down the road toward her, feeling that flash of hope trickle through her fingers like water across her palm. She was so stupid.
She pulled her arms across her chest, adjusting her shirt over her shoulder, wiping at her lip. She wouldn't be able to hide the marks that Ed had left behind now.
She waited for them, watching as they pulled up next to her, stopping to get out. Martinez slipped from the driver's side, Tyreese following from the passenger's side slowly, with more ease. She felt herself take a step back in response.
"Tyreese, Caesar," she said softly, nodding at each of them. Tyreese tipped his cowboy hat to her, and she felt a little better for it. He'd always been such a gentlemen to her even when she'd ignored him. Caesar adjusted his belt, but his eyes sought out the stable.
"What can I do for you?" She hadn't been expecting them and it wasn't like them to show up unannounced. No one showed up without Ed knowing about it.
"Dale sent us," Tyreese said, his deep voice sending a ripple of calm through her. At least they weren't here because they'd heard something about Ed. At least they weren't here for her. But why had Dale sent them?
"I'm sorry," she muttered, rubbing at her arm, "I'm not sure I understand." Caesar took a step toward her, one hand sweeping out toward the stable. She glanced toward it, her eyes seeking out Daryl's form somewhere on the roof.
"Dale said something bout yer roof needing a fix." She took a step back. Dale should have fixed the roof the other day. Dale was working on the roof the other day.
She sighed, running a hand across her cheek. Dale had been unable to fix the roof, and hadn't told her. Just like Dale.
And then, realization hit her. She turned around and looked up at the roof and could see Daryl watching her now. And she felt her lips turn up, her eyes starting to burn. Daryl had gone up there, on his first day here, within hours and had started to work on the roof.
Didn't need any asking. Didn't need someone to tell him. He just went up there and started doing it.
Who was this man, and where had he come from?
"Carol?" She could hear the question in Tyreese's voice, the uncertainty. There wasn't any way that Ed would have paid for them to fix the roof. She didn't know what Dale was thinking sending Tyreese and Caeser out here for this. Never mind not paying for it, they couldn't. They didn't have the money to afford someone else to fix the roof.
"I'm sorry," she said, turning back to them. "Dale made a mistake." She could see the wheels turning. She knew Tyreese would be accept it, would politely walk away. But Caesar? He was a little more…hot. That was the only word she could think of for it. When things didn't turn in his favor, he went hot.
"The hell you mean Dale made a mistake?" She took another step back, watching as his face turned red with anger.
"Martinez, now ain't the time for that," Tyreese said quietly next to him, eyeing Carol carefully. She knew he could see her bruises, the split on her lip. She knew he was only guessing as to what was happening. She felt shame burn up her neck.
"No. Dale told us there was a problem, and I intend to see about it." She bristled at the tone of his voice, at the insinuation. He didn't think she knew what she was talking about. As if she were incompetent.
Men.
"Martinez," she said firmly, feeling the last of her patience slip from her. She wasn't going to sit here and let one more man walk all over her. She already let the one she was married to do that.
Martinez stopped at the sound of his name on her lips, the tone of it. She didn't like to let her temper get the better of her, because it never ended well when Ed noticed it. She could feel her hands start to shake, hear Ed's voice echoing in her head.
The hell you just say to me bitch?
She bit her lip, fighting back the response to flinch. Ed wasn't here. Ed wasn't here.
"It's fine Carol," he barked back at her, continuing towards the stable. Her mouth dropped open. She couldn't believe that he was completely ignoring her. The audacity of his behavior had her stunned silent for a moment. But to hell if he was going to touch her property acting like that.
"Martinez," she called louder this time, following him.
"I'm sorry Carol," Tyreese said next to her, looking abashed. He could hide his head under a rock for ten years and it still wouldn't excuse some of the crap that Martinez thought he could get away with.
"Just tell him I don't need his services Tyreese, and I'll consider this forgotten," she murmured next to him, avoiding his gaze. She could see him staring at her jaw, the bruise more than likely ugly and black on her face.
"Martinez let's go!" he called, racing to catch up to him. They stopped at the wall, both looking up. She was tired of people thinking she couldn't handle herself. Every day she woke up before the world was alive, took care of everyone that needed her, never asked anything for herself, and still managed to take whatever Ed threw at her.
"I just wanna let Carol know what kind a damage is done, and why she'll need us," Martinez said back, not bothering to hide the arrogance lacing his voice.
She suddenly wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted to ride off into the mountains on Sky's back and never come back.
And then all of the fight just left her, and she couldn't think of anything but Sky. Sky alone, Sky gone.
"The hell are ya doin'?" Her ears perked up at the sound of Daryl's voice filtering down. She glanced up to see Daryl peeking over the edge, hammer in his hand this time. She could tell from here by his tense shoulders, and his tight face that he was confused, didn't like what he was seeing.
Martinez looked confused for a moment before looking at her.
"Who's he?" Carol chewed her lip, tasting blood, and didn't take her eyes from Daryl. Watching him up on the roof sent a strange feeling through her.
"He's…" she hadn't thought this through though. Hiring Daryl meant telling everyone, telling Ed that they had a new ranch-hand. She swallowed hard. She'd never been good at doing that. Ed was always the one to make the final decision even if she had been the one to make that suggestion.
Ed always thought he was the one running this farm. And she liked to let him believe that.
"Well?" Martinez looked like he was about to pitch a fit, but it didn't matter what he wanted. She still didn't need him.
"He's my new ranch-hand," she said, with as much confidence as she could. She didn't like the way her hands shook, but she curled them tight, nails digging into her palms. "And he's fixing the roof."
Martinez gave her the dirtiest look she'd seen, and she curled her shoulders in tight. The only time anyone ever looked at her liked that was when they were going to hit her.
"The hell's goin' on?" Daryl yelled. She took a step back toward the ladder and gripped the metal leg tightly. She swallowed hard, fighting the urge to turn away. This was her farm, as much as it was Ed's. She needed to make that known right then.
"Daryl's fixin' the roof," she continued, holding his gaze despite how badly she wanted to look away. She knew Martinez wouldn't ever do anything to her. But she could never shake the feeling of fear that gripped her whenever someone got upset with her. Whenever Ed was upset with her – he would let her know with a look, or his words or his fists.
Martinez scoffed, and turned away, stomping for his truck.
"Yeah well, when he fucks it up don't come runnin' to us," he growled over his shoulder. It didn't even matter what he said. She sighed in relief at his retreating form. Tyreese rubbed the back of his neck, watching Martinez slam the truck door shut hard.
"You know he don't mean it, right?" Carol turned to Tyreese, concern written across his face. She smiled weakly, and nodded.
"I know," she murmured quietly. Still doesn't mean he's not a jerk, she thought.
Tyreese nodded, watched her a moment longer and then tipped his hat toward her again and took off. And only when they were both in the car driving away did she breathe in relief.
The ladder shook next to her, and she looked up to find Daryl climbing down. She grabbed hold of the legs, steadying it.
He watched her for a moment, hammer in one hand, biting the skin of his thumb with the other. He watched the truck speed away and then he found her eyes again. She didn't like the way he stared at her, like was looking for something.
"Everything alright boss?" he muttered, glancing away.
She nearly choked. Never, never had anyone called her boss on this farm. Ed was always the one who'd demanded that title. She didn't like the way he said, and she didn't like the way it sounded in her ears.
She wasn't a boss.
"Carol," she stressed, curling inward. She felt empty inside again. She didn't want to be his boss. She didn't own him. She didn't own anybody or anything. She didn't have that kind of power. Didn't want that power. He was his own person, free to do what he wanted, to be who he wanted. She turned on her heel, and walked away before he could see the tears slip down her cheeks, betraying her.
She was the one who was owned.
XXX
She breathed in the scent of the coffee, held the mug tight to her chest. The warmth felt good against her skin, made her feel a little bit better. She watched Daryl through the kitchen window; watched him wipe the sweat from his face, watched as he kneeled on the roof, back bent to the sweltering sun.
Despite everything, she could see something in him. Despite everything, he was doing exactly what Ed should have been.
Instead Ed was only looking for ways to make her hurt. Looking to punish her for wrongs that weren't even there.
She sat down, pushed the coffee away from her and laid her head over her arms.
She was so tired. Tired of living like this. She just wanted to have one day of peace, one day without fear, one day where everything was right.
She didn't want to cry anymore, she didn't want to hurt anymore, didn't want to live fearing what would come next. That wasn't any way to live. She closed her eyes, the will to do anything gone.
A scream filtered through her ears, and she jerked up, her heart suddenly pounding in her chest. She knew the sound of a horses scream like she knew each of Sophia's. It cut through her, piercing her.
She flew from the chair, ignoring it as it crashed to the floor, her coffee spilling across the table as she bumped into it in her haste to run from the kitchen.
She ran down the steps and to the stables, but another scream erupted in the air and it wasn't coming from the stables; though the other horses were starting to get nervous.
She glanced across the pasture and her eyes found the solitary shed in the back, the one where Outlaw was being kept.
"Carol?" She didn't even take the time to answer Daryl. She was running like she'd never had before. She watched as the cattle dispersed, scared by the sounds coming from the shed, and she didn't think she was breathing.
Outlaw rarely ever screamed. He may have hated the shed, and the halter, and the whip and everything that Ed had ever done to him. But he never screamed.
She felt her eyes start to burn as she bit her lip.
She should never have let Ed do any of those things to Outlaw. He was broken, and she allowed Ed to continue to break him.
She reached the shed just as she was starting to hate herself, and pulled the door open to find Outlaw pulling against the lead rope that kept him tied to the wall. Her heart dropped like a lead weight into her chest as she watched him struggle, and pull against that rope. Ed had managed to work it so that no matter what Outlaw did he wouldn't be able to free himself. He was tied to that wall, the halter straining against his face. He screamed again when he saw her and she couldn't stop the cry that escaped her.
He was going to hurt himself and he didn't even care.
He tossed himself against the walls, threw his head back, kicked his legs out. He was doing everything he could to get free but there simply wasn't enough room. He was only hurting himself in the long run.
She kicked herself for not bringing another lead rope.
"Hey boy," she whispered, stepping into the only space where she wouldn't be kicked. His eyes went wide and he cried out. "I'm not gonna hurt ya," she whispered, her chest too tight. She put her hands up, circling to his side. She spotted a rope on the wall to her left, and snagged it. Outlaw went wild again and she couldn't blame him. Who knew what Ed had been using it for.
"I won't hurt you," she called softly, moving toward him slowly. She kept talking to him, kept shushing him. She wanted him to hear her voice, to know that she wasn't Ed. She kept the rope held out toward him and when she was close enough she placed her hand on his shoulder and loped it around his neck carefully.
He reacted much the way she expected him too. He bucked once and she backed away, her hand still firmly holding to the rope.
"Easy now," she murmured, shushing him gently. She took a step forward, ran a hand across his shoulder, over his back and down the barrel of his ribs. He tip-toed nervously, snorted, and whinnied.
She saw Daryl approach the shed out of the corner of her eye, but she ignored him. She couldn't teach him anything from this, not now. She couldn't let him distract her either.
"It's okay," she whispered, taking another step forward, putting her body closer to his. Outlaw shook his head, his brown mane flicking against her face but the buzz his body had been giving off seemed to be dimming somewhat. As long as he was responding to her she couldn't stop.
"I'm so sorry I let him do this to you," she whispered, her voice laced with tears. "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough," she didn't think about what she was doing as she rested her head against his shoulder.
She should have been taking care of him. She'd let one of her children slip through her fingers, and now here was one crying out in pain. She couldn't let this go on any long.
She could feel his skin quiver beneath her, as he snorted nervously. She backed away slowly, leaving her hand to trail along his shoulder and up to his neck where she clipped her rope to his halter and unclipped the ones that Ed had used to keep him attached to the shed.
"I won't leave you in here anymore," she told him. She'd find a way to keep him free of this. If Ed wanted him, he'd have to let him stay in the stables. If Ed was going to take Sky from her, then she was going to take Outlaw from him.
"I'll take care of you from now on, I promise," she whispered softly to him, caressing his face. She pulled on the rope gently, guiding him out of the shed. It was all she could do now. All she had left to herself. She'd lost Sky, but she hadn't lost Outlaw yet.
He resisted at first, digging his shoes into the ground. But with a little coaxing, her soft hand and voice, he shifted out of that shed nervously. And once he was out of those doors he reared up, neighing loudly.
To think that this was freedom to him.
She felt the tears slip passed her cheeks. It was such a warped sense of freedom.
"Come on Outlaw, let's go," and she led him away from shed, Daryl following at a distance. He shook himself as if he were shaking away the confines of the shed, and the closer she took him to the pasture, the livelier he got.
He still eyed her with some suspicion, kept his distance and she knew it would be some time before he fully let someone trust him. But she could see that leaving the shed had done something.
It had given him hope.
She couldn't let him go back there now. She couldn't destroy the hope that she had given him. No matter what Ed had to say or do about it.
Daryl pulled the gate open for her, and she smiled her thanks as she led Outlaw inside. He pranced, anxious to get away from her, to get free of the rope. She reached up hesitantly, sure that he could see her hand.
"Let me help you," she pleaded, unclasping the hook. And the moment he realized he was free of her he took off. She stepped back toward the gate, grasping the rope tightly in her hands as she watched him run around the pasture with a speed that surpassed Sky's.
He wanted to really be free.
"Why don't ya just let'im go?" She curled her shoulders in tight, hugged her arms to herself. What Daryl asked wasn't out of line, was even something she considered every day.
But Ed would never let her get away with that.
And because Outlaw was a beautiful creature that she wanted to get to know.
Because she wanted to mend his spirit.
Because now, Sky was gone.
But none of those answers were good enough. Because why did she keep Outlaw if Ed was only going to hurt them both in the end? Why put him through the torture of being caged when he was only suffering by it? Why keep him here, when she could set him free?
She opened the gate, closed it behind her, and walked away, leaving Daryl behind. She hurried back to the house, running from the tears burning at her eyes, at the way her chest ached, and the gaze burning against her back.
There was a simple answer to it; one she didn't think would please him to hear. Daryl would probably hate her for it, would probably look at her with disgust. And she couldn't tell him, didn't want this man who had only just entered her life to look at her like that.
She kept people so far from her heart. She didn't let anyone in for fear that they might hurt her. But what it really came down to, and what Ed knew would hurt her most was that she didn't want to be without them.
She didn't want be alone.
A/N: Thanks for being here you guys, seriously. I love you. Cookies, and a fruit platter (HGRHfan35!) all around.
P.S. If anyone around here is a Mether and on Tumblr, I'm part of blog created for Meth, where you can create and love in peace and harmony. Check it out - put in the bottom name before the tumblr web address!
blog/the-meth-lab/
I've also got a link in my profile.
