Again, thank you to all who read this thing!
It is with a monumental hangover that Serena skulks into work on Tuesday morning. She can't really find an excuse for getting so drunk on a Monday, but she's very glad for Ric's presence. She remembers he had taken her home and made sure she was safely in bed before he had left her to it. Always the gentleman to her, he gives her a look as she walks into the office that she can only describe as a cross between amusement and worry.
"Headache?" he asks her teasingly, returning to his laptop screen.
"From hell," she confirms. She pulls off her scarf, hat and coat and turns to him. "Thank you for taking me home last night," she adds.
He chuckled lightly and replied, "I would have been surprised if you even remembered where your car was, never mind how to drive it. That was some state you were in." Was she really that bad? Is that why he seems to be worried for her? He looks up and scans her face. "Are you sure you're alright? What you did last night isn't what you did in Cambridge."
"And how do you differentiate between the two?" she challenges him with a raised eyebrow. He looks reluctant to answer and she realises it must have been her demeanour. She can easily recall her fear from last night. To be perfectly honest, Edward's actions have put the fear of God into her. She can't imagine backtracking to her failings and surviving it. And she definitely can't see either of the two of them actively searching for her. One is a person she never got to know and one is a person she wishes she had never known, but both she loves with all her heart.
The realisation Ric hasn't answered her query breaks her line of thought, and she sees something in his eyes and brings home just how much he really does care about her. He wouldn't have taken her home last night if he didn't, and he wouldn't be looking at her as he does now. He would not look with such intent at her, trying to get past her protective measures.
They fall silent again until Serena remembers that she told herself she is going to see Jac and her baby. She knows Jac doesn't have very many people in support of her, and even less women; she has the same habit as Serena to surround herself by men. Maybe it just comes with the territory of being a surgeon so experienced, as it always seems she ends up working with more men than women.
As she gets up, Ric finally speaks. "What was it you were waffling about Shayna Roberts?" Serena looks at the floor shamefacedly, knowing she must have sounded a little bit silly yesterday. But she stands by what she had said. Shayna is familiar to her; in some ways it's a little like looking in a mirror and knocking off a good fifteen years. The thought has crossed her mind. Of course it has – she would be remiss if it hadn't.
She just can't see how or why she would be sought out. After thirty-two years, she sees no reason.
"I don't know," Serena admits, though grudgingly so. "It's like I've known her for years."
Ric sighs. "Serena, is there something you want to tell me?" he asks her gently. It's a genuine offer to unburden herself, the best she has ever had, but she can't bring herself to do it. She knows that, after all the mistakes he has made he would not judge her too harshly. But what she can't bring herself to do is speak about it. In all these years, she has managed to never speak of it. Her parents quickly learned she doesn't want it spoken of ever again. It's too painful.
She shakes her head, only realising now that she is frozen in front of his desk. "No."
"Alright," he replies slowly. "Let me rephrase the question. Is there anything you need to tell me?" She feels his stare sinking into her, crawling beneath her skin. She wonders for a moment how easy it would be to just tell him everything. In her heart, she knows coincidences like this just don't happen. "You know, she does look like you. The resemblance is almost frightening." She shifts her weight and looks away. If she sees it then everyone else must see it too.
Ric gets out of his chair and it isn't long before he is stood right in front of her. She looks away from him because she's aware that he can see it's bothering her. Her imagination starts running wild...she lets herself envisage it and she doesn't know if it would go one way or if it would go the other. She hopes and fears simultaneously, something that, until today, she has never thought possible. There is nothing she would not give for a second chance, even if she doesn't deserve it. But, unfortunately, fairytales are for children to fall asleep to.
When she looks back around at him, lifting her gaze from the floor, she finds he is closer than she had anticipated. "You look tired," he comments.
"Hungover, remember?" she smirks. He reaches out for her shoulder and she knows he is trying to help her open up to him. But nothing will make her open up. "I'm going to see Jac, OK? Page me if you need me." He doesn't want to let her go. That much can be seen with no effort whatsoever on her part but she doesn't give him a choice. She turns away and his hand slides down her arm, their hands linked for a brief period before she leaves.
It's first thing and she would bet anything that Jac is already with her baby, so she makes her way to NICU. Being deputy CEO, she knows the code and quietly enters. She finds Jac holding her daughter in her arms with a soft smile and pulls up a chair next to her. Jac looks at her for a second or two and asks, "Rough night?" with a smirk.
Serena sighs out her reply. "I'm an old woman now. I can't handle alcohol like I used to," she jokes.
Jac grins and returns her stare to Emma. "Old!" she snorts quietly to her baby. "Serena's not old, is she?" It makes Serena laugh, even if it's only because this is something she has never pictured Jac as being: a loving mother.
"So this is Emma," Serena smiles. Jac looks up and there's no missing the love in her eyes for her child. For Emma.
Serena's surprised when Jac says, "Do you want to hold her?" She had expected Jac to be fiercely protective of Emma, and she doesn't doubt Jac is the most protective of mothers, but she had been expecting to be perceived as a threat like she usually is. Serena smiles and Jac carefully passes the tiny little girl into her arms. Emma stirs in protest of being disturbed and Serena has to laugh slightly. Perhaps she is going to be like her mother – vocal.
"How are you finding motherhood?" Serena asks gently. She glances up to see an uncertain expression on Jac's face. "I know what you mean," she assures her, knowing that look all too well. She has seen it in her own reflection before, so she knows how Jac must be feeling. "It takes some adjusting." Jac's face is tainted when she takes Emma back, cradling her gently. "I always find myself referring back to the way my mum raised me. It helps."
Jac lets out a bitter laugh. "Well, if I emulate my mother's version of parenting, I dread to think what she'll become." Serena smiles sadly at Jac, waiting for an explanation. It comes eventually when, after about a minute's silence, the red haired consultant says, "My mother abandoned me when I was twelve. I don't want to do that to Emma."
"You won't," Serena reassures her immediately. If there's one thing that's obvious, it's that Jac loves her daughter, even if she hasn't quite worked out how best to show it. But these things take time, especially for women like herself and like Jac, who possess barricades to keep emotion locked in and absorbs the hardest of knocks. "The only time a mother should leave her child is if it's what's best for them," she asserts. "If staying would put them in danger..."
She expects Jac to argue but she doesn't. Instead, she seems to cautiously agree. "It would take a lot of strength to do that." She is knocked off balance by the answer; she's unable to say anything because she never expected Jac would see the difference. "Any mother who genuinely gives up her child for their own protection obviously loves them more than anything. It would be like having my heart ripped out of my chest, but if I was left with no option, I would do it for Emma," she admits.
Serena lets a slight smile form on her lips. "Emma is extraordinarily lucky to have you for a mum." She remembers her own daughter as a newborn, though she had no complications, and remembers how fragile she had felt in her arms, and the love she holds for her.
Jac seems pleased and reassured by her words, and Serena decides to leave her to it; if she needs help, she sees now that Jac may actually get it. "I don't mind if you stay," Jac says.
"Thank you, but I have to get back to work." She reaches over and touches Emma's nose gently. Again she squirms a little bit, making Serena smile. She's never seen such adoration in Jac's eyes before; its intensity is like nothing Serena has seen before. But Jac is an intense woman, so it makes sense that her love for her daughter would be enormously intense. She turns and walks out of the NICU with her own ideas reaffirmed.
Serena returns to Keller as a patient is being wheeled into theatre. It's Ric's patient, and Serena can see him trailing behind with a scan in his hands. He looks up and he finds her eyes, and she she cannot break their shared gaze. His look is one she doesn't like. One of care and confusion.
She knows he cares, but how can she even begin to explain the depths of the situation she finds herself in? There are no words she can find for the feeling her imagination stirs within her. She finds herself in a position where she wants to know but is terrified of finding out, and she is starting to see that there is something strange going on here. Is she just paranoid? Has Edward finally managed to do something that well and truly dislodges her logic?
As Ric passes her, she feels his fingers touch hers momentarily. She can't doubt that she can trust him. That's not her fear. Her fear is that she is forced to address the idea for real if she tells him, while now she can just daydream to herself hopes of second chances and forgiveness.
In the secrecy of her office she just stares into nothingness, trying to get her work head on before she messes something up. It torments her to wonder about these things, which is exactly why she does her utmost never to think about it. That torment doesn't stop her wondering, and it doesn't stop her loving, but it's a reminder that she made her sacrifices and her life and all its flaws.
A knock at the door makes her startle back into herself so she can call out, "Come in!"
In steps Shayna with a mug of strong coffee and a blueberry muffin. "I saw you earlier," the nurse explains, handing her the coffee and cake. "You look a bit worse for wear this morning and I thought you could use this."
"Thank you," Serena says, stunned by Shayna's kindness. "Yes, I have to admit that it's not a fun morning."
Shayna laughs sweetly and quips, "Just how much did you drink last night?"
"Oh, far too much," Serena confesses. "I'm much to old for this kind of thing," she repeats her sentiments from earlier.
Shayna's eyebrows are raised and her arms are folded across her chest. "You're only forty-eight." How does she know Serena's age? Shayna seems to realise what she has said and quickly excuses herself, leaving Serena in a bit of a daze. She sips her coffee and is surprised to find it needs nothing added to it; it's been made the way she likes it. Ric must have told Shayna what to get.
The caffeine does her some good and she is quickly able to put work into the forefront of her mind, pushing back everything she has felt in the last twenty-four hours for fear that the fear is real and warranted.
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