18. March 1859
Today I completed experimenting with my latest amnesia potion. As the other was growing inadequate, I happened upon a book in the upper Library. The methods detailed within were…unusual, but I had no trouble acquiring the ingredients I required. Perhaps the only difficult ingredient to acquire was the vitae. And the reason for that difficulty was my ignorance to the nature of this 'vitae.'
Upon further research, I discovered that I had the proper...setting to induce this vitae response in the human blood stream. Then my only difficulty was finding a secluded place to distil my collected blood. I feel that Clarice is growing ever suspicious of my ventures. Last month after I emerged from the basement she asked if she'd heard voices. If this continues she might have to join the voices down there. I will regret that day, she was a good servant, but I cannot have anyone discovering my cabinet.
I discovered early on that I could only distill trace amounts of these vitae from my guests, but luckily the recipe I discovered only required three drops per potion. When mixed with Damascus Rose it radiates the most heavenly scent. The recipe called for many of the same ingredients as my other potion, the one I'd slowly grown accustomed too, but the idiosyncrasies are enough, I hope.
I cannot be sure if my endeavors will be successful, but the only way I shall know for sure is if I test my concoction. Tomorrow I plan to descend into my cabinet on its usual setting and see how it turns out. I will not stock the chambers with guests; I'll merely test my memory on my men.
20. March 1859
I have made an incredible but slightly disturbing break through. Upon descending into my cabinet and ingesting my new potion I underwent the strangest psychological transformation. I experienced fright, sorrow, a sort of love. And no only that, but I hallucinated as well. Or at least, that is the only logical way I can explain what happened.
Usually my sister mind, as I named the person I am in the cabinet after ingesting the memory suppressor, ignores the pleas of Alois, too wary to even look at him. But this time she was more at ease, even with him around. She lit up a candle so she could read the note left on the table, something she never does. She rarely ever explores the cells as it is. But this new potion did something to my brain, I think.
Then a second strange happenstance occurred. She turned around and saw Alois. But it wasn't the monster I so carefully crafted. It was him. From about four months ago. After he began slicing himself up for me, but before I'd really done anything to improve him. My sister mind reacted with fear, but tolerated his presence. He spoke to her, and touched her, which is quite a boggling mystery. When she moved to escape him, he returned to his more potent, present form, and sent two blows at his lover's head.
There lies the third strangest happenstance. When I awoke, the diffuse of the amnesia in my body frightening my arduous monster away, back to his quarters as usual, my body was completely healed, and I felt none of the fatigue I usually encountered during my slog back up to the door of my cabinet. Usually I have to sit and rest, but I felt full of vigor. And I often have to tend to my wounds, especially after being attacked by Malo, but there were none, not even a bruise where Alois' fist struck the side of my head.
There is something curious in my potion. I will experiment with it and pinpoint what exactly is changing the way my sister mind acts.
1859
I was not entirely sure how my sister mind would react to the altered conditions, so I changed the recording slightly. I wanted to know if the hallucinations only occurred with Alois, or if the others would induce them as well.
Admittedly, I also enjoy the sensation of remembering emotions that I've never experienced before. It is curious, a new world to study and perhaps spread to other parts of my life. But now is not the time to discuss that, I still have yet to perfect my potion, and discover what is inducing these emotion-fueled responses in my sister mind.
Last trip to the closet the memory suppressing element was too weak, and I had to add more of my more…potent ingredients. I also added more vitae, just to gauge my body's reaction to it. I still am not completely sure as to the effects, but I think there is a direct correlation to my sister mind's emotional stability.
Today I instructed my sister mind to keep away from the Alois monster. She did exactly as she was told. The first odd happening was when she pulled the lever to kill the first man. I was correct when I told her that it was imperative that she pull the lever three times, but that I didn't tell her what it did. And threatening her with the monster was a nice touch. She sobbed as she watched the spike descend on the man's torso. I didn't know who it was, a random innocent that I pulled off the street for my purposes.
The second killing showed an interesting change in her behavior. After the man, I've grown fond of putting priests in that box, informed her that she'd burn for what she was doing she grew angry and gained a morbid pleasure from tearing him apart.
The monster again frightened her. My guests' words in particular seem to have some sway over her. As it was, darling Basile found her, and again the hallucinations took place. The peeved but not wrathful man (the version of him from four months prior) was angry at first, but he seemed surprised at my sister mind's reactions. I wonder whether he thought it was not me or whether he just liked this warm doppelgnger as a replacement for the woman he'd once courted.
He held her for a short while, but when she pulled away he reverted back to his monstrous self, 'killing' her in one blow.
Again I woke up feeling fine, with no injuries, and headed back up the stairs. I am enthralled by this beautiful puzzle. I will work it out, continue to put my sister mind through these tests, and discover how this potion affects my psyche.
I will discover how this works. I will best this challenge. Because I am the Lady Justine Florbelle. I am a winner.
8. April 1895
My progress has been slowed by an unexpected illness. Thankfully I was fit enough this morning to take a venture down to my dear cabinet. Since I was still wary about how the potion would affect me, I altered my phonograph message again, instructing myself on how to pass to the third and final test on the properties of the odd hallucinations. Malo. The man who'd gone mad five months into his capture. He'd shown the signs of his oncoming madness long before I took him in. And it wasn't the love struck madness of Alois. It was pure, disturbingly self destructive insanity. He began to gnaw at his own flesh, despite the fact that I so kindly provided them with a meal every day.
I exaggerated the importance of passing the first two tests and finding Malo, and my sister mind reacted accordingly. Fright trumps compassion. She tolerated Malo well enough, with a slightly terrified regard about her. She had only the faintest inkling of who he was, but she attempted to react to his jests with wit. Malo quickly reverted to his more…uncivilized tendencies, and my sister mind first tried to reason away his behavior, thinking him lonely. It wasn't until he blatantly expressed his wishes that she reacted. I do think he managed to take a few bites out of my body before I woke up, because I have a certain soreness around my shoulder areas, and a tenderness in my upper arms.
I don't think high dosages of the vitae and the memory suppressants should be used at one time. All my sister mind experienced was fear and distrust. Which leads me to my conclusion. The vitae is what produces the emotions. My next hypothesis to be tested is that the vitae also is responsible for the increased healing speed and the rejuvenation. I think that the reason for the hallucinations is my choice in distilled blood.
As my lovers are the only reliable source for steady draining, I have been tapping into them. I think that the spike in my fearful emotions when the monsters are closing in on me are another factor. They make my blood run faster, which in turn would send the ingested vitae that's entered my blood stream dashing through my body's veins. I can't say why they suddenly revert back to their other forms the moment my sister mind tries to escape, however. That will have to be examined.
Perhaps I take a dose of straight vitae with morning tea tomorrow and ditch the amnesia potion. I'll herd my little boys back into their cells and examine the effects of the liquid on my psyche. This will be an amazing advancement in my understanding of my mind.
