A/N: Thank you for your continued support. Apologies for the delay in updating. I've been suffering from daily headaches lately that only stop when I go to sleep at night. As a consequence, writing's not been happening much since I've had to spend a lot of time away from my laptop. :(


My Sunny Valentine

Chapter 4

He walked her home with a heart that was both heavy and light. Light that they finally seemed to be making some progress on finding a way to be more honest with one another, but also heavy because he knew that the timing was off.

Way off.

The corpse of her relationship with Josh wasn't even cold, time of death but a few hours ago. She'd need time to process, maybe even to mourn the good bits of what they'd had together, he didn't know. He'd never been privy to much that went on between the doctor and the detective, and he didn't want to plumb those depths in any case. Being a bystander all that time, a casual witness to their entanglement, that had been more than enough for him. The glimpses he'd seen of her softer side when she was with this educated man had sliced at him like a razor every time. But he hated most the way the surgeon had diminished Kate with his own sense of God like importance. She would never have allowed Castle to mistreat her persona or her life like that. This double standard made him question why. None of his answers came out sounding good, least of all for him. In fact, they made him queasy.

Chief among his wonderings was why she'd let the surgeon in when Castle was held at arm's length from the most intimate areas of her life. Had he been capable of objectivity, he would have realized that he had access to her mind but not her body. With Josh it was the other way round. Castle was just too close to the issue to recognize that for Kate this mental intimacy was arguably more important, more intimate. Her mind, her thoughts, her mother's case, these were the most secret parts of herself, and she had chosen to share it with Castle. No one else.


Eventually, they arrived at her building just as his mental debate had reached a fever pitch. To go up or not, the yes and no of it, the whys and wherefores rattling around his brain like a pinball machine. Temptation weighed against what was right felt like a mental tug of war. His mind was exhausted.

Richard Castle was not a man prone to indecent haste in situations like these. Despite the impetuousness that often bubbled to the surface and cast him in a less than favorable light when his enthusiasm for a case got the better of him and he broke Beckett's expansive list of rules, he had a firm grip on himself when it was this important. Tonight, he let his grown-up side have control. He had the utmost respect for Kate, and would take advantage of her under no conceivable circumstance.

"Castle?" She turned with her keys dangling from her fingers when he hovered outside her building's security door, making no indication that he intended to follow her in.

His hands were stuffed deep inside his coat pockets, all the better to stop himself from reaching for her. Or so he told himself. But still that urge was there. He toed the sidewalk marking time, his breathing shallow, nerves tightening his chest. Would she ever forgive him for this? Would she see his side and understand? Would she thank him in the long run? He seriously doubted it.

"So…that was a really nice night. Best Valentine's dinner I've had in a long time." He smiled his lopsided grin, but even to himself it felt lacking in energy and conviction.

"You're not coming up," she said, not a question but a simple statement of fact.

Castle shook his head. "I should go home, and you should…relax…get some sleep."

"Is it Damian?" she asked, referring to the case they had just closed, a too-close-to-home case that had culminated in the downfall of his old school friend and one-time hero, Damian Westlake.

Castle could easily have lied and got himself out of this hole in good shape. It was almost as if she was intentionally offering him an elegant path to freedom. But life was messy, and if they were ever going to make a go of things in future, he couldn't begin it on a lie. "No. No, it's not Damian," he admitted, risking a glance at her face, which bore a concerned and curious expression.

"Then…you're tired? It has been a long day."

He nodded in agreement. Now was not the time, he reminded himself again. "Goodnight, Kate," he said, reaching out to squeeze her shoulder. "Until tomorrow."

Her forehead was wrinkled into a frown, a frown that he had put there. That was one of the last things he recalled as he raised his arm to hail a cab for the rest of the journey home. That and her heels, how the straps of her patent sandals caught the light beneath the lightweight crepe of her black jumpsuit when he slammed the taxi door and saw her still standing there in the cold, watching him depart. She raised her hand and offered a bewildered looking wave as his guts clenched tight as his fists, and he struggled against a wave of disappointment-induced nausea. He was no longer single. He had made that clear. But he couldn't afford to be someone's rebound guy. Not even for Kate Beckett could he risk what might come of playing that role. But dammit it was hard being a grown-up.


Castle was lounging in his chair the following morning, a folded newspaper open in his lap, when Kate appeared from Montgomery's office with her black leather folder tucked under her arm. His own coffee was drained down to the dregs. Her to-go cup still sat in the cardboard holder on her desk for warmth, placed at a safe distance from both her keyboard and cell phone.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

Caught off-guard by her sudden appearance, he sat up straight, carefully placing his newspaper on her desk to give her his full attention. "Sure. What's up?" He kept his tone light and breezy anticipating that she'd want to do the same.

"What did you say to Josh last night?"

Okay, so she was getting straight down to business. Last night would not be treated like some mythical horned beast after all.

He cocked his head to one side. "How did you even know that I—"

"He showed up at my apartment this morning." Her delivery was flat, without inflection, and so it gave nothing but the facts away. Neither did her closed expression.

"Oh." Castle battled to keep the flare of jealousy and panic he felt inside from showing on his face.

"Mm," she murmured, this time more judgmental. "Hoping to apologize, apparently. He seemed…" she paused and then plunged, "…surprised that you weren't there, too, for some reason."

Earnestly, Castle leaned in. "Well, that's not because of anything I said," he rushed to assure her. "If he came up with that all by himself, he's got a better imagination than I ever gave him credit for."

Kate eyed him dubiously. "Look, I'm not lying," he insisted, before leaning back in his chair out of the firing line.

She didn't even blink, much less blush, when she said, "I know you're not lying. I'm just wondering why you think it would take such a leap of imagination to believe that you might have spent the night at my apartment."

The bullpen had that early morning buzz about it, phones rang and people put a little extra into their work at the start of a new shift fueled by fresh cups of coffee, bagels and Pop Tarts. But it might as well have been the reading room at New York Public Library for all the distraction Castle and Beckett were aware of. He stared at her and she stared right back for once, the challenged and the challenger.

At length, Castle broke the deadlock and spoke, quickly and quietly so that only Kate could hear.

"Why do you think I left last night? It wasn't because I wanted to."

"Then why did you?" She seemed imploring, confused and surprisingly frustrated. Maybe even hurt.

"Because it was the right thing to do. Clearly, you're not over the guy."

Kate huffed loudly and sank back in her chair, bouncing hard against the mechanism as she crossed her arms over her chest. She looked off to the side in disgust and then turned back to face him with a new strain of fury on her face. "Not over the guy?"

"Yeah." Castle held his ground, kamikaze style, shoulders squared, chest puffed out, his chin tilted upward as if daring her to take a shot.

"So…all that stuff about you not being single anymore, that was just…"

"Totally true. For me. But, Beckett, I can't speak for you."

"I'm not asking you to speak for me. I'm asking you to…"

Castle watched her eyes suddenly flicker in the direction of Montgomery's office and then further down the hallway towards the interrogation rooms where there was a sudden burst of sound and movement. It felt like time was running out.

"You're asking me to what?" he pressed, before some crazy interruption befell them again.

She refocused on his face. "I'm asking you to…to trust me. You said you trusted me."

"I do."

"Then why won't you believe me when I tell you that—"

"Yo! Castle."

Kate slumped in her chair and closed her eyes.

"Settle an argument for us, would you?" Ryan asked, arriving hot on Esposito's heels.

The boys jockeyed around them like first graders in a lunch line but Castle's gaze remained locked on Beckett's face for as long as it took for her to lean in and mutter, "We're not done here. Understand?"

Then she got up out of her chair, picked up her coffee cup and headed off to the break room with a loud hiss of annoyance.

"What's the matter, boys?" Castle asked, without any of his usual enthusiasm.

"What's up with mama bear?" Esposito wondered, jerking his head in Beckett's direction.

"Nothing like what's gonna be up with you if she ever hears you calling her that, dude," Ryan warned his partner with a playful punch to his biceps.

But Esposito ignored him, since he was still one hundred percent focused on Beckett. "Don't tell me that schmuck Davidson cut out on her again last night?"

"On Valentine's? No way," Ryan chipped in.

One look at Castle's face told them that that was indeed the case.

"Man!" growled Esposito, slapping a file down onto the desk. "That guy needs to start treating her right or we need to go down to that hospital and threaten his precious little surgeon hands."

"And I'm sure that Beckett would appreciate that. Only I don't think it's going to be a problem anymore," Castle announced, patting himself on the back that there was not a whiff of smugness in his voice.

"How'd you know?" "Did they break up?" the boys asked simultaneously.

"Because I was there and yes, are the answers to your questions. Now much as I'd like to stay and gossip with you girls, my partner needs me, so…" He got up, smiled at each of the detectives in turn, and then hurried off to the break room before they could question him any further.


Gently, he knocked on the partially open door. "Okay if I come in?" he asked, waving his white handkerchief into the gap.

Kate had her back to him, one arm wrapped tightly across her middle as she faced the window. "Suit yourself."

He softened his voice. "Hey. You okay?"

"What did Sonny and Cher want?"

"Uh…nothing."

"Nothing?"

Castle frowned, shook his head and shrugged even though Kate still couldn't see him. "I'm not sure. They didn't get that far."

"So then what were you talking about?"

He cleared his throat and looked at the floor. "Uh…you, actually."

Kate spun round to stare at him. "Me?"

"Yeah. They…they guessed that Josh pulled some kind of disappearing act last night and—"

Kate growled and rolled her eyes. "Great. Now everyone knows I'm undateable."

Her declaration was so ridiculous that he wanted to laugh, but for the look on her face he managed to hold it to a grin. "Beckett, you're far from undateable."

"So then why didn't you come up for coffee last night?"

Castle took a deep breath and tried his hardest to sound reasonable. "Because for once in my life I was trying to do the right thing."

Her voice rose, the sound travelling. "In what universe?"

"In the universe that says people need time to get over a break-up. I'm pretty sure there's even some kind of handbook full of rules." He sighed and shifted his feet. "Look, Beckett, the guy showed up at the restaurant you were supposed to have dinner in. If that's not—"

"Because Kelly called," Kate cut in, shutting him down. "He wasn't looking for me, Castle. Kelly called and he came running, okay."

Castle closed his eyes. "I'm sorry. That must've hurt."

"Actually, it didn't. But you're the only one who doesn't want to believe that."

"Beckett, you should really take some time. You guys were together for months…"

She dumped her coffee into the sink, tossed the cup in the trash and threw up her hands. "Fine. I can't force you. But just so we're clear. I'm not single anymore either."

What had been warm between them last night had not turned cold in the harsh light of day or in the face of this spiky exchange of words. If anything it burned far brighter now; ablaze with a scalding hot phosphorescence that had the power to wound, to burn, to maim. And for his sins, Richard Castle was drawn to it with a ferocity that had the potential to end badly for him. Against his better judgment, he wanted so fiercely to give in.


As Kate pushed through the break room door she almost ran into Ryan and Esposito who seemed to be hovering outside.

"Beckett's seeing someone new already?" Ryan asked Castle, following his boss' retreating back with more than a casual interest.

"That was fast. Go, chica!" Esposito declared, fist bumping his partner.

Castle shook his head in displeasure. "Are you guys like professional snoops or something?" Then he looked around. "Or is this room bugged?"

"Who? Us?" the boys asked in sync, trying and failing to feign innocence.

"Did your mothers never teach you that it's rude to—" But Castle threw his hands in the air and gave up. "You know what, never mind. My mother eavesdrops all the time." Besides, he had more important things to do than argue back and forth with Sonny and Cher.

He caught up with her over by the elevator. "Beckett! Kate, wait up."

The doors slid open, the car was empty, and so they both got in. "Can we talk? I mean, if you have time."

She leaned against the back wall, her expression one of disappointment and resignation. "Look, I have a lot of paperwork to get through today."

He backed off immediately, hands raised. "Right. Of course. The case."

"Yeah." Kate looked at the floor. "D.A.'s Office needs my files before the arraignment."

Once again the silence between them was deafening, save for the clank and hum of the old elevator cables.

The car sank relentlessly towards the ground, and Castle was still scrabbling around for words when Kate threw him a surprising lifeline.

"But…how about if we meet for drinks later. Somewhere neutral."

"We're not at war here, Kate," he was at pains to point out.

"I know. Just…pick somewhere quiet and text me the address, okay? I should really get back upstairs. I just stepped out for a breather."

"Okay. If you're sure you don't want company."

She smiled at him for the first time that morning, not happy but conciliatory at least. "I'll be done a lot quicker without the distraction," she said, reaching out to give his forearm a squeeze. "I'll see you later."

The writer smiled back, his chest easing with relief. "Look forward to it."

"Yeah. Me too."

And with that Castle stepped out into the noisy precinct lobby and Kate rode the elevator back up to Homicide. Only one thing was certain: it was going to be a really long day.


Thank you for hitching a ride with me. :)