"I can tell you're already putting walls up" he said sadly
"What did you expect" she snapped back pulling away from him. She quickly covered her mouth, that was the Mellie he was expecting to see. "I'm sorry" she said recoiling "My emotions are all over the place."
"I know" he replied putting a hand back on her waist. He flinched at her tone but he understood where it was coming from. He had treated her so poorly, damaged her trust probably beyond repair. He was going to have to be the one to keep showing up for her now. Prove to her that a snap of anger wasn't going to deter him from his goals.
Mellie looked at him curiously. She had expected him to snap back and roll over or even leave. Had that been his response she would have pushed away all these emotions and known it wouldn't last, but he didn't. He remained fixated on her, taking in her every movement, trying to read her thoughts.
"I should explain myself" he said readjusting and sitting up. "You deserve to know where my head is at and where i'm coming from"
"Thank you" she replied sitting up as well pulling the sheets with her. She felt so exposed right now, physically as well as emotionally.
"Hold that thought" he said leaving the bed. He walked around found his briefs, slipped them on, and left. Mellie took the moment of his absence to try and collect herself. She dropped her head back against the headboard. 'What does he want, what is he doing, what is this' she questioned.
Fitz walked back into their bedroom wearing a T shirt and shorts, he could tell she was deep in thought and he knew he needed to explain himself now before she retreated back to a place he could no longer reach her. "Here" he said handing her one of his old Navy sweatshirts and a pair of shorts she didn't even know she owned. "Meet you on the couch in 10" he said motioning to the furniture in their room.
She nodded and he smiled and left again. Mellie crawled out of bed slowly. Shit, he had fucked her harder than she thought, her muscles were already sore but she didn't care. It was amazing. She couldn't even place the last time they had had sex, let alone them having sex because they both wanted each other. Ever since Big Jerry had raped her it had been hard for her to open up to the idea. Her body was always more than willing, but her head was plagued by demons she would never be free of. Andrew had helped her though, he had awoken something in her that she thought was long gone. She paused pulling Fitz's sweatshirt over her head. Andrew. A smile graced her face. There were moments during their brief affair where she thought she loved him back, but she knew in her heart she was just trying to replace Fitz, or make him angry or jealous. She was happy they had a chance to end things amicably, he was her dearest friend, he had saved her life in more ways than one.
She wrapped her arms around herself and walked over to the window. There was still enough daylight outside she could see the grounds clearly. And for the first time in a long time she didn't feel as if she was looking outside from within the walls of an ivory prison. She left the window and walked into the bathroom to wash her face and fix her hair. Both were a mess. She managed to get her hair somewhat under control and pinned it up in a messy bun. She looked in the mirror at her face before washing it, makeup was smeared everywhere from the sweat and the sex and the tears.
She stepped back and looked in the mirror again, studying her face. She could see her old self starting to break through, the real Mellie. The Mellie she thought was long gone. She placed her hands on the counter and closed her eyes. Was this a reality. After everything that had happened from Big Jerry raping her to little Jerry dying, were they finally going to reconnect.
Fitz walked back into the room carrying a tray and set it down on the coffee table near the couch. Mellie wasn't there and for a split second he thought maybe she had taken the opportunity in his absence to run. But he caught a glimpse of her standing in the bathroom and walked in. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her small waist, resting his head on her shoulder.
"Should I have given you more than ten minutes" he asked jokingly. He could tell from her stance she was in a dark place and he wanted to bring her back before they talked.
Mellie placed her arms over his, resting her face against his and sighing contently. She could have stood there forever, it had been so long since he had shown her such affection.
"Sorry" she said quietly, she was going to tell him she was thinking about Jerry but she could sense his trying to lighten the mood "You left me a bit of a mess" she said and shoved him back playfully. Fitz kissed her neck. It was surprising to him how easily and how quickly they were able to get back to this place. This place of love and ease with one another. Before things went south they had always been so great together, which was one of the reasons he was so hurt when she pulled away. He missed her, he missed this, he missed them.
He could open himself up to her now, now that he knew she loved him back. Of course she loved him back, she was constantly fighting for him, for them. At home and in the political arena, how had he been so blind to it before. She had always been his most staunch supporter, she helped him push through his self esteem problems that stemmed from his father. She was always there for him, even when he rejected her, she was there. It was his turn to show up for her, no matter what. He now knew how broken she was, how damaged. No, her trust was broken and damaged. She had fought tooth and nail to keep herself together, her inner strength was astounding. If she could be that formidable without him he thought… what could she be like if they finally operated as a partnership. Feeling her soften to him in his arms was renewing his resolve, her frigid stone walls were finally melting away.
"Come on" he said releasing her "Our hot chocolate is getting cold"
"Hot chocolate" she asked sweetly following him back into their bedroom
"Ah huh" he said throwing her a smile over his shoulder as he walked over to the fireplace to turn it on
"Are you trying to talk to me, or romance me Fitzgerald" she said teasing him
"What… I thought you might be thirsty" he replied. She smiled at him, she knew that he knew how much she craved something sweet after sex. She looked down at the tray he had brought and there was a plate of cookies next to two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. She grabbed a mug and sat on the couch curling her legs under her.
"Thank you" it was the little things like this that she missed so much. But to open her heart to him again, just to have him hurt her once more… she couldn't even bare the thought.
"Welcome" he said joining her on the couch. They sat there in a moment of awkward silence.
"Where do you want me to start" Fitz asked after watching her fidget with her cup for a few minutes. Mellie just shrugged in response. She hadn't looked at him since they sat down. Fitz was now regretting leaving bed, maybe he should have just told her there… he just didn't want her to feel so vulnerable.
"Alright… well… I'll just start and… if you have questions I guess just ask" he said nervously. She merely nodded. He couldn't believe just how nervous he actually was. He didn't know what to say to get her to believe he still loved her and that he wanted to repair whatever he could between them.
Mellie felt bad not answering him, but she wasn't prepared for what he had to say. She was already planning for the worst in her head, nothing between them was ever what it seemed. This was certainly too good to be true. Her walls were up, she couldn't help it.
"I got to thinking today… about our argument the other night.. if you can even call it that" He said dropping his eyes in shame "It was mostly just us hurling insults at each other."
"I'm sorry" Mellie mumbled, still not looking at him
"Mel… I don't want to get into what was said. We've both said… and done things to hurt one another…"
"Yes… we have" she said sighing heavily
"But what occurred to me today was not what we say but why… why we say it" he said and paused. She turned to him now
"Why" she questioned
"Yah… why… We say them to hurt the other person and we chose words or things that we know will cut the other deeply…"
"Because we know each other that well" she said
"But it's more than that" he said cutting her off "we want the other to hurt they way we are hurting"
Mellie narrowed her eyes at him and cocked her head, she couldn't be certain what he was getting at…
"Don't you see Mel…" he said setting down his cup and moving closer to her
"What do you mean"
"It hurt me so much… you hurt me so deeply when you pulled away from me. I missed you, I missed my wife. I didn't know why. To be fair, I was too self consumed to figure out why, but I thought you had used me. I thought you didn't love me. And I wanted you to hurt the way I was hurting, so I did and I said terrible things"
"Fitz… I'm sorry you resent me for the wife I've been but I still…" she started in coldly, still annoyed with him for not recognizing her pain at the time
"Mel… what I mean is… the way we argue the way we fight… we wouldn't do that if there wasn't still love there. Right? It's passion. Unresolved anger that is still fueled by passion for one another"
"So what you're telling me is… you yell at me, you shame me, you…" she scrunched her face and shook her head "because you love me?"
"Yes… I mean… I… Mellie I thought you hated me and you were using me but I loved you so much and it killed me."
"And Olivia" Mellie asked coldly. Fitz swallowed hard, he knew she would lob that question at him and he wasn't fully prepared to answer it.
"I…" Fitz took to long to answer
"Because as I recall… I tried to fix things with you on multiple occasions, but you threw in my face that you were in love with another woman" Mellie didn't mean to be so harsh, he was trying to explain his thoughts and feelings to her. But she couldn't have this conversations without bringing up Olivia, without pointing out to him the times she had opened herself to this in the past only to be destroyed.
"You're right." He said flatly "I thought you were just trying to hold on to me to keep your title, for political gain. And well, I became so consumed with my hatred for you that I misdirected my lust for her as love. I'm not going to lie to you, I've lusted after many women"
"And had them too " Mellie said setting down her mug and turning away from him. She couldn't believe how wrong he was about her all these years. She never wanted to use him, she didn't even need him. She had her own smarts, her own ambitions, her own wealth. She loved him and the idea of them together as partners.
"Mel" Fitz was struggling now, he could tell he was losing her. This was not how he intended this to go.
"You turned me away. Not just sex. You wouldn't talk to me anymore. I missed the intimacy." he said "And I found that in Olivia"
"Well lucky you" she snapped.
"And you didn't with Andrew" he snapped back… quickly regretting it. It had become so easy to fight with her but that's not what he wanted to do.
Mellie just glared at him.
"I'm sorry. You're not understanding me and I'm getting frustrated. Clearly it's become easier to fight with you than to reason with you" he said dropping his head into his hands. Mellie stared at him in disbelief. He was truly trying. She was letting what he was saying to her sink in.
"I'm sorry too" she said moving closer to him and placing a hand on his back "I promised to hear you out. I have to take the bad with the good" she said cringing
"As do I. " He said looking up at her. "As much as it's going to pain me… I want you to tell me about Andrew. I want to know why"
"Fitz…"
"Not right now… but some day. Dammit Mellie, I was jealous as hell. I knew then I was still madly in love with you. That was one of the first sparks"
"Jealous" Mellie questioned
"Yah…"
"I thought you were just mad I had found some semblance of happy…" she said "That you didn't think someone as vile as me deserved to be loved…"
"God Mel… you deserve the world… but from me…" he said sadly, now realizing just how deeply his words and actions pained her. "And… to know he had… when I thought I was the only one… stupid territorial man bullshit" Mellie just shook her head and rolled her eyes
"Men" she said smiling at him
"Look.. to put it simply. I just wanted you to know that all of these little things made me realize that I still love you. And if there is anything I can do to try and keep you in my life I am going to do that."
"You still… you want to work on us"
"I want to show up for you. I want to be the man you deserve." He said cupping her cheek and searching her eyes. Mellie couldn't find the words to respond. She had waited so long to hear this from him. "If somewhere down the line you can find it in you to let down your walls and love me again, well… that's what I want to work towards. And I know it's going to take work." She nodded slowly. "I do love you"
"I love you too"
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