OOOO

Part 4

"You're worrying me, Harm…I know that we haven't exactly been close over the last year or so, but that doesn't mean that I don't still care about you. It tears me up to see you like this, buddy."

Harm recognized some of the old Sturgis coming back and knew how much it had taken for Sturgis to say this all aloud, after all that had passed between them.

"I sorry Sturgis, but I just don't know what to do about it. I feel as if somebody's come along and turned my world off its axis…I don't know what I'm going to do without her…"

Sturgis knew that this was as close as Harm would ever come to saying he loved Mac, without him telling Harm what Mac had said. After weighing the pros and cons in his mind, Sturgis decided that Harm really needed this and knew that Mac would have understood him breaking her confidence, under these circumstances.

"You should know; she loved you, too."

Harm just nodded, adding, "Yeah, I'm sure she did, in a way."

"No, I mean it. She told me 'I'm in love with him.' You can't let her down by giving up, Harm. You know she'd kick your six if she were here, right now. It would break her heart to see you like this…"

"Did she really tell you that, Sturgis?" Harm looked almost desperate for an affirmation, "Did she really love me, the way I love her?"

"Yes, she really told me that. I think it was the first time she'd let herself say it out loud and although she was really just thinking aloud, I know she meant every word. I could tell. And I'm sure she always will, Harm."

"I know she'd hate how I'm acting, right now. It's not fair on my Godchildren or any of my friends, but Sturg…I really can't help the way I'm feeling, just now…I feel like it's all so hard, even to just breathe…"

"We're all here for you, buddy," Sturgis patted his shoulder, "You've got to start helping yourself, if only for the children's sake. They've lost their Godmother and I don't think they could stand losing their Godfather, too. C'mon, let's get back to the house before the children go to bed for the night."

Harm nodded and allowed Sturgis to help him up.

It wasn't much, but baby-steps were better than nothing.

OOOO

Harm was startled from his thoughts by the sound of rapid footfall on the stairs.

Soon, two little voice were bellowing, "Aunt Mac! Aunt Mac, where are you? Are you here? Aunt Mac!"

Harm quickly ran to where Jimmy and Little AJ were pulling apart the den, searching behind the furniture and pulling floor cushions from the pile in the corner.

"Jimmy, AJ! What are you guys doing?" Harm was almost lost for words.

"She was here, Uncle Harm! Right here!" AJ told his Godfather, jubilantly, "She was here, in the new house and she was calling for me! She wanted me to come and sit on the porch swing, with her! But I was playing hide and seek with her and she couldn't find me…"

Harm looked to Jimmy, puzzled, but the younger boy just shrugged his shoulders.

"You saw her too, didn't you, Jimmy?" Little AJ looked convinced his brother would back him up.

Jimmy just looked back and forth, from his older brother to Harm. He so wanted his Aunt to be there, but lately his Mom and Dad had been stressing the rule of not lying about things that did and did not happen; Don't lie about melting your brother's crayons in the microwave. Don't lie to Mom about hiding carrots and sprouts inside your shoes, at dinnertime. Don't tell Dad that AJ hid his prosthesis when you did it. Don't blame your big brother for shutting the car door on your fingers.

Jimmy regretfully shook his head, keeping his gaze on Uncle Harm and not AJ.

"But you did!" AJ was adamant, "You were there, with me! You wanted to share my hiding space and wouldn't go and find your own! You were right here, you heard her calling us, you saw her!"

"I didn't, Uncle Harm," Jimmy looked just as tearful as his brother, now, "Honest! I just really wanted to see her…I miss her so much and when AJ jumped out of bed and said he'd seen her downstairs, I just followed him…I want my Auntie Mac back!"

Harriet and several other adults had by now hurried downstairs and Harriet was just in time to get between the two boys, who were in a fit of hysterics and about to take it out on each other.

"Shhh!" She managed to comfort both of them, while still holding them apart, "It's not the fault of either of you. AJ, you've just been having some vivid dreams…Jimmy, I know how much you want your Auntie Mac back…Boys, we all forget what is real and what we just dreamed, sometimes…"

With both boys so upset, Harm couldn't stay in the house and he brushed past Varisse and Sturgis to burst out the front door. He didn't stop until he had sprinted through the largest field and his breathing had become erratic and his side pulled on him.

"Help me, Marine…" he covered his eyes with his hand, sobbing copiously, "What do I do now? What am I going to do, Ninja-Girl?"

OOOO

Nobody was surprised to see Harm pulling further and further into himself as the days passed. He still remained functioning, for the sake of his friends, but he lost total enjoyment for his life that no longer had his marine in it. Bud, Harriet, Varisse, even Sturgis had given up trying to talk Harm out of his depression and they certainly were worried about whether they would be released from this imprisonment in time to get professional help for Harm. Harriet really didn't see how Harm could continue living like this, with very little food passing his lips and little time devoted to sleeping.

"It's scaring the children," she had tried to cajole Harm, "AJ and Jimmy are at an age now where they notice that you aren't taking care of yourself, Sir. They need you in their lives, they've already lost their Godmother."

Harm had given a sad nod, but could only promise, "I'll really try to do better, Harriet."

He had really tried, around AJ and Jimmy, but around his other friends, it seemed like he had totally lost the will to live.

OOOO

A heaven-sent break-through came one day in the form of his Godsons.

"What are you two doing?" Bud asked his boys, who were out in the sunshine, seemingly getting filthy amongst some rocks, dirt and mud.

Harm had been persuaded to join him, while Harriet put together some breakfast for them in the kitchen.

"We're making Aunt Mac a garden," AJ piped up, pointing to a weed he was burying in some muddy soil, "She and I used to pick these flowers when we went to the park, then we'd put them in a jelly jar in her kitchen. But she'd have to clean up the next day, when they died and all the petals fell off. After a while, we talked about it and decided not to pick them like that anymore, because even though they were pretty, they just died. So we went back to the park, dug a plant up and put it in a pot with some soil. That way, it would always live, as long as we took good care of it."

A small smile crossed Harm's face, watching Jimmy place a wonky circle of rocks around where AJ was lovingly tending the planting bed.

"And we can all come here and remember Aunt Mac by looking at her flowers, every time we're feeling sad and miss her. It'll be like she's still here, because her flowers are still growing and living."

AJ had talked a lot about life and death with his parents, over the last few weeks, but still, Bud and Harm were awed by his perception.

"That's a real good idea, buddy," Harm gave his nephew a hug, before returning indoors.

Bud could tell that he was by no means done with his grieving, but he had just begun the long process of healing.

OOOO