Disclaimer: Wish I owned Harry Potter or Marvel. I could really use the dough. Sadly I don't.
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Chapter 4: Deepest Desires
The next day passed much like the one before it. Aunt Petunia attempted to overload him with chores that would take anyone else many days to do. Harry had two advantages though: the spells Kaecilius had placed on him, and many years of practice getting through his aunt's unreasonable expectations.
By the time the sun began its descent to the horizon, Harry had cleaned up the flower beds on both sides of the house, washed and waxed the car, washed every window in the house, and dusted every room. He probably could've gotten more done without overtaxing himself, but Petunia had been watching him more and more as the day went on, seemingly trying to catch him doing anything "freakish".
Dinnertime was a change in the usual. The previous day, his aunt had just given Harry a TV dinner she'd hastily microwaved and had him eat it on the back porch. Harry was used to this on occasion, especially when company was coming, so he'd thought nothing of it, having been too excited about working with Kaecilius that night.
Today she wanted his help with dinner, meaning he cooked it and she stood over him and criticized everything he did. This was an old routine by now, and despite her constant complaints in his ear as he worked, she always took credit for the food when Vernon got home and complimented its quality. As he baked and cooked tonight, though, she merely fretted in the background, sipping a glass of wine and looking out the front window frequently. Harry knew better than to ask what was wrong ("Don't ask questions!" being an oft-heard phrase of his childhood), and merely went about his business, finishing up the food and taking a quiet seat at the table.
When Uncle Vernon stomped in the front door, it became patently obvious the reason for her nervousness. "Bloody supervisors!" the man grumbled as he walked into the kitchen. "Can't let decent, hardworking men get on with their jobs. Bloody inspections!"
Harry smirked, carefully looking down so Vernon wouldn't see. So his dear uncle had been inspected at Grunnings and the results were… less than stellar. Well, good. No less than the stupid muggle deserved. He hoped Vernon lost his precious job and had to root in the bins for his food, like his kind deser-
Harry paused. That wasn't right. He didn't think anyone should have to scrounge for food, knowing all too well what a day without eating felt like. And hadn't Kaecilius just made him reconsider about his use of the word 'muggle'? Eyes widening at the thought of his teacher, he remembered one of the last things the man had said last night. "The true danger, long-term, is letting any of Voldemort's personality affect you."
Now very worried and completely lacking an appetite, he stood up and made to go up to his bedroom. The sudden movement, however, only made Vernon zero in on him, glad to have a target to pin his frustration upon.
"Sit, boy!" he growled. "Your aunt worked hard to cook dinner, and the least you can do is have your portion and clean up afterward! Ungrateful brat."
Harry slowly lowered himself back into his chair and tried not to glare at his uncle. If aspects of Voldemort were leaking into his brain, he knew the last thing he needed was to get mad and possibly vaporize his relatives in a fit of pique. He thought back to the chapters of his Occlumency book he'd reread last night. Find your center. Reach inward to find your deepest desires, then meditate to discover why you desire them. Find the place within you that is safe, that is whole, that connects to your magic.
Harry had spent some time looking for it and attempting to meditate, but he'd wound up falling asleep instead of going into a trance. He certainly wasn't feeling tired now. He closed his eyes to try and think, drowning out the sounds of silverware clinking and his uncle moaning to his aunt about his job around a mouthful of food.
What were his desires? To be safe, of course. To have friends that would stay by his side. To protect those friends from danger.
Then he thought of the Mirror of Erised, and the images he saw in it over Christmas holidays. His family all beside him, including relatives he'd never met or heard of. Safe and happy, and smiling at him. That was his greatest desire, to have a real family, one that was proud of him. He might not be able to have a biological one like that, but he was determined he would one day have a family that fulfilled that desire.
Before he could start to delve into the why of his desires, the dining room table shook and Harry's eyes snapped open.
Vernon had slapped his hand down on the wood, glaring nastily at his nephew. "We've had our portion, boy. Get what you deserve and clean up the mess!"
Sighing at the lost opportunity, he got up, only now noticing that Dudley was at the table, stuffing his face and looking at Harry in an amused way. When Harry got to the stove, he realized why. There was almost nothing left in the pots and pans Harry had used to cook dinner, and only the crusty ends of the bread he'd baked. Consigning himself to the dregs, he scraped the last bits on to his plate and headed back to the table. As he rounded the side, something blocked his foot and sent him sprawling, knocking all of his food on the floor and cracking the plate. As he lay on the ground, winded, he could see Dudley pull his foot back under the table while his uncle began bellowing about his "clumsy layabout of a nephew".
Harry began breathing hard. This, this was why he wanted a real family so badly. He may have "relatives", but they were no family.
A real family would be concerned for their family member who had fallen instead of worrying about how "that plate was an antique" as his aunt was currently screeching. A real family would be grateful for their child helping with dinner, not just leaving the last bits of burnt and stale food behind.
The noise was building as both his aunt and uncle were yelling now, and Dudley kept a dopey grin on his piggy face as he observed the chaos he had created.
Harry was fighting to keep his temper, but it was rapidly becoming a losing battle. His uncle reached down and grabbed his arm, yanking Harry to his feet, and Harry could feel something in him fighting to get out.
His uncle tried to pull Harry closer so he could continue to yell, but Harry felt whatever was inside him ripple outward from his body, and Vernon quickly let go and shrank back, cradling his hand.
"Vernon?!" his aunt gasped. "What is it?"
His uncle's voice shook as he growled, "Little monster burned me with his… powers."
Harry stood his ground as his aunt and cousin gave him mixed looks of anger and fear. "I d-didn't mean to," he admitted. "But I'm not s-sorry. Dudley," he gave the fat boy a look of hatred, "tripped me, and you don't c-care. You've never cared. I've got friends n-now, friends with all s-sorts of 'powers', and they w-won't look kindly on the w-way you act!"
Despite his stinging hand, Vernon swelled up with indignation. "The way WE ACT? We took you in, not that we wanted to, but because your crazy Dumblemore LEFT YOU on the doorstep in the middle of the night! No way to contact him, just some warning about other…. freaks coming after us if we put you in the orphanage! I wish we'd just ignored him and left you on a curb somewhere! You've been nothing but trouble since day one!"
Harry hadn't known that about Dumbledore. He felt some of his righteous anger dwindle away into confusion, but that only made him able to say what came next with a cold determination. "I c-can't control how I got here. That isn't my fault. B-but I'm not a m-monster, and I'm not a f-freak."
Petunia sneered. "Of course you are. What else could you be?"
Harry's eyes were cold, and his aunt drew back a bit as they turned to her. "I'm a p-person. And you n-need to treat me like one."
He turned to the kitchen door and began to walk away, heading to the stairs. Vernon tried to follow him, shouting, "Get back here and clean up this mess you made!"
Harry never broke his stride, only turning his head as he began to ascend the stairs. "Dudley m-made the mess, and the only thing I m-made this afternoon was dinner. Have him clean it up."
Vernon was so flabbergasted by Harry's resolved tone, he faltered in his steps and looked back at Petunia, looking to her for support. He received only similar looks of bafflement as the bedroom door upstairs slammed shut.
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The moment the door was closed, Harry sank to his knees and leaned against it, taking a ragged breath and staring at the floor. He'd never talked back like that to his relatives. He'd felt angry, sure, and wished he had the guts to stand up for himself, but he'd never acted on his impulse before. Huh. Must be all that time in Gryffindor that bolstered his bravery.
He was shaken from his thoughts by an apple rolling across the floor into his field of vision. He reached down and picked it up, then looked up to see where it had come from. Somehow, he'd failed to notice Kaecilius standing next to his bedroom window, looking at him in concern.
"Hi," Harry said tiredly. "I s-suppose you heard all of that."
Kaecilius merely nodded.
Harry sighed. "You probably think I sh-shouldn't have lost my temper. I should've been m-more calm."
Kaecilius' eyebrows furrowed. "Not at all. I think you showed remarkable restraint. I very nearly came down to intervene when I heard you fall. Your relatives are lucky they only had to deal with the well-deserved tongue lashing you provided."
Harry's eyes widened. No one had ever sided with him before when it came to his relatives. "D-do you think it'll m-make a difference?" he asked hopefully.
"In their behavior? Possibly," the man responded. "In their attitude toward you? Probably not. They seem quite closed-minded toward anything different, and you are as different to them as night to day. And I mean that as a high compliment."
Harry grinned for a moment, then began to ask, "Sir, c-can I-"
He cut himself off, cursing his impulsiveness. What was he thinking, he'd met the man two days ago, and there was no way he liked Harry well enough to consider his request.
Kaecilius frowned. "Please, ask your question," he said.
Harry took a deep breath, and let the words spill out of him in a rush as he stared at the floor. "C-can't I just leave? I n-never understood how much I hated it here until I g-got out. Can I… stay in K-kamar-Taj with you? Dumbledore w-wouldnt even have t-to know, with those p-portals you can make!"
He took a deep breath and waited. Kaecilius didn't say anything for a long moment, and Harry stole a panicked glance up at his face before looking back at the floor. He was just frowning, deep in thought. Harry could've kicked himself. Why, oh why did he have to let his mouth run away from him. Now his teacher was going to leave him because he was too needy, too pushy, too annoying.
He flinched when Kaecilius suddenly moved, but then the man was silently sliding down next to him, against the door. He put a gentle hand on Harry's shoulder.
"I wish I could," the man murmured. "You are an extraordinary young man, and any sorcerer should be honored to have you as an apprentice. But…"
Harry looked up at him, seeing Kaecilius' eyes fill with regret.
"I am only here as a favor to my mentor, who was in turn asked for help by Dumbledore. I have been given a thorough overview of why you are here and how you are kept safe by staying here. Suffice it to say there is nowhere in Great Britain safer for you than in this house. These wards protect you absolutely from outside threats while you are here, and they power the protection you used very recently to defeat Voldemort. It is not a shield I am willing to take away from you."
Harry sank into himself even more. With a voice bereft of hope, he asked, "C-couldn't I at least spend some t-time during the day away from here? At Kamar-Taj?"
Kaecilius shook his head slowly as he took the gold bar out of his pocket to show Harry. "I'm afraid you are unable to use the sling rings and the portals they create. Do you remember your appearance in our minds? Your brilliant green color surrounded by a red aura?"
Harry nodded, unsure of himself, as Kaecilius continued. "As I told you then, the red is a tangible evidence of your mother's love and sacrifice, and it is powered by the wards of this house. Very few things in this world can erase that protection, and unfortunately, the energy created by our portals is one of them. The second you stepped through a portal, your safeguard would vanish, never to be rebuilt."
Harry had to admit that sounded like a bad idea, as he would definitely be dead if not for that protection. For the time being, he would set aside the dream of leaving this place and make the best of it.
He felt more than saw Kaecilius stand up beside him and offered Harry a hand. As he rose, Kaecilius gave him a small smile and said, "All that said, I think I can still help you improve your situation when we are not rebuilding your mind. We can start by having you eat this," holding out the apple Harry had dropped. "I will be sure to bring you nutritional food when I visit from now on. You are far too thin."
Harry ducked his head and began to eat. Even if he was stuck here, it was nice to have someone in his corner.
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After he finished the fruit, Harry stood up with Kaecilius and described the feelings and thoughts he had struggled with earlier. Kaecilius stroked his chin, listening intently.
"I think you may be right about the source of those thoughts," Kaecilius said. "Let us investigate."
So saying, he whirled his hands as before and they found themselves in Harry's darkened mind. Kaecilius lit their way, and they drifted close to the site of the foreign invader. From this distance, the feeling of evil and disease was even stronger, and even though there was no 'smell' on the mental plane, Harry couldn't help but imagine the stench of skunks and rotten eggs. Kaecilius pointed to the floor of the cavern right next to the chunk. "You were correct, unfortunately," he said. "You see how the darkness and sheen of Voldemort's remnant has begun to spread?"
Harry had to look close, but he could see the small tendrils spreading across the floor. This was serious.
"Can I get rid of it? This is my mind, so I should have control over it. Can I… I don't know… spray it away with water?"
Kaecilius considered him. "Why don't you try?" he said.
Harry nodded and looked to the spreading lines. Imagining a hose of water emanating from his hands, he pushed the feeling outward. After a moment he thought nothing had happened, but when he drew his hands back and looked at his palms, he could see a faint sheen of water on them. Disappointed, he looked up at Kaecilius for an explanation. The man nodded.
"Honestly, I didn't even expect that much," he said.
Harry unconsciously hunched inward, hurt by the man's lack of faith. A snap of Kaecilius' fingers made him look up into the man's eyes.
"Do not misunderstand me," he said. "You have already shown remarkable progress inside my mind, but you are still absolutely a novice. Have you searched for your center?"
Harry's eyes lit up. "Yes!" he said, glad to show some of his work off. Then he hesitated, remembering how intensely personal his heart's desire was.
Kaecilius smiled sadly. "It's hard to share what you want most, isn't it? I'll make you a deal. If I tell you mine, then you tell me yours."
Harry gulped, but nodded.
His teacher looked down, seeming to steel himself, and said, "Very well. My wife, Adria, was my whole world. She made every day full of joy. Even when our…" his voice broke for a moment, then he continued, "our son was taken from us, she pushed me on. She was the greatest person I ever met."
Harry's mouth was dry, and he waited for Kaecilius to continue. After a moment, the man shook his head and said, "She was struck by a sudden illness, and there was nothing I could do. She was gone in days."
Kaecilius looked up at Harry, and the man's eyes seemed alight with pain and determination. "What drives me is a way to find meaning in her death, and possibly even a way to be with her again. Death is an aberration, and I wish to find a way to eradicate it."
The older man took a deep shuddering breath and seemed to come back to himself, regaining his gentle smile. "Now, when you feel ready, please share."
Harry felt very small and insignificant in the face of such emotion, but he summoned his Gryffindor courage and revealed, "I want a family. I've always dreamed of having my parents again, and even though I know that can't happen, I want people who love me for who I am, people who will take care of me when I need help. And I want to be able to take care of them and protect them from anyone who might harm them. I don't need them to be related to me. I want to make my own family."
Harry felt like he'd just run a marathon. Kaecilius looked at him proudly, saying, "Thank you for telling me this. That's the first step to finding your center. Once you understand yourself, truly and completely, you can begin to control what happens in here," as he gestured around him.
Harry looked doubtful at his teacher's confidence, so the man said, "Try to create the stream of water from your hands again, this time while you focus on that dream of creating the family you desire."
Harry nodded, and did as he was instructed. This time, he was rewarded with a weak sprinkle of water pattering down onto the floor of his mind. It wasn't what he'd tried to do, but it was a start.
Kaecilius smiled down at Harry's ecstatic expression, and guided them both out of the boy's mind. As soon as they came back to full consciousness, Harry sagged to his knees, completely spent.
Kaecilius chuckled and levitated Harry to his bed. "You've made wonderful progress, Harry. Now you've earned a rest. I will see you tomorrow, and please, don't let your relatives wear you ragged tomorrow. They may have the right to give you chores, but not to be their slave. Stand up for yourself again, and you may be pleasantly surprised at what happens."
Harry barely heard his words as he drifted off to sleep, but his dreams that night were filled with happy images of relaxing in the summer sun, surrounded by people who loved him.
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A/N: Whoo! Longest chapter by far! I have officially passed the 10K benchmark. I'm having a blast doing it too. A few people were insistent that Harry be removed from the Dursleys. I wasn't planning on revealing WHY that wasn't gonna happen this early, but the scene started writing itself before I could stop it.
Regarding Harry's reaction to Kaecilius' revealing his deepest desire, please keep in mind this kid is not even 12. He's not gonna be able to properly respond, especially when it's someone he's grown to trust. This may come back to bite Harry later, but again, he's a kid.
Please read and review! It keeps me motivated to write!
