Chapter 4
Ella could not wipe the silly grin off her face that had appeared shortly after Hannibal left the apartment. Not only had she managed to get her dad to agree to let her tag along for a couple of weeks, she also managed to talk him into bringing everyone to spend the night at her place with the plan to leave early in the morning for the cabin she had leased for them in the mountains. The Chinese that she had ordered for dinner had already been delivered and she turned her attention to getting the two spare bedrooms she had ready. She had already tidied up the second bedroom and was now making her way into the third bedroom, sheets in hand to get that bed ready for her guests – two men that had been the brothers that she never had and the one who meant so much more to her.
She moved around the bed, pulling on the fitted sheet as her thoughts wondered to the three men who had worked with her father so long that she knew that he thought of them as the sons that he never had. There was Face, the smooth handsome one who could talk his way into (and out of) most situations. Of course B.A. was the muscle of the team. A mechanical genius who could tear down and put back together most anything at a moment's notice.
And then there was Murdock.
She began to place the flat sheet on the bed as she thought about Murdock. He was the one, the only one, who invaded her dreams at night. Dreams which made her wake up gasping for air with his name on her lips, her body still tingling from his phantom touch. Dreams that were so real that she could feel his body on hers, dominating her as he made her feel like no one had ever made her feel before.
It was after the court martial that she realized how she truly felt for him. She had always loved the crazy pilot but when she learned that he had been sent to the psychiatric hospital in Germany realized that she did not love him the way she loved the others, she was in love with him.
Ella wrote letters to send to him in Germany. Letters in which she tried to explain her feelings to him and that she did not realize how much he really meant to her until he was gone from her life. One letter was full of clichés and she shredded it for sounding too corny. Another letter seemed too technical, as if she was trying to rationalize her feelings for him and she shredded that one as well. Frustrated after two weeks of trying to put her feelings into words she booked herself on the first flight she could get out of Atlanta into Germany, determined to go see Murdock and tell him herself. By that point she did not care anymore if he felt the same way or not; all she knew was that it was eating her up inside and she had to tell him. If he did not feel the same at least she could have closure and move on.
She entered the hospital that day with a false ID and signed in the ledger to visit C. Jones. Ella had no idea if there was a patient there by that name, only hoping to take advantage of the fact that the orderly that was in charge of signing in visitors that day would be more interested in the cleavage that she was showing with her low cut top than who she was signing in to visit. The gamble paid off and in a matter of minutes she was ushered into a bright day room where patients were gathered around tables together playing games or just talking.
Her eyes scanned the room until she saw her goal. The man was sitting in a wheelchair with his back to her facing one of the large windows on the far side of the room, but the baseball cap and the shaggy hair showing from underneath it were clear indications that it was Murdock. She took a deep breath as she crossed the room, her heels clicking on the floor beneath her. "Murdock." She called out to him as she approached him. "Murdock," she lowered her voice as she got even closer so only he could hear her. "It's Ella."
Nothing could have prepared her for the sight of him as she looked at him for the first time in weeks. Restrained in a straitjacket sat a cationic Murdock. She gasped as she pulled a nearby chair over beside him. "James," she said in an attempt to get some sort of reaction from him as she took in his physical appearance. His eyes were open but they were a dull version of what they should have been. Lifeless blue-green orbs had taken the place of the bright manic eyes that she had grown to love over the years. He had not shaved, or been shaved, in what she guessed to be almost a week as he had a good bit of hair on his face. A shaking hand reached out and rested on his knee as tears filled her eyes. "It's Ella." She repeated. "Murdock, can you hear me?"
He sat there with his eyes staring blankly into space. No smile. No nothing.
Sighing she sat back in her chair and started talking to him about everything and anything until it was announced that only ten minutes of time remained before all visitors had to leave the hospital. "I know you can't hear me but I came all the way here to tell you something." She began as time was running out. "I love you." She paused to wipe tears from her eyes. "I didn't realize it until it was too late but I love you more than anything. I've loved you for years but I've been too much of a coward to admit it to myself, much less to you." She stood up and bent over him, planting a kiss on his paralyzed lips. "I promise I'll come back to visit when you're better. I love you." She breathed against his lips as she kissed him a second time before walking away.
Ella shook her head, clearing her thoughts as she grabbed a light quilt out of the bedroom closet and applied the finishing touches to the bed. She took a deep breath as she sat on the freshly made bed, maybe I shouldn'tgo. She thought to herself. Maybe I should just come up with an excuse and stay away from him. Just avoid the whole situation.
It's not like he feels the same anyway.
