A/N: I cannot believe I have been able to write four chapters of this story. It is going a bit differently from how I initially imagined it, but I am really happy with the story so far. So I wrote this a while back, when I started my new job, and I think it helped me get the story out. I hope you all enjoyed the premiere - I still haven't seen it - thanks to living in Japan and all the live streams suck on my phone. That is why I waited until now to post this chapter. Hopefully it will help until next week's episode Thanks again for all the comments, reviews, and follows. Again, shout out to my Beta Reader! She is amazing and I don't know what I would do without her!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own these characters at all, just using them for fun.
CHAPTER FOUR
EMMA'S POV
"Love, I'm home, I'm not going anywhere."
She could not believe the words that had left his mouth. Home. The word sounded foreign. She wasn't sure what he meant: what did home mean for him? She thought that he was her home years ago; she had never felt safer, never felt more alive. Now… now she wasn't quite sure what to feel. She had spent years trying to build herself up again, trying to become the girl she used to be.
"What the hell do you mean Killian?"
"Love, years ago, I had the most amazing life that someone like me could ask for. I had friends who would go to the end of the world for me. I had people in my life who would do anything for me. I had a life that was worth living, and I gave it up. For a while, I was content, I was taking care of Lily. But now that the company is strong and the people my father owed are paid, I am ready to get back to that life, I am ready to get back to what is important to me. " Picking up her hand, Killian looked at her with an expression that told her he wanted his life back, he wanted things to return to what they used to be.
The shock of the confession was wearing off, giving way to an overwhelming sense of confusion. Why would he want to be back? She couldn't understand why if he missed this life – with them – he hadn't contacted her all these years. Sure, he mentioned bad people, but it had been five years, he could have contacted her during those years. She couldn't understand why he wanted to return at all, especially if he thought he wasn't good enough. She had so many questions, yet she couldn't find the words to ask them. A long pause passed between them, her hand still in his. She was confused and conflicted. While his leaving tore her to pieces, and his continued absence was still hurtful, she felt understanding and compassion.
She knew what it felt like to have something change your life in a split second, what it felt like to suddenly have to care for another and put your own feelings and wants on the back burner. That is what Killian had to do with Lillian, and it was what she had to do with Henry. She could understand why he did what he did. She could understand why he kept everything hidden. He always did try to protect her no matter what. She remembered high school, when Killian stood up to Zelena and Hades, a couple who tried to spread harmful rumors about the group. Killian wasn't worried about what would happen to him, he was only worried about the group and how the rumors would affect them, so he took matters into his own hands, and thankfully after the incident, the group was left alone. It was with that memory she was able to speak.
"Thank you Killian." She began, "Thank you for apologizing and thank you for telling me the story. I am not sure if I can say you are forgiven though." She looked into the blue eyes that had been haunting her. They were soft now, still scared, but somehow still inviting. She needed to get her feelings off her chest. "You hurt me, you really fucking hurt me. The night you left shattered me. It took a long time for me to be OK after that. I accept your apology, but I am not really sure where we can go from here. I was broken when you left me Killian. You were the one person I thought would never hurt me, I thought you were the one person that I could count on no matter what. Thank you for explaining to me everything, but some of your reasoning is a load of bullshit and you know it." She withdrew her hand from his. How could he ever think he wasn't good enough for her? He had to have known how she felt about it. She always knew he felt the same about her, at least she thought she did.
"Emma, I know you think they are just excuses, but I was truly just trying to protect you. I was trying to make sure you had the life you deserved." Anger began to pulse through her at his statement. She couldn't believe that he thought that she deserved a life without him in it.
"The life I fucking deserved? Really Killian, you think I deserved a life where my best friend just vanished? You think I deserved a life where I had a piece of me missing for ten years, only for it to show up out of the blue again? Did I deserve a life where I had to go through hell without having my best friend around, because I didn't know where he was? For years I wondered what my life would have been like if you had just stayed, or hell, if you had just kept in touch. I play the what if game constantly because of the shit you put me through." Taking a deep breath she looked at him. He looked wounded. Again, while it felt good to get her feelings off her chest, she was being an asshole about it again.
"Emma, I understand why you are angry. I get it. I spent many a day quite pissed at myself for the shambles I knew I probably left you in, but I really thought you would be happier without me complicating your life. That is partly why it took me so long to come back. I didn't want to complicate your life anymore than it already was. I didn't want to cause you any more harm than I already caused. I truly am sorry love. I wish there was a way I could make the pain go away, but all I can do now is apologize and promise that I am not going anywhere now."
"Why did you come back Killian? Why did you come back here? Did you know we would all be here?" She couldn't bring herself to ask the question she wanted to ask: did you come back for me? She didn't think she could handle the answer.
"I can't really give a good answer. Something inside me just clicked. I knew I had to come back, one day I just woke up and I knew there was nothing for me in London; that I was needed somewhere else. I came back to Alexandria because it was the last place I felt truly at home, and I wanted to give Lily the chance to feel that too. I had hoped you would all be here, but I knew it was a slim chance that everyone would be; but I knew I had to at least try to make everything right again, to get back to where we once were." Emma wasn't really sure what to feel with that confession from him. She was upset that he hadn't purposefully looked for her, yet she was happy that he wanted to come back and make things right.
"OK" She sighed. "I get it Killian. I really do. I am just not really sure where to go from here. I am still really hurt. You left me. I understand you want to make it all right, but I am just not really sure how you are going to do that. The night you left scarred me, I needed you and you weren't there. You walked away from me, from all of us, like we were nothing. Sure, I know now that you didn't mean to hurt any of us, but we didn't know that for so long. For so long I had been carry around this burden, this feeling that you left because of something I did. All I could think about for days was you left right as I was about to…" She trailed off, not wanting make this confession yet. She couldn't let herself make that statement yet; she couldn't let him know that she was desperately in love with him back then. She had no idea what she felt for him now, so there was no way in hell she was going to confess her past feelings, if she couldn't explain her current ones.
"Right as you were about to do what, Love?" His eyes began to sparkle with his question.
"It doesn't matter Killian." She stated as tears began to stream down her face once more, she couldn't look him in the eyes.
"Yes, love, I think it does. I left as you were about to do what?" He reached back for her hand, but she quickly moved it away, reaching to hold her coffee cup instead.
"Right as I was going tell you that I loved you." She whispered. She couldn't believe she said it. She didn't know what had come over her, what made her make the confession. Maybe she was tired of hiding why she was really hurt, why his leaving destroyed her, maybe she was hoping that the confession would force Killian to finally and truly feel that pain she had felt.
"And what about now Emma?" She looked up at his question. She had never seen him look at her the way he was looking at her now. There was something in his eyes that she had never seen before, and she couldn't put her finger on it.
Emma glanced back down at her coffee mug. She didn't know how to respond. She didn't know what she felt. She couldn't tell him that she still loved him, because she wasn't quite sure she did. The man sitting in front of her wasn't the Killian she had fallen in love with, but yet there were moments where he was. She didn't hate him though, and seeing him again made her realize that she never really hated him during his absence either.
"I don't know." She said rising from the table, grabbing her bag. "I'm sorry, I have to go, I'm going to be late." She turned to look at him one more time, and what she saw confused her even more. While he looked broken and hurt, there was a bit of a smile in his eyes, a flicker of hope.
The day had passed by rather quickly after their meeting. Emma had rounds and a few surgeries that kept her mind occupied. She didn't really have time to think about the look that Killian had when she left him, and she hadn't seen him on the floor during her rotation, so she didn't have to worry about trying to figure out what had transpired between them.
It was on the drive home when her thoughts finally came to the surface. She was happy that he was back, and she was thankful that she allowed him to apologize and to tell his story. She hadn't expected such a confession from him when she first saw him, and to hear that his leaving was due to Lily and him wanting to protect everyone somehow made Emma's heart swell. She really should be pissed at him more, he did break her heart, but for some reason, she wasn't really angry anymore. More than anything she was just worried that he would leave again. He kept saying that he was here to stay, that he was home, but he left once before, and what was stopping him from leaving again? It was with that question that Emma pulled into her parking spot, got out of her car, and walked inside to pour herself a giant glass of wine.
"So, that bad?" Regina questioned when she walked in a moment later, motioning to the open wine bottle and the glass that was sitting in front of her. Emma had told her the previous night over dinner that he had shown up and requested a conversation, and Regina in all her glory, told Emma to tell him where he could shove it.
"Not really." Emma shrugged. "I am just not really sure what do with everything now."
"What do you mean?" she asked as Emma took a huge sip of wine.
"Well, he told me everything: about his father leaving, about Lillian, about why he left and why he left the way he did. I could tell he was sincere in his apology, but I am just not sure where it leaves us. I was so angry for so long, I am not really sure what to feel anymore." Emma replied.
"You can feel what ever you want to feel Emma, just because he apologized, doesn't mean you have to forgive him or let him back in your life. You don't have to be best friends again, but you can if you want to. But you have to decide soon." Emma raised an eyebrow at her statement. "What I mean to say is, you can't let this incident drag you down the way the last one did. You were so broken for so long, and it wasn't good for anyone. You have the truth now, do with it what you will, but don't let it eat at you for so long. Live your life, but don't let the past determine how you live your future. What did you say to him?"
" I told him I accept his apology, but I am not really sure I can forgive him for what he did. I was so angry with him, but at the same time, I felt so bad. I told him how much it broke me when he left, I told him how much pain I was in, the confusion that settled in when he left. I told him I had loved him." Emma looked down.
"Well, that's a start." Regina responded. Emma was again confused by the words Regina was saying. She was supposed to be the one who spoke of reason. The girls in their group always held a specific job – Mary Margaret was the mother, always full of hope and love. Emma was the girl who spoke of adventure but never really followed through, yet was the group's protector. Ruby was the wild child, the one who got into one too many situations. Belle was the bookworm. Regina was supposed to be the one who was practical and quick to judge. She held grudges that were famous for lasting for years, yet here she was, insinuating that Emma telling Killian that she loved him was good?
"What the fuck Regina? How is that a start, its horrible? He says he is back, he says he is sorry, and the first thing that I do is tell him that I had loved him in high school. Please tell me how that is a start?"
"Emma, it's a start because you needed to clear your head. His returning was a surprise, and the anger that you have felt for years was clouding your judgment. By telling him that you used to love him, you removed all the hatred and resentment. Your hatred was so strong because of what he had meant to you, and by telling him that, by clearing the air, you are allowing yourself a clean start with him." Regina finished with a sip of her own wine. It made sense, Emma had felt better about it all, now that all her feelings and thoughts about his departure were out in the open.
"Sure, I can start with a clean slate now, but I guess what I am worried about is, do I even want to? Do I want to open myself up again, do I want to allow myself to let him in again, and do I take a chance that he means what he says, that he won't leave." Emma questioned.
"Only you can answer that Emma, but Killian was a big part of your life, and believe it or not, he still is. Most of the things that have happened to us in the past few years have all been because of what Killian did to us all. It's up to you to determine if you want to let him back in." Regina answered.
"I know, I am just not really sure what I feel. I thought I loved him back then, but did I really, or did I just need him in my life because he was safe and I knew I could trust him. Now though, I am not really sure that I can allow him back into my life, I am not sure I can allow myself to feel again." Emma was harmed too much to simply throw all those feelings she had been having for the past few years away. She couldn't begin to think about how his leaving again may truly break her this time. Could she trust that Killian was here to stay?
"I get it Emma, you know I do. I was in so much pain when you all met me. I had just lost Daniel and I never thought that I could let myself love again. When Daniel died, I swore that I would never be able to love again, that I would never be able to let someone that deep into my life again. Why should I, when all it does is lead to pain and suffering? But, then Robin came along, and he showed me that while it would be a long journey and that I will never truly stop being scared of losing my heart again, it was better for me to take the chance, than to spend my life regretting every moment that could have been."
"Well darling, I never knew you felt that way." Turning around towards the kitchen door, Emma saw Robin leaning against the doorframe, a smirk on his face. He walked over and kissed his wife. "Thank you for taking that chance too, for letting us into your life. Regina is right Emma. I understand that you are worried that Killian will disappear again; I know you are scared to let someone in again, but you owe it to yourself to see if there is still something there. You thought you loved him once, and now life is giving you a chance to see if the love you once felt is still there."
Regina and Robin had both been through so much; sometimes Emma forgot that she wasn't the only one who had suffered. Regina had lost her first love so young, but was able to open herself back up, it took a while, but she found happiness. Robin had been a single father when they returned from college at the ripe young age of twenty-two, his wife had terminal cancer and her last wish was to have a child before she died, so he fulfilled her dying wish. Regina and Robin started to bond and soon started to heal the pain they both had. If those two could get through their suffering, surly Emma could push past the trepidation that she had at allowing someone to get close to her again.
Later that night, as Emma was taking a bath, she got to thinking about what Killian's return really meant for her. The couple was right; she was getting a second chance to see if what she felt so many years ago was still there. She was getting a chance to confront her anxiety about letting someone in, with a person she had already known, a person who had already hurt her. It didn't make sense, but for some reason, knowing just how much he hurt her the last time, helped her feeling of panic. It was like when you first get hit by a softball. You know its going to hurt, and you are scared of the ball, but once you get hit, you know what it feels like and how much pain you can handle, so you aren't afraid of the ball anymore.
Sinking down into the bubbles a bit more, Emma tried to focus on her feelings for Killian. There were times during their conversation earlier that she saw the boy she had fallen in love with. She could see his compassion, hear his dedication to his family, she could tell that he would go to the end of time to help that little girl. Yet, she also saw something new in Killian. He was no longer the boy she had fallen in love with. He was a dedicated man, hard working, and she was sure he had to be ruthless to be able to get out from underneath the men his father did business with.
When it came down to it, she had to admit to herself that she did still have feelings for him. How could she not? She had spent so many nights worried about him, even after her left. She would always care for him; no matter how much pain he caused her. It may not be a caring that she wanted to admit, but somewhere deep down, she knew that no matter he had done to her, she would always care for the boy that had always cared for her.
She knew she owed it to herself to see if there was still something there with Killian, she knew she deserved to know if what she felt all those years ago was true and if it was still there. The only question is, could she allow herself to see what could happen?
KILLIAN'S POV
As Killian walked to Lillian's room, his thoughts were heavy with the conversation that just took place. He had wanted to tell Emma what had happened for years, he wanted to tell her the night his father showed up and introduced him to the little girl that would change his life forever. He had wanted Emma by his side, but he knew he couldn't involve her in anything his father did. When his father left his mother so many years ago, Liam had told him that his father was a bad guy, involved with bad things. So even though Killian wasn't sure that he could do this by himself, he knew he could never ask Emma to join him. He had to protect her. He knew that she would never let him go if he told her, so he did the only thing he knew that would keep her from following him: he left without a word.
That day would haunt him for the rest of his life. He never wanted to hurt her, but he knew if he didn't, that she would never let him leave, would never let him do this alone. She was so fiercely protective of her friends would do anything to save them; but he couldn't let her do this. When he packed up his house, every item he touched reminded him of her. He was a broken man from that day on; never really happy, never really content. Then one morning - about a month ago - he woke up and he knew. He knew he needed to go home, and there was only one place - more one person - that was home to him. That day, he set in motion the process of transferring the company to the United States and began to prepare Lily for the trip.
While Killian knew that a clean break would be good for Emma in the long run, he also knew that a clean break would be helpful for him too. If he tried to contact her at all, he knew he would never be able to stay away. He couldn't put her at that risk, not until he knew that she would be safe. He had done the same thing with Lillian. He never let anyone know about her. He couldn't let the people his father worked for get to them. It was hard for him to not look for her, to not look at her social media. The first month he was gone, he would lay in bed, on MySpace or Facebook and he would try so hard not to look to see what she was doing. He couldn't bear to see how happy she could be without him. While he knew his leaving would affect her, he was scared: what if his leaving made her happy? He knew he couldn't bear to see how she was doing.
When he showed up in Alexandria a few days ago, he never expected to find out that Emma was still living in the area, he never expected her to turn up the way she did. However, when he saw her, he felt complete. She was actually there, she was radiant, but she ran. When he finally caught up to her, and begged her to listen to him, he was prepared for a slap and some yelling, but he never would have guessed that she would actually be willing to hear him out. He had hurt her too much; he could see that in her eyes. Then when they were about to talk, her son shows up. She has a son! He couldn't wrap his mind around it. The lad looked like her - he had her emerald eyes and same quizzical expression that she got when something was going on. What had happened in the time that he was gone?
That morning, he finally got to tell her what had happened, how it destroyed him as much as it destroyed her. It was brutal to hear how much she was hurting. He never wanted her to feel that way she felt towards him. How could she think she wasn't good enough? How could he be so stupid in thinking that his absence wouldn't hurt her? How could he have hurt her this way? He was a stupid boy, but now that he was back, now that he found her, he knew he had to make things right. What hurt him the most was hearing her last confession, before she rushed off to get ready for work; she loved him. He couldn't believe it, she loved him. loved, he reminded himself. She had loved him, but now, he wasn't sure what she was thinking or feeling. He wasn't sure how she felt. He could see the compassion in her eyes, yet he could feel her anger radiating off her body. He saw the caring, but felt her pain.
Before he could continue with his train of through, he walked into Lillian's room, only to see Dr. Capshaw sitting on Lillian's bed. Curiosity about the doctor's visit replaced his thoughts of Emma and their conversation.
"Oh Mr. Jones, there you are." Dr. Capshaw turned her attention from his sister "I just came by to let Lillian know that she is doing spectacular after her surgery and that her vitals have been stable ever since. As long as she keeps up the good work, she can leave tomorrow."
"Did you hear that Killy; I can go home!" Lillian's statement made Killian smile. His sister was going to be OK, she could leave.
"That's wonderful Lily, absolutely brilliant!" Killian walked over to the other side of Lily's bed, picked up her little hand and sat down. "I am so relieved that you are doing OK. I am sorry I had to be away this morning when you woke, but I am glad that you got good news; thank you again Dr. Capshaw."
"It's no trouble, Lily's an amazing girl!" she said with her smile beaming down at Lily. "I'll leave you to it and check in with you tomorrow morning, and again, as long as everything is normal, she can leave around noon."
Killian thanked the doctor again as she left the room. Looking back down at Lily, he saw that she looked much better. She was no longer sweaty and pale, her complexion was clear and her cheeks were the only rosy things he could see. When they first came over to America, he had just told Lily that they were there for a vacation. He hadn't told her of his plans to move them permanently here, but now was the time to tell her. Smee had been looking at office spaces, and he believed he found a good place about 10 miles from the hospital that he had Killian check out yesterday after Emma had left. It was a good fit and a perfect place for the business, but he now needed to make sure that Lily thought this was a perfect fit for her. He hoped that she would be OK with the move, because he already told Emma he wasn't going anywhere, and he couldn't let her down again.
"Lily, love, I need to ask you something." he started, moving closer to her.
"What is it Killy? Is everything OK?" she sat up a bit more in her bed.
"Yes, everything is OK. However, for a while now I have missed home - and I don't mean London. You know that I grew up here, which was one of the reasons why I wanted to show you the area, but I had another reason for bringing you here. I think we should move here." He finished, looking at Lily's face for any sign that would tell him what she was thinking.
"Really?" was all he got for Lily's response. He couldn't tell what she was thinking.
"Yes, but only if you are OK with it. I know you like your school back home and your friends, but I think that this place could be good for the both of us." He added.
"OK." she piped with a bit of excitement in her voice. "I think I will like it here too. And sure, I like my school, but I want to go to school where you went to school. I want to do the things you did growing up."
Killian was floored with her response. For the second time today, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. He knew Lily wanted to do the things he had done, she told him so many times after hearing of his adventures as a boy here. He used to tell her stories of the last three years he spent here before she went to sleep. She would tell him that she wanted to do all the things he had done. But he never believed she would be OK with moving here. Most kids hate moving, but then again, Lily was not most kids.
"Are you sure sweetie?" He asked.
"Positive! I know you have been unhappy Killy; I can see it in your eyes that you don't like London. I just want you to be happy," She stated, sounding more like a thirty year old than a ten year old. She was so mature for her age, and its days like today that Killian was thankful for her maturity.
"OK then, I will find us a big house and we will move in soon. I will have Smee send all of our things over immediately!" Killian was elated. He couldn't believe that they would actually be living here, that he was actually going to have a chance to make things right. To make things the way they should be.
EMMA"S POV
Emma's thoughts had kept her up all night. She was known for creating up all sorts of situations in her mind. She thought of a scenario where Killian was only back for a month, then left her shattered again. She created a scene where he was back, but after spending time with him, he wasn't the same person she knew and she didn't like he person she saw. Those frightened her, sending her into a panic. The scene she feared the most though was allowing Killian to get close to her again, only to leave suddenly years down the line, after she began to depend on him again, and after she got close with Lillian and he got close with Henry. It was almost like her fantasy created a family, and then tore it apart. Fear was flowing through her.
She was walking out of the resident's lounge when Dr. Capshaw approached her.
"Did you hear the amazing news?" She asked.
"No, what's going on?" Emma's mind focusing on work and pushing the fear she had aside.
Maybe there would be a surgery she could get in on, or there was a trauma in the ER that she could focus on. Her blood began pumping while she awaited Dr. Capshaw's answer.
"Lillian's going home! Your procedure was amazing. Her vitals are stable, she is producing urine, and she didn't have a post op fever. You are amazing! I am so proud of you." Dr. Capshaw's answer made Emma's stomach drop. Lillian was going home, that meant that Killian was going home. Sure, he had said he was back for good, but they never really got around to what that meant for them. She had run off again, afraid to say anything that would let him back in. Now he may leave the hospital and she would never see him again. The fear that had momentarily disappeared reared its ugly head again, but this time it was fear of never seeing him again that was there. It was the fear that for a second time she would lose him without him knowing how she felt. She didn't know what came over her, but in the seconds it took for Dr. Capshaw to tell Emma they were being discharged, she had decided that she was going to get her second chance with Killian, she owed it to herself.
Not saying anything to her mentor, she turned and ran down the hallway towards Lillian's room, hoping that she would catch them before they left. She needed to see him again. She needed to make things right. It dawned on her that even though there was a chance that he could break her heart again, that he could leave, it was worth it. It would be worth it if they were together even for a little bit. She wasn't scared that he wouldn't want to be with him, at the very least, she needed him back in her life.
"Killian." She blurted out as she ran into Lily's room.
"Swan?" He responded getting up out of the chair he was relaxing in. She let out a breath that she didn't realize she was hold. Thank the Gods he is still here. He's still here. "Swan, what's wrong, what's going on?"
She stared at the man she once loved, the man who broke her heart. No longer were her thoughts clouded with judgment and uncertainty; instead she found clarity. "Go out with me."
A/N: So my beta had a question about Robin – some clarification since he is not a major character – he had Roland when he was 22 and all the characters are the same age, which makes Roland about 6. Sorry if it seems a bit rushed with his character, but he is just a supporting character, but I wanted to let everyone know about his and Regina's relationship. Regina never asked him out after Killian left, and he moved onto Marion, and the rest is history.
