Clyde and Bebe strolled along the sidewalk as they headed downtown. It was a fairly clear night. The perfect kind of weather for a pleasant stroll with friends. However, this was no time for a casual stroll with your best female friend. This was a time for business, and Clyde was a man on a mission.

"Remind me again why I let you drag me into this nonsense?"

"It's not nonsense, Bebe. This is something that will affect the entire course of history!" said Clyde.

"Don't you think that's awfully hyperbolic?" asked Bebe.

"Haha, nice try, Bebe. That's not even a real word!"

Bebe pursed her lips together to contain her laughter. She sighed. "Okay then, remind me again why I'm your friend?"

"Because I'm cute," he replied with a charming smile.

"Dammit, you got me there," she smiled back, reaching up to ruffle his hair. He gladly leaned over so that she could do so.

They stopped in front of Tweek Bros, checking out the new design. The entire storefront was made of glass, which radiated an open, inviting atmosphere, but did little for the privacy of the patrons inside. The fluorescent lights inside were bright enough to light up a good chunk of the street. They both squinted their eyes while peering inside. Kenny had not arrived yet.

"You know, I haven't actually visited this place since it re-opened," Clyde admitted.

"Really? Their coffee tastes a lot better now. I never liked it here before. It tasted…weird. I usually just went to Harbucks," said Bebe.

Clyde opened the glass door for Bebe and smiled as he bowed slightly at the waist. "After you, m'lady." He gestured to the open door with his free hand.

"You're such a nerd," she laughed. "If only all of your adoring fans could see you right now."

"Don't say that, Bebe! My status is already on the decline!"

She sighed, but kept her mouth shut. It was useless to try to tell Clyde that his concerns about his 'status' were all in his head.

Walking through the open door, they could hear the faint strains of what sounded like the singing of Michael Bolton. Tweek was facing the back wall, wiping down the equipment. He had a pair of bluetooth earbuds dangling from his ears, the muffled sound of pounding drums and screeching guitars coming from within. Bebe raised an eyebrow in his direction. She had never been close to Tweek when they were children, and she had never really interacted with him since he moved back. Still, she never would have expected this sort of behavior from him. In elementary school he seemed spastic and perhaps a bit disturbed, but now he seemed…kind of cool. It was amazing how much someone could change in a few years.

Clyde came up from behind her and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Does he know we're here?"

"I don't think so. He obviously can't hear us through the music."

"I'd yell to get his attention, but I don't want to piss him off. McCormick threatened that he'd get Tweek to throw hot coffee in my face. I'm not willing to take that risk. I'm cute, but not cute enough to survive a full face burn."

Bebe shook her head. "So you're saying you want me to get his attention?"

"Yes. That is what I am saying."

"You're lucky I love you, dork." She took a deep breath and yelled as loudly as she could. "TWEEK!"

Tweek popped one of the buds out of his ear and turned around, nodding his head when he saw Clyde and Bebe.

"Oh hey, sorry about that."

He reached into his apron and pulled out his phone, pausing the music, then depositing it and the earbuds back into the pouch.

"Are you allowed to listen to headphones while you work?" asked Bebe.

"Nah, but it's what keeps me from going apeshit on everyone. If you had to listen to this every night," he pointed up at the speaker on the ceiling above his head, "you'd go crazy, too. The owners picked out the songs on the house mix."

"Aren't the owners your parents?" Clyde asked, confused.

"It hasn't been confirmed yet that I'm not adopted. So what can I get for you?"

Clyde ordered a hot chocolate, Bebe a skinny cappuccino, and the pair moved to a spot in the far corner of the room. They were going to be discussing highly sensitive information. If word of Clyde and Kenny's competition got out, it would be the end of it. No one would want to have sex with them if they knew it was just for points in a silly contest.

It was only a couple minutes before Kenny pushed through the glass door, alone. He stopped at the counter and quietly spoke to Tweek for a moment, never turning back to look at their table. Clyde then noticed through the glass storefront that Craig passing by the cafe.

"Hey, it's Craig!" he said, smiling and pointing outside. "I wonder where he's going."

Clyde didn't have to wait long for an answer. Craig stopped at the door and hesitated briefly before opening it and walking inside.

"Hi Craig!" Clyde called out cheerfully.

It sure was a coincidence that his best friend decided to come out to Tweek Bros on a Thursday night at the same time that Clyde was going to be meeting with Kenny and his second.

Craig didn't respond. Instead, he approached Kenny and gave him a nod. Kenny turned to Craig and smiled. He placed his right hand on the small of Craig's back and the two began to walk to the back table, a devious grin plastered across Kenny's face. Craig, although often difficult to read, looked clearly sheepish. He couldn't even look his best friend in the eyes. Clyde didn't realize what this all meant until they were halfway across the room.

"JUDAS!" Clyde yelled, jumping up from his seat and pointing his finger at Craig.

"Clyde, sit down. You're being overly dramatic," Bebe sighed. She tugged at his jacket, trying to pull him back down.

"I'm sorry, dude. I don't even really know what this shit is about, but I knew you'd be pissed," Craig mumbled. He pulled out a chair and plopped himself in it.

"Then why did you agree to help this jackass?" Clyde whined, finally returning to his seat.

"Kenny said he needed help with a project he was working on that involved you, but he promised it wasn't anything bad, and then…then he looked at me that way with those fucking blue eyes and he bit his lower lip and…" Craig looked away and shifted in his chair.

"Dammit Craig! Stop thinking with your dick!" exclaimed Clyde.

"Isn't this whole stupid contest about thinking with your dicks?" Bebe snidely remarked, her chin resting in her hand.

"No!" Kenny and Clyde yelled simultaneously.

"This is about proving who is the number one guy in the school!" Clyde shouted.

"This is about crushing Donovan at his own stupid game so that he leaves me the fuck alone," said Kenny.

"Can someone just explain what the fuck this is about, please?" Craig sighed.

"I challenged Kenny to a semester long contest to see who can have sex with the most people." Clyde crossed his arms and had a proud look on his face.

Craig stared blankly at his friend. "You're kidding, right? Please be kidding."

"They're not," Bebe muttered.

"So why are you dragging me and Bebe into this?"

"We need two people to be the score-keepers and to keep us honest. Who's to say that McCormick won't just say that he had sex with three people over the weekend? How can we know that he's not a liar?" Clyde explained.

"That's right," Kenny continued. "Bebe, you have your finger on the pulse of girl culture at the school. You always know the latest gossip and how to see through the bullshit. So if Donovan says he had an orgy with the girl's soccer team, you will be able to prove that he's lying. My sexy friend here," Craig sunk lower into his chair, "has the sharpest gay-dar I've ever seen. Not that I'd lie about who I have sex with, but for transparency's sake, Craig can be able to tell if a guy has slept with me. He knows what it feels like the next morning."

Kenny grinned. Craig blushed. Clyde gagged. Bebe wanted to know the details.

"Hey assholes, your drinks are here!"

Tweek placed down a circular tray with four ceramic mugs on it. He handed Clyde and Bebe their orders, then placed two lattes in front of Kenny and Craig. Craig looked up at Tweek, his cheeks still tinted rose.

"I didn't order whatever the fuck this is," he remarked.

"Yeah, I know. Kenny ordered for you. He's a dick like that." He smiled at his friend.

Craig looked down at the hot creamy beverage. There was a heart drawn into the thin layer of white foam.

"What's with this gay looking heart?" Craig asked, eyebrow raised.

"I've been trying out latte art as a way to pass the time around here," Tweek answered.

Craig glanced at the top of Kenny's drink before his friend grabbed the mug and took a sip.

"Kenny's didn't have a heart."

"That's cause I only do it for cute people. I'd never bother doing it for this fucker's buttface."

Tweek grinned at Kenny, who smiled back. Kenny then kissed his open palm, curled his fingers under his chin, and flicked them out toward Tweek while blowing the kiss. Tweek caught the kiss in his hand, then smacked his hand onto his ass. Both friends chuckled before Tweek quickly turned back to Craig. He found him slouched down into his chair, tugging on his chullo so that it covered his eyes. The deep blue color of the hat really brought out the rich pink that had freshly settled in Craig's cheeks. Tweek picked up the empty tray and slipped it under his arm. He clapped his free hand on Craig's shoulder.

"Anyway, I hope you like the latte, cutie," he said, turning to head back to the counter.

Kenny couldn't stop laughing at Craig's embarrassed posture. Even Clyde and Bebe were amused by the whole scene.

"Somebody has a crush on Cra~aig!" Clyde and Bebe sang in unison.

"Fuck. You. All," Craig mumbled.

"Sorry about him, man. Since he moved back, he doesn't really filter his opinions. It's both really cool and really annoying. Don't really think anything of it, though. He tells people they're cute all the time." He took another sip of his latte, wiping his lips once he placed the cup back on the table. "You should really take a sip though, Tweek makes a mean latte."

"Alright!" Clyde slammed his palm down on the table, startling Craig out of his funk. "Let's get down to brass tacks!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Bebe asked, puzzled.

"I have no clue. I think I heard my dad say it once. The point is, let's finish figuring this shit out."

"I agree," Kenny interrupted. "I don't want to hang around your idiocy too long. I'm already starting to feel my brain cells begin to die off."

Clyde grimaced at Kenny, but continued. "So starting tomorrow, and continuing until the last day of this semester, we keep track of how many people we fuck. One point per unique person. No having sex with the same person four times and trying to get four points out of it."

"I won't have to resort to such low tactics, but that's a reasonable rule," Kenny agreed.

"Once a week, we meet back here…I'm thinking Sunday mornings. At that time, we'll go over the current scores so that we know where we stand. The last thing I'd want is to not realize I was losing until the very end."

"That's fine. I'll get much pleasure from rubbing your face in all the sex I have." Kenny grinned suggestively at Clyde, trying to get a rise out of him. It worked.

Clyde rolled his eyes and scoffed. "In your dreams, little drummer boy! I'm going to get so much pussy, you'll start to wonder where it's all coming from!"

"That's a good point you bring up, Clyde. Here's a rule. Only people who go to our school count. No taking a trip to Denver and trying to bang people there. No trying to nail a cheerleader from the visiting team after a game."

"Dammit, post-game is usually when I get my best pulls," Clyde pouted.

Kenny thought back to the comments that Karen had made about Clyde earlier that day. His eyes narrowed. "And let's keep it to juniors and seniors only. No freshmen."

"Yeah, of course, dude. Seniors hitting on freshmen freaks me the fuck out."

"So are you guys finally done squabbling over this shit?" Craig sighed. He looked at the clock on his cell phone and groaned. "I still have an art assignment to finish, you know."

"Yeah, we're pretty much done, I think. McCormick?" said Clyde.

"Yeah. Sounds good," Kenny agreed. "So we meet here in three days?"

"Nah, make it the Sunday after. I don't want it to be too sad for you when you're still at zero come Sunday and I'm up by, like, two," said Clyde.

"Yeah, yeah, keep talking a big game. It'll be even funnier when I wreck you."

The four students stood up from their chairs. Craig took one last sip of his cold latte, placing the empty mug down with the rest, before joining the others at the counter. Clyde offered to pay for all of the drinks, stating that it was only right since it was his idea for everyone to get together. Kenny suspected it was actually because he wanted to show of that he was Mister Moneybags and could afford a twelve dollar tab. They all thanked Tweek before headed out the door.

Craig lingered behind in the doorway for a moment. He turned his head back toward the counter, eyes glued to the floor.

"Uh…thanks dude. For the drink. It was good."

He let the door close loudly behind him. Tweek pulled his earbuds out when he heard the door thud close, but when he turned around, Craig was already out of sight.


The hallways of the school were brimming with excitement on Friday morning. Students and teachers alike were eager to get through the school day so that they could enjoy the first game of the season. The football team wore their jerseys to school and the cheerleaders had on their full uniforms, as was Park County High tradition. The marching band was also wearing matching t-shirts they had designed to look like jerseys on the back, with the performer's last name above the year, which served as their uniform number. The front had the marching band's logo faded behind '3BD' in bold font. It was only ten in the morning, and Kenny was already tired of being asked what the hell is 3BD?

"It's the band's motto for this season," he droned.

"That's a fucking dumb motto, Kenny! It doesn't even mean anything!" replied an exacerbated Cartman.

"Actually, it says 38D. That's the band's favorite cup size. We just…we just really love big full titties, Eric," Kenny added in a sarcastic tone.

"…Seriously? Even the chicks?"

"Yup. Even the chicks." Kenny yawned, barely having the energy to keep the conversation going.

"I knew it! All girls are secretly lesbians!" Cartman announced loudly as he finally took his seat. The girls in the class let out a collective groan at his asinine comment.

"H-hey Kenny!" Jimmy called out as he entered the room. "N-nice shirt! I see you all figured out a way to get your catchph-phrase past the man."

"I know right? Kyle thought it up. He can sometimes be pretentious about how smart he is, but damn, he can use those smarts to be a devious mastermind when he needs to. The Pussy Crusher can't object to three innocent letters, right? He doesn't need to know it stands for 'Bitches better bow down'."

"Let's hope he never finds out. I don't th-think we need another assembly about how the w-word 'bow' is a microaggression to Japanese-Americans…"

"And to think that was all because the drama teacher told the cast to bow during the curtain call of The Tempest last year. Dude."

Kenny shook his head and slouched down into his seat. English was one of the only classes he really enjoyed, other than band, of course. He wasn't interested in reading the so-called classics. He'd read Catcher in the Rye in elementary school and it totally sucked. The other books on the high school reading list weren't any better. Rather, what Kenny loved was the creative writing. He excelled at it. He used it as a platform for writing poetry. Well, not so much poetry as song lyrics, not that he had any music to go along with them yet. He put up with all of the other aspects of the class, doing well enough to get by, so that he could really express himself when it was time.

The teacher droned on about The Canterbury Tales, and Kenny had to start drumming his pencil against his notebook to stay awake. He turned his head to look out the window when he noticed that Red was staring at him from two rows over. He raised an eyebrow at her and turned back to the front. That was odd. She'd never really paid attention to him before, and they only ever interacted when it was required for a class. She had been on the cheerleading squad all through high school and they all tended to hang out with the football team. The marching band was sort of isolated from that social scene, even though they were the third part of the game day triad.

He returned his glance to the side a moment later and caught her twirling her hair with her fingers. The bright green nail polish she chose for game day popped against her fiery strands. She turned to look over at him once more and caught him looking. She smiled and winked.

She must be flirting because of the band camp photo. Why else would she be pursuing him now? It didn't really matter, though. Red was hot. Plus Kenny would be lying if he said he hadn't taken notice to how her cheerleading uniform fit her body just right when she walked into class. He had half a mind to drop his notebook near her as the class was leaving and see if she'd bend over to pick it up. He only had half a mind because he also wanted to keep some mystery for later.

His phone vibrated in the pocket of his jeans. Kenny smirked as he pulled it out and swiped open his screen. A text from Red. He turned to look back at her. She was leering at him with a suggestive smile and biting her finger. At the rate this was going, he could have his first point by the end of the night. Eat your fucking heart out, Clyde.

Hey. Nice pic the other day

Thx

How did you get my number?

Not that I mind. ;)

You're a popular guy.

Your number gets around

Just like you

Kenny smirked at the comment. It was certainly true that he tasted the many flavors available at the school, and he wasn't ashamed of it. Still, the comment lingered in the back of his mind, nagging at him. Did people see him only in that way? Despite all of his other talents and attributes, was that the only thing he was going to be known for? Fortunately, another buzz of his phone shook him out of his head.

Excited for the first game?

Yeah

Excited to see that skirt of yours in motion

Kenny peeked over at Red, winking when he caught her eye. She flashed him a coquettish smile and bit her lip. The classic lip bite. From Kenny's experience, that was usually a clear sign that someone was interested.

Hey, can you stay for a moment after class ends?

I was wondering if you'd walk me to my next class

There's something I want to ask you

Yeah okay

Now you got me all curious

and not just about what's under that skirt ;)

Red covered the side of her face with her hand so that Kenny couldn't see her blush. His first point was so close he could almost taste it. He quietly chuckled to himself. He placed the phone down on his desk and leaned back in his seat, arms folded behind his head in triumph.

The bell finally rung. Kenny leaned over to stuff his notebook and folders into his backpack. He saw a lovely pair of legs appear in front of him as he was zippering the bag shut. His eyes scanned up Red's legs and that's when he realized just how close his face was to the front of her skirt. He swallowed hard. His eyes continued to travel up her body until they locked with hers.

"Hey," he said, giving her a cocky half-smirk.

"Hey," she said back, clutching her notebooks to her chest.

Kenny wasn't sure if this was how Red always carried her belongings, or if she had chosen to not put her books in her backpack, instead using them to hide her chest from him. It was probably the former. Still, Red knew how to be a tease in all the right ways, whether intentional or not.

"Ready to go?" she asked.

"Yeah."

The made their way down the hallway, Kenny headed in the direction of his next class. He had no idea where Red's next class was, but it didn't seem like she really cared. She simply followed by his side.

"So I was wondering," Red began. "Are you busy later tonight after the game? Like around ten?"

Kenny glanced over at her. "Nah, I didn't have any plans. Why, what's up?"

"The football team and the cheerleaders have a party every season after the first game. It's, like, a tradition, you know? Anyway, it's supposed to be just for us, but we can invite other people as our date. It's just that typically most of the guys on the team are dating the girls in the squad or they don't bring a date because they only intend to get wasted and pass out. That's why it's kinda weird to see someone from another group there."

She stopped walked for a moment. Her eyes were focused down on the tiled floor, and all the confidence she had earlier suddenly seemed far away.

"So…I was wondering if you'd want to come with me? I…I think we could have a lot of fun together."

Her eyes then slowly fluttered up to meet Kenny's, and she gave him a look that would have had him throwing her over his shoulder and carrying her into the nearest janitor's closet if she had said the word.

"Fuck yeah, we'll have fun together," he muttered under his breath. "Uh, yeah. That sounds pretty cool. Where is it?"

"Stan's house. One of the co-captains always hosts and Stan offered."

"Really? You do mean Stan Marsh, right? He offered to host? How the hell did that happen?"

"He's the only one with an empty house tonight. I think his parents may have intentionally planned that, if you ask me. In order to raise Stan's cool points. Not that he needs them. He's a cool guy."

"Yeah, he's still a pretty good dude."

When they turned the corner, they saw Stan and Clyde chatting by Stan's locker.

"Hey, speak of the fucking devil," Kenny laughed.

Kenny and Red came up behind them and Kenny slapped his old friend on the shoulder.

"Cool jersey there, Stan," he said as Stan turned around.

"Oh hey, Ken! Thanks! Your shirt is…cool, too? I don't get it, though," Stan replied.

"Ask Wendy. Or better yet, ask Kyle," he grinned. "They can tell you all about it."

Kenny noticed Stan's facial expression shift to a look of concern, but it passed by quickly and he didn't think anything of it.

"Anyway, Mister Quarterback, I'll leave you to your rabid fans."

Kenny finally acknowledged Clyde's presence, making eye contact with him for just a moment on the word fans. He wrapped his arm around Red's waist, his hand resting on her hip.

"I'll see you later tonight, Stan," he added, his voiced laced with just a hint of intrigue.

As he and Red resumed walking down the hallway, Stan turned to Clyde.

"What do you think that was all about?" he asked.

"I dunno. Maybe he meant he's going to see your at the football game tonight. That'd make sense," said Clyde.

"Yeah, probably."

Clyde stared at Kenny's back as he walked away. He watched as Kenny turned his head to the side, licked his index finger, and held it in the air. Kenny quickly glanced over his shoulder to make sure that Clyde was watching. Clyde clearly got the message. A lead ball formed in the pit of his stomach. Dammit. Kenny was good. Real good. This wasn't going to be nearly as easy as he had thought.