You're never gonna be alone from this moment on
If you ever feel like letting go, I won't let you fall
You're never gonna be alone, I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone
He loaded her into his car and drove a bit faster than he should have. He had a thousand questions running through his head. He'd had no idea that she was pregnant. He looked at her in the passenger seat and felt his hear breaking for her. He reached over, took her hand and gave it a squeeze. It killed him to see the look of complete sadness that came to her face.
No words were said. None were necessary. Gillian kept her eyes closed tightly. Afraid that she would see the questions in Cal's eyes. Questions that were better left unasked. Maybe it was better that she was losing this baby. She never would've been able to stay married to Alec. Not while she was having another mans baby. The man that she really loved. She bit her bottom lip as another strong cramp hit her. She sucked in a deep breath. This time Cal whispered, "We're almost there luv. Just hold on."
Gillian nodded and closed her eyes again. They pulled up to the hospital and Cal rushed over to her side of the car. She was glad that he helped her out. Because, she didn't know if she could support herself.
After a few steps, it was clear to Cal, that she was took weak to manage walking. So, he bent and picked her up. He carried her the rest of the way to the hospital. She laid her head against his chest. She was deathly still. It frightened Cal. He wasn't used to Gillian being like this. She was usually so full of life.
They finally reached the entrance and Cal called out to the nurse on duty, "We need help! She's having a miscarriage."
Suddenly, they were surrounded on all sides. An orderly took Gillian from his arms and rushed her back behind the heavy metal doors. He watched them swinging back and forth. Finally, they stopped and Cal was left staring at them. He knew that he should move and sit, but he couldn't bring himself too.
Finally, after a few more minutes, he managed to make his way over to the chairs. He knew that he was a sight. He knew that he had blood on his clothes. Gillian's blood. It unnerved him. It made him realize how much he loved her. If anything happened to her...
He couldn't allow himself to have those thoughts. She was going to be fine. He knew that she'd be fine physically, but not emotionally. She'd always wanted a baby. Then he wondered something that he'd never dare ask her. Was it his baby? That thought nearly made him cry and cal Lightman was a man that rarely ever cried. There were only a few things in his life that brought him to tears.
Emily, was one of those things. Another was the woman that was behind those bloody doors.
He wasn't sure how long he'd been waiting there before the doctor came to get him. The doctor looked at him with an incredible sadness in his eyes and said, "I'm sorry sir. We couldn't save the baby."
"Gillian?"
The doctor smiled and said, "She's going to be okay. However, she's lost a lot of blood. She'll need to rest for a few days. Emotionally however, it will take her longer to recover."
Cal nodded and then asked, "Can I see her?"
The doctor nodded and led him to her room. She was curled up on the bed and Cal could hear the muffled sounds of her crying. He sat beside her and took her hand. She didn't open her eyes when she said, "It's all my fault."
Cal leaned down and whispered, "It's not your fault luv. These things happen. Maybe this wasn't the time."
Gillian swallowed hard and whispered, "It was yours. I'd just found out yesterday. That's the reason I called in sick. I..."
"Hush luv. You need your rest."
Hearing her sobs broke Cal's heart. He wanted to take away all of the pain that she felt. He leaned down and kissed her softly on the cheek, "It's not your fault."
"It is. Because I slept with you while I'm married. I'm being punished. I..."
"Shush Gilly."
Gillian closed her eyes tightly. Then she whispered, "I'd like to be alone."
Cal thought about protesting, but she looked so desperately sad that he didn't have the heart to argue. So, he leaned down and kissed her cheek again. Before he laughed he whispered, "I'll be back in a little while."
Gillian closed her eyes tighter. Trying to block out everything around her. She didn't want his pity. She wanted his love. She'd wanted this baby. Even if they couldn't be a true family, at least she'd have a part of him to love forever. Now, that was never going to happen. She also knew that they could never be together. She was damaged goods. She'd always known that. She thought that maybe it was just something that she and Alec had trouble with. She knew now, that it was her. She was damaged and couldn't carry a baby to term. The sooner that she accepted that fact the better.
She cried herself to sleep that night. Cal came back into her room and grabbed her hand. He'd hated leaving her alone here, but he felt that it was for the best. She slept for nearly an hour while he watched her sleep. She was absolutely beautiful. Even more so than when she was awake. There was something about watching her while she slept. All her guards came down. He was able to see her face without the worry that seemed to constantly be etched there.
When she awoke, she smiled sadly, "I'm sorry." The tears started again. She closed her eyes and said, "I can't seem to stop crying."
"It's understandable after what you've been through."
"I wish I could've done something to keep from losing our baby."
He nodded , "It's not your fault luv. There will be other chances luv."
She shook her head and said, "I'm afraid there won't be any chances for me Cal. This is the fifth miscarriage I've had in the last few years. I'm just not meant to be a mother. I thought that maybe it was just Alec's baby that I couldn't have. Now I think it's all my fault. I'm defective."
Cal looked at her and could barely stand the pain that he saw in her eyes. She truly believed every word that she'd just spoken. That's what made it difficult to watch. She wasn't lying or being deceitful, she believed that there was something wrong with her.
He looked at her, "It's not your fault Gilly."
She loved when he called her that. It made her feel happy inside. However, she didn't want to feel happy right now. She wanted to cry at the empty feeling inside her. She pulled his hand to her lips and kissed it softly. She whispered softly, "I love you."
Cal searched her eyes and it was then that he knew she was telling the truth. She loved him. Even after everything that he'd put her through when he left her. She loved him. It was hard for him to believe, but he saw it in her eyes. It shined brightly and he whispered, "I know luv."
"I wish things were different. I wish I could be with you."
"If only I'd made better choices luv."
Gillian nodded and closed her eyes and fell back asleep.
Cal watched her as she slept. He'd always known that she was still in love with him. They'd managed to keep their feelings in check. Except for those two nights in the office. He'd thought about those nights ever since. He wished that she wasn't' married so they could be together forever.
Until she made the first move of ending her marriage, he wouldn't say a word. He knew that it would be so easy to ask her to leave Alec, but he wanted her to leave him for herself. Not for him. It wouldn't be fair to either of them if she left him because he asked her to.
He sighed and closed his eyes and decided to get some sleep.
He awoke a few hours later when he heard Zoe say, "Isn't this a cute little picture!"
He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and asked, "What are you doing here?"
She gave him a look of annoyance and said, "I should be asking you that. Shouldn't her husband be here with her?"
"Not that it's any of your business, but he's out of town on business."
"Convenient."
He flashed her a look of annoyance and asked, "Is there a point to this visit or did you just come to check up on me?"
Zoe shook her head in disgust and said, "I'm leaving for a business trip and I need you to watch Emily."
"Of course, let me just let her know that I'm leaving."
"I'll be waiting out the in the other room."
Zoe turned on her heels and walked out of the room. She truly hated Gillian Foster. Mostly because she knew that, it was her that Cal really loved. He'd never loved her. Not really. Not in the way that he loved her. She was only lucky enough to have a baby with him. It didn't promise love or forever.
Zoe watched as Cal approached her, "Was she upset that you're leaving?"
"Should she be?"
"I would've been if my lover was leaving."
Cal sighed, but said nothing. It wasn't worth fighting with her over it. Besides, it was partly true. They had once been lovers. It would be so easy to slip back into the role again. Maybe a little too easy.
