Late updates suck, don't they? I'm really, incredibly sorry about how long it took me to get this up, but I was uber-busy with a bunch of crap I can't even begin to discuss. So, bash me over the head with a piano or something.

Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed. You all win at life. Seriously. :D

VI

WHAT KIND OF CRAZINESS IS THIS? IF THIS IS A METAMORPHOSIS, I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

I really hadn't planned on hitting civilization this soon.

I tried to return to my thoughts last night; to try and make some sense out of where I was and what I was doing, but everything was in a jumble. The silence, for some reason, made it hard to think. I just wasn't used to not having an audience. I'd expected to feel relief at that fact, but now it was downright freaky.

I'd had some other expectations that didn't quite work out, either. Well, not really expectations, but hopes. I'd hoped that the forest would stretch on for miles and miles, and I'd be able to keep running on and on. When the trees and shrubs had stretched out before me last night, they'd seemed endless. Now that the whole forest was behind me, I felt lost and confused. Out of my element.

Running was my element; my one and only talent, and I guarded the position of being the fastest werewolf of both packs with ferocity. Now that I was on my own, it didn't matter. There was no one to race against. The lack of competition was unnerving.

Although my thoughts about last night were in a jumble, I could pinpoint some more definite expectations. Foolishly, I'd expected this…journey to be more fulfilling. So far, I wasn't feeling any euphoria. In fact, the only thing I felt was a loud grumble in my lower belly that alerted me to the fact that I was starving.

I sniffed the air and looked around for opportunities to hunt. As unappealing as the idea of eating raw game was to me, my hunger was way too intense to go unsatisfied for much longer. Hunger was natural to me, but it definitely wasn't a comfort. I wrinkled my nose. The air smelled nasty, as if some sort of smoke was rising in plumes from a factory or something. Maybe it was some sort of industrial town with a bunch of them. Whatever it was, it pissed me off.

I swished my tail and trotted in a tight circle around a rock. Walking in wolf form felt like I was seated in a huge robot, only controlling from the inside. It didn't feel like me. It felt like some sort of body that I was sitting in; the two of us only connected for necessity. I flattened my ears against my head and wished that I could be like a bloodsucker and not have to breath so I didn't have to smell this disgusting scent. I shuddered then. I hated to wish for any qualities of a leech, but the stench was that bad.

The only good thing about that reek was that it minimized my hunger. When I smelled it, it made me sick and my appetite decreased. But not by much.

I pushed a cluster of ferns to the side with my nose and sniffed in deeply. Ah. Forest scent. Suddenly my system went into alarm mode. Along with the musky fern smell was a faint trace of deer.

Deer? Here? I could smell the smoky stench and I knew that I wasn't far from an industrialized city, so what was prey that big doing so close by? I decided not to worry about that. I'd take advantage of the nearby game.

I crouched down and squared my shoulders, trying to follow the weak trail. It was so faint that the deer was probably miles away, but I'd take my chances. I crept slowly forward easily. Seemed like that kind of hunting crouch was part of my nature. I was a wolf at heart. I suffered a bit of difficulty accepting that fact before I realized that it was the better alternative—better than being human. It wasn't possible that any wolf would have a worse life than my shitty human one.

A soft pattering of footsteps ahead snapped me out of my reverie. I focused on the space a few yards away—among the ferns was a small deer, one who had just lost its white spots judging from the creamy quality of its brown fur. My heart suffered a surprising blow. The deer was so little, so innocent nibbling the dry grass at its oversized hooves. As it moved onto a new patch, it stumbled a bit over its long, gangly legs.

I snorted quietly. Why was I feeling like this? I ate hamburgers all the time and hadn't had a single thought about the innocent cows killed so that I could smother their meat in ketchup. But this was different—I was doing the killing myself. I was the one who'd have to slice its baby flesh with my long claws and watch its blood spill over. My throat tightened at the thought. What was wrong with me?

I was never going to get done like this. I barked quietly and the deer scampered off. I settled down on the grass with a humph. I'd have to be hungry a bit longer until I got the guts to kill something.

I tried to focus on where I was. I took a peek from behind the ferns and growled throatily at what I saw. A cluster of small factories were spewing black smoke from their chimneys, and it curled together into swirls in the sky. It made me sick, physically and mentally. My enhanced sense of smell wasn't helping deal with the stench, and I'd always been a fan of the clean country air.

I glanced to the side. Some tiny houses were cluttered along the ridge of a hill, far away from the factories. A small grocery was squished in the center. My stomach growled audibly, and my heart leapt as I imagined the rows and rows of food piled on the shelves.

As usual, my hopes came crashed down within moments when I remembered that I had no clothes. Going into town naked would be as bad as going there as a huge wolf monster.

This pretty much sucked. So much for a quest.

I tried to reason my way through my predicament, but I was coming up empty. I didn't see a single way out of the mess I was in.

So I did the only thing I could do—I buried my head in my paws and lay down on the grass. I waited for fate to find me. Maybe, out of nowhere, some clothes would appear next to me. Maybe I'd suddenly remember a secret spot where I'd left some a while ago. Or maybe a tree would fall on me and crush me. Like that was even possible. I wished, for the millionth time, that I were still human. Just ordinary Leah, with a boyfriend and a school and friends and family who liked me…

My heart stuttered strangely against my chest and I felt like crying. I wished more than ever that things would go back the way they used to be. Sam and me sitting on the porch swing eating ice cream cones on Saturday…Seth and me swimming in the lake and jumping off the dock… Those thoughts seemed like faint, far-off fantasies now.

I wished, for one instant, that I were back home, no matter how miserable I was there. But it seemed that split-second thought was enough. As soon as it entered my mind, I was suddenly conscious of an audience.

Leah? Jared. I almost smiled in sheer relief, but I didn't like him that much.

Jared? I was surprised by the neutral quality of my voice, and remembered that I still owed him a huge favor.

Hey, Leah. How's it coming?

It sucks, actually. I… I hesitated. I forgot clothes.

Jared's embarrassment only added to my own. Well, where are you?

I sniffed the air and tried to pinpoint my position. Some thirty miles south of Forks, I think. Near some gross factories.

As soon as I remembered the picture, Jared made the connection. Oh, you must be near Washington, then. I know where you are. Do you want me to come, or should I send Seth?

Seth?

Oh, right. I forgot. Well, we all sort of…ditched Sam last night. We joined Jake's pack, actually. Seth's raring to go. I think he misses you.

More elbow rubbing with the bloodsuckers. I growled. But one part of that did please me—Sam was no longer Alpha. Good. He didn't deserve the position.

Um. He hesitated. Sam…can't really be Alpha anymore.

What? I thought, alarmed. Why not? Did something happen to him? My heart raced fearfully.

He hesitated, avoiding the question. Jared! I growled.

Okay, Leah, he thought. Jake's the real Alpha through lineage. And, now, since we're all with Jake, Sam has no control over us anymore. We've all changed sides.

Sides? I repeated scathingly. What is this, some kind of war?

No, no, he assured me. But Sam can't corral us the way he used to. Jake can't, either. But he's a different kind of Alpha. You know that.

Yeah, I thought. I know. Who'd he pick as beta?

Nobody, replied Jared. He doesn't want to piss you off. He thinks you're coming back.

Fantastic.

What do you mean? he demanded. You're not coming back?

I don't know, I thought. I felt his uncertainty, so I repeated more clearly, I don't know.

Give me a shout when you find out, okay?

Fine, I agreed.

Okay. So, you really don't mind if Jake picks a new beta…just until you're back? he hedged.

It's fine, Jared, I growled. Now hurry up with the stuff, will you?

I could hear him huff at my impertinence. Fine. So impatient. I'll send Seth over now.

Thanks.

No problem, Leah, he thought. And then the connection was dropped between us. The silence was satisfying, but still strange. I wasn't used to being alone with my thoughts. I preferred not having an audience, but I felt lonely at the same time.

Shut it off, Leah.

I circled once and sat down on the grass, folding my paws across my chest. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but it facilitated any quick motions without tiring me out. I waited, staring up at the sky, and wondering if Seth was coming as a wolf or not. Since I couldn't hear his thoughts, I assumed the latter.

In that case, he'd borrowed a bloodsucker's car. I growled. I didn't like that for two reasons. One, Seth was only fifteen, and what did he know about driving? It's not like we got much practice down at La Push. We only had one car between all of us, for crying out loud. Second, it gave me the shivers just to picture my baby brother squished into a leech's expensive Mercedes.

My baby brother. A pain stung at my heart. God. What was wrong with me? I'd been away all of one day and I already missed them. Even Quil and Embry and Jared. Even Jake. Even people that I barely liked.

Hopefully, I'd be able to turn it off in time. Maybe it'd get easier as time went by. Practice makes perfect. Shouldn't that theory apply here?

It should. But, in my case, it wouldn't. Fate would take any chance it could get to ruin it for me.

My ears pricked suddenly at the sound of a motor, rumbling like far-off thunder. I got to my feet and peered through the trees and brambles. Sure enough, a small, silver car that I vaguely recognized as a Volvo was speeding along the road. It passed me, and then slowed to a halt several yards away. My heart pounded in my chest as I tried to calculate the speed it'd been going. Seventy, eighty—way past the speed limit. A growl formed in my throat.

Seth opened the door and got out, slamming it shut behind him. I winced at the sound. His black hair was mussed from the wind and he was smiling, an enormous grin. In his right hand, he was carrying a large black duffel bag.

I pawed at the ground to let him know where I was. He glanced in my direction, and, spotting my gray face peering out between the leaves, sauntered towards me. I growled disapprovingly at him, but he kept grinning.

"Nice to see you, too, Leah."

I nudged the suitcase in his hand, getting a little annoyed at my inability to talk. Our body language forms of communication really weren't much fun.

"There's some money in there," he informed me. "And some clothes, shoes, a toothbrush, a blanket…you know, the necessities."

I stared at him quizzically, wondering if he really had enough time to pack an entire suitcase for me. He understood my doubtful look and responded.

"Esme helped. She really likes you, you know."

That was actually a shock. I hadn't been mean to her, exactly, but I'd never been particularly nice to the vampire mother hen. She freaked me out, to be honest. I'd never imagined a bloodsucker to be so…maternal.

I grabbed the suitcase delicately in my teeth and darted off through the trees. Once I'd laid it on the ground, I phased, glancing around self-consciously before pawing through the clothes to find something to wear.

I settled on a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt, both of which smelled like a combination of Lysol and leech. Weird. Looked like Mommy Vampire had taken enough care to spray them with disinfectant.

I raced back to where Seth was standing, not caring to think about how I actually looked. "Back," I said, slightly breathless.

"Hi, Leah," he said, and then pulled me into an unexpected hug. "Missed you."

"Yeah, me too," I said honestly, but making an attempt to keep my expression blasé. "How're things with the bloodsuckers."

"Great," he replied enthusiastically. "Things are good. I mean, the thing with Sam—," –a sideways glance in my direction— "--that kind of sucks. But besides that…everything's fine. It would be better if you were there, though."

I didn't even have to see his face to know that he was lying. I was a downer, a wet blanket. Everywhere I went, misery followed, and I brought that misery on other people. Misery loves company. I would've dampened the mood tenfold. No one missed me.

Seth must've seen the expression on my face, and he frowned. "I'm serious. We miss you." I scoffed. "But you have to do what you have to do, I guess."

I didn't guess. I knew. I didn't want to be a downer. I wanted to be the Leah I thought I was inside. The sarcastic, shrewd, witty…nice Leah. The Leah I was before Sam and Emily. And I wanted someone who liked the inside Leah I thought I was.

But no one would get to see the inside Leah. Not unless I brought her into light again, to watch her dance, to watch her shine. I bit my lip. I wasn't feeling to optimistic about that.

"Well…" I hesitated, not wanting to say goodbye but at the same time itching to get a start on the whole journey thing. "Thanks for the stuff, Seth."

"No problem." He blinked. "When do you think you'll be back, Leah?"

"I have no idea," I answered.

Seth blinked again, and then leaned in again for another hug. I wrapped my arms around him, holding him to my chest. He was taller and larger than me, but I still felt protective of him. He looked so big, but in reality, he was so young, only fifteen. I bit my lip again. "Love you, Leah," he said quietly.

"Me too." I unwrapped my arms slowly, and then stared up at him, trying to memorize his face. I didn't know when I would see it again. Every line on his brown skin—I'd taken it all for granted before.

This was going to be harder than I'd thought. A lump was already forming in my throat, but I couldn't let it form tears. "'Bye, Seth," I said, swallowing to dislodge the obstruction.

"'Bye, Leah." He gave me one last glance before turning and walking back towards the car. I watched him go, watched his retreating back and then the silver car retreating down the highway. I watched until it had completely disappeared into the distance.

When I was sure that he was gone, I turned to return to my suitcase. I looked inside the pockets and found that there was no food. Instead, I found an enormous wad of bills. Clipped to them was a note. Use it for what you need.

I gaped at the money. There had to be over two thousand dollars in there. That was more than I'd had in my miniscule savings account for the last decade. Another lump formed, and this one I swallowed somewhat guiltily. Guilty for what? For being mean to bloodsuckers? What was wrong with me?

You know things are bad when you feel guilty for being rude to vampires, Jacob had once said. I tried not to think about that. I tried not to think about Jacob, or anyone else—or what the consequences of my guilt might mean.

Instead, I rolled up the money and stuffed some of it into my pocket. It was already clipped into fifty-dollar increments. Fifty bucks was more than I needed for food for the next few days. I didn't eat much, even though it was pretty cool that I could inhale as much as I wanted without even putting on a pound. Go werewolves.

My stomach growled again, so I slid on some shoes and tried to wipe my face free of the dirt. Sidling up against the ferns, I noticed a small convenience store nestled in the crook of a hill.

I walked over, taking long strides. The smell worsened as I drew closer, and I wrinkled my nose in disgust. The factories continued to spew smog into the air, polluting it, swelling up with black clouds in the sky. No place should be like this. There should be a law. A constitutional amendment. Something.

I opened the glass door of the store, and a bell rung overhead as it swung open. It was tiny, dingy, and poorly lit. I hurried down the aisles as my stomach growled more audibly, grabbing what I hoped would keep my hunger satiated for the next few days—weeks. Who knew how long it would be until I hit civilization again?

I stopped in front of the potato chip section, trying to decide between barbecue and sour cream and onion. I felt someone prod my shoulder, and I spun around. About three heads below me was a tiny, wrinkled man that looked like he belonged on the deck of a nursing home. Or the morgue.

"Excuse me," he said in a small voice. I detected a slight accent that reminded me a little of Billy's. Was he from a rez nearby? I only knew of La Push and Makah. Maybe there was another one close to here. I hoped so. It would be a nice place to crash. "Do you need help, young lady?"

"No," I said shortly. "I'm fine."

He nodded, bowing his head and slogging off back behind the register. I blinked at his retreating back. Weird. I grabbed the barbecue chips and added them to my armful of food. I tried to count what I had and see how much it would add up to. Bread, chips, a few candy bars. Guiltily, I added some fruit and whole-grain pretzels. Wouldn't my mother be proud?

I almost forgot water as I slid up to the counter. I grabbed several bottles from the cooler in the back, adding them to my pile. It was enough, and it wasn't too heavy. I could carry it without a problem. I noticed some rope in the back and added that, too. No way was I going to run in my slow human form while carrying all this junk. I needed to the suitcase somewhere.

As I watched the tiny man ring up my items, I let my mind wander. Why was he still working here? From the crappy state of the place and the loaded shelves, I got the idea that business wasn't exactly booming. I felt bad for him, something unusual. Usually the only sympathy I had was reserved for myself.

He packed my food into a plastic bag, and I stuffed the bag into my suitcase. "Thanks," I said. He tried to give me my change, but I shook my head. "Keep it."

Now, that was unusual. I bolted out of the door before he could guilt me into anything else. Once I was safely back in my clearing, I sat down with the bag of barbecue chips and began to gorge myself on deep-fat fried snacks. While I was eating, I thought.

Up until then, I really hadn't had any kind of plan. But it occurred to me then that I would have to make one sooner or later. I knew that I would have to go south if I wanted to get anywhere, since Forks was on the very edge of the Washington Peninsula.

I didn't have any particular goals besides just getting away. I just needed an escape. Anything would be better than listening to Sam and Emily and their lovey-dovey-ness. What was I looking for besides some kind of relief? I didn't know. I was secretly wishing that it would pan out like those old movies; that I would find something or someone and I would live happily ever after and go to Disney World, but I didn't dare get my hopes up.

So, I decided to stick with my goal of escape. It seemed like the best bet. As long as I stopped with the whole 'lonely' crap, I would be fine. Maybe I would find somewhere else to stay. Maybe I would never have to go back.

Maybe I would imprint.

The thought shocked me. I'd given up on the idea of imprinting after my fruitless trip to downtown Forks—was it only a day ago? I wasn't even sure if it was possible. But getting my choices taken away seemed like a very nice option at that point.

I glanced down. I'd polished off almost the entire bag of chips, and I still felt hungry. Oh well. I could eat later. The smell was ruining it, anyway. I got to my feet, packed my stuff away and undressed. I felt self-conscious, even though there was no one around. Then I tied the suitcase to my ankle and prepared to phase.

It was quick and painless, just how I'd hoped. I felt different, too, which was also a relief. I didn't want to feel like Leah anymore. I didn't even know what it felt like to be Leah, besides the major suckage.

I peered through the ferns. It didn't seem at all safe to run through the dead center of town, so I skulked around the edges, traipsing around the town in the forest. Once there was nothing but trees and bramble ahead of me, I really kicked it into gear.

I pushed my legs harder, faster, and a feeling of longing increased. The burning desire pooled in my chest, spreading to encompass the entirety of my being. The desire wasn't particularly defined; I wanted so many things. But it was all centered around a main point—my happiness.

I didn't even have to be really happy. Just a faint whisper of pleasure would be nice. Something, anything, that would help me pick up the shattered pieces of my life. Maybe I would find a new place to stay, away from Sam and Emily, somewhere I belonged. Maybe I would find an imprint. Anything. Any of those worked for me. I just needed a little boost. Something. Anything.

I tore through the forest, not bothering to find a fixed tempo or keep my pace. I was racing, sprinting, as fast as I could. It was nice to remember the edge I claimed back with the pack: my speed. I loved to run.

I wondered, suddenly, why I couldn't hear Seth or Jared or any of them anymore. It occurred to me then that I had distanced myself from them. I was no longer tied to that pack, just like I was no longer tied to Sam. I couldn't hear their thoughts because I wasn't loyal to them anymore.

But I still felt like I was. I still considered them the only thing remotely close to a 'family.' Maybe it was different. I still loved them and cared about them and all that great stuff, but not in a pack kind of way. In a real family kind of way. Not just sticking together because of convenience or because it was my duty as a werewolf, blah, blah, blah.

I actually loved them. I shuddered. What a creepy thought. I honestly hadn't seen that one coming. No matter how much they annoyed me, I was still missing them. Ugh! It was so unfair. Almost as unfair as Sam and Emily; I loved them, too. Although I couldn't say that I missed them. Not after all of that. It was too much.

I let my mind wander again as I ran, although I kept a lazy watch on my surroundings so that I didn't accidentally wander into civilization. I wasn't in the mood to get shot at. Even though I couldn't really die, bullet wounds hurt like hell.

I remembered, with sudden clarity, several months beforehand, when Bella had still been human and when she had been pregnant—I clenched my teeth together—with Renesmee. Jacob and I had talked—actually talked, what a shock—about our problems. Well, I'd more or less just bitched about my troubles to him. But in that moment, I'd felt a connection. We'd both suffered the same kind of pain. We understood.

No, I didn't love Jacob in the lovey-dovey kind of way, but it was a pain on my heart to watch him suffer the same way I had. It was so unfair for him to have to watch Bella waste away and die, and even though I couldn't have cared less about the stupid leech-lover, I felt protective. In the older-sister kind of way, like I did about Seth.

It had taken a lot of effort to march into the bloodsucker lair and complain about how Jacob was being treated, but I'd managed it. It'd been a blow to my pride—showing actual concern for him; ouch—and I knew that if I went too far, Edward would've launched me right out. Whatever. I could've taken him. But, still.

I remembered my monologue with impeccable clarity.

"You love Jacob, huh? Is that right? Well, it doesn't seem like that to me. You're making him watch you waste away to nothing for some stupid leech's demon spawn! Isn't it enough? Can't you just let him go? You already chose a bloodsucker over him. How much more badly do you want to hurt him? Just jab him some more; make fun of his pain? What kind of a masochist do you think he is? If you know him so well—if he's your 'best friend'—then why can't you see how much he's suffering? Just get over yourself already. Just because you have your bloodsucker and you got your happy ending doesn't mean you can poke fun at the ones who didn't. Suffer a little bit for once in your life. Is that so hard? Let him get on with his life already. You've chosen your life, now let him live his without any interference!"

I smiled to myself as I thought of that, but winced at the pain that accompanied that particular memory. My words of protection for Jacob had mirrored my feelings for Sam exactly.

I knew that many of the others—Embry, Jared, and Quil, especially—didn't understand why it was so hard for me to get over Sam. I didn't fully understand myself. But every time I let the memories back into my head—the ones of Sam and me, together, as a perfect couple, it was enough pain that made me feel as if I were being split in two with a razor.

When I'd met Sam, it'd been sparks. Fireworks and bells, the whole package. Foolishly, I'd believed that he was 'the one'—that we'd be together forever. That we'd sit, rocking on the porch, holding hands as we both aged, gray-haired and wrinkled, and watching our tiny grandchildren play in the yard. That image made my eyes sting and my heart ache. I shoved it out of my head.

And now, I had to watch my own dream come true with someone else in my place. It was like watching the movie of your life, except with another actress in your shoes, saying your lines, and delivering them all wrong.

He could have his life. I didn't care. No, that was a lie. I did care. I cared much, much more than I should. But I loved him enough that I wanted him to be happy. I just didn't want to stick around and watch.

I wasn't a masochist. Nowhere near it. Instead of enduring the pain internally, I'd lashed out at everyone around me. My friends and family had all suffered with me. It was unfair, I knew, but I'd been dealt such an injustice that I didn't care. I didn't care how many people I hurt; how many lives I ruined, because I was suffering the most pain of them all.

In the course of just several weeks, I had gruesomely transformed from a happy, witty, energetic nineteen-year-old with a dreams and hopes and a future to a shrewd, cynical, angry, bitter harpy.

What was I now? Was I still the bitter harpy? Yes, I was. That Leah had not vanished over time. But a part of me felt empty—hungry for more. I wasn't whole. I was broken in two. One half of me was furious and bitter and full of hate and spite and angry words, and the other was sitting in the back, skulking against the wall, and just hoping and dreaming for something more. If I kicked both of them out, who would be left?

I didn't know. Would I be the Leah I was before? Was that still possible, after all that I'd been through? I fervently hoped so. I was in a healthier place now. I wanted to forgive, forget all that I'd been through. I was one step closer to being the Leah I wanted to be.

Was this journey part of my blossoming, part of my metamorphosis? Just baby steps. Slow and steady wins the race.

I kept running, a glimmer of hope on the horizon rather than an ocean of bitterness and grief. I got the feeling that, maybe, just maybe, there was something more for me out there. Something that I couldn't find in La Push or Forks. I just didn't know what that 'something' was.

I was prepared to find out. I was ready now. I had my food, I had my clothes, I had my supplies, I had my cash, and I had a semblance of the right attitude. Now, I felt as though my journey was truly beginning.

Gah. Short chapter, I know. And really boring. I'm sorry about that; I just realized that it would be unrealistic for Leah to continue her journey with nothing—not even the clothes on her back (since there were none to start with). That chapter was a bit of a filler. I try my best not to write fillers, but it was necessary here. Since I don't really have much of a plan for this fic, I expect it to be a rocky road.

This chapter also wasn't much good, besides the ending. I really liked the ending a lot. You know how I love having Leah monologue. It's the most fun for me to write. I love experimenting with her voice and trying to get her character right, something I don't think I've accomplished quite yet. Oh well. This is just a test run. Hopefully, by the end of this fic, I'll have gotten a better feel for her character. Like always, I'm writing for fun, and developing characters in different ways is the most enjoyable for me.

I hope you all aren't too mad at me for writing a filler. The preface will be coming soon—as soon as I get an idea of what I'm trying to accomplish. ;D

As always, constructive criticism is appreciated, and reviews are love. Like it or hate it, I need feedback.

--Breeze