4: Longing to live

Three weeks after I was taken in by Zaraki, I was able to fly and run properly. I had gained most of my spirit energy back and my kidō. However, I was clumsy; being out of action for 36 years does that to you, but something felt different inside me – an unexplained coolness flowed through my blood, like water. I remember the day I touched the water in the pond and turned to ice, but how could that be an explanation? Zaraki saw for only a brief moment what had happened, but I could tell that this wasn't something to just dismiss.

Today would be the first day I could wear my shikakushō and train with my zanpaku-tō. I was extremely nervous, as the last time I used my zanpaku-tō it was all for the wrong reasons and that was what my 36 years in the Repentance Palace was for. I've never known the name of the zanpaku-tō yet; perhaps I was too young to learn it and to train it, but now that I am older it should come to me.

I was looking up at the ceiling when I was thinking about training today, when I suddenly realised, what am I training for? I was already a member of the 13 Court Guards, though not a ranked one – I had only just graduated from the academy, so what was it for? A soft thump woke me from my day dreams and I noticed Yachiru standing in front of me, her huge innocent eyes bearing into mine. I felt uncomfortable, so I looked away but she tugged on my sleeve and pulled me up.

"Kenny's waiting for you, so stop being lazy. He wants you to wear your shikakushō, so hurry up and get dressed." She scolded and ran away. She was right though, I had kept him waiting; I suddenly noticed my soul reaper uniform flopped on the back of the chair on the other side of the room. Seconds later I unwrapped my dressing gown and slipped it on. It was sleeve-less like a vest and had a cloak that swept midway down my legs. Light grey cut-offs were made for me to wear underneath the cloak and as I put them on I noticed the stitching at the bottom still had my name on them: Zooi Yamamoto. I would have to take that off to avoid attention. As I looked in the mirror, I noticed how skinny I had become; in all 36 years I hardly ate, because I believed I didn't deserve to live, but I was force fed most times. After a few years, I stopped being force-fed and was given food once a day. My bones showed everywhere; if I wanted no attention drawn to me I would have to do something about that i.e. train with that monstrous man Zaraki.

Yachiru appeared again once I finished pulling my boots on.

"Hurry up, I'm waiting." She sighed. "Zaraki wants me to take you." I wondered how a little girl like her could carry me, when she yanked me onto her back and zipped over buildings until we reached a cave. It was dark once inside and since being in the cell I had developed a phobia of dark places. I trembled and Yachiru was forced to drag me in. To my utmost surprise, the actual cave didn't look like a cave – there appeared to be sky and trees and proper rocks, but I soon learned that the sky and trees were painted on. I spotted Zaraki sitting atop the tallest rock, his long, beautiful legs dangling over. Something about him that made me become attracted to him, however I was able to feel his spiritual energy for the first time properly; it was intense, but I could hold myself steady. I noticed that Miss Unohana was also here, standing gracefully. She was holding something; my zanpaku-tō! I wanted to turn my nose up at it, but instead I was amazed that it still existed especially what crime had been committed with it. Yachiru was tugging at my cloak again.

"Why are you looking like that? I thought you would at least be grateful to see your sword again – I can't carry mine, so I leave it behind." Yachiru was surprisingly quick to catch on even with those intimidating eyes of hers. However, I felt compelled to touch my zanpaku-tō, as though it was fate drawing me in.

Zaraki.

The moment I set eyes on Zooi that night in the cell, I knew she was …R's… daughter. Her spiritual pressure felt like hers and the Captain-General's; strong but compressed. She would be my prize. I knew that one day she will grow to be as strong as me, perhaps even stronger; what a beautiful thought. To finally be defeated by somebody other than …R… would be truly wonderful. I grinned as I watched Zooi walk through the cave, her wispy blue hair sticking up. I felt attracted to her, but I was unsure why, maybe I'll find out in future? But for now, I shall watch as her training begins. Captain-General has no respect for her any more, but I know how she felt when she drew her sword against others and repented for her crime, I want to know her power, I want to see her succeed, but most of all I want to see her happy and smile. Not once has she changed her expression since I carried her out of the Repentance Palace, although when she sleeps she looks relaxed and calm. I feel her energy spike sometimes when she's asleep and pray for something to happen, but nothing does. I want to be the first one to make her happy. Yachiru will understand in time, but she cannot understand how I feel. Zooi is the daughter of the Captain-General; the most important man in the Soul Society and …R…; also an important person, but Zooi was left, abandoned because she made one mistake. …R… had helped me, spotted me in the roughest parts of Rukongai as a child and gave me life. I never understood that feeling …R… had, but I believe that I do now. I want to give Zooi a life…