A/N: I don't own Merlin. That was the luck of the BBC.
…Extra long explanation as to where I've been at the end of the chapter.
*This chapter deals with panic attacks*
For the past two weeks, Merlin had slowly been returning to 'light duties', which had been frustrating at best. Although it was better than sitting around moping in the physician's quarters, he was still frustrated with his lack of progress. Fetching and carrying was heavily restricted, as was intense duties such as polishing. He wasn't allowed to even think about going near training.
"Merlin," Arthur smiled when he entered the room, glad to see his manservant up and about at least. He'd been concerned when Gaius had come to him to speak about his ward, and how much he wished to return to service. Arthur couldn't quite believe it, Merlin – the constant complainer about his lack of days off – had asked to return to work? Hid enquired as to his wellbeing, if he was up to fulfilling all his duties after such a short time spent recuperating from something which very nearly put him in the ground. Gaius had simply pursed his lips and uttered that he was signing him off for small tasks, that anything even slightly exerting would rip his stiches and set his recovery back weeks. "I've not seen you all day."
Arthur was trying, he really was. Every time he looked at Merlin a cocktail of emotions burned throughout him, the most obvious being worry. During his return, Merlin had barely spoken to Arthur. It wasn't through a lack of effort on Arthur's part though, he'd been gently encouraging Merlin to speak to him about their ordeal. However, he'd let it be when it became quite clear Merlin didn't want to, replying only with 'leave it alone Arthur'. Clearly the moment they'd shared in Gaius' quarters had been nothing more than extraordinary relief, the two of them simply grateful to be alive. But now, Arthur was beginning to worry he'd never truly have Merlin back, that their friendship would forever be tainted by Drin's evil deeds and malicious acts.
"Been busy." Came the reply. His succinct responses worried Arthur even more, Merlin had never been one to shut up, never one to shy away from conversation or the occasional insult banded about. He was practically not there anymore, the lightness, the laughter that made him Arthur's best friend seemed to have fizzled out the moment they'd returned home and reality had caught up with them. "I've got… things." He mumbled nodding towards the door, barely taking account of Arthur as he left the room.
Had it been anyone else, Arthur would've demanded they return, and address him properly, and at least look him in the eye. However, he just watched Merlin leave, not wanting to hold him up any longer than he had already. His heart was heavy with guilt, unable to shake the feeling that this would be their lot forever, and in all honesty, he couldn't blame him. If the roles were reversed, he didn't know if he'd ever forgive him for the action he took in that tower.
As Merlin walked out of Arthur's room he scrunched his face in anger, not at the king, but at himself. Why couldn't he stop doing that, treating Arthur like everything was his fault? He knew he felt no anger or resentment towards Arthur, in fact he'd more than proved that he'd managed to push aside his prejudices in favour of their friendship. But every time they'd tried to be 'normal' with one another, every fibre of Merlin's being was screaming that this was wrong, that it shouldn't be happening and he should stay well away from everything.
From his arrival in Camelot, Merlin had dreamed of a time when Arthur knew about his magic, when he was not faced with the stress of keeping his enormous secret, that one day he would rest easy knowing he wasn't in danger of Arthur discovering the truth. However, upon his return, Merlin had never slept less in his life.
Images of Drin haunted his every waking move; the minute he closed his eyes the warlord was there, knife in hand, ready to hurt Merlin some more. When he would finally manage to fall asleep, that look of horror on Arthur's face had been burnt into his mind, fused with Drin's taunting words. The lack of sleep and nightmares that haunted him even whilst awake had led him to become even more unsteady on his feet, and had given his hands a subtle twitch that wasn't there before.
"Merlin!" The guard greeted joyously from the other end of the corridor. It'd made Merlin start, yet another symptom on a long-growing list, but he took a breath and calmed himself before he walked towards the guard. He really, really didn't want to talk, but even though he was exhausted, he still had his manners. "I haven't seen you in a while."
"No, I've er… been sick, and you know Gaius, always making sure people are a hundred percent before letting them back to work." Merlin grimaced. He was having trouble sticking to just one story of where he'd been the last month. "Anyway, enough about me, how have things been here?"
"Well, we had that mad dash looking for the king, and all of you, which I never really got to the bottom of…" The guard squinted for a moment, as if in thought, then shook it off. "After you all came back it's been quiet, not a lot going on, no 'evil sorcerers' infiltrating Camelot!" He guffawed, to which Merlin only gave an uncomfortable chuckle.
"That's, um, good?" He smiled uneasily. "I'd love to stay and chat, but I have a month of chores to catch up on, and you what I'm like, I'll no doubt forget to do something." Merlin motioned to the end of the corridor where he was originally headed, and made to leave, the weight of holding the tray for just that short length of time already pinching his muscles quite tightly, and it was now becoming painful.
"Alright, see you later." The guard smiled, then slapped Merlin just below his bad shoulder in a friendly gesture, as he was leaving.
Had it been any other time, Merlin would've laughed it off with the guard. Perhaps he'd have followed it up with a promise to meet him in the tavern some time for a catch up. However, this wasn't any other time, and Merlin immediately felt a chill run down his back at the contact. It wasn't malicious, or carried out with any ill-intent, but his mind didn't see it that way. It only thought of Drin, thought of his knife and beatings from his guards, and it panicked.
Merlin said nothing, walking as quickly as he could around the corner, down the hall and through a large door into a back corridor. As soon as he was alone he felt his legs collapse under him as he roughly hit the stone floor. His breath had sped up and was catching in this throat; the constricting tightness in his chest was a contrast to his heart, which was racing to the point he felt it might escape from his chest and his vision had blurred to the point he couldn't see anything.
His thoughts leapt from one to the other; about Drin and the tower and the knife and Arthur, and how Arthur hated him and hated magic, and how none of this could possibly be real, he couldn't be here in Camelot still if Arthur knew. Somewhere in the distance a bell was ringing, though it could've just been the drumming in Merlin's ears, his senses flooded with the overwhelming sense of fear. He was going to die, the idea of it just wouldn't leave his head, he was going to die.
"Merlin." That cruel, singsong-y voice was battling the ringing; that sound that haunted his dreams blasting in his ears. It wasn't real, it wasn't real, it couldn't be real, he was dead, wasn't he? "Merlin." The voice carried on, cackling through his mind.
"Merlin? Merlin!" That voice was different, that wasn't Drin's, that was familiar, really familiar, but he didn't know how. "It's ok, Merlin, it's ok." Merlin's hands were tightly squeezed over his eyes, and he was slumped against the wall of the corridor, his breath ragged and heart still pounding. Someone though had put their hands on his arms, as light as a feather so as not to startle him, merely try to bring him some comfort. It was the gentlest of touches that managed to bring him back to reality, as much as he could, and he slowly removed his hands from his face, and opened his eyes.
"Gwen?" His voice was heavy and croaking, and he couldn't quite catch his breath, but he'd never been so happy to see the maid kneeling down in front of him. She wore a pensive expression, her brow was furrowed and her lips upturned into a worried frown, and her eyes were scanning Merlin's for signs of recognition. "Is this real?" He whispered, glancing around, expecting the world to fade away into a horrific vision of the tower, but to his surprise they stayed in the empty grey corridor, splashed with the red of the Pendragon crest.
"Yes, Merlin, I'm real, you're real, we're in Camelot." She smiled softly at him, her voice gentle as if speaking to a new-born. "Now you have to try to breathe for me, okay? You need to breathe slowly." She kept eye contact with him as his breathe grew more and more stable, and his heart rate slowed down.
"Real." He repeated to himself, nodding slowly, making sure to keep his breathe steady. "Thank you." He leant forward, stopping short of wrapping his arms around Gwen. He hadn't felt so secure with someone since his return, and the proximity to her was helping to clear the foggy clouds of his mind.
"Oh Merlin." Gwen had to stop herself squeezing him tight. "What happened to you?" She whispered to herself, having never seen Merlin in such a state. Medically, he'd been in many scrapes before; she'd sat with him as the poison from Nimueh's chalice had worked its way through his body. However, he'd never broken down mentally, not like this. "Can you walk? We need to go to Gaius."
Merlin was reluctant to try to stand at first, worried his shaky legs would give way underneath him, but with a little persuasion from Gwen, and leaning on her for support, they made their way through the corridors towards the physician's quarters. Gwen made sure to take him through the quieter corridors, it was a slightly longer walk but a lot less populated with guards and nobles alike, as she had a feeling Merlin wouldn't want anyone to see him like this.
She helped him into the room, settling him down at the table, then checked through the house, looking for Gaius.
"He must be out on a visit," Gwen smiled, trying to keep her concerned expression neutral for Merlin, "I'll sit with you until he comes back." She took his hand, a gesture they both knew to be nothing more than friendly concern. After a few moments, once Merlin had finally caught his breath, a painful silence began to creep over them both. "Merlin…" She began, unsure of how much he'd be willing to talk about what happened.
"I don't know what to tell you Gwen," He wouldn't look at her, couldn't, after what just happened. "I… had a moment of…" He had no words for her, no simple explanation that would satisfy her worry, other than the obvious truth he was unwilling to admit to himself.
"Panic, you can say it Merlin." Her tone was one of understanding, of an empathic sympathy. "And you can tell me what happened, I'm not going to tell anyone else."
"No one, really?" Merlin eyed her wearily, not intending for his tone to be cold, but nonetheless, that was how it came out, "not even Gaius?" Her silence told him everything. "I've spoken to him anyway; he knows how I'm feeling."
"Really?" Gwen mimicked his tone out of disbelief. "He knows that you're curled up in corridors, out of your mind with fright?" She shook her head. "I don't believe you."
"Please Gwen," Merlin finally looked up at her, "please just leave it alone." His voice was small and fatigued, fed up of fighting off the help that was affronted to him daily. He didn't need it. Normality would fix everything, he was so sure, if he could just carry on for a few more weeks then maybe…
"I don't know what happened to you Merlin." Gwen's voice broke him out of his reverie. "I'm sure I will never know the true extent of it, and I understand that you'll probably never want to talk about it. But I saw what physically happened to you and I helped treat you, and I can only imagine the thoughts that inhabit a person's mind after something like that, but I suspect that that is only part of what's wrong. I've been noticing for a while, something's different about you, ever since you returned from the lowlands. I think that's what's wrong, Merlin." She comfortingly held his hand through her assessment, and Merlin realised they never gave Gwen enough credit for her brilliance, how she'd managed to figure all that out without properly speaking to him.
"How did you know we-?"
"You and the knights have discussions in public that would better be suited to whispers. If you listen, you can hear anything in this castle." She said bluntly, a wry smile creeping over her, at which Merlin could only roll his eyes and return her smile. It was true, they weren't careful with their words lately. "I know you were held in the lowlands, and I know something happened other than your injuries. It's nothing to do with me, I don't need to tell you that, but I'd really like you to tell me. I could help." She met his gaze, intent on understanding what was going on in his mind.
"I can't." Merlin dropped his gaze to the table, shaking his head softly. He couldn't, could he? Actually tell someone, with words, of his own accord; no threat, no pressure, just telling someone the truth because he could. "I really can't. you'd never look at me the same way again, you'd hate me." He couldn't lose someone who'd just proved how important they were to him.
"Merlin," she let out a disbelieving breath, "I'd never hate you, I promise, no matter what."
He nodded, affirming to himself that he was actually going to do this, to Gwen of all people, and finally pushed out the words he'd kept hidden within himself for far too long.
"I have magic."
The cliffhangers are back!
So, my reasoning for not updating for three months:
1. I did go on holiday (thank you everyone for the lovely messages about that!)
2. I started a new full time course which took my attention away from writing and it's taken me this long to learn to balance writing and study
3. I had problems linking this chapter in with the rest of the story.
I hope you all continue with this, I can't promise 100% regular updates, but I will try my best to keep updating. I never leave a story unfinished.
